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3:00am - 01/07/2022

Honestly it has passed so much time since the last time I wrote something in here. My life has changed completely and this place became just a memory of a point in time of my life, a "turning point" in a way.

I felt like a need again some place to vent about stuff that I don't feel like I have someone to talk to about. Even though I'm surrounded by amazing people, there are things that I don't think they would care much about, and are things that I care much about. And other thing is that my English writing was SO MUCH BETTER back when I used this as a diary, so, I'll consider this study also.

Today the news that my favorite gaming Youtuber Technoblade have passed away came, and man, it sure hit hard. I started watching his content in 2020, first year of the pandemic and it was a great relief from all the anxiety and the insanity I felt the world was on. He more than anyone ignited my passion for Minecraft (and gaming) again and almost everything I know about the game, I learned by watching him. He was battling cancer since last year and for a couple months, there was no sign of him. I feared something was wrong but optimistically thought he was just taking care of himself and taking his time to heal and cure. But unfortunately he passed.

Grief is an interesting thing and even though I'm quite mature, I still don't really understand it, not because I don't consciously know what it is and what it means, but my guess is that I fear what might be on the other side of life, if there is one. I'm agnostic so I don't really have a religion or a specific belief on this, but emotionally I want an afterlife to exist, a place where people can exist, can really feel free and complete. I guess that the ignorance that comes from living life on this existence is forever a source of doubt and insecurity.

Last year I also lost my grandfather. It was and still is painful as hell and honestly I don't feel like grief will ever end, it just became a part of my life, to feel his absence every single day in the most mundane of things. I regret the things I haven't done for him while he was here, things that could have been happy memories of us, and it hurts. I guess when people say to cherish the moments and our loved ones while they're still here is about this.

I don't really understand how my life is and where it is going, and I don't know if I'm wrong about this or not but right now I feel like I don't have anyone to talk about these things. I should return to therapy but right now I'm a mess financially, I can't even afford to buy new underwear (and boy I do need some) but I really could use some counseling right now.

I should sleep, because in about 3 hours I have to go to college, but these things were screaming in my mind and I felt like I needed to vent about it. If someone is ever going to read this I have no idea, specially someone who know me (they'll probably think why the hell I'm writing in English) but, who cares? Life makes little sense after all. I just hope it can be better someday.

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- Nichelle Nichols

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by  Anato Finnstark

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I love that classic trope where a human helps a monster know what feelings are.

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(Insp.)

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“And remember when I moved in you? The holy dove was moving too And every breath we drew was Hallelujah”

-“Hallelujah”

Leonard Cohen wrote an extremely popular and classic song, with multiple successful cover versions, containing a line that basically says “hey, remember when I was banging you? Well, GOD was banging you, too”

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 "Do you know what it’s like when you’re having sex and you’re about to have an orgasm, and your entire mind and body are concentrating every single molecule on that one thing?“ Buckley murmurs. “That’s what music is for me. It’s a white light, it’s my mother and father, it’s my best friend, it’s my blood. Nothing else matters. When I’m working, I’m thinking music. When I’m resting, I’m thinking music. People say I bend my body into the weirdest shapes when I’m performing onstage. I can understand that. When I’m singing, I can feel that force just push my face, my body, everything into all kinds of shapes.”-Rhythms, July, 1995.

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whenever I start to think about Jeff Buckley, I cannot stop. I obsess over his being. I feel haunted by his soul. he rests in my mind. he just does not leave

how was he real? so real?

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“A lot of our shows just seem like huge, pleasurable, messy kissing sessions, where you’re so filled with passion that every move you make on the body… sends it into pleasure.”

— Jeff Buckley (via jeffbuckleyforever)

Oh your sexy poetic words Jeff. How I miss you. 💔

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Call me a hoe one more time, Riker

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by DustyRayPaints

Prints available!

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