selfreflectionsnepal

[selfreflectionsnepal]

Self reflections

Since i have been here in Nepal and as soon as i announced my plans to go, i have had people telling me they are jealous of me, my standard response to this is “i understand that, you are very welcome to come join me.” Which is followed up with a whole variety of excuses. i have heard it all, i can't because: “iI need to do school”, “I need to work”, “But what about Covid”, “It is hard to get a visa”, “I can't afford it”. Ofcourse these are hurdles, I do undertand that, but especially in the west we are so privilaged that these are often easily solved. So sometimes it frustrates me a little when they say they wish were here with me, for i would love for them to be, and see this version of myself that they might not know. To spend the mornings walking in the jungle and the evenings meeting the most extraordinary kind and unbelievably open people imaginable.

The way i see it there is really two options here, they either don't really want to be here in sunny paradise with me. Or, option two,  they genuinely believe it is not an option for them. The first i am very understanding of, some people prefer the comfort of their own homes, the luxury state of living that the Netherlands provides us with, there is absolutely no shame in this. The second on the other hand bothers me, i want the best for these people, i know how miserable lockdown is making people, many of my friends are seriously struggling to maintain some form of sanity. Don't get me wrong here either, i am not one to shy away from a good bout of craziness, but their mind is deteriorating, it does not seem to be contributing to their life in a good way.

Often i have told people that if they are not happy with their lives they should look at it, analyse it, figure out what is making them unhappy, and see if there is a solution for it. Sometimes there is not(think for example the loss of a loved one), the world throws difficulties on our plate and it is up to us to make peace with this, which can be a long and difficult process. More often than not however, there is solutions readily available. This however requires admitting to yourself that you are the source of your own misary, and facing this angers people (so does pointing it out, as experience has taught me).

Of course it is not always smooth sailing even when following this philosophy, i am not a zen master who has found complete peace, who can accept the world for what it is at all points. i make mistakes, i get frustrated with myself and my failures. For example eating that egg-dish i had a bad feeling about yesterday which led to me throwing up all night, can't say i am feeling pleased about this belleache of mine. Though even this has presented me with the oppertunity and time frame to do my uni work in a way that genuinely interests me, instead of just gerugitating facts, which at this point i am so over doing. There is ofcourse much to learn from the bright minds of the past, but often when i long for it to give my own opinion, i am not supposed to, which leads to my grades being... well let's just say they could be better. I feel like often what i am saying is not even looked at in a serious manner, and that i am just being judged on my lack of form, my lack of sticking to the assignments, but i simply refuse to change. Not that i couldn't do the way i am supposed to, it would not be too hard getting better grades, but i would find no joy or passion in this, so if that means i don't graduate so be it, i will make the university ashamed of it out of pure mischievous spite. I am horribly bright, but also horribly stubborn, a trait that has been birthed from me being right more often than not, imagine  in what hilarious situations this results when others actually make a good point, my giant ass ego is not to pleased about that, but i love that, i love bullying my ego, i love being proven wrong, and therefor love the people who actually have the balls to challange me in a serious manner, who actually listen to the intentions behind my words, though they are sometimes clouded and hard to explain, for they have made a lot of sense to me for a long time. So the process of deeping this out with another person, to see if there is any fundamental differences, is just incredibly beautiful to me.

I would love to be able to write in a way where i can also make people who don't deep this out understand what i am trying to say as well, but to deep out all the concepts and cryptic messages i tend to drop in my essays and personal writings would be a ridiculous amount of work, so i haven't quite figured out yet how and if and how to go about having a comprehensive layer of deeper meaning, and still speak about niche subjects.

Aside from being an obnoxious prick there is also other stuggles that I have been trying to learn to accept. I get incredibly lonely for example, a side effect from being a bit of a weirdo who got lost in the void. Here again i know i could probably solve this by living a normal life, find me a good man, job and some kids. But i am not willing to do this, for i want to live an extroardinary life, and for now i have not found a way to make these coincide, and at this point i fear there might not be (which is also possibly me putting up another wall, but sometimes we have to wholeheartedly believe and live something before we can realise how incredibly wrong we were. Maybe not a nececary process but one i enjoy nonetheless).

Reflecting on this it feels unfair of me to be in any judgement of people who believe they are stuck where they are, be it in sadness, insanity or a physical place. For maybe the process is a beautiful one, i get a lot of fun out of looking at the person i used to be, how silly and lost i was, and i am sure in 20 years i will feel the same about me now. It is exciting to think about what i might become, all the possible paths, the endless, or maybe seemingly potentiality of my life. I have been gifted a life full of options, i feel very blessed in this. I want to hold the hand of these options (there is too many to choose from, so i have started the impossible mission of doing all of them) and have them guide me somewhere beautiful.

The best way to make the lives of those who i love better is by making myself better, so i guess that is what I'm doing now. It is kind of strange, for what i am doing is completely selfish, but I want to become the best version of myself. And to do that, I need to make my mistakes, for that is the way i love to learn deep in my soul. (It also leads to some good ass stories, stories are something i believe to be at the foundation of humanity, both on a personal and communal level). I didn't however feel the freedom to make these mistakes at home. I don't want them to negatively impact those around me. And also in a more egotistical sense, the people at home have quite a good image of who Iris is, and i didn't wnat to destroy that, pure arrogance that is. But here in this hippie town i got lost in i can be who i want, even if i want to be a grumpy bastard, a hopeless romantic, a gangsters wife, a poet, an artist, an intellectual, a singer, a lover, a friend, a rebel, a small time criminal, a powerhungry bitch or a tired sad cunt with a bellyache. I can try out all these faces, and maybe at some point i will find one, or a combination of ones that suit me. Or maybe i am all of these. I don't feel static, to quote one of my favorite poems “My mother always told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing to north.” So for now i'll wonder about this earth, that is where I am happiest for now, and that for me has been the most important thing for a long time. The moving, and the change nurtures my growth. And If i return at some point i hope to inspire, not for people to follow my path, for everyone needs to find their own, but to inspire being unafraid. Unafraid of the future, which I can at this point say I mostly am. But also unafraid of the past, to not be haunted by the things that have occured, to practice forgiveness of the self and through this forgiveness of others. But babysteps, first i will turn inward, hide away in my cocoon, in hopes that one day i'll birthed a beautiful butterfly.