scribbledthisout

[scribbledthisout]

32

It was my birthday last week and it was one of the best birthdays I had in a while.

Namely because it was just so peaceful. I went to my pilates class. Had a nice breakfast at home. Did a long hairwash. Made my birthday cake and steak dinner. Watched a movie.

There was peace. The birthday cards didn't have the horrible "you're getting old why aren't you married yet" questions in it. My mum wrote down I'm her best friend. Dad wrote down he needs me more and is grateful I'm there for him.

I recieved so many presents that I feel very spoilt and lucky. At work on Tuesday EC and AK baked me lemon drizzle cakes which I thought was incredibly sweet.

I went to the zoo with the whole family on Sunday and felt utterly exhausted afterwards. Seeing the red pandas was worth it though. Importantly, I got my parents to go out together, which was the main achievement.

In this period I want to say I am thankful of the peace around me and pray it can stay this way... But in my heart I know it won't and so that baseline level of anxiety remains.

Today is FSP's last day at the company he's been working at for years. I hope he can find a good place to work in London soon and be happy. I have to remind myself that him moving is also an opportunity for him that he would have never had in Italy.

Mum and dad are going to a wedding on Sunday. Hopefully they're not going to be asked about me there.

I guess those are the main things on my mind right now. I'm going to try knitting the stress out with this sock I'm trying to make!

[scribbledthisout]

March

It's nearly springtime, though you wouldn't know it by how chilly it's been the past few days.

I'm happy January and February has passed by seemingly so quickly.

Soon it'll be my birthday which I'm hoping can just pass by smoothly without family dramas.

It's weird to think FSP might be living here from next month. It's weirdly exciting looking for studio flats.

I've been thinking more about where I want to go career wise too. The academic career pathway perhaps. People are saying they think I'd be good at it and for once I don't disagree.

Health wise I've been ok. My heart still beats a bit too fast. I've got a date in May to have a pre-assessment fot my wisdom teeth removal.

I'm thankful for everything.

[scribbledthisout]

[scribbledthisout]

I wish someone told me this when I was in secondary school.

You are allowed to exist alone in public btw. You're allowed to go to the movies alone and go out to eat alone and hang out in a park alone and go for a walk alone and whatever else. It isn't weird or creepy, it doesn't make you lonely or a loser or whatever. You are allowed to just exist as yourself.

[scribbledthisout]

SORRY FOR THE VERY PERSONAL COMIC!!

This is my half of “Unhealthy”, an essay comic double header with the lovely and talented Sarah Winifred Searle. She and I both wrote about our personal experiences as overweight ladies with eating disorders, and her story is breathtaking! You can buy a physical copy of the book here: https://topatoco.com/collections/abby-howard/products/ah-unhealthy

Or buy a digital PDF here: https://abbyhoward.itch.io/unhealthy

[scribbledthisout]

FSP got Granted Pre-Settled Status

(So now he'll be able to live and work in the UK for five years).

When I saw the message, I nearly cried. I couldn't believe it.

I didn't believe it. I thought it'd be a rejection. I even wrote a note on my phone to comfort myself from that eventuality.

It hasn't sunk in yet. 2024 will be the year of change it promised to be and I promise to be ready for it. I need to be.

But for now I just want to relax and enjoy.

[scribbledthisout]

5 simple exercises to awaken dormant muscles

{source}

[scribbledthisout]

[scribbledthisout]

[scribbledthisout]

The first snow of 2024

It fell like powder and didn't last long, but yes, it snowed today :) Welcome Me to a new year. I think 2024 will be a year for change. Politically it'll be the year we're finally rid of the incompetent Conservative goverment. America has elections too and I can't guess the direction that will head towards. Life wise, there will be big changes too. E has a gf now. I'm really excited by that and pray it works out for him. I want him to move out, start a family, all that stuff so much because I know that's also what he really wants too. I've mentioned all these things to probably change in the new year, and haven't mentioned anything about myself. I hope this is the year FSP can move here. I hope this is the year my life can change too, without causing hurt or pain towards anyone. All I want for this year is health, happiness and peace.

[scribbledthisout]

[scribbledthisout]

2023 Christmas Preaents from Family and Family Friends

[scribbledthisout]

Saying goodbye was so emotional it must have triggered physical trauma

On Monday evening the ouchie returned. I was in so much pain again, but this time I didn't go to the hospital. The consequence of this has been a longer recovery. It's Friday evening and I still feel the beast lingering a bit.

Thinking about It, I was so distraught saying goodbye to FSP's family, especially his mum who has been so innocently kind and loving to me, and his doggo who I just love so much that I was trying to keep her dog hairs on my coat.

I got so spoilt with the ability to just touch FSP when I wanted. And now feel so wrecked that it's not there. He's not here.

But I have to wake up to reality now. He'll be here soon and I need to be well again.

I am also more than my relationship.

Just as I was tying to remind myself that, I can see that my scientific manuscript was accepted pending minor revisions. I'm over the moon. I'm ready to kick ass again... Almost. After a bit of recovery.

[scribbledthisout]

This is a post I wrote on the plane

I'm flying back from Rome Fumicino airport (my first time at this Rome airport) to Gatwick. I spent a few days in L'Aquila after the BSI in Beflast, seeing Florin's beautiful family and friends, breathing in the mountain air, all whilst with a terrible sore throat and the runniest nose I've ever had. That's no exaggeration. I feel like I've depleted the tissue supply in the whole of L'Aquila.

I had a wonderful time despite how ill I've felt and how sleep deprived I am. It feels really strange going back to London now after all this.

I feel like I've learnt a lot about myself in this time too, both in Ireland and Italy. I learnt I know how to party, but I know my limits well and am totally an adult here when others my age might still struggle with that. I learnt I miss London. I love London. I love Florin. He looked after me so might whilst I was ill. He didn't leave the airport until he was sure my plane was flying. My heart aches so much because it's split in so many directions, but I appreciate that I am lucky to be loved in so many different places.

Hopefully when this plane lands all will be okay.

[scribbledthisout]

[scribbledthisout]

Tomorrow I fly

I'm going to Belfast tomorrow evening for the BSI congress and I'm going to be away for the week. On Thursday I fly back to London and from there to Italy.

I've been stressing about this trip for a long time now. Pretty much as soon as I decided I'd return to Italy to see FSP's parents again my anxiety shot up.

My anxiety isn't because I don't want to go. It's because I don't want to lie as the people at home don't know I'll be there.

But no matter what I do, I'm compelled to keep the truth from them.

I pray that in the end, it'd have been worth it and they can be happy for me.

I don't want to stress anymore. I want to smile knowing I'm going on an adventure. I deserve a holiday and I also deserve to be free.

[scribbledthisout]

the transition im crying