sausages95

[sausages95]

[sausages95]

[sausages95]

The Last Supper

Day- 39

Location- Salir, Algarve

"The most important thing is, I love the bar"

Had a good cycle yesterday. 902metres up Monchique. Nice to set the calves free on some miles again. Wor Jamesy set off dead early and beat the flock to the top. Beautiful views. Nice being the only tourists around. (We're not tourists we're trraavellerrrssman).   Rained all day. Not heavily, but misty rain that soaks you from the bottom up without you noticing you should have put waterproofs on.

Top of Monchique was sweet enough. Usual cobbles and pastries and wrinkled up locals. Hizzy told me to go and ask the cafe if we could sleep on the floor in exchange for a Martha Hill concert. He said no (rude) but pointed us in the direction of the Bombeiros (fire station). The firemen said we could crash the night. Bit surreal. Little bachelor pad- table tennis tournaments, punch bag, card games. Bought some beers. Big massive fire engines in the garage.

Amber wasn't very well and did some sleeping. Considered nicking a fire engine, but Hizzy pointed out we didnt have the correct liscencing. Thank god or we could have got ourselves into a spot of bother. Carbonara for dinner followed by Contract Wist and beer.

Today was a drizzly affair. When they forecasted clouds I didn't realise I'd be cycling through them as opposed to under. Beers and Wist in the pub. Marcus lost again. Thank god- he's an awful loser but an even worse winner. Chorizo stew for dins. Yaldi.

Off home tomorrow. End of an era #calmdownitsonlybeen6weeks. Gonna leave the blog in Franny's capable hands.

Over and out,

Little Fat Marty

[sausages95]

Holiday vibes 😎

Day- 37

Location- Lagos

"We've lost shopping"

Full on lazy holiday mode. Hit Lagos up big time. Busked in the centre. Little Fat Marty the Navigator, incinerator, try ta keep up but you keep comin later. Drum solos on the bin. Amber and Spud danced in the square. Nicky and Hizzy drank beer and pretended they weren't with us. Made one Euro. Gave it away later to a fellow fiddling busker after dancing Strip the Willow in a disorderly fashion.

All you can eat fresh fish feast. Hitchhiked a German on Marcuses trailer. Drank the green wine and the white wine. Hizzy was happy. Cycled back to town. Played a game where you try and knock each other off the bikes whilst cycling. Propa mint craic. Decended on a lonely cocktail bar. Beat Marcus at table football. Got beat by Marcus at table football. Got rowdy. Made some accidental friends.

Set up tents in the drunk dark. Marcus drank a half bottle of wine in bed looking at the stars. Loads of shooters.

Two trip Lidl day disasters- mauling about losing panniers, spilling ice, crashing into other shoppers, losing shopping "I nearly took out an old boy". Hungover on the beach with Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder. Sea swims, cocktail times, little walks. Frisbee's back in fashion. I've grown a new belly. Mixta pastries are to blame. Gonna try and get off this beach tomorrow.

[sausages95]

[sausages95]

Over 1000miles 😀

Day- 36

Location- Camping Ingrina

"yeah you smell worse than a football lad"

New Characters

Fatball- bulldog with a great face

Luke- English guy with a guitar and a sense of humour so dry it was often confusing

Fat policeman- unpleasant little chap

French surfers- friendly/cooooollllllleh

Algarve beaches. Sun, sea, sand, surf, strangers and situations. Reached 1000miles the other day. Celebrated by upping the drinking and lowering the cycling. Found some rocks in caves to climb about in- happy lads. Communal debates about the necessity of alcohol, chocolate spread and oats. "How do we all feel about the lack of Rondas tonight?" All rather dull but then life on the road isn't always fun and games.

Had some fun and games. Frisbee in the dark, chasing waves, rolling down sanddunes, swimming in the lagoon. At one point Franny ran at me naked- knob swaying like a palm tree on the breeze. Elegant to say the least.

Got hit by a storm last night. Big fat fucker of a thing, whipping you from all angles. Little sleep was had by all. My tent collapsed on me at approximately 1am. Got in with Franny. He wasn't too happy about that. Football lad.

The next day was a sunny enough affair and the consensus was we'd stick around. Massive waves in the morning. I took them on. I lost. Marcus took them on with the surf board. He nearly lost but got away with scraped ankles.

After the nights debarcle we all secured our tents good and strong with rocks and sand and Nicky's pua knowledge of the way of things. I hit my toes off one of the rocks and took the top clean off two toes. Right on cue the police turned up and told us to leave. "If you do the time you do the crime" or something. We cycled off (disgruntled? Yes. But did we let low spirits get the better of us? NAY). Cue hills, cue darkness, cue rain.

Campsite, camp chairs, spud made cocktails, Marcus made potatos. Amber's face smells mint. What consitutes as an emergency? Discuss. Left dead early, didn't see anyone so didn't pay. Take that police. Watched the sun rise lazy and fat out the sea. Off to Lagos for some admin. Its not all fun and games.

[sausages95]

Martys back

Location- Sau Teotònio

Setting- dark, warm, smells like imminent curry and eucalyptus

"Would you rather 6 guarenteed oral sexes off a fitty, or guaranteed oral hygene for life" (oral hygene won)

Found the crew. Some dull travel time spent  which I won't bore you with. (Popped home for a week to surprise maw for her birthday. She was surprised.) Not much has changed. Banter is more or less the same. Shouting football has got big. Personally not so on that banter train. Chocolate spread and Ronda biscuits have been added to the necessities.

Hizzy dreamt of croissants and prawns. The reality is porridge and soup. Gutted.

Travelling as 7 is more cumbersome than 5. Slight schedule problems- I like quick mornings and long evenings, Marcus likes long mornings and quick evenings, others don't give a fuck. Well and truly in the south. It's heating up kids. Jamesy is in his shorts. What? I know.

MARCUS FOUND THE SURF. Happy bunny. Left a trail of belongings en route to the sea like a merman morphing into his true habitat. Saw him "catch a wave". Gnarly.

With us we have 2 culinary experts, one dancer, one musician, a gardenner, a painter and decorator and a professional tenter. Zombie apocalypse team assembled. We all know who'd be first to go.

Good. Football.

[sausages95]

gojonnygogo

[sausages95]

Late posts from wor Franny

Franny

Location - Lisboa, Belem (last night)

'I fucking hate Rainbows me' - Hizzy

Moods

Hizzy - canny

Nicky Whitaker - excited about getting the boat

Amber - delirious and giddy

Marcus - ambiguous

Spuddy - focused

Me - hungry

Our big time a-list celeb blogger 'Little Fat Marty', has been away, so just before she returns I thought it be time for a few choice words/big catch up.

About a week ago, we lost our angel Marty and welcomed in 'the lads', wor Nicky and Hizzy! Early eve meet up at Monte Real, hugs and hollas and a below par camping spot on wasteland near a crossroads. Blazing squad weren't even there. We get overly buzzing about a big cooking pan Hizzy has brought and 400 Yorkshire Teabags! Derishus! Back to the old school with fishy passata pasta. Another frosty night.

I'm getting addicted to porridge, or rather the things you put in to make it tasty. Chocolate, chocolate spread, bananas, crunched up biscuits on top, sultanas, cream. Sweetness! Blazing hot day, short ride to Nazaré. We all want to see the big daddy wave its famed for. We don't see the big daddy wave. Amber's Salon is open for custom, haircuts on the beach, beers on the beach, quick dip equals clean body, clean pants. Mad sea food risotto, some unidentifiable things in there, I swear me and Nicky had a human spine to try and work out how to eat. Banging camp spot by the sea. Early morning Michael Jackson singalongs. Billy Jean is certainly not my lover. Porridge! Woooopa! Peniche here we come.

Mahoosive steep climb to start the marnin, rolling hills, turquoise H2O to the west for miles! Obidos castle sits proud upon its hill. Solo lunch date at Praia da Gamboa, settle in at a cafe to wait for the others. Turns out my twiglet legs go pretty quick. So I wait some more. Write some shit, read some stuff, drink alotta coffee and eat a few more pastel de nata's. Reunited with the crew! Mouse outfit blasts out at camp setup, we talk a lot about possibly surfing the next day, ridiculous amounts of spicy sauce and rice, hot chocolate and chocolate. Dry night, no frost! Wtf!? Could it be it's FINALLY getting warmer? Bullsheeeet! Nestle in with Amber and Spudling for sunrise. Cuppas and that. Destination for ze day, Sintra.

BARRY BIG BOLLOCKS DAY!

Hizzy's war cry rings loud as he starts a cray cray steep climb up to the statue at Ericeira. 'BUNDESLIGA BUNDESLIGA'! More pastries for my ever expanding belly. Buy a pear from a very crinkly looking old woman in a layby. Her face looked like clay. Last ascent into Sintra is a beeeeeach. Christmas songs play throughout the whole place. On loop. Head fook. Beer in the last of the sun overlooking the castle. Team roll into town into the night. Treat is a hostel. It has an oven. Spuds famous last words of 'we should make the most of that oven' ends up with me and Marcus buying 3 pizzas, 30 fishfingers, 30 chicken nuggets, 2 bags of chips, 9 litres of beer, a loaf, ketchup and mayonnaise. High end cuisine. Man it tasted boomting. Taste! Pulp fiction to end the night. Snoozeville.

We get told off for not washing our dishes by the hostel owner. We get told off again for leaving our clothes all over the place. Then we proceed to eat all the breakfast food. I was feeling personally unsure as to whether the woman liked us. Fear not! She presents us with a platter of crisps just before we leave. Noice one!

Mooch about Sintra. Our first bit of 'sight-seeing'. Marcus is excited for the gardens. Christmas carols continue to play EVERYWHERE. We discuss whether the old crooners are the best. We're still divided on this. 'CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIIIIIIIIRE'. Start walking up to the castle, get distracted by a wee climbing wall, then some boulders. We never make it to the castle. Turns out a waiter at a cafe is more pissed off with the carols than everyone else. He looked like Vin Diesel. Portuguese Vin Diesel DOES NOT like carols. Afternoon ride to Praia da Adraga! What a belter! What a wee Willy won't he!!! Huge downhill to a gorgeous beach for sunset. We're already moaning about having to go back up it in the morning. Me, Spudling and Marcus get battered by the waves. Nicky and Hiz gaan for a seafood date. Turns out turbot is pretty pricey in these parts. Sleep out under the canopy of stars! Bivvytastic. The moon is like a flood light!

Early morning wake up. The moon sinks into the sea. I watch a man try to lift/push/pull up huge rocks in the sand. He doesn't succeed. I have no idea what he was doing. Spud scares the shit out of me and ruins my peaceful observing. Marcus has gained the name 'Moley' in the mornings. His wee head popping out his wee tent, fluffy eyes, still 90% asleep, not raring to go at all. In the following few hours he does fix his ukulele and undertakes some maintenance on his beloved Dragonfly stove. Football lad. Unplanned day off the saddle, walk to Cabo da Roca, Europe's most westerly point. Loads of selfie stick folk. Overpriced coffee. Amber wants cheeseburgers. Marcus loses his t-shirt. Shop run for curry stuff and beers. Upon returning we spot a rare sighting of Mr Nicky Whitakers delightful arse charging into the sea. Possibly the whitest arse I ever did saw!

We meet Marty in a few hours and head saaaf to what we hope is gonna present us with toasty temperatures and sleeping conditions that allow for less than 3 layers of clothing. Watch dis space.

Big loves

Franny

Xx

[sausages95]

Beer beats and treats

Day- 20

Location- Still Porto

"That guy's head just touched my bum. I think I'm in."

Went out in Porto. Our new German pal kept plying us with beer. Foolish man. Then we plyed ourselves with beer. Foolish men. Ended up at a Balkan party. Oneinoneout, everyone smoking tabs, beer everywhere. Lots of shouting at each other. Started a mosh pit. One lass was seen angrily stamping her feet at us. I believe some people were entertained but the majority displeased. In Porto you can buy unidentifiable deepfried snacks for 1euro a pop. Bangin.

Accidentally woke up our hosts children at 5am. They proceeded to wake us up at 9am so all's fair that ends fair is what I say... okay a few regrets.

In Porto they do a sandwich called a Francisher or something. It's sliced white bread with 5 different unnamed meats inside, covered in cheese, covered in hot sauce. Disgusting. The boys love it. We ordered what we thought was a 4 cheese pizza. It has shrimp and tuna and beef and cheese. It was also disgusting. The boys ate it.

The gig last night was successful. Little vegan cafe. Free dinner. Yass. Marcus did a blues version of Robert the Wasp. Ended the set on a flamenco version of "I Will Survive". Did some Martha Hill classics to keep the crowd pleased. We've split up for a bit. The crew are at Miguels (warm showers host outta town) and I'm innercity babin it with Leo. Going to some hippy party. Rockon. (Party was lush! Fires and djembes and juggling and children. All the boxes ticked. Love me some hippy crack.)

[sausages95]

[sausages95]

PORTO R U READY

Day 18

Location: Porto

"Everything I have smells awful except Ambers scarf. Smell this it smells like angels"

MARTHA

550 miles cycled. 5 sore bums. 1 new German pal. 7 sugar sachets stashed. So many lost hopes and dreams of 5euro a day budgets, successful busks, beach bods formed.. but we're here. In Porto. Yaldi.

Yesterday we wound our way along the Northside of the Douro river, past angry dogs and tiny old Portuguese woman with raisin faces and shawls, hitting olives off trees or carrying bundles of sticks or burning shit (the women not the dogs don't be silly).

Spent the night before drinking beers and farting with Marcus and Franny like proper geezers. They gazelled over the fence to get back into where we were camped and I belly flopped after. Grace. Sausages and mash and gravy for dins. Mummy.

The team split up last night. Amber and Spud camped in Melres and swam with the salmon and ate the salmon and were one with the salmon.

Marcus, Franny and I cycled 100km to Porto like the beasts we are. Drank beer, ate food, smoked tabs, hostel bants, made a German friend called Stephan. I went to bed early but they stayed out. Made friends with two lasses from Birmingham. One of them was wearing a knitted sweater with her own name on it. Ended up eating Maccy Ds at 2am. Idiots.

Drum and bass breakfast mornings. Took over the hostel kitchen. Chocky spread on ma bread. Went into the world's 3rd most beautiful bookshop. It lived up to its claim. Met up with an old friend Leo.

Formed a musical collective called Feed Martha's Wippet Bean. Accidentally got a gig tomorrow night. Gonna be siiiick. Off out on the rave tonight lads PHWAAAAOORRRHAAHAAAA HARHAR WOTCHOUT PORTOH

FRANNY

Bonding time with Marty!

Bonding time with Marty!

Bathroom bants. Martha is pretty chuffed with how her ass is lookin, cue Animal from Sesame Street boxer shorts, a mirror and some serrrrrrious cheek dancing! Oh mercy! Popped a spot on her bumcheek like the great pal i am.

There's an image for you all to enjoy forever more. Thank me later

Currently sprawled out in Leo's house, laundry is on! GET IN! Propa clean panties at last! Preparing for a night of Balkan tunes and dancing with the crew back in full force! Canny wait. Martha is singing things that feel nice in my ears. Hair clippers are charging. Time for a new do me thinks.

[sausages95]

Two in one. Days a plenty. A hobits tale by weefatmarty

Day 16

Location- Ribalonga

Big stars up above. In the woods cooking chilli in the dark. Spuds taken head chef role which leaves me with DJ duties. Listening to Fleetwood Mac. Reminiscing reetgood craic. Loving the toon from a distance.

The team are back together! Found wee Marcus in a square in Murca with beers and knobjokes at the ready. Morale well and truly boosted. Hard day physically. Same old blue skies, 50km uphill or thereabouts.

Got chased by three wee puppies. I stopped and gave them the look and they backed the FOCKoff hah. Who's boss nowwwwbitches. (Did get a bee in the eye later on during a particularly tasty downhill wiggle which put the animals back up at 1 all.)

Still meandering to Porto.

MOODS

Me- sore bum, nostalgic, peaceful

Marcus- calm and hungry

Amber- fatigue. Fat and gay.

Spud- Excited.

Franny- big, fat and heavy.

Waiting waiting waiting. DINNER IS READY IT'S ALL HAPPENNG NOW.

Day 17

Location- Mesao Frio

"If I wasn't so obsessed with cake I'd have been a ballerina"

First cloudy day since Spain. Had the best downhill ride of our long and fruitful lives. Little bits to dodge, hardly needed breaking, weight distribution- felt like a video game. Made it down to the Douro River. Big fat lazy thing. "Bigger than the Tyne" said Franny. "Neeeeeeeway nothing's bigger than the Tyne" we replied. But it is. And so it was.

Meanwhile Amber and I cycle side by side, getting to the depths of our behavioural patterns (mostly me talking at Amber about myself). Stop for lunch in Regua. Quick Lidl break- stock up on choc up ma face.

"We can easily do another 20k" boasted Marcus.

"HAH" said Portugal "CYCLE UP THIS HILL YOU TARTS"

That hill pissed all over the Picos. Bloody massive thighs. My calves have grown calves. We come upon a Tricycle Museum. Lovely ladies let us lay our tents upon their grass (not a euphemism).

All in all a corker of a day. Sausages and mash for dinner oggy oggy oggy

....oioioi.

[sausages95]

In the beginning there was Johanna.. and rain.. and a ferry... and a donkey.

[sausages95]

Day 15

Location- Valpacos

Part 1- Martha

The descent in Portugal was beautiful. Gradual ascent, long windy descent, sexy curves and swoopy swoops. We've all cracked how to stay warm at night just as the nights begin to warm. Cola cao every night. Sip sip pass nibble nibble pass.

Had a day off in Puebla de Sanabria. Sampled all the local pubs, charged up some shit, washed some socks, washed some bodies. Marcus fixed my bike and broke his.

I had a tough few days with not sleeping in the cold and was unbelievably well looked after by the team. The best sorts of eggs.

Camped in a pine forest on top of a hill. The sun is warming up. Franny is singing. Someone just rolled a cig. More photos to follow. En route to Porto in no particular hurry.

Part 2- Franny

A beauty long climb to start the marnin, suns oot, clear blue canvas above us and flanked by chestnut trees and views for miiiiiiiles pet! Then down we go,

Down down down down

Down down down down

Nothing but downhill

Chilly on the Willy it was

Stop for coffee, watch a cute kid smash a football about whilst his family shout 'shoota shoota' Little Marty pops up and heads on dissappearing round a corner hands in the air, probably singing a banging tune like an angel! Olive trees all owa the shop, sun is baking, stop for a quick wee Sagres, then another Sagres, we all break into a chorus of 'o little town of bethlehem', nosh left over curry from last night and a Magnum. Man i love Magnum's! I had the sandwich one, you get more ice cream cos there's no stick. Just something for you all to consider next time you're debating which one to pick.

Decide to head west towards Valpaços. Big long ascents, steep short ascents, everything is uphill. Huge boulder fields and remains from forest fires. Nearly get bit by a radgie brown pup! I sit watching the sun go down in Valpaços and get a call from the boy Wilson telling me he's in Mirandela. 25km south. What a nob! 5 is 4 for this eve then!

Part 3- Martha

So it's pua late by the time we're all in valpacos (except wee Marcus weepweep) so it's HOSTEL TIME BABY! Blow the budget on a shite hotel. Cold shower, creaky bed, toilet and shower in same room as bed, broken tv. We're all pretty farty cause we binged on eggs yesterday... all in all a bit grimm. Amber and spud go for a romantic wine fuelled dinner. Me and Franny get kebab pizza and chips and beer and watch tv and shout at people. Propa Geordie night oot on the toon. Sleep long and happy. Warm shower, clean clothes, coffee and pastel de nata. Up an hour early due to time differences gone unchecked. Today's missoon- find wee marcusto wilseonae! (Good news is he's fixed his bike. Wahey)

[sausages95]

Life hacks feat. Martha Hill

How to stay warm in sub-zero conditions. Life Hacks with Martha Hill.

1. Lie your waterproof poncho on the floor of tent.

2. Drink some whisky.

3. Lie down some cardboard forraged from the bins.

4. Drink some more whisky.

5. Survival blanket off spud (mint thing about survival blankets is not only are they super warm, but they're also propa shiney and make for that glitz, high fashion vibe. Also they make a pure mint crackling sound when you roll over at night)

6. Whisky

7. Sleeping bag next. Essentials.

8. The other survival blanket (I'm surviving okay?!)

9 and 10. The last of the whimsy.

And BOOM. You have a below average nights sleep on a below the budget line red line whisky time ahhhhyeeeaahhh. Franny is cooking pasta. Mint.

[sausages95]

Day 10- Martha (yesterdays post- has no signal)

Well and truly out of the mountains. Big long roads stretching as far as the eye can see, framed with poplar trees and dead, dryed cornfields. Massive clear skies, dusty air, old farmers. Makes for good thinking space. Occasional towns crop up. Usually depressing little places. Some houses built into hills; big long chimneys growing up out the grass.

We've naturally formed roles within the group

Me- Head Chef

Franny- Chief Navagater

Amber- Queen Seamstress

Marcus- General Knob/morale booster

Spud- Master Mechanic

Night's have been hard. Sub-zero conditions without proper gear for three nights running. Ice on the inside of the tents, water frozen in the bottles. My joints areny happy. Ambers got sore nips. Creamy porridge makes up for it. Franny makes the tea in the morning to tempt Marcus out of his tent. Every morning I hear Marcus say "come on Wilson" under his breath to egg himself on. (Martha- "why is he always so happy in the morning!? I walked over and he was like ha ha ha.")

Heading West rapidly on these bigfatstraight roads so it'll heat up soon I'm sure. I'm sure it will I'm sure. Franny said so. Got me some whisky and cardboard insulation for tonight hahahaaamummy. Went on a churros date with Franny today. Market feasts, drying icey tents in the sun, funny looks, advice for Morocco.

If I don't sleep tonight I'll weep.