sandeeater

[sandeeater]

ahahaa my brain rots faster every day

mfw i realize that i'm unhealthily obsessed w/ the idea of yanderes bc it's like everything i want LIKE it's literally someone who will always be on your side and protect you and pity you and take care of you and get mad at the same stuff you do and you always know they love you the most like ur the first thing theyd choose over anyone else and u know for SURE they ain't letting anyone talk bad abt you theyd defend you even if youre not there like PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I NEED THAT SO BAD but also no bc yanderes want you to be w/ them forever and we(by we i mean future me if i read this) all know how my friendships end sooo romance is prolly the same way too. also am picky bc what if they're not pretty :(

[sandeeater]

i act like it's fine, but it's really not

i must be a better actor than i thought. i was told that i'm very good at self analysis, due to me talking and joking about myself, even my bad qualities. issue is, i'm so much worse than i make myself out to be. if only they knew. they'd be disgusted at how pathetic i really am haha

[sandeeater]

it's snowing

i've always loved snow, but i don't know how i feel right now. just thinking about it, thousands of tiny, delicate snowflakes, falling to the earth, not one like the other, to melt and forever be lost. much like lives. or more relevantly, more like people. none of us are exactly the same, and we live our lives out, and unless our existence is photographed or recorded somewhere, we disappear forever without a trace.

L was discussing her suicide plans today, and A was trying to convince them to push back the date. A even said something like, "if you kill yourself then, you won't be there for my death". i wasn't there for any it, because i haven't felt much like talking to anyone today. even though i wasn't there, i selfishly wish to tell them, to tell all of my friends, that i don't want them to die. i don't want them to disappear. i know that their lives are so much worse than mine, so is it selfish to ask that they don't disappear? i want to tell them all. i want to tell them, "please don't die. don't kill yourself. don't hurt yourself. please, i beg of you, don't disappear. please don't leave me behind." it's hopeless anyways, i don't think that some pathetic "friend" of theirs could ever convince them that life was worth living. i don't even help them that much anyways.

[sandeeater]

new year new mess up!!!

i already messed up, we were talking and i randomly sent a gif of mayoi as in mayoi ayase from ensemble stars and. well i accidentally rambled a little about how cute he would look covered in his own blood but i creeped out A and they said it was legit super weird. how was i supposed to know that??? i didn't know that cute things are suddenly the weirdest things ever. i'm still sad abt it tho bc i think they probably hate me now bc i was also saying how cute it would be if he hurt himself and they were like "ayo that wouldn't be cute irl tho"... LIKE BRO OFC NOT??? THAT'S THE POINT OF FICTION, ISN'T IT??? SO YOU CAN SEE CUTE THINGS WITHOUT MAKING REAL PEOPLE DO THEM??? but jeez i messed up

[sandeeater]

literally just me being cringefail i'm so sorry

whyyy is life like BUILT that bro 😭😭😭 i don't wanna have to make important decisions for me or like. take care of me. so then naturally i'd be thinking "ohhh i wish i had someone i loved and trusted completely enough to control my life for me" but then it starts the thoughts of "ohhhh that's so selfish of me to want to place the burden of a whole other life on someone i love" and then the "i can't ever trust anyone that much with my life bcuz what if they actually hate me and just ruin my reputation and dump me on the street with no future and i die alone and in pain" and also the literal worst one "IT HAS TO BE A PRETTY PERSON WHO I TRUST WITH MY LIFE AND ALSO WANTS THE BEST FOR ME AND LOVES ME THE MOST EVER" and then "it would be nice to have a group of people dedicated to taking care of me bc i'm the most important thing ever to them" which causes the "wtaf that sounds like an actual cult what is wrong with me" which starts the "no there's nothing wrong with me because i'm the most normal emotionally and mentally stable person to ever exist and i'm so proud of that i should try help other people be as happy and stable as me it's so nice" which ends the cycle of thoughts until. the first thought in the chain COMES BACK RANDOMLY AAAAAAAAAAA I HATE IT

[sandeeater]

???idk what this counts as

that incident got brought up again.

P said "I am not sorry and I will not do anything" and explained with "Especially not after I genuinely apologized and then you claimed to be joking as well. If my sorries aren't taken seriously then my sorries no longer happen" and the worst part is that he's right and i had no defenses because he was right. i don't even know why i felt the need to joke about it right after my dumb rant even though i was very sure that it wasn't funny at all to me i bet that came off as so rude am i seriously destroying all of my friendships before the year ends and hurting them too i feel so terrible but how do i even apologize now i need to apologize to all of them but i don't know how and it just feels so bad to be misunderstood or not taken seriously but it feels worse to hurt them and that sick feeling in my stomach is back and i'm pretty sure i looked like an attention seeker based off of the message from P and to make the feeling of maybe betrayal from the event worse L said that they wanted to join in on the prank but didn't get to and agreed with the fact that the worst part was R joining in for a completely different reason and i know they didn't take it seriously why am i never taken seriously and this whole discussion was because P and A suddenly stopped chatting and L asked why and i responded that they're either making evil plans or both died at the same time and they said "likely the second, do you know them?" and i was a dumb idiot and responded with "you've never been on the other side of one of their pranks" and they were all like "no instead i was completely left out even when i asked to join the prank" and then it snowballed into me saying it wasn't funny at all and asking if L wanted to see the rants i sen tthe othe rnight and i ruined everything by opening my dumb mouth again

[sandeeater]

i love my friends so much /p just got off vc with my friends. why do i get mad at them all the time i literally love my friends soso much

do NOT read the replies unless ur ready for being blasted with words

[sandeeater]

??ramble??

it's maybe cringe but i like yanderes so much. and idk why. like, someone who'd literally commit horrendous acts bc they love me that much? yummy. delicious. i love it. yk what makes this more cringe? i literally cry at the thought that someone irl genuinely loves me and cares for me and wants the best for me AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I CRY AT THAT... 💀

[sandeeater]

AAAAAAAAAA i feel like i need a directory of code names!!! to stay!!! consistent!!! i'll just call them by letter from now on!!! this is for me but ig if u have an ungodly amount of time and wanna read the lore you can 💀

the first-P

the second-A

the third-R

the fourth-L

ANDDDDD FOR MY IRLS:

irl 1-H

irl 2-E

irl 3-B

each letter corresponds to a diff person!!

just to be clear this blog is not meant to defame or talk bad anout anyone, and i apologize deeply if any of my posts come across that way and if any of the friends i'm talking about find this blog and want me to delete posts that they feel make them look bad, i'll be glad to! sure hope they don't find this though i don't want them to see my real true thoughts

[sandeeater]

rant??

i feel terrible why was i just so rude to my friends over something so trivial. it wasn't even that bad i was just being dramatic but i know i won't get over it for so so long i hate myself and my impulsiveness and my anger and i triedto act like it was normal after but i just made it worse and i overwhelmed one of my friends into getting off discord for the night i feel so bad why did i do that if i just kept my mouth shut it would've been fine now i made everyone feel bad for my reactions to a harmless prank did i seriously just react that much over something that happened two days ago what is wrong with me i'm such a jerk i acted so cold towards them after remembering the things they said but i know they were just joking, that's jus thow they are it's not their fault that i'm not a good friend for them, it's definitely my fault that i feel lonely even though there's 4 others all i do is cause trouble in the group, they seem so much happier talking when i'm not there, maybe i should leave? i would leave the server just to take a break and prevent myself from impulsively coming back but what if they find someone better while i'm gone? someone who's like them and doesn't get mad at them and i'd never be able to talk or be part of the private channel again after rejoining after the break because they realize that they actually did hate me? i can't just quit discord altogether because there are others that i talk to but aren't as close to. i think i'm really just taking up these people's time and causing them unnecessary stress when i could just leave and they'd be so much happier, but also what if they just kill themselves? what if i take a break and come back to find that they all killed themselves successfully? what if i get on my phone after school one day to realize that one or all of them died? what if none of them really like me but they feel obligated to be friend with me because of how the server is? what if they all talk together without me in a seperate thing and they talk about me and how much they hate me? why do i feel like this? i'm not the one who went thought depression and trauma like the rest of them did, so why do i feel so bad all the time? it's always been like this but it's hit an all time high every year i get older and i just feel lonlier in my own home, with my own family, with my own friends, or even surrounded by acquaintances for no reason and i have no energy, no motvation, and happiness leave me as soon at the thing that's causing me happiness leaves? i bet i stressed out all my friend with the rant i did, i hate myself for that. ↓