runningthruthe7th
November
A digital vent diary of a madgirl: my own personal hell. Message me if you need a friend 馃挄 this is where I reflect on my thoughts and release my irrationality in a stream of consciousness...
(everything written on here is very private and I'm sorry in advance if I said anything concerning if someone ever comes across this. Some writings are lyrics. My writings are exaggerated due to intense spur of the moment emotions. I was and always will be truley happy in my life. I love you!)
a nostalgic wasteland. we're moving on and on.
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Ya know what?
I think I don't do what I need to do in my life, not cause I'm lazy. But cause deep down, I don't want to feel good. Deep down I want to feel bad. Self defeat.
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The only things that make me feel alive is being kind and drugs
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Yeah nevermind
I just need alcohol or drugs in me
But um
I've hit rock bottom
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The heart wrenching realisation that you are severely mentally ill
Not even the fun kind of mentally ill.
Just the, wasting away in your room kind.
Can I atleast can arrested or do crazy things so I can have stories to tell and make Atleast SOMETHING of the wasted time.
But nah
I dunno know I am or what to do.
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Get as wasted as you can in hopes that someone might help you
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I feel so fucking bad for everyone on this planet.
It's hell. The abused become the abuser.
How else should we all react?
I understand everyone, for we are all in this hell together.
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I had could actually fulfill this love I had with this person, I woudlnt even care about my trauma
But I didn't allow myself this love and memories and happiness because of the trauma
So obviously, with how much I love them, it's going to upset me that I have trauma because it stopped me from being in love.
With someone so special and perfect for me.
The only times I've ever been happy was with them.
And what have I got now?
Peices of shit "friends' that just use me.
Because that's all I allow because of my trauma!
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No one cares
Whether I take myself out or not
It'll just be talk for alil and then forgotten forever.
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It really is overwhelming because it really just hit me that I'm 21 and officially an adult
And I'm not ready to be an adult
I have a unfulfilled young teenager inside of me.
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I grew up way too quick as a teen and was denied to play with kids like me..
Now I'm paying the consequences in my dreams....
I can't stop dreaming about playing with them as a young teen. Dreaming about things that's don't even exist.
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If your are being used
You should remain confused
To keep them amused.
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