saijbergman19-blog

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another song // lil peep 

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The shit I'd do to have another morning like this with you in my arms...

via weheartit

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You are both so beautiful....I love you...and one of these posts could be my last and I just want you to know no matter what...if I die I want you to know I die loving you and I could never hate you...I miss everything about you and us...I feel robbed and wrong everyday I wake up and don't see your face or open to a goodmorning message from you from work we could have done it if you really wanted it...I would have changed...I have changed...I'd do anything for you I wish I could...but I'm just gonna stop here I'm a broken record when it comes to all that just wanted to say you are both beautiful and I hope she makes you happy

This is Adaline, I paid for her myself, $500 and worth every penny. I’ll be taking her on town walks in the spring, she’s a sweetheart, and smart, we’re learning slowly but learning no less. Yesterday she wasn’t loving the fact she wasn’t getting as much attention as the other dog and without even thinking I asked Adaline if she was being a Jelly Bug.. just as the words slipped through my lips I felt robbed and wrong and I know I am to blame for those feelings. I think you’d like her though. I miss our deep conversations more than anything. I miss a lot.

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I had two more seizures two days ago...Alex saved my life....my life is changing so much...me and my parents just don't get along I quit taking my seizure meds...I've been at Alex's for like a week...I keep feeling I'm just not gonna be alive much longer and all I ever think about is you...I miss you so much...I wish we could have been together I love you and I'm sorry.....if I die before ever seeing you again...I hope you have a good life...despite that making me depressed..I wish I'd been better...I think if I don't die I'm probably moving away...but I still want to die I wish for it i don't feel I belong in this world me and Leanne have been talking I told her all about you she keeps telling me I have a purpose that I belong....she says lots of things but I still feel the same....I don't want to fall in love again....I don't ever want to be in love with anybody but you I can't have sex I can't date I can't you're all I want....after each seizure I loose memories and I keep loosing things about my memories of us and it hurts.....idek what to do or say anymore I feel like you are gone forever and I'm never gonna see you ever again or talk to you for real again....I miss you jelly bug...I walked to Dover from guilford yesterday we walked by your moms....there was a car parked there the van was gone...idk she moved or bought a new car....but my heart sank seeing that either way...we are back at Alex's and watching bojack...and all I see in my head is us dabbing and watching this show I miss you I miss our bed I miss seeing and spending everyday with you....I love you

[saijbergman19-blog]

Those fucking eyes...your cheeks lips everything you are just so perfect it kills me...I miss putting my hands on your cheeks touching your beautiful face I miss waking up to that face I miss seeing you smile at me I miss our walks I will never replace you I will never lay with another girl your my forever I'll spend the rest of my shit life being in love with your ghost and pretending your still here rather then replace you I'd rather die alone then replace you..

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[saijbergman19-blog]

I miss our long deep talks about the universe and aliens and life I miss those nights you opened up to me on shrooms and I held you while you cried saying you didn't wanna become a Chad god damn I miss you I miss those brown eyes...always hated brown till I met those brown eyes with mine that@: why that picture of the brown and blue eye was so important to me and why it was gonna be my love tattoo dedicated to us but you are gone....and j still just want to get it....

[saijbergman19-blog]

After I finally stopped crying I had one of those things happen again with the chemical smell in my noise and dejavu and feeling sick and my heart hurt bad and all I could see was your bedroom and how I used to wait like a puppy for you to come home so I could finally see your face and even though you couldnMt physically help me just seeing your face being by your side always helped me through everything I ever went through I miss you JellyBug I hope you have a good day...please talk to me soon..

[saijbergman19-blog]

Alex is asleep...I can't sleep as usual...I skipped yesterday's meds..haven't taken them sense Sunday....I'm just sitting here crying hard...trying really hard to be quiet..this is normal this happens pretty much everyday..I miss you so much...idk how long I'm gonna be in Maine but I think I'm gonna leave..there is just nothing here in Maine for me anymore but pain and regrets I lost myself when you left and I'm haunted but I guess it doesn't matter whar I do or where I go you'll always haunt my memories and my heart running away from you takes time and pain and I don't even want to my parents are terrible I have no friends who would take me in here in Maine but to leave you behind.....to leave you..I just...I don't want to go away...i don't want to never see you again I can' stop crying my hearts hurt so much I'm sick of living with this regret of ruining everything by never giving you more and taking us to the next level and giving you what you deserve I know I was terrible...I just wish you had been willing to give me one last chance after I poured my heart out and told you everything about how I feel and why I did the things I did and I was and still am willing to do and change anything for you I hate myself so much for but you did me dirty In a horrible way and I always find myself blaming it all on myself and pushing aside the fact what you did was messed up...but I forgave you and I I still get mad all the time and I try my best not to type or say anything when I'm like that but even afte you have left me I won't betray you I will never have sex or date another girl for as long as I live I promise and I will not break that promise and I still adore you but idk what todo anymore if i stay in Maine I'm gonna end my life but I can barely cope with being one town away from me let alone on the other side of the country.....to leave Maine and you behind is to give up on you and let you go and never come back it's to never be able to see you again and destroy any chance I could get you back in the future and we work things out one day so there is nothing but pain out there I'll have no friends nobody but Logan but I think he is done with me and doesnMt really want me in his life that much he just always ignores me when I reach out to him when I break down or just wanna talk I'd be leaving everything I've grown to love....you and Caleb all my friends....I can't cope now I donMt know how I could cope if I ran away I feel I'm just not gonna make it to 2019...I feel this is it for me my times almost up I just feel I'm not gonna be here for next year...whether I move away or not I'm dead inside with out you I guess I'm gonna just shut the fck up because that just seems to be what you want right now....I'm sorry I have upset you....I'm sorry I made you think I slept with her or what ever it is you think I did...I'm sorry I stayed at her place at all in the first place but I promise you on my life we are strictly friends or we were I won't talk to her or like her pictures anymore I'll never like any more girls pictures if that's what you want I'll literally never like another females picture I just have no idea what to do to make you understand I mean everything I say an that I truly love you I'm loosing my sanity with out you I guess I'm pathetic for being the way I am this weak and helpless with out you and I'm sorry...I'm sorry for everything I've ever done I just can't apologize enough I'll never be able to feel closure I'm just not capable of moving on....I'm not even really making sense at this point I'm just crying out I'm sorry I love you I miss you 😢 💔 I just keep hoping I'll die in my sleep for seizures or fall over dead at any point I'm so torn up inside and out and I'm sorry I'm so fucked up I fucking miss you so damn much

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