russanogreenstripe

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you are 16. you are talking with a gay man in his 50s or 60s, a friend, huge and gentle with a scarf and short fluffy curls of gray hair, who has directed you in two plays staged in your mid-size artsy town. (he has not yet asked you to be in his production of The Laramie Project which will change your life. this conversation will also change your life.)

he is talking about theatre. he is talking about theatre when he was younger. he says, "of course, it was AIDS then." in the pause, you ask him. clumsy and quiet and 16 and "straight," you ask him. what was it like.

he takes a moment in which his face is not like a person's face. "there was a time," he says, "i'm not sure how long, years. when i went to a funeral every weekend." he tells you about two funerals in a day, and choosing between friends when you couldn't make it to both. he does not look at you, he looks at them. his wet grey gaze is so clear that you start to see ghosts. it will be years before you understand why it feels like your grief too. why the ghosts call you family.

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PLEASE REBLOG

I’m considering coming out to my family as non-binary, and so today I brought up the subject of non-binary gendering/transgendering with my Dad as a casual conversational topic. He’s told me that if somebody is born a boy then they “should stay a fucking boy” and not trans to a girl or be a boy some days/girl other days/genderless other days.

I told him that I think gender identity should be something one can choose for themselves, and he says that nobody thinks like that and anybody who is trans/non-binary will just be shunned by every member of society they meet. He doesn’t think that people support n-b/t communities, because he doesn’t. He says to me that not staying one’s natural gender is wrong and against the point of being born a boy/girl.

Every person who reblogs this will have their URL written in a full-size writing book and when it is full I will show it to my father to illustrate to him the amount of people who believe that being non-binary is a valid gender identity.

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Reblog to give the one you reblogged this from species euphoria

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Internet Safety

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#the answer is always gravity manipulation

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As an Etherite, 100% approved (though it does need more nuclear-powered mayhem)

Etherite post

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changeling post!

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Frankly, NONE of these Zelda dungeons are all that accessible for the disabled.

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tweet to original artist

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the cashier at barnes & noble just gave me this duck at checkout and they said “i give these to children and people with a certain vibe.”

floored to know something about me aligns with this duck

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Car insurance went thru and even tho we have food assistance now, they declined cash assistance so Bambi's account is negative.

Bambi has been job hunting for six months and keeps getting rejections. Here's a great example of how FUCKED the rejections are:

A bachelor's in edu and years of teaching experience won't get you a museum education program job btw because that's not experience working with the community despite public education serving the FUCKING COMMUNITY AND BEING MORE LABOR

I don't start school till May 13 and I don't get my financial aid accessible in any way other than school store credit till the second week of June.

Bambi is selling art: https://ko-fi.com/bambi6969/shop

And donation options:

CA $fuzzcheeks | PP @ fuzzcheeks | Ven @ novastarchild

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Doctor Who is celebrating 60 years by releasing over 800 episodes on BBC iPlayer.

The sci-fi fantasy show first premiered in 1963 and has cemented itself as a permanent fixture in pop culture history. This fall, fans will be able to stream the entire 800-plus episode series along with spin-offs like Sarah Jane Adventures, Torchwood, and Class, and the behind-the-scenes series Doctor Who Confidential.

Each Dr Who episode will be made accessible for all Whovians, with subtitles, audio description, and sign language options available for the very first time.

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i need “Happier than a necromancer in a natural history museum” to become a known phrase immediately

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All this about not getting to see John Lennon on twitter but I think the real tragedy is that Freddie Mercury never had an instagram

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Speaking of therapy, I say, as though we're old friends, and you're not a stranger trapped in this metaphorical elevator with me and you can hear the suspension wires starting to fray.

I've been doing a lot of work recently that's focused on imposter syndrome and the feeling that no matter how well or how much I do, I'm not good enough. That I'm somehow tricking everyone into thinking my work is actually good.

Some days it's a minor niggle in my head that I can gentle and soothe with logic and affirmations. Or smother, depending on the mood. Other times it's loud and all-consuming and the mental anguish it causes me is so real I can feel it twitching in my muscles. This desperate fight-or-flight instinct with nowhere to go and nothing to fight but myself.

Anyway, because I'm several types of Mentally Unwell™, I was switching between workshop sheets ahead of next week. Filling in different forms. (Trying to get a good grade in therapy) And I got my "recognize your harmful ADHD coping mechanisms" worksheet mixed in with the "you're not actually lying to people, you just feel like you are because your brain is full of weasels" worksheet, and seeing them side by side made something go topsy turvy in my head, and I just had to sit and breathe for a couple of minutes until the urge to scream passed. Because it clicked, it all suddenly clicked.

The reason the imposter syndrome workshops and therapy sessions aren't sticking was because I do routinely trick people into thinking I'm someone I'm not.

Because I'm masking my ADHD for their convenience.

I've always known there was something wrong with me. My neurotypical peers made it abundantly clear I didn't fit in or was failing in some way I couldn't see nor remedy, no matter how hard I tried.

So I compressed myself into a workaholic box of hyper-competence in the hopes they'd stop noticing the flaws and exploit like me instead. And then subsequently lived with the daily fear that if they looked too close, they'd realize I'm a monumental fuck up with enough personal baggage to block the Suez Canal.

If you ever need someone to burn themselves to ashes for your comfort and convenience, I'm your gal.

Or I used to. Until I had a bit of a breakdown, and the rubber band holding my brain together snapped and pinged off into the stratosphere, never to be seen again.

Unfortunately, the trauma of living like that didn't also fuck off and instead left a gaping maw where my personality ought to be, so now I get to deal with that aftermath.

And it's that aftermath that's affecting the imposter syndrome shit. Because yes, I am hyper-competent and good at what I do-- but it doesn't feel real because that is how I mask.

And the truly frustrating thing is I am good at what I do. I am not pretending. I worked hard to be good at this. It just feels like I'm dicking around because 90% of my personality turns out to be trauma masquerading as humor in a trenchcoat, and having people genuinely like something weird I'm doing is so foreign my brain has decided it's just another form of masking.

I'm pretending to be a good author so people will think I'm a good author, and my brain thinks we are in Danger of being found out. We are in Danger, and writing is Dangerous because then people will know I'm Weird and not whatever palatable version I've presented myself as for their NT sensibilities.

Like the neurotic vampire with a raging praise kink wasn't an obvious giveaway.

Anyway. I got nothing else. Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go be very normal in another room and not stare into the abyss of my own soul for a bit.