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Boys really just love playing games, don't they

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Not knowing is one of the shittiest emotional feelings

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I'm fucking sexy

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I fucked up

I hooked up with Connor a few weekends ago to try and get back at Lawrence (there's a post about it that I made). On Friday, I went to Connors to pre before we went to the bar with Anna Sophie and Jas, and Lawrence was there amongst a few other people. Connor and I were being flirty at the pre, and I'm pretty sure we kissed a couple times at the bar. But then Lawrence and I started dancing together, and he kissed me. I ended up walking away, but I can't remember if it was because the moment was over or if it was because I just didn't want to. Flash forward to going back to Connors, we're all on the bus with a bunch of people, me, Sadie, anna, Jas, Connor and Lawrence, and Sadie threw up everywhere so we got off the bus. I remember kissing Connor a couple times walking home, and him touching my butt and stuff. When we got back to Connors, everyone went on the balcony to smoke. I went to the washroom, and when I came out Lawrence was waiting for me. He asked if he could show me something, I said yes, and he took me into Connors room where we started making out. We did that for a couple minutes, and I told him it just wasn't a good time and we could maybe do it later, since there were like, 10 people there. He said ok and we went back out to the living room to join everyone else. While we were sat in the living room, Lawrence asked me why his snap to me was pending. I remembered I had deleted him off of snap one night so I wouldn't drunk text him, but I just made up some bs excuse that I couldn't remember. I then stood up to go talk to someone else, and that's when Connor walked by me and smacked me on the butt playfully. This is when I started getting anxiety, because I felt like Connor and Lawrence were going to hate me after that night for being such a hoe, which they truthfully have every right to. I pulled Jas into the washroom and asked her what she thought I should do, and she said I should just go home, but if it came down to it I should hook up with Connor. We went back out to the living room and I sat on the couch, and Lawrence sat right beside me. He told me to check my phone, where I saw this message, sent to me on Saturday at 4:55am:

"Are you down to come with us or is my place too hot ;) " (he lives above a pizza place so his place is so fucking hot)

I looked over at him and nodded. Why the fuck did I do that? I like this kid a lot, and it's so obvious he has no respect for me and is literally using me for sex. When we got to his house we fucked like, 5 times and it was really fucking good. I like the way he likes to play footsies, and I like how he gets sweaty and sticky but still wants to cuddle anyways, and I like that he's so easy to talk to. But the thing is, he's like that with every other girl, and I know this because my roommates friend is fucking him, too.

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Andy spitting TRUTH

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Age cannot wither her nor custom stale her infinite variety.

William Shakespeare

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It's interesting how people who have their lives together judge so fast. Lives can unravel at the snap of a finger, to anybody. Remember that.

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I cannot WAIT to be a bad bitch Wonder Woman on Halloween... channeling summer roberts Christmas present to seth

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Autumn

There's something so beautifully satisfying about red-orange leaves dressing the ground, making crunchy noises every step you make. Fall is like a breath of fresh air, it's like even when I'm depressed I'm happy.

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One of my most cherished accomplished dreams: capturing the blissful moment a stadium sings along to fix you with Chris Martin live.

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How strange that I did these almost exactly 10 months apart

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Something unsettling happened on the weeekend. I went to Connors, as I usually do after a night out. Beforehand, I was at Tequila Jacks with Sophie and all of them. Lawrence messaged me and said to come to his place with Sophie because his roommate had a crush on her. She didn't feel like going, so when Connor texted me, I decided to go to his instead. The same people were there that usually are, and as usual I was wasted. Lawrence showed up at around 2:30, but didn't stay for that long and left without saying bye to anyone.

Connor sent him a text (which is irrelevant to the story) and Lawrence sent him something back that was funny. Connor gave me his phone to look and then walked away. I looked above the message he was showing me and saw one from Lawrence earlier in the night that said something along the lines of, "olivia lemoine just texted me saying she's bored, invite her to your place. Could be a possible smash for you."

I was fucking hurt.

This guy really thinks he can just pawn me off now that he isn't interested anymore. I really couldn't believe my eyes.

Not only did I bite my tongue and not say anything about it for the rest of the night, but I hooked up with Connor. I really don't know why the hell I did that, but I did it. I think it was kinda a fuck you to Lawrence, make it look like I don't care about him anymore, and be like "your friend got to fuck me, and you never did. How does it feel?" Even though he clearly doesn't give a fuck.

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Anxious

For the past few days, I've been so anxious. I did coke for the first time in a year and a half and it triggered the anxiety a bit I think. I've been anxious to the point of wanting to throw up, break down in tears on the bus and I can't sleep. I think it's because I know what's coming... my depression was at an all time peak last year in December/January. I'm so petrified of feeling that way again that I really don't know what to do about it. I hate talking to people about it because it makes me feel really weak. This is why I love turning to my tumblr. It's the only place I can say what I want to say where there's no audience. Nobody can judge me, nobody can have their opinions about me. It's so fucking helpful.

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I'll never understand how someone can change their mind so easily about a person. If I could have any superpower, it would be to read minds. Because not knowing really kills.

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My top 10 Rupi pieces

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Anxiety

My anxiety has been through the roof lately. I can eat maybe 1 meal a day without completely getting sick. All I can think about is the worst scenarios of every future situation. I've lost 7 pounds in the past 5 days which is really scaring me but I honestly can't help it. I can't hold anything down

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Sorry I'm just really cute today