selfparasbym

[selfparasbym]

Lucy’s timeline. 

> *Summer went away; the first few months*

~December 27th~ baby made

~January 10th~ Postive pregnancy test

~February 14th~ Lulu gets dumped, baby Ainsley’s 10 weeks in the womb. 

~May~ Lucy gradutes college 

~May-July~ Lucy works at the footlocker for a little extra money

~August~ Lucy begins teaching 1st grade, and works at the footlocker on the weekends until the baby comes. 

> *Still, the yearning stays; baby’s 1st year millestones*

~September 19th~Ainsley Kate Hadley is born in Boulder, Colorado at 4:12 am. 

~October 31st~ Ainsley’s 1st halloween, Lucy dressed her like a baby bumble bee.

~December 11th~ Lucy’s maternity leave ends, and her dad comes to watch  Ainsley for the 4 days Lucy works before Christmas break. 

~December 25th~ Ainsley’s 1st Christmas

~January 9th~Lucy drops Ainsley off to daycare for the first time and she cries the whole way to work. 

~February 14th~ One year since Maxy dumped her

~March~ Ainsley starts to crawl and Lucy cries. 

~May~ Lucy’s first mother’s day she buys herself a cherry coke. 

~May-July~ During summer break Lucy works Monday-Thursday at footlocker again while Ainsley goes to daycare, then she spends Friday-Sunday with Ainsley doing fun mom stuff. 

~August~ Lucy starts her second year of teaching.

~September 18th~ Ainsley says “mama” for the first time which quickly becomes her favorite word. 

> *I didn't choose this town; year 2*

~September 19th~ Ainsley’s first birthday; the theme is farmers market because Lucy loves to take Ainsley to the farmers market every every Saturday. Lucy is close to calling Max but the second she pulls her phone out Ainsley starts to walk. 

~October 31st~ Ainsley’s second halloween; Ainsley goes as a bumble bee again bc it’s gosh darn cute, and Lucy calls her her baby bee, and her nursery was bumble bee themed. 

~November~ Ainsley and Lucy spend Thanksgiving break in Seattle to visit her dad, Lucy gets so anxious every time she leaves the house that trip that she ends up throwing up. 

~December~ Ainsley’s second Christmas.

~Feburary 14th~ Maxy left her ass two years ago. 

~May-July~ Lucy works Monday-Wednesdays at the footlocker, and then Thursday-Friday at bath and body works in the summer while Ainsley’s at daycare. 

~August~ Lucy’s 3rd year of teaching. 

> *I dreamed of getting out*; year 3*

~September 19th~ Ainsley’s 2nd birthday; the theme is “boo! i’m two” bc Ainsley in the morning loves to hide her face under her covers then go “boo”.

~October 31st~ Ainsley’s 3rd halloween, Ainsley goes as a chicken her choice.

~November~ Lucy and Ainsley spend Thanksgiving break in Alburquerque where she’s like “oh yeah this is nice”. Even tho she missed the hot air ballon festival the month before.

~December 25th~ Lucy and Ainsley spend Christmas with her dad in Seattle, and they stay at his house the entire time besides going to the park once.

~January~ Lucy starts applying for teaching jobs in Alburquerque, and saving like crazy to spend the summer with Ainsley.

~February~ Ainsley bites a kid a school because they keep talking about their daddy.

~February 14th~ 3 years since we’ve seen Max’s tall ass. 

~May~ Lucy finishes her last year of teaching in Boulder.

~May~ Lucy and Ainsley move to Albuquerque.

~June-July~ Lucy and Ainsley spend the summer together; hanging out with auntie morgan, visiting Lucy’s sister Maeve in Phoenix, meeting Lucy’s brother Beau in Cali to go to Disney, and meeting grandpa in Santa Fe to spend a week with him to go to musuems.

~August~ Ainsley starts her new daycare Lucy cries, and Lucy starts teaching 3rd grade. 

~September 5th~ Lucy ends up with a flattire on the way to pick up Ainsley from daycare, when a nice doctor Christopher Bien helps change her tire. He ask for her number she gives it to him. 

~September 10th~ Christopher has called and texted Lucy every day being a perfect gentlemen.   

> *I picked the petals, he loves me not; year 4*

~September 19th~ Ainsley’s 3rd birthday, the theme is cookie monster because baby girl loves the cookie monster; Elmo can fuck off. Christopher sends Lucy’s flowers. 

~September 23rd~ Lucy agrees to go on a day date with Christopher while Ainsley’s at school, and he’s charming and sweet. 

~October 3rd~ Christopher ask Lucy to be his girlfriend and she agrees. 

~October 31st~ Ainsley’s 4th halloween, and she goes as a pink crayon because it’s her favorite. 

~November 1st~ Christopher gets to meet Ainsley.

~November~ For thanksgiving Christopher takes Lucy and Ainsley to NYC for the Macy’s day parade, and for Ainsley to see Sesame street the musical. 

~December~ Christopher takes Lucy and Ainsley to Chicago to meet his family, and to celebrate Chanukah. Christopher’s mother loves Ainsley bc she has 4 grandsons and wants a granddaughter, LOl. 

~December 24-28~Lucy and Christopher spend Christmas in Seattle with her dad, and Joshua doesn’t like Christopher he doesn’t know why he just doesn’t like him. 

~February 14th~ 4 year since Maxy last saw them tiddies and dat ass of Lucy’s. 

~April 15th~ Christopher ask Lucy to move in and she declines very kindly. 

~May~ Summer break begins. Lucy takes Ainsley to Boise, Idaho to visit her mom’s parents. 

~June~ Christopher, Lucy, and Ainsley go to Flordia to the beach. A well-meaning old lady calls Christopher Ainsley’s dad which Lucy quickly corrects. Things are awkward between Christopher and Lucy, Ainsley is in her own world. 

~July~ Christopher takes Lucy and Ainsley with him to his friend’s annual 4th of July party, which Lucy low key hates. 

~Late July~ Lucy takes Ainsley to Boulder to visit friends. 

~August~ Lucy’s 5th year of teaching begins. 

~Labor day; early September~ Lucy and Christopher take Ainsley to White sands national park, and he’s like real nice to Ainsley like he always is and Lucy’s like maybe he could be a secondary love of my life. 

> *Something different bloomed; year 5*

~September 19th~: Ainsley’s 4th birthday; the theme is four-ever sweet. 

~October 31st~ Ainsley’s 5th halloween and she goes as a crazy cat lady. 

~November~ Lucy and Ainsley spend thanksgiving with Christopher’s family

~December 24th~ Christopher proposes to Lucy and she accepts. 

~February 14th~ 5 years since the ill fated break up. 

[selfparasbym]

Elliot’s timeline. 

> *Happens each time a boy falls in love with a girl; the first few months*

May: Elliot doesn’t renew his contract at the school wanting a change. 

June 26th: Elliot dumps Gia

September: Elliot starts his law school year at Stanford

> *Happens great; Ella’s first year*

April 24th- Ella’s born, elliot is off unaware.

June 26th: 1 year break up anniversary 

September: Elliot starts year 2 of law school

> *happens sweet; Ella’s second year*

April 24th: Ella’s 1st birthday

May-Elliot gradutes with his masters

May-Elliot moves back to Seattle and works for his dad

June 26th: Two years since Elliot made the worst choice of his life. 

September-Elliot starts his ph.D in law from UW

> *when the stench of the sea and the absence of green; Ella’s third year*

April 24th: Ella’s second birthday

June 26th: Three years since Elliot fucked over the best girl he could have gotten.

September: Elliot’s second year of his ph.D

> *Are the death of all things that are seen and unseen;Ella’s fourth year*

April 24th: Ella’s third birthday

June 26th: Four years since Elliot was a dickhead

September: Elliot’s third year of his ph.D

December: Elliot gradutes with his ph.D

> *Not an end, but the start of all things that are left to do;Ella’s 5th year*

January: Elliot accepts a job at NYU teaching law

April 24th: Ella’s 4th birthday

June 26th: five years since Elliot messed up big time

[selfparasbym]

“Slow down you crazy child You're so ambitious for a juvenile”

Sadie was never quite patient. She was born in the middle of a snow storm in Memphis while her mother was working on her masters degree, and her father was beginning his career in the field of banking and finances. 

”I like the name Sadie,” her mother, Jocelyn finally said as they stared at the pink bundle blankets in front of the them. 

”Maybe Beth for the middle name,” Richard suggested after his favorite song by Kiss. “Sadie Beth Morgan. I like it.”  “But then if you're so smart tell me Why are you still so afraid? (mmmmm)”

When she was ten her parents had told her they were moving to Seattle; her dad was originally from London, and her mom was originally from deep in the heart of Texas, they had met when they were both doing undergrad work in Chicago, moved to Memphis for her mother’s grad work, and then had lived the last five years in Santa Fe.

Her dad had gotten a job as marketing director of a Seattle bank, which was going to be a lot of money, while her mother got a job at Seattle children’s working in the NICU doing swallow therapy. The move was one they promised was going to be permeant, but Sadie was hopeful they’d move back to Santa Fe eventually.  “Where's the fire, what's the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out”

But the longer they stayed in Seattle the more she realized they weren’t moving back home. By the time she was 14 she had come to find Seattle home. Her parents were very career focuses and had set up very high standards for both Sadie and her younger brother Jeremy, 

Jeremey thrived under pressure, he had straight a’ and was dedicated to playing baseball. While Sadie crumbled under any sort of pressure, and made it by with C’s. 

She and her mother clashed over everything, while she and her dad only seemed to bond over music.  “You got so much to do and only So many hours in a day (Ay) But you know that when the truth is told That you can get what you want Or you can just get old”

High school was a disaster she spent most of her time barley getting through school; half of the time she was high during class the other half she was skipping. 

Her afternoons were spent working at the local record store or shop lifting lip gloss and panties from the mall. 

Her parents begged her to find a hobby, and the only club that would take her that didn’t seem lame was photography which started her love for taking photos.  “You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through (Oooh) When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?”

Of all the places post high school she ended up in Athens, Ohio at Ohio University studying photojournalism. Halloween of her freshmen year she was at a frat party when she got a call from her mother who was screaming and crying, she slowly left the party and ended up on a flight back to Seattle. 

Her younger brother’s life at 16 quickly ended due to a drunk driver, When she returned back to college she felt like she could ignore the grief, and in her mind her little brother was still alive.. A grief she never quite coped with.  “Slow down you're doing fine You can't be everything you want to be before your time”

The four years of college flew by, and her only two jobs offers she had gotten   were taking sports photos for a conservative university, or working for Seattle Met taking photos.. She hated sports, and living by her parents again didn’t seem appealing but in the end Seattle won.  “Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight (tonight) Too bad, but it's the life you lead”

”Did you get your apartment?” her co-worker Bea asked her as they walked through the building together coffee in hand. 

”I’ll be able to sign my lease next week, which thank god because I don’t want to wake up every morning to my mother doing her working yoga and talking about egg whites, while my dad is working out on the treadmill telling her the secret to health is red wine,” Sadie explained with a sigh. 

”Ironic you mentioned red wine when I think you got picked to cover a local brewery,” 

”That’s perfect I shotgunned a beer last night,” in her parents basement hiding from them because they wanted to talk about her lack of drive in life. Something she didn’t quite understand? she had a job. How was that not drive? “You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need Though you can see when you're wrong”

”So, how was the interview?” Bea asked as they both sat at their desk. Sadie picking the lettuce out of the wrap she had gotten for lunch. 

”I never quite understood why places insist on putting lettuce in wraps, nobody even likes lettuce,” she rambled on as she looked up at her co-worker. “The interview was good I got a lot of good photos.”  “You know you can't always see when you're right (you're right) You got your passion, you got your pride”

The interview ended up being more good, and the relationship formed between Daniel and Sadie ended up being something that was more than she could imagined. Every single thing seemed easy and fun.  “But don't you know that only fools are satisfied? Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true (Oooh) When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?”

The easy turned to fear when she got a positive pregnancy test, and her whole world was turned upside down. She didn’t quite know how to be a mother, and what if she was bad at it?

“You can no longer your beer tours with Sadie articles anymore,” Bea commented as they both stared at the pregnancy test on Sadie’s desk. Of course this series of articles was a new thing within the last year, so it wasn’t exactly a big deal in the magazine yet. “How are you going to tell Daniel?”

That was the moment her words finally started to sink in. “I don’t know. I’ve never told anyone i’m pregnant before,” nor had she ever been pregnant before. “Do I just tell him?”

“Slow down you crazy child”

All the ideas of how to tell Daniel didn’t quite seem to top the ironic baby onesie she found with a bottle of beer and a baby bottle on it that said “daddy’s drinking buddy” that, that was funny to her. 

Which was how she ended up telling Daniel leaving it for him on his desk while he was working.  “Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while It's alright, you can afford to lose a day or two (oooh)”

When Ivy was born she swore she was going to be the best possible mom to her, but then post-partum depression set in and she wasn’t quite sure what to do with herself. And she felt like she was trapped in a cycle of never quite being enough, and she wasn’t quite herself.  “When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?”

After six months of it she left. She left to try to find herself, got a job working for a travel magazine to that allowed her to take photos of anything she wanted.

But every time she went somewhere all she could think about was Ivy and what she was doing and if she missed her. Which hurt even more when she thought about Daniel and what he might be up to. 

She often wondered if he missed her, or even thought about her.  “And you know that when the truth is told That you can get what you want or you can just get old”

The years flew by and she knew she couldn’t be away from him anymore which led him to stopping by his house knocking on the door in the middle of the night praying that it wasn’t a wife who would answer, and that he was willing to hear her out.  “When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?”

[selfparasbym]

“Listen in it isn't when you're talking for your name's sake Jesus, Mary Magdalene you are, are you okay?”

”Lucy Katherine, I can’t not believe you would embarrass me in such a way,” was the first thing Christopher said when they got home that night. “Not only did you embarrass me but that ex-fiancé of yours made me look like a fool.”

”I don’t know what you’re talking about,” the back of his hand met her cheek perfectly at the end of her sentence. “Christopher,” she said shocked though she didn’t know why she was shocked. 

”Or do you only like when Max smacks you around when you’re in the bedroom?” he questioned as he moved to fix himself a drink.  “Sitting by the well, Jill, your falling down the hill, Jack And everybody laughed Don't you pray? Don't you pray?”

Christopher was typically only emotionally abusive towards her, there were rare times it would cross the line to being physical. in fact she could count the number of times he had been physically abusive on her; two Christmases ago he broke her nose when he refused to let her mope around about how she wasn’t a mom the broke nose he set back in place before going to her dad’s whom they told she fell down the stairs, there were a few times he grabbed her wrist too hard, and he hit her once in the back with a coat hanger when she was crying over something that happened at work as soon as he got home.. but each time he told her it was just because he was frustrated with her, and he loved her. She didn’t love him, she never really did. 

But since the gala the abuse had turned more physical, the emotional abuse hurt in new ways, and a new layer of sexual abuse had started because he didn’t want to look like some fool on their couples trip that didn’t have sex with his wife. 

“To a Cocaine Jesus in a black four-seater Got a man, don't need him, but you wait Call me when you want, or just call me when you need it”

The first week following the gala she had off due to an extended fall break, meant she had no need to go anywhere nor did she need phone. her phone stayed in Christopher’s safe, he only pulled it out every other day for her to call her dad, telling him how he was deep cleaning their house and didn’t have time to talk. her keys stayed in there with them. The next week he would drop her off at work, then pick her back up once he got off work.  “If you only ever need it for the day High won't hold, won't hold, and I have no more Than all you left of me”

Often times there were days Lucy would get off at 4, and she would be stuck at work until he got off at 8. She felt somewhat safe while she was at work, and she felt embarrassed every single she had to tell someone she lost her phone. Around six she would sit on the curb waiting for him to show up until he finally would appear. 

”Where were you?” she asked when she got into the car. 

”Lucy, I have work. I can’t drop everything to pick you up just because your done cutting out crafts,” he shook his head. 

”You could give me my car keys back,” she pointed out as she buckled her seatbelt. 

”Not until after our trip. I don’t want you to defy me while we’re gone,” he shook his head. 

The day of reunion 

“I have, I have, I have no more Than all you leave”

The morning started off like every single morning her alarm when off at 5:45, she moved into the bathroom putting make up on over baggy eyes desperate for a good night of sleep. The small bruises that had been added on her body over the last two weeks were easily covered by a long sleeve and a pair of black slacks. By 6:30 am Christopher was also ready for work, which meant a quick breakfast, and then  he was driving her off to work. When she arrived by 7 am she was so thankful to be away from her husband for a few hours. 

“High as hell, feeling fine, nothing bad but nothing kind Not a word from me, at least nothing you would mind”

The first few hours of the day flew by, which meant by 11 am when she escorted her class to lunch, and she had an hour to herself. she sat quietly at her desk bawling thinking about how horrible the next week was going to be with Christopher in another country trying to prove she was a good wife. all she wanted was Max in this moment, all she wanted was for him to hold her to make her laugh make her feel safe. at the moment she felt anything but safe.  “In my head, in my head I get lonely sometimes Feeling fine, coming down, never back cause we're never out” Once she had her kids back from lunch she was able to focus fully on everything that was happening with them, and the lessons she was teaching. which meant as soon as 3 pm hit, and the dismissal bell rang her stomach refilled with dread knowing she would be soon going home. 

She sat down at her desk scrolling through emails after her classroom was empty, jumping when she heard her classroom door open once more. 

“You'll never call the cops again, I'll never call her mine”

”Did you forget how to use a phone?” Joshua Hadley questioned as he walked into his eldest daughter’s classroom. “Because Maeve lives in Phoenix and she calls me every single day, Beau lives two blocks from me he can call or text, or even visit me,” he pointed out. “This calling me every other day acting shady isn’t going to work for me.”

”I’ve just been busy,” Lucy lied. “And I lost my phone so I don’t know where it is.”

”You have been a bad liar since the moment you were born,” he sat down across from her in an extra chair she had in front of her desk. “Your mother used to tell me we’d never have to worry about you rebelling because you can’t lie,” he chuckled. 

”I’m not lying,” Lucy shook her head. “I’m just busy we’re about to go out of town. I promise i’ll call more.”

”Are you pregnant again?” which honestly was his worst fear for Lucy to have to endure another pregnancy and then have her feelings dismissed by Christopher. 

”No, I can assure you I'm not pregnant,” Lucy said honestly. She had been so thankful every single time Christopher had forced her into sex this week he had used protection. 

Even with the answers Lucy gave him Joshua still didn’t feel quite satisfied with her answers. There was something that didn’t quite set right with the answers, and he knew his daughter well enough to know how she acted when she was too anxious or she was scared, both of which she seemed.  “In my head, in my head, I get lonely sometimes”

By 3:45 her dad had left alone to work again. And by 4 her classroom door opened once more with the principle of the school joining her this time. 

”Mrs. Bien, I know you’re going out of town next week but it’s late, you should go home and get ready for your trip,” he told her. “I’m also about to lock the school up for the weekend,” he chuckled. Lucy sat on the sidewalk starting at 4:15 waiting for Christopher, of course the rain began pouring at 6:30, and he didn’t show up until 7 pm. 

”Lucy, hurry I don’t want to drive in this shit, it’s only going to get worse,’” Christopher told her as she opened the door. she quickly got in not wanting to say how upset she was. “You look soaked, baby. Why didn’t you wait inside?”

”They locked the doors today at 4:15,” she said softly as she moved her hands against the car heater. “And it’s not like I could call you.” 

”Well, we can’t dwell on that now can we?” he questioned as he began driving to their house. The entire way home Lucy was praying that they would warm up.  “When you find an old picture of us And you clear away the dust I hope you miss me sometimes”

As soon as they got home, Lucy fled out of the car. “Baby strip down, I don’t want the house soaked,” he told her as she opened the garage door leading to the laundry room. Lucy stripped down out of her work clothes, and her undergarments wrapping her body in a clean blanket that was folded on the dryer. “Hey, I was thinking i’d order dinner for us tonight.” 

All of Christopher’s words he said as she walked up the stairs began to sound like white noise, she walked into their room entering her closet and closing the door behind her. She sat on the floor looking at herself wrapped in the blanket, so tired of the past few weeks wondering if there was any hope she would ever see Max again. She felt the tears well up in her eyes as she looked at herself in the mirror. 

”I just,” she couldn’t even form the words to herself, she stood up pulling a box she had hidden in the back of her closet out filled with things from her relationship with Max. The first thing she pulled out was the baby blue sweatshirt she had stole from him at the end of their relationship because it reminded her of him, the sweatshirt she slept in every night because it smelt like him until eventually it started smelling more like her.  “When you see a frame that reminds you of me Would you remember the times Oh the times that we believed In a Cocaine Jesus in a black four-seater’

She sat in the closet for as long as she could looking at old photos, letting her hands hold tickets from things they had gone together, and notes they had scribbled on together. every single memory only made her want Max more. 

”Lucy Katherine, dinner is ready,” Christopher knocked on the door pulling her from her thoughts. “I ordered you one of those salads you like. I didn’t want you to get too bloated with carbs before our trip next week.” 

”I’ll be right out.” “Got a man, don't need him, but you wait Call me when you want, or just call me when you need it If you only ever need it for the day”

Lucy folded the sweatshirt on her closet vanity before placing the box back in it’s hiding spot. She pulled on a sweater and a pair of pants before heading down. “I have to do a post-op rounds in the morning,” Christopher explained as they sat at the table. “I’ll probably turn in for the night early.” Which was the best news she could have ever heard. 

“High won't hold, won't hold, and I have no more Than all you left of me I have, I have, I have no more Than all you leave”

Lucy played the good wife as they got ready for bed, she showered made sure he was comfortable for the night. All while post-shower wearing Max’s sweatshirt and a pair of leggings. “I’ve never seen this sweatshirt before,” Christopher told her. 

”I got it an the conference, I just haven’t worn it yet,” that was an answer he could accept. She laid there quietly until she heard him fall fast asleep, and once he had been asleep for awhile she moved out of the bed. She didn’t know where her car keys were, and she didn’t want him to get an update on his phone where his car was parked if she took it. so she did what any rational person would do she put on tennis shoes, and snuck out the backdoor with an old bike in tow. 

She wasn’t quite sure where she was going but she knew she needed to find Max, or she needed to find away to call him.  I'm nothing more than a page unwritten on the pavement, blowing in the wind You win a lot, and lose just a little bit more than you gained in the end But God, I wish that I, was better than I am, but no luck, no love, no Gospel I could understand

[selfparasbym]

Some and now none of you

“I am not the only traveler Who has not repaid his debt”

”I want you to stay as far away from Gia as possible,” Clarissa said one night following the wedding as they laid in their bed. “I don’t want her get the wrong idea about you.”

”Clarissa, Gia and I don’t even talk anymore,” which was mostly his fault as he made her life a living hell. Which resulted in her blocking him, which resulted in them never quite getting closure. He would always be left with everything he felt for Gia, shoved into a small box never to be mentioned or talked about.  “I've been searching for a trail to follow again”

”You’ve finished your little philosophy masters,” James Fletcher commented the day Elliot graduated with his degree. “You made an agreement that after you finished that you would go to law school, and we don’t break out promises, James. You know my father is getting older which means I will soon be taking over all of the investment company, and I want you to take over my practice. 

”I’d be a shit lawyer,” Elliot let out a chuckle. 

”You’ve never backed away from an agreement you’re entire life,” James pointed out as he lit a cigar, hoping his son was about to  make him proud. “Maxwell is taking over his family’s business, and I would hate for the Townsends to have it together more then us.”

”You’re friends with the Townsends,” Elliot dryly reminded his father. 

”There’s no real friends in this life,” outside of his best friend but that didn’t seem worth mentioning. “We have done everything to make sure you have a good life, I have provided you everything you wanted, we let you get your silly little philosophy degrees, we got you a wife, your mother didn’t kill herself. Don’t embarrass me by everyone wishing Maxwell was their son, when it should be you they all want their kids to be like.” “Take me back to the night we met”

Law school ended up being more time consuming they he had hoped, which honestly worked in his favor since he could use it as a reason why he and Clarissa weren’t trying for a baby. Every single night he drowned himself in more to drink, and the more he drank the more he hated himself. 

”Are you coming to bed?” Clarissa asked holding that stupid ass dog she called their son. “I hate laying by myself.” 

”I have a shit ton of homework,” he told her which caused her eyes to roll. He hated the fact that he was stuck in a marriage with someone he couldn’t stand, and on the days when he was drunk enough he would pretend that she was Gia those nights kept him going. “I’ll be to bed later,” the answer was enough to get her to go back to their bedroom, and when she was finally gone he poured himself another glass of scotch.  “And then I can tell myself What the hell I'm supposed to do”

Three years into their marriage, and he was more miserable then ever. His mother was pressuring them for a grandchild, just likes her parents were, and his dad was on his ass constantly about law school. The more stress he felt about it the more he found himself drinking. 

”I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Elliot told Clarissa with a deep sigh. “I don’t want to be married anymore.”

”I’m pregnant,” she quickly lied. The lie was enough to cause Elliot to spiral once more, which meant his nightly scotch was met with three sleeping pills. The three sleeping pills had very little effect on him, and he woke up in the morning just fine. 

”You should get an abortion,” he told her. 

”You’re such a fucking ass, Elliot,” Clarissa found herself resenting him as much as he resented her even though she was in fact the one who lied.  “And then I can tell myself Not to ride along with you”

However, she wasn’t about to tell him that she lied. No in fact she was going to make him pay for his words. The fake pregnancy act lasted for months, and even went as far to Clarissa sporting a fake baby bump. 

”Are you excited at all for our baby?” Clarissa asked him one night as he flipped through legal documents, and he buried himself in enough scotch one man his size could take. 

”No,” he breathed out. “I told you I don’t want to be a dad. I told you to get an abortion. I tried to kill myself the night when you told me because I feel so fucking suffocated in this house, and when we’re not in the house my parents are on my ass.”

”You’re such a selfish prick, Elliot.”

”I don’t see how it’s selfish not wanting to fuck up a child,” Elliot leaned back his chair. “I don’t know what you want from me Clarissa?”

”I just want you to care about me.” “I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you”

Sometimes Elliot wondered if he had ended up with Gia if he would have been happy if she got pregnant, but part of him knew he wasn’t meant to be a father. The more Clarissa talked about her pregnancy the more he found himself hating everything about it. 

”Elliot,” she said one night. 

”Hmm?” he questioned. 

”I’m in labor.”  “Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do”

The labor was the weirdest thing he had ever been apart of, half way through the doctors told him he had to leave the room because something was wrong with his wife and baby. Then when he came back to the room the baby was dead, but he wasn’t allowed to see it, and Clarissa didn’t look that miserable for someone who had almost died. 

”Are you okay?”

“No,” this may have been the biggest lie Clarissa ever pulled off; not only did she convince she had been pregnant for 8 months, but she managed to hire off an entire team of doctors and nurses to pull of a fake delivery then a fake death. 

A death he didn’t even realize was fake until they were sitting in their house after the funeral. “How come I never got to see the baby?”

“Well you didn’t want to be a father,” Clarissa told him as she took off her funeral clothing. “I didn’t think you would.”

“It was still my kid.”

“Elliot there was no baby,’ she finally said. “I was just pissed off at you, and every time I would go to make things right you would some how find a new way to make my life miserable.”

“Well I guess you won this time, Clarissa.” 

“Haunted by the ghost of you Oh, take me back to the night we met”

The longer he and Clarissa were together the more he drank. The more he drank, the more time he spent thinking about Gia. The more time he spent thinking about Gia the happier he felt for a moment in time. He had heard rumors she was married now, but in is mind she was still  somewhere being his.  “When the night was full of terrors And your eyes were filled with tears”

”I just don’t think it’s fair that all of our friends and starting to have kids, and we aren’t,” Clarissa told him one night, as they got closer to the 5th year mark. 

”I don’t know Clarissa. Maybe it’s because you faked an entire pregnancy out of spite, then even worse then that you faked our fake child dying, had a fake funeral, my mother sat shiva for her only grandchild, and my father started going to church again to pray for it’s soul. Maybe some of that could be why we aren’t trying to have a baby.”

”Okay, but that was a few years ago,” she paused. “And in my defense my parents were also very upset by it.”

”I believe your parents are the ones who helped you fake the entire thing because they also enjoy making me miserable,” 

”Well we can’t all be perfect like the Fletcher’s,” Clarissa rolled her eyes. “You’re such a baby about everything.” “When you had not touched me yet Oh, take me back to the night we met”

Sometimes he wondered what life had been like if he had been in an arranged marriage with anyone else. Would he have been as miserable as he was with Clarissa? Would he have been drowning himself in booze, women, and work.. or would he have been happy with someone else?  Though every time he wondered what if he always pictured himself happy when it came to Gia.  “I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do”

”Do you really have to go?” Clarissa questioned with a pout. “You know i’m extremely fertile this weekend, and you’re leaving me for some lawyer thing.”

”You know I don’t want to have kids this weekend or any weekend,” Elliot reminded her. “I have to go my dad booked me tickets,’ and honestly he needed to be away from her. 

”Will you miss me?”

”As much as I miss anyone,” which if he was being honest wasn’t much since he no longer had the same grasp on his emotions, or feelings that he might have had once upon a time. he felt lonely and numb most of the time wishing something good would happen.. but knowing there was no point in hoping for miracles.. Haunted by the ghost of you Take me back to the night we met

[selfparasbym]

flowers for a ghost

“You disappear with all your good intentions And all I am is all I could not mention”

The day Lucy and Max ended things would forever be the worse day of her life, and she was certain she went home and cried so hard she almost stopped breathing. which resulted in her sucking in her breathe and tears so hard she would gasp, and vomit. The way she was handling everything even though she knew it was a great deal her part, and everything that came with her lifestyle came her so much anxiety that there was no way she would have been a good wife for him. But she loved him.  

Those first six months after the break up, she spend all her time doing school, and working for some doctor she found to be overbearing.  “Like who will bring me flowers when it's over And who will give me comfort when it's cold” Once she had graduated school she got a teaching job right away, and the doctor who had once been her boss made it very clear he was interested in her. The whole relationship felt speedy; they started dating on a crisp January evening, he took her to Boston to meet her family in March, in convinced her ever so sweetly to begin converting to reformed Judaism in April, he proposed in August, and they were married in the temple in October. Being married so quickly wasn’t exactly because she was in love, she told herself she could be in love, but he made her feel so afraid to be alone that she needed someone to take care of her. 

“She took a plane to somewhere out in space To start a life and maybe change the world”

Three years after the date she and Max broke up she found herself laying in the bed she shared with her husband, who she had celebrated an anniversary with a few weeks prior. “You’ve been throwing up so much, Luce. You’re going to end up being nothing but tits soon,” Christopher told her as he sat on the edge of their bed putting on his shoes. 

”I’m pregnant,” she breathed out. “I was going to tell you in a really cute way but every time i’d plan something you’d end up working late.”

”You’re having my baby?” he questioned moving closer to her to press a kiss to her head. “My parents are going to be so excited, my child bride is making them grandparents again,” Lucy hated when her in-laws called her that, she was twelve years younger then her husband and they acted like she was a baby.  “See I never meant for you to have to crawl No I never meant to let you go at all”

The entire pregnancy Christopher had been the most dotting husband, always calling her between surgeries, and skipping out on work functions to take care of her. She was 18 weeks at this point, and she was waiting for both the ultrasound tech and her husband to show up. In quiet moments like this she always found herself wondering what Max would do in these situations, and what he would think about it all. But then Christopher would show back up, and she would remind herself that he was her husband and she was meant to love him. 

”How’s my baby?” he questioned his hands moving to her stomach. “I can’t wait to see their little face,” his hands moved out of the way as the ultrasound tech began to move the wand against her stomach. “It looks like a girl so far.”

“I don’t want to know,” Lucy reminded him with a chuckle. 

“Lucy that’s crazy. It will be easier if we know, the surprise is a bit outdated,” he said as he watched the ultrasound. “Our baby Zoey.”

“I just like Zoe. I thought we decided if it was a girl her name would be Zoe Kate.”

“No, we decided we’d call her Zoe, but her legal name would be Zoey,” which couldn’t have been further from the truth, and she knew his mother most likely made it clear how much she adored the name Zoey. 

“Don't ever say goodbye”

Of course her little glimpse of all her dreams coming true seemed to be crashing down around her quickly. “She’s such an active little girl,” Lucy said with a smile as she got comfortable in the passenger seat of their car following a get together her husband’s co-worker had thrown. “I’m so tired though.”

”Good. She’s healthy,” Christopher pointed out as he started towards their house. “I think my mother is going to come stay with us for the first few months to help with the baby.” 

”Oh, I just thought that maybe it would be just us for the first few months, us and Zoe.”

”Lucy neither of us know how to raise a baby. I still have to work even after the baby is born, and my mom can help us,” she was about to beg him to not let his mother come stay with him about the time they were going through an intersection and a drunk driver ran a red light hitting Lucy’s side of the car perfectly.  See my head aches from all this thinkin' “Feels like a ship god, god knows I'm sinkin'”

Lucy felt like it was a sick joke that she lost her baby twenty two weeks into her pregnancy because someone was careless. The first few days home she wasn’t sure she even left bed, until she finally forced herself on day three to get out of bed to get a glass of water. She walked past the nursery that was going to be Zoe’s where she found Christopher, she had thought he was having a moment of grief when she walked in wrapping her arms around his body. 

”I have someone coming for the crib today,” he told her which caused her heart to drop. “My friend from work said she wanted the baby clothes, she found out she was having a girl today. My mom said she’d take the sign with Zoe’s name on it to put in her house on her wall dedicated to her grandchildren.”

”Why are you doing this?” Lucy questioned as he arms dropped. “It’s been three days, and I’m not ready for any of this.”

”Lucy, if I waited until you were emotionally ready for this, or honestly for anything I’d waste so much time,” he bluntly told her. “I’m not going to let you mope around some nursery for my daughter when we both have a lives to live, and you can grieve but i’m not going to let you grieve in unhealthy ways in my house.”

”It’s our house,” she whispered. “And i’m just not ready. I don’t want to get rid of her stuff, and I don’t this to become some boring guest room.” 

”Lucy, I love you but a teacher’s salary can’t afford this house. Five bedrooms and five baths, two living rooms, a nice kitchen for you to make dry snickerdoodles in, and a nice backyard on a teacher’s salary is a trailer house,” Christopher told her which caused her to cry, which caused him to feel bad. “Baby, you know I didn’t mean it. I’m just grieving in my own way, but I can’t let you drowned in this.” “Wonder what you do and where it is you stay”

Six months after they lost Zoe, Lucy found herself sitting on the edge of the bathtub taking a pregnancy test which was positive. She was so scared of what if it hurt too bad to have another baby after everything with Zoe, but before she could even find herself hoping for this baby she had another miscarriage. 

She laid in the cold hospital room, as her husband came down from surgery. “Lucy, we should really look into birth control,” he paused. “You know I’m allergic to latex so condoms aren’t the best option, and the latex free ones are weird,” he sat on the edge of the bed. “I’ll be late tonight, I’m teaching a night class,” he leaned over pressing a kiss to her head as the tears began to form. “I’ll have your dad come pick you up.” 

“These questions like a whirlwind, they carry me away Who will bring me flowers when it's over”

”You know I mind my business,” Joshua Hadley told his daughter as they drove from the hospital to the Bien house. “But Goose your mother had five miscarriages in the eight years between you and Beau, and I never once left her side.”

”Dad, it’s different,” she shook her head. “He has a class he’s teaching, and he can’t just cancel it for this. Then tomorrow he’s flying out to Boston to see his parents, and I just know he would be here if he wasn’t so busy.”

”Lucy Katherine, I want you to have the greatest love story of all time, and I just don’t know if it’s with Christopher,” he told her hoping she would come to her senses. 

”He’s my husband, and I love him.”  “And who will give me comfort when it's cold Who will I belong to when the day just won't give in”

Four years into their marriage, and five years since she had last seen Max, and she found herself at a conference with Christopher. While he spent his hours in workshops, and with friends she lounged around the pool, when she noticed her boobs weren’t quite fitting her bathing suit the same way. She took a pregnancy test, and was over joyed when she got the positive results. 

”Hi,” she told him as he walked into the hotel room. “I’m pregnant again,” she was overjoyed and excepted this grand moment where he would also be elated that they were having a baby.

”Lucy, why do you keep doing this to yourself?” he questioned. “Your doctor has told you numerous times that your body, he said you’d need numerous medical producers to help carry a baby after everything that happened with my Zoe,” he scoffed. “I’m not trying to be mean I just know it’s not healthy for you.”

”But, we’re having a baby again,” she said as she felt the tears start to form in her eyes. 

”The crying act might have worked on Garrett or Max, or any of your other little boyfriends, but it’s getting old,” he leaned against the doorframe. “My mother said that are childish, and that’s the reason you can’t seem to carry a baby. She said that the universe knows you’d be too immature to parent, and that they are saving some poor baby from that.” 

“Why would you tell me that?” Lucy questioned as she sat down on the bed. 

“Because I love you, and I want you to know that not everyone is meant to be a mother.” 

“And who will tell me how it ends and how it all begins”

When they heard the baby’s heartbeat she was certain that this time they were going to get their happy ending. But three days after that appointment, she found herself once again in a cold hospital bed. 

”Where have you been?” She questioned as Christopher walked through the doors. “I’ve been here, and alone, and I’ve scared.”

”Lucy, you are a grown adult I can’t hold your hand every single time you miscarry. I had to work,” he told her, which his tone was quickly changed about the time the doctor walked through the door. 

”Dr. Bien,” The doctor said. “Mrs. Bien I am so sorry to hear about your loss.” 

”Dr. Fletcher, I just worry so much about my wife, and I know this can’t be good for her body,” he said as he moved his fingers through Lucy’s hair. “I just don’t want something to happen to her.”

”Well, there is options, and I would suggest if you really want a baby to start looking into other options, or we can run more test to see what exactly is causing the problem; she’s young, and healthy there’s no reason we can’t fix what’s going on.”

”I just don’t want her to get hurt again,” Christopher told the doctor. “I know after I lost my daughter I was devested for months.”

”Our daughter,” Lucy whispered.  “Don't ever say goodbye I'm only human”

Three months following the last miscarriage, Lucy stood in the kitchen making his lunch. “I made sure to meal prep a few nights of dinners for while I was gone,” she looked at Christopher who was spreading cream cheese on a bagel. 

“Babe, I’m a grown man, I know how to cook,” he let out a chuckle. “But you're sweet,” he had this way of being the most charming man when she was about to leave, or when they were around friends and family, or even strangers. “Have fun, and enjoy yourself.”

“You know today Zoe would have been two if she had been born on her due date,” Lucy told him as she snapped the lid closed on a glass tupperware dish. “I want to start fertility treatments when I get home.”

“Lucy, I just don’t want to do this with you again,” he took a deep breath. “My mother is coming to visit once you get home, then we have a gala soon, and we just don’t have time for a baby right now,” he explained. “And it’s just not going to happen.”

Lucy nodded opting not to fight as she put the tupperware in the fridge. “I love you, and I will see you when I get home.”

“I love you too, Lucy Bien.” 

[selfparasbym]

She laughs like you

Time: Summer of 2019 to spring of 2020

“I came in from the outside, burned out from a joy ride

She likes to roll here in my ashes anyway Played from the bedside is "Stella by Starlight" That was my heart, the drums that start off "Night and Day"

“Less Liaisons Dangerous,” one of Elliot paramours Abigail comments as she looked at the book cover he was currently flipping through. While his other ‘girlfriend’ Jasmine was sound asleep next to him. 

“Les Liaisons Dangereuses,” he corrected in French. 

“I didn’t know you spoke French,” she commented as she moved closer to him. “I just thought you were good at French kissing.”

“My maternal grandparents were both born in France, and got married there,” he flipped a page of his book. “Business was better here, so they moved here, had my mother, and made even more money than they already had.” 

“Talk to me in French,” she whined. 

“Je t'aime mieux avec une bite dans ta bouche,” he stated still not bothering to look up from his book. 

“What did you say?” 

“It’s less romantic if I tell you,” he replied, which was enough to have her believe she was his favorite girlfriend at the moment. Having two girlfriends was more stressful than he had imagined it would be.  “The same kind of music haunts her bedroom I'm almost me again, she's almost you”

The only perk of having two girlfriends was it took his mind of the fact that his heart had been crushed into a million pieces the summer before.. When his girlfriend whom he was very much sure he loved had cheated on him a friend who had been very sure was his best. 

“I don’t really like beer,” Jasmine whined as they sat on his couch drinking beer from some local brewery. A comment his ex had made a million times. 

“Then you don’t have to drink it, but I’m going to,” he sighed as he focused his eyes on the tv program they were watching. “I’ve seen better acting on the Disney Channel.”

“Well that’s ironic because she used to be on Nick, so nice try, hot shot,” Jasmine kept him in line in ways that Abigail didn’t seem to want to. Maybe she was his favorite girlfriend. 

“He’d enjoy the show more if he was also getting laid,” Abby commented as she ran a hand through his hair. 

“I enjoy most things more if I were also getting laid.”  I wouldn't know where to start Sweet music playing in the dark Be still, my foolish heart Don't ruin this on me I wouldn't know where to start Sweet music playing in the dark Be still, my foolish heart Don't ruin this on me

He found this arrangement to be temporary like most things in life. All things were fleeting like the vapor of life. But this arrangement if he could get it to last he would get his dad off his back about getting married and securing his legacy.. Instead he would be the fucked up son of a billionaire and a soap opera star. .  His mother who happened to be very dramatic. 

“Get up,” she commanded her son as she opened the blinds of his son’s bedroom. 

“Mom, what the fuck? This is my apartment,” he sighed as he looked over at both of his girlfriends who were sound asleep even with his mother’s loud voice. 

“The apartment your father and I pay for in order for you to do what?” she questioned not looking for an answer. “To have meaningless sex. I pray to HaShem that you use a condom.”

“Ironic since you’re the least religious person I know,” the glare he got caused him to add onto that. “Forgive me. Unless you’re being spiteful to father because if there’s something you hate more than father it’s Catholic. Did you starting hating Catholics before or after you married father?”

“Your father and I decided to raise you in both of our faiths,” his eyes rolled. “But since I am Jewish you are by default Jewish.”

“I am an Atheist, mother.” 

“Are you trying to break your mother’s heart,” she questioned before gesturing to his sleeping girlfriends. “You’re not Jacob get your head out of your ass, and look into monogamy.” 

“Did you tell father that after his first or his more recent affair?”  “Tell me who, and I'll be thanking them The numbered lovers of Duke Ellington Do I owe each kiss to lip and cheek as soft as Chet can sing”

“Your mother told me about your recent situation,” his father commented as he swung at a golf ball. Golfing with his father was a rare thing and every single time he wanted to die. 

“I wasn’t aware that you both knew how to communicate without you calling her a ‘malicious and shrewd bitch’ and her trying to throw a vase at your head.”

“A few bad fights doesn’t mean we have a bad marriage,” a lie his father enjoyed telling himself after ever single fight. “Marriage is about passion, and your mother and I don’t lack passion.”

“Yes, which explains the fact you only had sex once,” he gestured to himself as proof of the one time. 

“I hope you don’t actually believe that, James,” a name his parents used when they were disappointed in him. “Your mother told me about your threesome. You’d be wise not to do that again.”

“It wasn’t a threesome,” he quickly stated. “They are my girlfriends, and we are very much in bliss.” 

“Violet at least had a good social status when you were dating her,” he swung at yet another golf ball. “We don’t know these girls.”

“Violet also cheated on me with my best friend,” he slipped his hands into the pockets of his golf shorts. “Abby’s dad is a lawyer, and Jasmine’s dad is a doctor. What more could you want?”

“Just don’t do something stupid like getting either of them pregnant.” 

“What grandfather should have told you before you knocked up mom,” he dryly replied. 

“Your mother and I were married when we had you,” his father reminded him. “You should be glad we had you. You have a good life.”

“I didn’t ask to be born. I had no choice in the matter,” he shrugged. There was philosophical things he wrestled with when it came to the life he was born into, and why it has to be him out of everyone.  Let's get lost and let the good times roll Let smoke rings from this paper doll Blow sweet and thick 'til every thought of it don't mean a thing” 

“Why can’t we already go home?” Abby whined as they all sat on the couch at some party while Elliot smoked a joint. 

“Because I’m enjoying myself,” Elliot replied. “If we go home we’ll be doing the same thing we’re doing here.”

“He’s too busy trying to figure out the best way to approach the girl with the fake tits at the bar,” Jasmine told the other female. If there was one thing their mutual boyfriend enjoyed doing it was flirting with other girls. 

“I’m not going to approach her,” he leaned over pressing a kiss to Jasmine’s lips, before looking the other way and kissing Abby. 

“You’re such a dick, Fletcher,” Jasmine told him as she got up from the couch with left him with Abby who was busy trying to get his whole attention anyways. 

“She’ll be back later,” Abby didn’t want him to worry about her. “Let’s just go home.”

“I’m not going home yet.” 

I got some colour back, she thinks so, too I laugh like me again, she laughs like you

“Elliot,” a voice called out as he walked through the party to get another drink. fuck. “You look so great, babe.”

“Violet,” he mumbled as he grabbed a drink from the hands of someone who was passing by to bring a drink to a girl. “You look great when you’re not on top of my best friend,” he paused. “Sorry ex-best friend.”

“Oh, come on,” her eyes rolled. “That was two years ago, and you flirted with other girls while we were together.”

“It was a year ago,” he corrected. “And I did not flirt with other girls I was being friendly.” 

“That’s exactly what people say when they are flirting with other people, Elliot.” her laugh that ended the sentence made his heart race. “Kyle and I we’re engaged.” 

“Shocker,” he commented as he moved to turn away. 

“But we miss you, and want to be friends again,” which was almost worst then them having a secret affair. the drink in his hand he downed until he found both of his girlfriends again. 

I wouldn't know where to start Sweet music playing in the dark Be still, my foolish heart Don't ruin this on me

“I can’t do this anymore,” Jasmine told him one afternoon as they sat on his bed while Abby was out. “I can’t do this whole sharing you. It’s either me or her. I can’t listen to her for the rest of my life.”

“I’m not into monogamy,” Elliot commented. 

“Then i’m not into you anymore,” Jasmine stood from his bed as she began packing up her things. “You don’t even like Abby,” she finally commented as she walked out of his apartment.  I wouldn't know where to start Sweet music playing in the dark Be still, my foolish heart Don't ruin this on me

When Abby got home and realized she was now his sole girlfriend she was ceritan that meant that she now would get all of his attention. “You don’t need her,” she told him. “She was kind of rude to you.”

“And you’re kind of getting under my skin,” he commented. “I don’t think I need you either.”

“James, come on,” she pouted her lip out.

“My grandmother is the only one who calls me James,” mostly because she claimed Elliot was a childish name. “I hate being called James. I don’t really want to date you either.” Maybe dating wasn’t what he was meant to do. 

Maybe he was meant to continue playing the field. Would there be anyone who would heal the hurt he had felt a year ago?  “The very thought of you and am I blue? A love supreme seems far removed I get along without you very well some other nights”

Violet he was sure his dad would approve if they had gotten married. She was smart, funny, and she knew how to play the social game. Her mother found her to be the right amount of snarky, and his father thought she carried herself with grace.. 

But most of all he loved her. 

He loved what she made herself out the be. 

Maybe that’s all anyone did was make themselves into facades to seem better than they actually were.  Oh, the radio news reader chimes Reporting Russian lullabies She'll turn to me awake and ask, "Is everything alright?" And, Lord

He laid in bed next to a meaningless hook up her hands moving through his hair as the radio played out Circles by Post Malone. 

“What are you thinking about?” she questioned. 

“I’m thinking about if aesthetic value is objective or subjective,” which was something he had wrote a paper about last semester. “For example what do you think this song is?”

“I think you’re better looking when you don’t talk,” his hook up told him plainly as she sat up in his bed. “Call me next time you need to work out your tongue.” 

“I wouldn't know where to start Sweet music playing in the dark Be still, my foolish heart Don't ruin this on me”

“You’re a manwhore,” one of his hook ups told him firmly as she slapped him across the face. “I can’t believe you’re texting other women while i’m here, and I can’t believe they’re sending you nudes.” 

“We literally met on tinder this was supposed to be a hook up,” he stated as his hand moved against his face rubbing where she had slapped him. “I’m going to text other people.” the knock on his apartment door led to her opening his front door like she owned the place. 

“Of course it’s another female. You are unbelievable,” the other female standing on the other side of his doorway was his ex-girlfriend Jasmine who looked less than thrilled. “He’s a manwhore for the record, and he’ll cheat on you.”

“Did you get this monologue from a cereal box?” Jasmine questioned the female before looking at Elliot. “I’m pregnant and there’s a 90% chance it’s yours.”  “I wouldn't know where to start Sweet music playing in the dark Be still, my foolish heart”

The causality of her being pregnant, and the fact he could be his made him want to vomit. Of course if it was his he wasn’t going to be a shitty dad. 

Which mean he went to every single appointment, and saw the baby on every single ultrasound. The secret of keeping this from his parents had amazed even him since they seemed to know everything. 

“We should get married, if it ends up being mine,” her desire to not dna test until the baby was born was more stressful than anything to him. “And even if it’s not. I’ve been here more than Trent.” 

“I told you it’s been you, Trent, and one other guy,” she shrugged her shoulders. “While yes you have been here more than the other two I don’t want to marry you, Elliot.”

“I can be a good husband, Jasmine.”

“You were barley a good boyfriend,” she pointed out. “Don’t force things that weren’t meant to be.”  “Don't ruin this on me I wouldn't know where to start Sweet music playing in the dark (I wouldn't know where)”

When he met the baby for the first time hours after it was born.. Since she wanted only her mother in the delivery room. He made himself believe this could be his kid. He made himself believe he could be a good dad. “She’s beautiful.”

“Aspen,” she told him hoping the name wouldn’t be something he turned his nose up to. 

“I like the name Aspen,” he knew there had to be some philosophical reason for him to love the child since he believed it to be his. “I kind of think she has my nose.”

“Well we will know in one to two business days if it is your nose,” Jasmine replied as she watched him hold the baby as if it were a sack of potatoes. “Clear you are an only child. You’re holding her like you might drop her.” 

“I’ve never held one before.”

“You have a lot to learn, Elliot.”  Be still, my foolish heart “Don't ruin this on me I wouldn't know where to start”

He moved into the hospital room knowing the results would come in today, and he was still rooting that James would end up being Aspen’s middle name. Of course when he walked in he saw his Aspen in the arms of Trent. 

“Oh,” he looked at them both, and saw a stupid grin on Trent’s face. Trent who hadn’t been to every single appointment. 

“I’m a dad dude,” Trent told him as he held Aspen not looking like he was holding a sack of potatoes but like he knew how to hold a baby. 

“You’re a good friend Elliot, and thank you for everything,” Jasmine told him as a sign that their chapter was over, and that Trent was in fact the baby’s father. He wasn’t sure if he felt disappointment or relief that he wasn’t a father. 

He walked out of the room closing the door just the time the baby started screaming her head once more. “I hate kids,” he mumbled to himself. Maybe it was a good thing kids weren’t in his future.  Sweet music playing in the dark (I wouldn't know where) Be still, my foolish heart Don't ruin this on me

[selfparasbym]

Drank with the devil

Timeline-Summer of 2011 to summer of 2021

“I danced in the desert, in the pouring rain Drank with the devil and forgot my name”

Summer 2011

”Josette,” Oliver St. Clair stated behind his desk as flipped through the newspaper while his daughter set on the other side of the desk. “You’ve been back in town for less than forty eight hours and you’re already grazing the social section of the paper for a wild night out drinking with your friends.”

”It’s amazing all they mentioned was how short my dress was, and the fact I drank vodka straight, and not a thing about the university degree i earned or the fact I just secured a very good nursing job in London.. I told the photographer who took the photos all about it.”

”Your sense of humor has always been remarkable,” he commented without a sign of amusement on his face. “As you know our family have a very respectable reputation on both sides, and because of that you need to hold yourself to higher standards.”

”Father, do tell was it before or after the affair that launched your relationship with mother that you began holding yourself to higher standards?” 

”When the glamour and the drinking becomes hallow you’re more than welcome to come home. Your mother and I will help you get established here.” 

”Living here would make me feel more hallow than anything else in this world,” having only spent holidays with her parents since the time she was a child, and barley knowing her siblings outside of casual conversations. London had been the first place she had felt home, and it was safe that was why she had made it her home.  “Woke with somebody when the morning came No one there to shame me for my youth 'Cause I wouldn't be with you”

August 2012

“I know he’s your brother-” Josie’s best friend and roommate Macey began as she looked at the wedding invitation on their fridge. “But he is mad fit, and I would love to date him if his marriage doesn’t work out.”

“I promise you the one time you met Nicholas he was putting on his best proper gentlemen act,” Josie chuckled as she sat on the kitchen island painting her toe nails. “He’s just like my dad. and his soon to be bride’s dad used to try to get me to hook up with him when I was like seventeen.”

“I hope you said no.”

“Of course I said no. He was old enough to be my father, and he used to sniff my hair every single time I would talk to him. My parents of course laughed it off because he has money, and social status.”

“I’m just saying if I married your brother I could be your kid’s fun aunt Macey.’

“You can be my kids fun aunt Macey regardless. Unless I don’t have kids,” she pointed out as she put the last coat of her Zoya Nail Polish (shade number ZP228) on her toes. 

“Then you better get a fucking dog. I was meant to be a fun aunt.” 

“And then I found me a lover who could play the bass”

October 2012.

“While in Liverpool we have to go see a Beatles tribute show,” Macey reminded her as she zipped up her thigh high go-go boots. “If the Ringo is cute I might even throw my panties.”

“If your panties I’ll probably never speak to you again,” Josie teased as she applied a shade of blue eyeshadow. “I suppose we’re twenty two it’s only fair if you throw your panties once.” 

“Says the girl who threw her panties once because she thought she saw Prince Harry.” 

The show ended up being more fun than she had expected. Macey did score her hot after show with the Ringo wannabe who ended up being named Evan. While Josie found herself head over heels after a night smoking with Jesse who had made his career out of pretending to be Paul McCartney. 

He's kinda quiet, but his body ain't Spend the days dreaming and the nights awake Doin' things we know we shouldn't do 'Cause I wouldn't be with you”

December 2012

While Evan and Macey had developed a strange and quickly domestic relationship in the two short months. Josie found Jesse to be the quietest person in the world, who’s tongue kept her coming back. 

“If I marry Evan you’ll be the maid of honor,” Macey told her one day as they sat on barstools while their men played a game of pool. 

“I promise you I will not be marrying Jesse,” she stated firmly as she swirled her drink in her glass. 

“That is because you’re anti-marriage.”

“I’m not anti-marriage I’ve just been anti-marriage when it comes to everyone I’ve dated so far.” 

“Says he can't believe he found me Wraps his arms around me I can't let him in”

February 2013

“Evan is thinking about moving to London,” Jesse commented as he lit a cigarette while they basked in their post-sex bliss. “The two and a half hour journey every week when we’re off is beginning to get to him. Asked me if I wanted to be his roommate.” 

“Okay,” she took the cigarette from his hand putting it out in the ashtray on the side of the bed he had dedicated as his. “You’re not thinking about doing something stupid like giving up your career to move here?”

“I don’t see why not. I love you.” The very comment made her scoff. How could he love her when they had been dating for less than six months. 

“You love it when your dick is inside of me. You don’t love me,” Josie shook her head. “Also stop smoking in my bedroom. It’s horrid for your lungs.”

“I’m English we smoke, and we love deep.” 

“You don’t love me. Please stop saying that,” the argument about his love for her continued long into the night until she finally told him to pack up his things and leave. 

“You call me up and ask me how I've been I'll call your bluff and Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies”

October 2013

”I think he’s going to propose,” Macey announced proudly as she fiddled with the cigarette pack in her hands. “We have been dating for a year. The only person I’ve kissed more in my life than him is you.”

”I do happen to be a very good kisser,” Josie replied as she scrolled through an email from her father about the recent family highlights, all of which seemed to be more fake than anything. “Don’t even get me started on how amazing my mouth is at oral.” 

”Josette, focus you horny girl,” Macey sighed. “He’s already given up so much for me. He took a job teaching drum lessons, which I know isn’t what he wants to be doing. but he says he’s happy.”

”What’s important is how you feel,” she saw no reason for a man to dictate someone’s happiness. “The rest is just minor details.”  “No, I can't let him in You play me rough, but I won't let you in So, call my bluff, I'll Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies”

December 2013. 

“Josie, when are you going to move back home?” her mother questioned as they sat down at their very nice Christmas dinner at their ski cabin. 

“I don’t need to move home because London is my home,” the comment alone caused both of her parents to roll their eyes. 

“Just don’t end up getting pregnant, and stuck married to some English fool your entire life,” her mother warned. 

“Are you speaking from your own experience mother? We both know father is foolish, and English.” 

“Oh, count down to the day they may come true”

June 2014

“What are you going to do without me, Josie St. Clair?” Macey questioned as she fiddled with the veil on top of her hair. 

“You’re getting married not dying, you drama queen,” Josie zipped up her best friend’s wedding dress. “It’s not like I won’t see you every single day.”

“If you ever move away from me I’ll murder you with my bare hands.”

“I’m not going to leave London,” she scoffed as if that was ridiculous. “Though if some handsome American were to offer.”

“Don’t lie,” Macey rolled her eyes. “You can’t stand most Americans. You find them to be rude and tactless.” 

“My point is i’m not going anywhere, Mace.” 

“And I fell for a vagabond, a month at tops Lied and said his bike was in the "motor shop”

June 2015

The issue with being young is freedom to have meaningless affairs, and one of those happened to be with some up and coming actor who was far more carefree than she had ever planned on being. 

The one time Macey met him she had serious doubts about the fact he had a bike but it was in the shop, and Evan found him to be funny. While Josie mainly was focused on having a little bit of fun when she wasn’t working, and not having to worry about the stress that came with long-term relationships.  “Drove my car once and made the tire pop Still we had some fun, till I came to 'Cause I wouldn't be with you”

The relationship with the actor seemed to fade as fast as the tire in her car when he hit it against a curb. All the fun that he had brought her quickly seemed to exit her mind. She wanted fun but she also needed emotional maturity. 

“On the Fourth of July, I met a man, Pierre Lied about his age, but I didn't care”

July 2016

The emotional maturity she was seeking led to a year of being single, and Friday nights spend playing cards games in the home of her best friend. The eventual need for something different led to a trip to Paris, where she came in contact with a very charming French businessman. 

”Today is a very big day in America,” he commented as he flicked a cigarette ash into the ash tray on their dinner table. “I hate doing business with the Americans, but I recently read a decent mystery book from over there.”

”How old are you?” she questioned. “Not because I’m judging your emotional maturity but because I want to take this date to my room, and I want to make sure you’re not my father’s age.” 

“45,” the very age seemed off, and when she would find out he was 10 years older than he claimed she would be amazed by the power of Botox.   “Spoke in broken English but the heart was there In those eyes of sky and ocean blue 'Cause I wouldn't be with you”

February 2017

Long distant relationships always seemed to work better with their was emotional maturity between both partners. Her older lover with his three kids all around her age managed to make her feel a level of security she never thought she would feel. Evan who had long given up his drum lessons, and had begun taking the classes to be a therapist told her it had everything to do with daddy issues. 

“He’s handsome,” Macey told Josie as she moved her hand against her feet as they sat on the couch in her home. “I just always thought you’d end up with someone taller.” 

“He’s 5′10 he’s hardly short,” Josie chuckled as Evan looked up from his textbook about to make a comment before being shot a look from his wife. “I just think he’s handsome, and well put together.

“He also lied to you, when you first started dating,” Macey pointed out. “I just don’t think we can vibe with liars, or cheaters.. Or men who look at those naked instagrams then claim it’s not cheating because they aren’t real. Those are all things Brie’s boyfriend does.” 

“No offence to your sister but her taste in men has never been amazing,” Josie shot back. “I think men who get nudes sent to them are way worse than men who look at naked instagrams. I mean fuck I on occasion look at porn because I enjoy seeing a set of boobs too.” 

“I’m just saying be careful, Jo.” 

“Says he can't believe he found me Wraps his arms around me

I can't let him in”

July 2017

The Paris trip that she was convinced would be filled with eating more food than she could stomach, and drinking expensive wine in her boyfriend’s bathtub turned into a disaster. 

“Do you like my children?” he questioned as he wrapped an arm around her leading her to his room, his other hand of course holding a cigarette. 

“They seem nice,” and extremely convinced she was a gold digger, something she wasn’t going fight with them over because she had no plans to marry their father unless their relationship continued to progress the way it had. “I also like the fact you’re already done having children.” 

“You don’t want to have my babies, Josette?” he questioned, pressing a kiss to her cheek. 

“I’ve delivered enough babies to not want to put my vagina through that,” she teased. “I don’t know maybe one day I might want one, but I’m in no rush.”

“I am in a rush for something else,” he stated as he stopped pulling a ring box from his pocket. “Do you want me to get down on one knee, or do you want to simply see the ring and say ‘yes’?” 

“No.”

“No to getting down on one knee?’

“No to getting married. I really like you but I don’t really want to marry you.” 

“You call me up and ask me how I've been I'll call your bluff and Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies”

July 2018

The relationship fizzled out the same time she rejected his proposal.. And when her parents got wind of it they were furious she had said no to someone so well-off and with such social status. 

Josie on the other had was so invested back into work, and enjoying a few friends with benefits situations that it hadn’t even phased her. 

”Josie,” Macey called out as she found her on the dance floor of some party. “I want to have a baby,” she told her clearly drunk. 

”I can’t get you pregnant, Macey,” she joked hoping this was a conversation for when they were both sober. 

”No, Evan and I are trying for a baby,” she stated proudly. “I think if you end up not getting married anytime soon you should use a sperm donor. So our kids can be best friends.”

”He would have to be 6′5 with grin eyes for me to pick some randos sperm to put inside of me,” she chuckled. “I want athletics kids. I played lacrosse you know.” 

”Evan has hazel eyes so I think your sperm donor should have hazel eyes so we have something in common.”

“Let save this conversation when you’re sober.” 

“Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies

No, I can't let them in You play me rough, but I won't let you in”

July 2019

The struggles of watching your best friend have negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test was heartbreaking. 

″You need to start looking for your 6′5, hazel eyes sperm donor,” Macey told her one day as they laid in bed flipping through the latest fashion magazines. 

“As I’ve told you he’s got to have green eyes for me to pick his sperm,” Josie replied. “Because having my sperm donor and Evan having something in common is weird.” 

“I’m telling you I’m pregnant, you bitch,” Those were the moments in life that made her happy she had stayed in London. 

“So, call my bluff, I'll Keep on telling, telling, telling you lies” July 2020

“Evan Jo has your go get them attitude,” Macey told Josie as they watched the infant roll around the floor. “Evan wanted to also name him after Jesse since he was there when we met but I also found Jesse to be rude, and we haven’t talked to him since Christmas of 2015 when he burnt a hole in our couch with a cigarette.”

“Jesse also burnt a hole in my drapes once when I asked him to stop smoking after we had sex.”

“Like your downstairs drapes?”

“No, my window drapes,” Josie chuckled. “I would have told you if he had burnt my vagina with a cigarette.” 

“Even more reason Evan wasn’t named after Jesse. So, when you have your sperm donor baby-”

“I’ll consider it at 35, but for now I just want to travel,” which she had done more and more in the last few years. “Plus as much as you guys have sex I’m sure you’ll be having another baby by the time I’m ready.” 

“We want two then we are done,” Macey stated firmly. “My vagina can’t handle anymore than that.” 

“So wait until I’m 35.”

“Have a baby before that.”

“Hmm,” she hummed believing that wouldn’t be in her cards for a very long time. 

“Oh, count down to the day they may come true” Summer 2021

“Baby Addison loves her auntie Josie,” Macey commented handing over her newborn to her best friend while her toddler ran around the living room. 

“She’s truly beautiful like her mother,” she looked over at Evan. “Sorry Evan it’s a good thing your kids favor Macey.” 

“Oh be nice,” Macey shook her head. “I keep telling her to find a hazel sperm donor. He doesn’t have to be tall, Evan is 6′0, and he’s just fine.”

“I want my kids to crush your kids in every single sport, so their sperm donor has to be taller than Evan which again no babies,” she chuckled. “I’m here for a reason. I took three weeks off of work.”

“To spend time with us?”

“I love you but I’m here every single week several times, so no,” she added with a chuckle. “I’m traveling to Greece. I have a few friends there from boarding school, and Chels who we went to university with her husband has a house there and they will be visiting sometime.”

“She’s going to come back engaged to a Greek business man, and own a boat,” Evan joked as he picked up toddler Evan from the floor. 

“No,” Josie said firmly. “No romance. Just time with friends, and drinking a lot of wine. Maybe a nude beach.” 

“If my breast weren’t constantly leaking I’d love a nude beach,” Macey whined. “You promise you’ll come home?”

“I always come home to you, and to your babies.. Including Evan.”   I'll come around

[selfparasbym]

You see I used to live alone

Dates: January-December 2002

“Now I've heard there was a secret chord That David played, and it pleased the Lord But you dont really care for music, do you?”

”God is like a ballet dancer if you think about it,” A wide eyed young youth leader told his group of Catholic teens on Wednesday evening in January of 2002. “Graceful, and a master of the art. Everything a ballet dancer does has to be just right or everything falls apart.. God has set everything to be just right in the universe and without God things would fall apart.”

”Yet the Catholic church teaches that God is infallible, so wouldn’t comparing God to something that is capable of falling and failing be a bad analogy?” A 18 year old Scott Raines questions from his seat. “Don’t get me wrong I have read about the Imago Dei, and I’m aware that humankinds are made in the image of God but if God is all things good wouldn’t comparing God to something that is capable of being bad be a fallacy?” 

The young youth leader quickly ended his lesson ignoring the questions, before making a quick b-line to his office to call the priest to make sure Mr and Mrs Raines were well aware that their son was questioned everything they believed in, and that other parents would no doubt start complaining.  It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth The minor falls, the major lifts The baffled king composing Hallelujah

“We heard about your little stunt, wise guy,” his mother said looking at him while the family passed around their dinner. “We get it questioning is part of faith. We really do Scotty, your sisters both questioned but they waited till their first college philosophy classes to do it. Then of course they didn’t air those questions in the Church; the church which your grandfather Scott served as director of facilities until he passed on the role to a younger man, and of course my father was always a humble man who has always known when it was time to step away.”

“You’re rambling, dear,” Timothy Raines told his wife as he passed around a bread basket to his sons. 

“Forgive me, but I’m going somewhere. Then your dear other grandfather may God rest his soul. Grandfather Cormac your other name sake he was the director of Parish ministries until his death, and you both know how much work your father and I have put into the church. All this to say is you can have your doubts but you save them until you make meet in private with father O’Brien,” Scott couldn’t even get a word in before his mother was once again talking. “You need to be a good example to your younger brothers. And the best way to start that is by cutting your hair.” 

“Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof”

”Do you know about Kurt Godel?” Father O’Brien asked from behind his desk. “He used mathematics in his ontological proof for the existence of God. I know you’re quite a big fan of math, and I have no doubt it would benefit your faith to read it.”

”Grandfather Cormac had me read it before he passed away, and while Godel was strong in his beliefs, he created several false fallacies,” Scott adjusted his glasses. “Point fourteen of  Religions are, for the most part, bad—but religion is not being the main one that creates quite an interesting dichotomy. It would be like me saying oranges are all bad except for the one you are currently eating. I just said all oranges are bad without first making it possible for one not to be bad, it’s a bad analogy.”

”So the issue isn’t so much with doubt as it is with bad analogies?” Father O’Brien questioned. 

”I’ve never said I doubted anything that was something that was put into my mouth,” the truth he had more doubts than he could count and found the idea of God to not make sense. “I have an issue with bad analogies that don’t make any logical sense.”  “You saw her bathing on the roof Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew her”

If there was one thing that could take Scott’s mind off the issues of bad analogies, tennis, and math it was a beautiful girl. The beautiful girl in his line of affection happened to be Bethany Kent, her father and Scott’s mother served together on the school board for the Catholic school attached to their church.. The only difference was Bethany went to Catholic school from the time she was in pre-k while Scott had always gone to public school.. The other difference was Bethany was a year younger than Scott and fully sold on the Catholic church. 

Which meant every single conversation went back to either the Catholic church, Jesus, Pope John Paull II, how beautiful creation was, and her future plans to be the perfect Catholic mother and wife. “She tied you to a kitchen chair She broke your throne, and she cut your hair And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah”

“I like to try to guess people’s conformation saints,” Bethany told him one Sunday while they were having a lunch date after church. “At first I figured yours might be Samson of Dol because of the hair and I know sometimes people get him and Samson from the Bible confused so I figured you might have been confused between the two and picked him as your conformation saint.”

“I’ve been Catholic my whole life I know Samson from the Bible isn’t a patron saint,” he commented as he moved his spoon through his soup.

“Scotty, I know that,” she commented before going back on her rambling. “Then I thought maybe it must be Saint Sebastian since you love tennis, and he’s the patron saint of sports. Am I right?”

“No. It’s Hubertus,” something most people seemed to remember since his conformation, and how odd the selection was since most of his friends were picking St. Francis. “My love of mathematics outweighed my love of tennis at fourteen.”

“Guess mine,” she quickly said. 

“Saint Rosalia,” the shook on her face that he guessed caused him to let out a sigh. “I remember your dad coming by following your conformation telling my mother how you had made your choice because your great-great grandparents are from Palermo, Italy and Saint Roselia is a big deal there, and you had almost picked Saint Lucy due to the miracles she also had performed for the city but that felt too cliche, and your brother had already picked the holy protector of Palermo.. Saint Benedict the Moor if I remember right which meant Saint Roselia was the natural pick for you.”

“Oh, Scotty,” she said in awe as if he had just said the most romantic thing in the world, but honestly the only reason he remembered was because he and his younger brother Josiah used to repeat and mock Mr. Kent’s humble brag about how pious his children were behind closed doors. 

Hallelujah, Hallelujah Hallelujah, Hallelujah

The relationship between the two continued along it’s normal pattern, and in the summer following his high school graduation the desire to be away at college seemed to grow more and more with each passing second. 

“Have you ever thought about being a priest?” Bethany questioned as she sat on the edge of the tennis court flipping through a magazine while Scott hit the balls from the tennis ball launcher. 

“No,” he answered honestly. “The life of celibacy, and listening to people during confession has never appealed to me. I honestly don’t even enjoy going to confession.”

“I’ve always wanted to be a nun, but I do fear I’d end up like Maria from the sound of music and walk away in hopes of a life with a family,” she mused. “I don’t understand why being celibate would be such a big obstacle for you since we both are waiting til marriage.”

That comment alone made Scott scoff. “We aren’t having sex because you are waiting until you’re married and I respect that. I am not a virgin, Bethany.”

“Yes but I know you’re heart, and that you regret your sins, and all have been forgiven. Men can be born again virgins too, Scotty,” there was no sense in arguing with her about the fact he did not regret having sex, nor did he view himself as a born again virgin. 

“Well, maybe there's a God above As for me all I've ever learned from love Is how to shoot somebody who outdrew you”

When he was twelve years old he first aired his doubt about God, and told his mother he thought God was simply a Santa Claus for adults to which his parents were both furious about. It kept him from airing his true doubts outside of his critics of bad analogies, but there was something so freeing about being in college.. And not having to be in church every single Sunday morning.

Of course that didn’t let him escape the Sunday phone calls from Bethany explaining to homily to him.. every single Sunday night. 

His own mother simply just ended phone calls reminding him to say a hail mary if he was going to go drinking, but Bethany had to take everything to the extreme.  But it's not a crime that you're hear tonight It's not some pilgrim who claims to have seen the Light No, it's a cold and it's a very broken Hallelujah

“I would enjoy being with you next year in New York City,” Bethany told him one night on the phone which made his stomach turn. “I think it would be good for us to be close together. I don’t want to go to NYU I’d rather attend a private Catholic University.”

“Bethany, private universities are extremely expensive,” something he told his older sister as well before she transferred her sophomore year to a state school. 

“I know, and you’re sweet wanting to make sure our future is secure financially,” he bit down on his lip trying to keep from sighing. “I keep telling my father that he’ll never have to worry about me when it comes to being around you because you’re such a good man.”

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

“Well baby I've been here before I know this room and I've walked this floor You see I used to live alone before I knew ya And I've seen your flag on the marble arch But listen love, love is not some kind of victory march, no It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah”

“I don’t know if you know this or not but the stained glass in our church-” she was about to tell some random church fact to him when he left out a deep sigh. “Scotty, what’s troubling you, my love?”

Thanksgiving break was meant to be relaxing not spent walking around town with his overly pious girlfriend while their father’s attended a knights of Columbus meeting. “My family has attended our church just as long as yours have, if not longer. Both of my parents serve in leadership at the church, I’m just saying I know most of your fun facts already.”

“I just want us to both be educated on the place our children will grow up, and I’ve been thinking more about our future, and I really think I just want to be a stay at home mom and your wife.”

“Bethany,” he ran his hands over his face. “I have never once said I wanted to be your husband, and I can’t keep going along with your delusions. I don’t want to marry you, I don’t want kids, and I don’t even want to date you anymore.”

“I was right when I said you were like Samson,” she began. “He also betrayed his first wife, and his first love for some  ungodly harlot,” the look of confusion began to form on his face. “One day you’re going to be married to someone who rivals Delilah, and you will wish you had stayed with me someone who would have made you stronger instead of cutting off your source of power.”

“Bethany, Samson’s first wife betrayed him and ended up married to someone else,” he paused. “Stop comparing me to some fictional character,” the gasp from her lips as she walked away caused him to roll his eyes. 

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

“There was a time you let me know What's really going on below But now you never show it to me, do you? And I remember when I moved in you And the holy dove she was moving too And every single breath we drew was Hallelujah”

As the year went on, and Christmas eve mass was just hours away Scott sat in the pew of the church he had grown up in. 

“Odd to find you here, Mr. Raines,” Father O’Brien commented as he sat down beside him. Scott’s eyes firmly staring at the advent wreath. “Your grandfather Scott has been very active in sending out devotions since he discovered how to use email.”

“I don’t believe in God,” he said as simply as if he had just announced the state of the weather outside. 

“We all go through seasons of doubt, Scott.” 

“It’s not a season of doubt, I have had that belief for awhile,” he sighed as he rubbed his eyes. 

“How easy it is not to believe. Catholics are the ones claiming that God exists and that Jesus is God, so the burden of proof is on us. You are making no claims, so you don't need to prove anything. You aren't claiming that God does not exist; you are rejecting our claim that he does unless until can prove otherwise,” Father O’Brien commented. 

“And there is no way to prove otherwise.”

“Scott you’d be surprised in the places you can find God.” 

“Now I've done my best, I know it wasn't much I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch I've told the truth, I didn't come here to London just to fool you”

As the seasons turned from cold to spring then to summer the back to being cold in a never ending cycle, his cycle of doubt never seemed to end. He stood in the back of the church following another long Catholic wedding. 

”I’m surprised you invited you,” Father O’Brien stated to Scott once all the people faded away. “She made you out to be quite the anti-Christ for awhile.”

“You tell a Catholic girl you don’t want kids and she acts like you performed an abortion in front of you,” the look on Father O’Brien’s face caused Scott to sigh. “Sorry that was an extreme analogy.” 

“For someone who hates bad analogies that was quite horrid,” the walls of the church seemed never changing. “Your parents have told me you’re quite smitten with a girl from school.”

“I am.”

“Is she Catholic?”

“Does it matter since I am not currently practicing?” something he had yet to tell his mother. 

“The lord is close to those who call out to him, Scott.” 

And even though it all went wrong I'll stand right here before the Lord of song With nothing, nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

As time continued to march on there was one name he called upon when things seemed to go wrong, and that wasn’t the name of the lord. 

It was the name of his wife, and it was simple as a song. 

Delilah. 

[selfparasbym]

Darkest nights

Dates: November 2012 & April 2016. 

“I tapped on your window on your darkest night The shape of you was jagged, and weak There was nowhere for me to stay, but I stayed anyway”

”Lucy Katherine, didn’t your mother ever teach you it’s rude to stare?” Katherine Hadley asked her middle daughter, as the thirteen year old girl sat on the floor of the living room staring at her each time she coughed. “I have pneumonia, i’m not dying.. I have too much left to do to leave you just yet.”

There were three things Katherine loved in this world; 1) being a wife, 2) being a mother, and 3) her long career she’s had as an art teacher. Her goals always centered around those three things. She wanted to watch her three kids grow up, and eventually have families of their own. She wanted to eventually retire, and sit on the front porch with her husband with various grandchildren scattered around them. 

The sound of her father yelling at the fact the packers just scored brought the girl from staring at her mother to watching her father grumble how much he hated the packers.. This would be the last normal day she would remember having with her family.. Eventually they would shift into a new normal but change was hard. 

“And if I would've known how many pieces you had crumbled into I might have let them lay”

“In ceritan cases pneumonia overwhelms the immune system until their bodies just can’t fight anymore,” the doctor told Joshua Hadley as he held a ten year old in his arms, his thirteen year old was close to his side, and his twenty-one year old son leaned against the doorway of the hospital room that they had just called the time of death for their beloved matriarch. 

“Are you really gonna talk about timin', in times like these? And let all your damage, damage me? And carry your baggage up my street? And make me your future history? It's time You've come a long way Open the blinds, let me see your face You wouldn't be the first renegade to need somebody”

The years seemed to move on in a cruel joke, where suddenly they moved into a new normal. A new normal where her dad became consumed with his move to coaching college soccer, her brother moving home as soon as he graduated, and her sister playing soccer mostly to make their father happy.. Until Maeve eventually fell in love with the game. 

“I got into a fight today with some local author,” Beau explained as they sat around the dinner table. “About nothing. He just didn’t like the way I took my coffee.”

“I thought he was kind of cute,” Maeve admitted braces gracing her teeth. “Kind of life Cedric in Harry Potter. Beau thought he looked more like someone who was cosplaying the dad from Twilight, but I didn’t see it.”

“Lucy, where were you during all this?” her father finally asked his sixteen year old, who looked down at the food on her plate. “What did you think?” 

“She was with Garett,” Maeve answered for her. “Lucy thinks he’s cute. I heard her tell Annie that she thought he thought he was cute. He has a car, and his dad is an ENT.” 

“Goose, is that so?” Joshua questioned as he looked over at his middle daughter.

“I-” before she could even get her thought out she was once again overstepped this time by her brother not wanting his younger sister to have to talk about her relationships. 

“Dad, did you watch the game between the Packers and Cardinals last night?” the January 16th game was enough to get his father away from asking questions to Lucy. 

“Is it insensitive for me to say

Get your shit together, so I can love you?"

Is it really your anxiety that stops you from givin' me everythin' Or do you just not want to?”

Dating was something that Joshua hadn’t planned on having to handle with it came to Lucy, and then eventually Maeve. No Katherine was supposed to handle that, and he was supposed to handle things when Beau dated. 

Which meant each time Lucy came home from a date with Garret anything he knew his wife would have said seemed to hang in the air. There was something about Garret he didn’t care for.. Mostly because he had made numerous comments about how it was odd that a soccer coach had so many opinions on professional football. 

But to Lucy, Garret was the most perfect boyfriend one could have. 

“I tapped on your window on your darkest night The shape of you was jagged, and weak There was nowhere for me to stay, but I stayed anyway”

“I heard Kellan is going to be some kind of fucking hacker when he grows up,” Garret stated as they sat at the lunch table watching various people move through their school cafeteria. 

”He just likes computers and tech stuff,” Lucy pointed out as she looked over at him. “You should really-”

Her comment was cut off as his friends surrounded him, and there was the reminder that his world was so much more vibrant then the world she had made for herself.  “You fire off missiles 'cause you hate yourself But do you know you're demolishin' me? And then you squeeze my hand as I'm about to leave”

The social difference in their relationship wasn’t hard to ignore, but their main issue had always revolved around intimacy. The back of his car in the parking lot of the football field, was the place he always said they were going to go talk.. Of course the backseat always ended up with Closer by the Chainsmokers on, and their mouths pressed together.. Each time ending when his hand would slip under her shirt. 

“I’m not ready for that,” she would quickly add which would end with passive aggressive comments from Garret, and him taking her home then ignoring her text until way into the next day. 

“Are you really gonna talk about timin', in times like these? And let all your damage, damage me? And carry your baggage up my street? And make me your future history? It's time”

The weekend his parents went out of town was the weekend that Garret changed his approach, sitting on the couch a beer in his hand, while his other arm was draped over her as they watched some crappy movie. 

”You should try this,” he stated extending the beer towards her. “It’s from this local place that my dad is constantly hyping up.” 

”I don’t like beer,” every time they drank with his friends she would end up dumping out a large amount of whatever beer he gave her in order to make sure she could safely drive him home. ”But thank you for offering.”

 “Babe, you need to loosen up. Let me help you with that.”

“You've come a long way Open the blinds, let me see your face You wouldn't be the first renegade to need somebody”

His method of loosening her up, and then what he had wanted in return had led to quite the oral workout for them both.. On his parents couch which one day she would look back and cringe at the thought. 

“So,” Garret began as his hands moved further up her dress as she took a sip of beer trying to get rid of the taste he left behind in her mouth which she could only describe as reminding her of the taste left behind when you leave an aspirin in your mouth for too long. “We could always go upstairs now, and maybe keep moving in the right direction.. I have condoms.”

“Garret,” Lucy sighed as she sat the beer back down on the table. “This was nice, but I’m still not ready to go all the way.” 

“Is it insensitive for me to say "Get your sh- together, so I can love you?" Is it really your anxiety that stops you from givin' me everythin' Or do you just not want to?”

The deep sigh that fell from his lip made her want to die. “I just don’t know what we’re doing then. If you don’t want to have sex with me, then why are we even dating?” 

“I-” the scoff that she heard from him made her realize she was now on a sinking ship. “I just don’t know why you can’t respect my wishes,” she stated in a quiet voice almost ashamed she had spoken up. 

“Because you can’t respect mine. My wants should be just as important as what you want,” 

And if I would have known How sharp the pieces were you crumbled into I might have let them lay

The end of a relationship is never easy, and the things that follow after the end of a relationship are even worse. The way he spoke about her around his friends about how she gave a blow job that was an equivalent to sticking your dick in a pencil sharpener, and how she did in fact stuff her bra was a lie that made her way to die. 

“I just think I’m going to go to university online,” she eventually told her dad one evening. “I just don’t feel comfortable going to college out of state, and I don’t see myself sitting in a classroom here,” and having to deal with numerous people from her high school days. The thought of going to college out of state and being away from her dad who might need her was something she couldn’t past. “Plus going to school online will give me more time to babysit for the McNails and the Georges, and I don’t know maybe I could expand to babysitting for more families, or maybe even look into being a nanny.”

“Goose,” her father stated as he held up his hand. “You don’t have to sell your future to me. You need to know what will make you happy, anything less than that isn’t worth it.” 

Are you really gonna talk about timin', in times like these? And let all your damage, damage me? And carry your baggage up my street? And make me your future history? It's time You've come a long way

[selfparasbym]

Running up that Hill; Self-Para

Primary date: December 2016 (with loads of throw backs to December 2001)

“It doesn't hurt me. Do you want to feel how it feels? Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me? Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making?”

Being at funerals were always awkward especially when you didn’t know the person who died.. But it was for Caroline, and for Caroline meant it was for her dad. “I hate funerals,” the blonde female sighed as they sat in a pew. 

”My mother used to say loving someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of who they used to be,” his mother’s whole theory on it was laced with regret, and how many funerals she had longed to be apart of when it came to his father.. Though she never truly loved him, at least Declan didn’t think she did. She loved who he could have been.

”Your mother was also a raging acholic who once almost let one of her boyfriends drown you in the bathtub,” Caroline sneered knowing bits and pieces of his childhood that he chose to share in a funny way while masking any trauma. 

”I should stop telling people that story because no one thinks it was funny. He did it to be funny.” or at least that’s what her mom had told him. 

”Declan take your amphetamine and be quiet, we are mourning,” mourning for someone she didn’t even know seemed ironic. But he was a long time customer of the pharmacy Caroline’s dad owned, and that she worked at.  “You, it's you and me. If I only could, I'd make a deal with God, And I'd get him to swap our places, Be running up that road Be running up that hill, Be running up that building”

He never quite understood how his mother had always been the bad guy in the lives of everyone else. In his mind she was the most perfect mother to ever walk the face of the earth. Christmas was always filled with memories of his mother Dottie sitting on the couch with a diet coke in one hand, and a cigarette in the other as Declan rolled around the floor as Frosty the Snowman played in the background. 

”Declan you’re going to end up a mess,” Dottie sighed as she watched her twelve year old son looked like an utter idiot. “We have company tonight.”

The company being her parents who would no doubt remind her once again that not only was having a baby out of wedlock the biggest mistake of her life, but having an affair will send her straight to hell. 

”I don’t want to see nanny and papa. I want to go to dad’s and hang out with Daniel and Delilah,” he whined as he stopped his rolling to look  at his mother. 

”If your daddy wanted you to be over he would have invited you. We don’t go places we aren’t wanted,’ she firmly told him. “God, if I gotten an abortion neither of us would have to deal with that man.” “If I only could, oh You don't want to hurt me, But see how deep the bullet lies. Unaware I'm tearing you asunder.”

The dinner with his grandparents was an utter disaster like most times when they came over. His mother ended up crying in her room looking at photos of a small town in Colorado she had once traveled to, and fell in love with the atmosphere. That was where she wanted to be. 

She didn’t want to be anyone’s mother.. She loved Declan more than anything, but the jealousy she felt of the perfect family his had made her feel so much rage towards the little boy. The rage she had no doubt he had to pick up on when he was doing his weird art, or making up his stories that were more of a rambling string then anything. 

The sound of his little feet as he jumped on her bed made him smile. “I love you Declan Ernest,” she promised him kissing his head. “I would do anything to make sure you were taken care of.”  “Ooh, there is thunder in our hearts. Is there so much hate for the ones we love? Tell me, we both matter, don't we? You, you and me” 

”I just texted Max about this youtube video I watched,” Declan told Caroline as he walked into  their bedroom. She flipped through a book trying to hide her annoyance at the name of his favorite couple. 

”Declan, I don’t like when you two hang out. He’s a wildcard,” she stated not bothering to look up at him as he pressed a kiss to her shoulder. “I’m not in the mood.”

”Did I ever tell you about when I went to Kyoto last spring, and I almost broke my ankle?” he wanted nothing more than for the approval of his long-term girlfriend. “I ended up calling Max, and he roasted the shit out of me. He was so fucking drunk it was hilarious.”

”Declan, how could I forget when you lost your phone the next day, and I didn’t hear from you until you showed back up in our apartment?” Caroline questioned as she looked over at him. “I thought you were dead.”

”I wouldn’t have died,” he shook his head. “My mom is watching out for me. I just know it.”

”Declan,” she sighed. “Go to sleep. We can talk again in the morning about something less mystical. I swear you are the only person who actually believes there is something in the universe; you know other than religious nut jobs.. But most of them aren’t educated so they have an excuse, you have a college degree and you attended great schools. Just give it up.” “It's you and me won't be unhappy. If I only could, I'd make a deal with God, And I'd get him to swap our places, Be running up that road, Be running up that hill, Be running up that building,”

”I can’t deal with him anymore,” Dottie stated as she stood on the front porch of her baby daddy’s house, Declan with his suitcase in tow next to him. “I can’t do this anymore.”

She kissed him goodbye as he walked into the house she would have never been able to afford. “I don’t want to be a mother anymore,” she made it very clear to Mr. Williams that Declan was now fully his problem, and she wanted no part of it.  “C'mon, baby, c'mon darling, Let me steal this moment from you now. C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling, Let's exchange the experience, oh”

The days of his mother being gone had turned into months, and his mind never quite caught up with the fact that she had left him behind. His mom loved him more than anything, and she was the person he always went to when he was hurting or scared. 

Until the day they were sitting in the living room, the news playing in the background until the story of a car accident playing on the channel.. The talks of a young woman dying in the car accident catching his eye. 

”I think that was my mom,” he stated. The mourning he felt turning into false memories that she never really left him.. No she died, and that was easier to handle then the thought of her leaving him behind to have a life without him in it.  “And if I only could, I'd make a deal with God, And I'd get him to swap our places, Be running up that road, Be running up that hill, With no problems.”

There were times the truth eased into his memories. His family always making sure to remind him that his mother in fact was dead, and she wasn’t going to come back at any point. The nightmares of her kissing him goodbye, the years of worry and stress being lifted off her shoulder would often haunt him. 

The cold sweat he woke up in as he gasped and sat up in their bed caused Caroline to wake up. “Declan, what’s wrong?” she sighed as he lips found his bare shoulder.  

“I just had this nightmare of my mom leaving me, and her being out there without me,” he ran his hand through his sweaty hair. “Of course I figure if she was out there she would have come back when I had that stupid DUI,” he chuckled. 

“Your mother is dead, Declan,” Caroline told him firmly. Knowing the years his parents and siblings had spent letting him live that lie, she couldn’t just ruin that for him.. Mostly because she didn’t want to deal with the trauma from it. “Plus I was there for your DUI, I was the one who made sure you got out of jail; not your mom, not your dad, not Daniel, not Delilah. It was me. I think you’re focusing too much on your family.”

“Caroline,” he sighed as he looked over at her. Wondering how every conversation as of lately always seemed to move back to the fact that they should be focusing on her family instead, and how they needed to spend holidays with her family. 

“Daniel and Delilah both have their own lives. Max as drunk and no doubt filled with STDs his life is, he has a life,” she told him a voice that was so sweet it felt sickening. “You need to build your own life, and you need to build it with me.”

“I am building a life with you,” he pointed out as he relaxed back into his pillow. “But I can’t just leave my family behind.”

“Declan, they are your family out of pitty,” she snapped. “You were an affair baby, your mother is dead, they aren’t your family. I’m your family I chose to be your family.”

“Did I ever tell you about when Daniel and I would fight that he used to put me in this headlock, and every time I thought I was going to die,” the scoff she let out made him feel like he wasn’t drowning anymore. 

He just wanted to fully feel like he belonged. And for right now he wanted to believe it was in his own family.  “If I only could, I'd make a deal with God, And I'd get him to swap our places, Be running up that road, Be running up that hill, With no problems.”

[selfparasbym]

“I'm in my bed And you're not here And there's no one to blame but the drink and my wandering hands”

It had been six days since Theo buried his wife.. The mornings were always the hardest when he woke up to find an empty bed. When he had tricked himself every single morning into thinking of that she was still her by the smell of Marlene filling the room from her pillow. If he was being honest he was starting to panic that before long her pillow would smell more like him, and less like her. The second the tears began falling the sound of Iris crying from her nursery was enough to get him to suck back the tears, and pick her up from her crib. 

Every morning since Marlene had passed, when he picked Iris up he could see the confusion in her face as to why her mother wasn’t picking her up. Everyone in his family had always joked that Iris favored him in every single favor, which for once he was thanking Merlin for that he wouldn’t have to spend the rest of his life raising someone who reminded him of his wife.  “Forget what I said It's not what I meant And I can't take it back”

The letters that came from friends and family made him sick, and the condolences from the Potters about how Lily cried all night when she heard about Marlene’s death. It seemed so faux, and he found himself so jealous that the Potters were safe and sound while his wife was dead, and he was left raising an infant by himself. 

His parents had both refused to take a side in the war; his father felt pressure from both of his brothers to follow Voldemort, and pressure to join the order from their son, nephew, and one of their daughters. They both kept themselves neutral in hopes of staying out of it; even though they had both been guilty of having microaggressions against those who weren’t of a pure blood status. 

When Marlene died, something changed in his mother. With one of her daughters willing to risk her life to follow the dark lord, and the fear that she could lose her other two children like she did her daughter in-law was enough to keep her lips closed, and to stay with her son helping him in every way take care of her first born grandchild. 

“I can't unpack the baggage you left”

“Theodore,” seemed to be the first thing Annie said every single morning as her son came into the kitchen with Iris in his arms. “Maybe you should move home with your father and I.”

‘I don’t want to’ had been his response the last three days, and the days before that he didn’t even bother to answer or to say anything at all.. Today was a different answer all together. “I think i want to go back to work,” When Marlene got pregnant with Iris he took a leave of absence to keep his family safe, and now as long as Iris was safe (which if the dark lord won he knew his father could work his way into favor, and if he didn’t his parents would still have power) he didn’t care if he lived or died. “And I think it would be best if Iris stayed with you and father.” 

“What am I now? What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around?”

Six days turned into six weeks, and now he had lost everything about who he once was. His life was no longer about the safe family he had created, or being a devoted husband.. instead it was about his work at Gringotts, and chasing anything that made him feel alive. Traveling to and from was a bit dangerous, but at the same time he wondered if Iris would be safer without him. 

The owls his mother sent him about Iris’ developments from saying her first word which had been ‘doggy’ when they were on a stroll to visit his aunt and uncle to beginning to pull herself up on everything. He knew he should have felt like he was missing out on something, and he did miss Iris.. but at the same time the tears he was crying weren’t for him, but they were for Marlene who should have been there to see them instead. 

“What if I'm down?"

His mother did everything she could to try to get him to come back home, including having his favorite cousins send him a letter. But even a letter from both Andromeda and Sirius didn’t make him feel any better. Sirius talked about the Potter boy who he knew would no doubt be in the same class with Iris, and Andy talked about Nymphardora, and the free spirited girl she was growing into.. but none of it seemed to make him feel anything. 

“What if I'm out?”

The only person he took the time to write back besides his mother, was Frank. He and Frank had been best mates for as long as he could remember and he knew if something bad ever did happen to him that Frankie and Alice would make sure Iris had just as much love and support as their own son would. 

“What if I'm someone you won't talk about?”

The person he had never expected to see again had been Cece, and when she did come back after Marlene’s death.. he hadn’t exactly been nice to her. He used all his aggression to push away the person who had once been his best friend. 

“You said you cared, And you missed me, too”

Cece the girl who once was his best friend, always held a strange spot in his heart. He was certain when he and Marlene were just courting he would have dropped everything to be with Cece.. she had this hold on his heart that the night she decided to marry Klaus, he tried to break away from it. As the years went on it did get better, and his main focus had become the girl he married and the life they were planning together. 

“And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you”

The days he did come to his parents house, his mind was flooded with guilt about leaving his parents to raise Iris. His mum raised two girls she knew everything that there was to know about raising girls; one being loyal to the Black family name, and the other being loyal to what can come with the order.. he wondered which she would raise Iris to be more like. 

As he held his sleeping daughter in his arms he wondered if maybe he should just stop visiting all together. she seemed so peaceful, and there was no way he could raise a child with the darkness for the world he was feeling right now.  “And the coffee's out At the Beachwood Café And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say What am I now?”

His mother leaned against the doorway of his childhood room with Iris on her hips. “Theodore, I wish you would stay with Iris for a little bit longer,” his mother’s hair had once been as dark as his was now as white as snow from sleepless nights of worrying over her three kids. 

“I need to work,” his mother scoffed in reply, no Black ever truly had to work. They had years of old money that would keep them all comfortable for generations to come. “Marlene would want me to work.”

“Don’t put words in the mouth of the dead,” his mother replied leaving the room with the dark hair infant still firmly on her hip. It would have been so much easier if Marlene was here, or if he could talk to her about what to do. 

What would she think of him right now? What would she want him to do about Iris?  “What am I now? What if I'm someone I don't want around?”

The next time he bothered coming home was months later, but he didn’t go to his parents house.. Instead he went home to the house he shared with Marlene, and the house they were supposed to build a life together in. His nights were filled with drinking any fire whiskey he could find, and crying as he realized his wife’s things no longer smelt like her but rather they smelt like the staleness of a house that had been left untouched. 

“I'm fallin' again I'm fallin' again I'm fallin'”

He tried to avoid going to his parent’s house for as long as possible.. But the day Iris turned one he knew it would be impossible; he walked into the house that morning his father reading the daily prophet, while his mother fussed over the bow she had put in Iris’ hair. The way Iris used to light up when she saw her father had seemed to fade as she stuffed a piece of cheerio in his mouth. 

“Theodore, it’s not polite to stare,” his father stated not bothering to look up as his mother began fuss that Theo wasn’t taking care of himself. 

The rest of the day didn’t get any better as his father shared news about how his cousin’s son Drake (or maybe it was Draco) showed a lot of potential, and how since the marriage he arranged between his younger daughter Stephanie, and his nephew Regulus before the male’s death didn’t work out he’d be open to seeing if maybe Draco and Iris could keep the blood line pure through marriage one day. 

The thought of his daughter marrying some punk ass kid of his cousin didn’t sit well with him, but also with the way Iris clung to his mother and cried the second he held her made him wonder if he’d even be in the picture by the time she reached the age of marriage. 

His mother had tried to get Iris to let Theo hold her so many times, that when bedtime rolled around she finally told him. “She’s very particular about nap time, I should probably just put her down.” 

“What if I'm down? What if I'm out? What if I'm someone you won't talk about?”

”Do you ever talk to her about Marlene?” Theo asked in the middle of night as he and his mother both leaned against opposite sides of the nursery doorway. 

”She’s a babe,” Annie replied. “She doesn’t need to be weighed down by a ghost, she’s already lost her father to that weight, she doesn’t need to lose her childhood.”

”She’s an orphan of the war, she will already not have a childhood,” 

”She still has a father,” Annie kept her voice low though she was tempted to scream and shake her son until he came to his senses.

Instead he left her with eight words that seemed to cause a divide greater than the grand canyon. “I’ll be leaving first thing in the morning.” “I'm fallin' again I'm fallin' again I'm fallin'”

It was a cool November day when he got the owl from his parents that changed everything. He had been working day and night in a tomb in Egypt, his connection with the outside world had almost been non-existent. But the day he got the owl about how his school mates and friends James and Lily Potter dying, his cousin Sirius being arrested due to killing twelve muggles and Peter Pettigrew, his other Bellatrix also joining him in Azkaban for committing unspeakable acts against Theo’s very best friend Frank Longbottom and his wife Alice; the last of the letter was sprinkled with information Iris, and how much she had grown. 

Perhaps it was the way the weather seemed to change that day, or perhaps it was the fact that his heart ached in a different way then it had been; but this was the day he felt like himself for the first time in a long time. 

“And I get the feelin' that you'll never need me again What am I now? What am I now? What if you're someone I just want around?”

The days at his parent’s house turned to weeks, and Iris finally warmed up to him again. The moment she called him “daddy” for the first time made him weep like a newborn. The fear that she didn’t need him has soon been replaced with the guilt of everything he had been missing out on. 

As the days passed his life of cursed objects was exchanged for hair bows and story books. The moment he flipped through the pages of a story that ended with ‘Happily ever after’ made his heart ache for the one person he never quite made it right with. 

He wanted until the dark haired girl was sound asleep before sneaking out of the house. His mother who had spent the first few weeks fussing over his hair and facial hair was filled with fear he wouldn’t return when she heard the sound of the door closing behind him.

His feet ran faster than he knew possible until he reached the last place he knew she would be.  “I'm fallin' again” He stood on the front porch, knocking gently, before slipping his hands into his pockets. His coat pocket contained three things; his grandfather’s pocket watch, a love letter from Marlene, and the hair ribbon that had fallen out of Iris’ hair when he had met his cousin for a playdate with her bratty son to appease his parents, her brat of a son had pulled Iris’ hair bow out to which had made it very clear to him that this would be the last playdate. 

He didn’t even know what to say to Cece if she opened the door. Or if she didn’t slam the door in his face after some of the things he had said to her after Marlene’s death. 

All he knew was he had this gut feeling, and a voice in his head that he was sure had sounded as sweet as Marlene’s telling him it was ‘okay to move on’.

[selfparasbym]

[selfparasbym]