sammlethal

[sammlethal]

I want to just...blow my brains out! Over and over and over...I can never seem to get anything right. I feel like a bad egg, the rotten apple. There is this layer of guilt of fear that so regularly follows me, no matter what I do, or how good I try to be. You say I'm I'm liar and all these other things about me, but I didn't see it as lying. I didn't see it as anything really. I mean, sure...the way you put it and the way you say it, yeah I guess I lied.

But what about my shoes? You left me. LEFT. ME. You didn't say we were on a "break"...you told me to figure that out on my own. So I texted, called, im'd you, even emailed. You never once replied. I asked you how you were every day, but you just ghosted. With my son. For a month and a half. You guys were just gone...out of my life. With zero contact.

And then, as soon as I hear from you, I dropped E EVERYTHING and ran back to you. I have been here every day that you'll have me.

So I'm a liar? I mean sure...I guess? I wasn't TRYING to lie, I didn't go out of my way to lie and honestly, from the moment you brought me back until now, I didn't even think about it. She was meaningless to me. I guess that makes me a dick head too...but you took my family away. Because you needed space. Fuck me, fuck my feelings. Why would my feelings matter about all this? It's not like I sat there, lonely as fuck, in an empty apartment, thinking that I had something so wrong...(I didn't understand back then the way I do now about how space is very crucial to your health) bit I sat there for weeks, thinking I had done something wrong, trying to figure out what it was that I could have done, and thinking of myself as such an idiotic, bad man who couldn't keep his family together. Again. And I cried a LOT. And I just missed YOU and Atom the whole time.

Can you just stop thinking that I'm some horrible piece of shit? Because I obviously love you to the moon and back. Really...every time you leave me, I come running right back. No matter how bad you make me feel, no matter how much you hurt my feelings, no matter the shit you say. I just love you. And I really hope you see that

[sammlethal]

Ever feel so unwanted you just want to disappear? It makes you feel small, insignificant. Helpless. Makes you feel hated. Makes ya want to just

[sammlethal]

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet.”

— Tom Robbins

[sammlethal]

“If you really and truly want to help my soul heal - then show me that love can last. Be the one that doesn’t walk away. Be the one that stops this cycle of pain in my life - Of everyone I love, vanishing.”

— Helaena C Moon @ http://hapless-hollow.tumblr.com/  (via hapless-hollow)

[sammlethal]

Everyday Constricts

Do you know how prison feels? Not the act of it...the being controlled. The daily routine. The sleepy wakefulness. Not the daily, energizing adrenaline that is at war with the daily stress. It has a certain...physical toll. Like a tax audit that takes a shit ton of years to come about, but when it does, your going DOWN. What about the pressure? Oh wait! Here is a great one; How about the guilt? Now that is tricky because obviously, if you’ve done something wrong and feel guilty about it, then it seems your moral compass is alright and as long as you can own your mistakes, then there is promise for forgiveness and redemption; lessons learned.  But what about guilt that can not be pinpointed? What about guilt that has already went through the process of forgiveness and redemption, yet continues to be hung over your head? 

What if: -No one listened to you? -Your opinion was never heard? Is that the same as you having no voice? -Every idea you had was shot down? -What if you couldn’t go make money or have the things you wanted?  -If you felt like a constant burden? -You were never touched? or its so rare that when/if it does happen, it makes you feel so damn emotional? -You made a mistake, 4 years ago, and have done everything short of suicide to fix it?  -You love someone more that anything, more than yourself. What if they, too have some issues and, knowing that, you keep on dealing with it all? Is that sacrifice? or is ALL THIS the redemption? 

[sammlethal]

Woe is fucking me right? But in reality I DO feel helpless, hopeless, and fucking like a bad egg.

I feel hated. Unwanted and rejected. By family. By the lack of real friends. By everyone really.

I got picked on bad in school. I had tape on my glasses and wore hand me downs. I walked to school. In the hood down south. Newport News. Portsmouth. Bad neighbourhoods. I got beat up a lot. Then my father. Then my god father. Then the loss of mom for about 5 years. Then the abandonment. Then the trouble in school. Then the dedication to my first child and her mom. Then the lies. The other men. The betrayal and the prison. 5 years. Getting out and here we are..years later.

Ive been through HELL. Many people have and yeah I am one of em. But let me tell you..this love of mine is going to send me over the edge. All my life has been on long search for purpose and meaning and faith and love and FAMILY.

But you never care. Its like I'm the boy who cried wolf or something. I wonder how many people truly understand what it is to battle with yourself over ending it. For me the deciding factor is my son. I just cant..especially when he is so young and innocent. He deserves his dad...ya know. Damnit man i hate having these thoughts. I hate feeling like a bad guy who never be good. I hate feeling so flawed. So...cast aside.

[sammlethal]

Any idea what it feels like to be alone?

Your family wont REALLY welcome you...your mom will but honestly that group is so me tally fucked up that can they even be a family.

Then there is you guys. You. Atom. And now the pup. It feels like family...but then im always being se t away or not allowed to talk about my feelings

I feel like I'm in a bottle and someone is shaking me up and I'm gonna explode.

I just. Want. My. Family. To accept me

[sammlethal]

Why do I let you hurt my feelings as much as you do

[sammlethal]

How do I not know about self hate? How do I not understand? Any idea how many times ive wanted to quit life? How sometimes it still nags at me? I promise you its from a place that is very familiar with self hate.

Then all of a sudden not only am I shitty at everything else, now I'm also shitty in the one place I thought I was awesome in. Just another notch on the ole guilt belt.

So I'm just all around not good enough.

Whats new? Whats the point anyways? I want smoke my weed but I even care.

I just don't understand. Why make me feel like the best, only to later tell me I never please you? Then I text from downstairs wanting to try, wanting to be with you and nothing...just have to listen to you be happy, upstairs, without me. Its fine. I'm used to sleeping on couches.

Fucking talk about self hate? Trust me, I understand

[sammlethal]

All these years and youve yet to actually understand me. But you can sit there and say how well you know me. As if you know even my thoughts.

But your wrong.

Because IF you did know, you would know how scared I am. My sense of abandonment. You would know how alone I always feel. How I it seems like everyone just hates me. You see how much I hurt and how often I cry.

But you don't. All you see is me grinning and baring it. You see the explosion when I cant hold it in anymore.

I have been through so much over one mistake I made by you, 5 years ago.

You talk about depression and what you have to do to get over it. But you NEVER ask how I feel. Never ask if I'm okay. The few times you have, you make me feel weak and not good enough for feeling that way...as if all along all I had to do was, "be a man and get over it." That what you want right? Mr fucking perfect? Who's feelings arent hurt. Who isnt sad. Or doesn't get sad. Someone who doesnt feel.

And how are you supposed to care now? Because now your entering a depressive state.. So how could you care...right? Meanwhile I've been depresses for fucking YEARS (dont remember a time i wasnt) but yet i can manage to care about you. To miss you. To want you. Give you fucking massages every day. Deal with your anger. Your mean words and even worse attitude. Deal with you yelling at me. Drilling me.

But yeah. I'm wrong. Everything I say is an excuse. Or a defense.

Really though...i just dont want to hurt anymore. All of my life has been one big damn disappointment.

All I have that makes me feel good about myself is my ability to care for people, to be optimistic amd good natured in spite what ive been through. To still smile and be strong in the face of all my inner demons and my past. That includes being a good dad...being there for my son and making sure he knows I love him and making sure he grows to be kind hearted and caring...not some robot sheep l with a cold heart. Teach him not to stress so much...that we only get one life, and its better to be a loving, kind and gentle beach bum than it is to be a rich, cold hearted, businessman.

I really wonder sometimes if I am cursed. Or my soul is damned or whatever. I mean...yeah I've made some mistakes but I'm not evil. And ive owned up to them and ive changed. A lot. Am I always going to feel hated. Or not good enough. Am I always going to feel this pit of doom? Am I always going to hurt? Would anyone actually miss me if I just left?

I think about that sometimes. Just throwing in the towel. What does it matter anyways? I don't do anything but worry and fear and hate myself.

[sammlethal]

Clueless. Clueless of words and their effect. Clueless of how much it matters, how much I care. Cluelessly in the other room on the socials...scroll baby scroll.

Does it even mean anything? Whats the point of being sad just to feel alone...it doesn't matter that your in the same house. Eating the same foods. Sleeping in the same bed. Loving the same son. Distance doesn't care how close our physical body's are. Distance only cares about the loneliness that comes with it; distance only cares about closing itself.

Maybe that is the sadness? Waiting around for you to feel me missing you, waiting for some of your acknowledgment, some of your love.

I shelf it; massages, hugs, holding you as you sleep. Kind words. Doting.

I do treat you like a queen. Don't I?

For what? To be yelled at over everything? Constant criticism. Constant stress. Constantly I am never good enough. And of course it makes me wonder if I ever will be.

Little things do add up to really big things over time. Little words. Statements. Sighs of disappointment. Little bits of disgust here and there.

Eventually it just piles up and piles up and piles up and how can I even talk about it? I'm left with these desperate, angsty post that do nothing but add to my hopelessness. If I try to talk about how you make me feel, it just blows up in my face. If I dont talk about it then I get bummed out and THAT blows up in my face.

And then my own anxiety. My own PTSD and whatever else is going on in my house. Do i get any credit there? I'm not on anti anxiety meds or anti depressants. I have quit partying, quit drinking. For going on 3 years now. All this mental health of mine and I'm forced to just grin and bare it but IT GETS SO FUCKING HARD sometimes and you have no clue how alone in all this I feel.

If I rely on my family then I am weak in your eyes...not to mention my family is worse off then I am with far less the mental and emotional strength.

So who? I try to make myself available to help and be there for those I love and care about. My mom. My stupid sister. Her kids. My kid. And of course you. My one friend (of course that friendship is out the window). And the random acquaintance who needs some artwork or tattoo. When I do get some money, almost ALL of it is spent on other people.

I dunno babe. I wanna be loved too I guess.

[sammlethal]

God damnit man. Why the fuck cant people just do what they say they are going to do?

Why is everyone im surrounded so damn disrespectful to me?

The older I get the more I see that nice guys get nada. Nothing. We get pushed and walked over and fucking used. Its easy for people to not care about others. Its easy to worry about number one. Yourself...

Defending an ego, trying to make it in this life.. in this broken country...hmm

As long as I am happy. Not stressed. Relaxed. That is the dream right? But its tricky because we also just need other people. Its impossible to 100% self reliant.

So does that also mean that we just ignore the effect that we can have on others? In our search to remain happy and calm and centered and MEANINGFUL (at least to ourselves and loved ones) in life.....

Which is more important? Happiness? Ego? The American Dream? Our jobs? Our car? Our goals?

Or

The struggle? The pain? The heartbreak? Sickness? Or just being fucking poor?

Who is actually happy? Who needs reality?

I am a father. A lover. A best friend. I am almost penniless. Flat. Fucking. Broke. But the LAST thing i think about in the morning or before bed is money.

I pray for safety. For love. And for a better world for my children

[sammlethal]

““I have this lust, this craze, you see - to be eaten. Consumed. Grabbed by your greedy hands, sucked into the hollow of your hungry hungry mouth. Down, down, down, to where I will sleep near your heart. Inside your blood. Inside your breath. And, when you push out my name… All those who listen will hear my scratching at your heart. Hear my ghost in your throat.””

— Helaena Moon @ http://hapless-hollow.tumblr.com/  (via hapless-hollow)

[sammlethal]

She turned 28 today. Happy birthday my dear.

If you only knew what I would give to be there with you. To make you feel relaxed and wanted and loved.

Im ways here you know? Whenever that point comes and you cant bare it any longer...im yours.

(And yeah. I hurt. A lot. What is going on between us...im a bitter mess. All I want is to be yours.

Ive thrown myself to you. And if you dont take me then...

I just dont know how to get over you.

Just give me a sign baby. A hint. Just tell me that IF you were ever gonna choose someone, that I am he. Tell me that all you want is sessions and someone when your bed and heart get cold.

Anything

Give me a sign.

And I will stop trying to get over you. I will be here at my place AND there with you. We can do this.

But dont cast me aside like this. Give me MY dreams. Make me feel like such a MAN. Make me feel wanted. Like I always have a place in this world. Don't do all of that if your only going to throw me away.

Because its becoming increasingly harder and harder for me.

I mean fuck baby...i have a new, steady pressure in my chest these days. You really have no clue how badly YOU and your ghost torment me.

So either claim what is yours.

Or let me be free to distract myself from crying EVERY DAY. I'm so tired of crying over you.

The two years in prison. All of 2020.

Can we please just admit that we are inseparable. We dont have to move in together. We dont have to have a label. We can be best friends. And awesome parents. And wonderful lovers.

And we can do it OUR way.

And yeah...your tired now..but its hard when you wont accept help. You wont ALWAYS be tired.

And if you will let me. I can reserve myself...I can wait for that time to come. I can massage you and go home and help with our son. And support you and we can heal and when that time does come...I will be here.

Not off somewhere else with a distraction and your ghost.

But you HAVE to talk to me. Tell me I'm what you want. I can not read minds. And this year has been so confusing...

Please baby. Lets talk

Wow I ramble

[sammlethal]

Happy Birthday LiliWrath!!!

[sammlethal]

Happy Birthday LiliWrath!!!

[sammlethal]

Worm Wood

Anything I would do for you. Forgive. Forget. Please you.  How can a love so pure, so strong, turn to nothing but dust and this beautiful ghost of yours....she’s here you know?  She is red. I see her at the edges of my vision. A quick pass of color in a mirror. Shadows.  She is in my music. She is sound. And it screams and yells and rips my chest open. Yet here I am. Begging for more.  Who are you? Not human. Are you history? The repeating? An apple that fell oh so close to your mother’s tree?  Or is your thirst different? An eater of souls? Eater of worlds? My world. That is you. Six years now and still, my world is you.  Eater of worlds.  You took all that I was and You consumed me.  This stage here, as I write these torn words, must be digestion.  Eater of worlds.  Now my world is Shit. https://youtu.be/qjVqtf0dWQM