s4dandworth1ess-blog
Nobody Cares
Faith. 18.
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April 14th
Its been awhile. I am still alive, Unfortunately. I should update on a bunch. We’ll start with school. I am doing awful. I am way to sad to get out of bed most days. I understand its important and I want to do well which is the frustrating thing, Its just every morning there is this weight on my chest that can not be lifted and suffocates me. I am incapable of caring for anyone in any way but friends.
I think I care way too much about my friends too. Or ex- friends at least. Caroleen hates my guts. She even goes out of her way to tell people how fucking awful I am. I don’t disagree, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t know exactly what I did to her, but she obviously wants nothing to do with me. Her boyfriend is openly cheating on her. She won’t listen and she blocks me and my friends now. I tried so hard. I can’t deal with losing people.
Also- I should probably write a little about Eric because the last time i wrote it was quite intense. Me and him had been meeting up the last few months, and i tried really hard to not fall again but i did. I didn’t even want to. But how do you stop caring for someone after being with them for so long. I don’t get it. A lot happened and it shattered my already broken heart even more. I don’t need to put it out here for everyone to read because he knows. I just had such high hopes that I would be enough and I wasn’t. I wasn’t enough for him to change. I’m never ever enough. He doesn’t care about me, and I probably never ever cross his mind. I wrote him two letters that i’ll post on here, incase i don’t ever show them to him another time.
I feel alone.
I would also like to take the time to point out that when i do kill myself and i am gone, none of this is anyones fault, and
Sarah- I love you. You were my bestfriend. Please suceed for me.
Mom & Dad- I am sorry, you did nothing wrong
Poppop- Thank you for everything you did for me
I just feel horrible about myself and live. I feel sick to my stomach every single time I am forced to look at myself. Instead of trying to fight it, i am giving up. I’m sorry.
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April 14th
I feel so alone. Everyone I love will leave me soon. I will leave soon.
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nothing is worse than having to detach from someone who has seen all of you
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January 11th
Yesterday was such a let down. I am getting ready to talk about something I really have only kept inside, in hopes one day it will go away. When we came out of 6th period I received news that Eric was “being arrested” “going to jail.” As awful as it seemed, I was so excited. I just want him to be out of my life for good. I was hoping if he got arrested, it would be a chance to receive help. He constantly tells everyone I am lying about everything. I am not crazy. I am not lying. The worst part about it is, no one believes me. My own friend doesn't “see him as a bad person.” I guess it doesn’t matter that every single time I see him, I get sick to my stomach. Every single time I see him, I want to run home and rip all of my insides out. Nothing will erase the horrible thoughts that I keep locked in my mind. The traumatic memories I have with this boy who I loved. I try to act like I don't care, like his presences and words don’t bother me. But the only feelings I feel when he’s around are self-blame, and shame. I genuinely believe I am not worth treating right. I am not worth love. I am a crazy dumb fat bitch. I got into the car yesterday after seeing him, and immediately started to bawl my eyes out. I ran into the house after crying and looked at my thighs, that still have the scars from the self harm issue, I so happened to discover while dating him. Most days I feel numb, some days I feel everything. Everyone love him still and no one loves me. I don’t even love me. I am so fucking tired of feeling so goddamn crazy and hopeless all the time. I can’t take this anymore. I DONT KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE ME. IM NOT CRAZY. People like Taylor Smith, constantly believe him and think he’s a good person. and you know what? I genuinely don't hate him, AFTER EVERYTHING I DONT HATE HIM TRULY. I want him to get help, and get better, learn how to treat someone and received love back. I don’t know when someone will read these, but whenever I am gone and these get sent to those whom I knew, don’t hate him. Encourage him to get help, and stop destructing everything in his path.
Everyone says that when you leave you can go back to enjoying life again, if that's true then why do I want to die even more now than I ever have. I don’t have anyone. I am waste of space dumbass who doesn’t deserve the love of the people I love.
This is to much feeling for night. I am going back to being numb.
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Betrayal from those you trust the most cuts deeper than any blade can reach.
will-babin
(via wordsnquotes)
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