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sunday 11/12/2023 around 8:30pm
it's been awhile but hey... they always come back!
i got written up at work today. maybe i'm always ready to be upset about something i did wrong. it doesn't surprise me they grew tired of me being late practically every day, but it does surprise me they took the time to find the name of someone who got a slightly negative review.... "server was aloof". bitch read the room, it was a show night. i was busy.
anyways one night i had done something i normally was doing with my managers before (since i started serving) which was give a recap about the night and how i felt about it. highs and lows type vibe. they never really asked anyways. so i thought something was off and uptight about Tom. i told him how i had forgotten to ring a drink in, and it ended up being fine. i don't remember what i said word for word in that moment (this was like 2 or 3 weeks ago) and he quoted me apparently being happy that a guest pounded his drink, the drink i had forgotten to ring in (and ended up doing so, obviously)
i don't know if writing while i'm drinking is actually what will help me in the long run
i think writing while smoking helps me narrow/streamline my thoughts, and when drinking my writing turns into emotion filled out pours of my innermost thoughts, yet it feels so messy
it's like i can't keep track of where i start or where i end but maybe that doesn't matter
getting lost in the words is what matters. for the time being.
so yes i still want to go to miami and study to get my masters and portfolio work from miami ad and fiu. it's the only thing giving me hope that i feel i can actually count on. anything else giving me hope is unfulfilled or unreliable. i don't want to say unrealistic but it's not as attainable under my control as my education seems. or maybe i'm misunderstood and i have more control than i allow myself to believe
either way, feeling lonely at the bar and being written up at work tonight is why i'm here typing in my phone at momos at 8:49pm on a sunday
it's raining and i'm sitting under a heating lamp out on the patio, enjoying a vape. they know people like to smoke cigs and drink, so it works perfect that i can vape while i drink out here. it makes the drink go down easier
it still makes me sad that Brendan ignores me at work, or at least tries to, and he maybe even actively tries to avoid me. i want to say whatever, i do every fucking time i want to laugh about it. but i can't. hearing his voice alone made me cry, knowing whatever the fuck i did makes me worthy of being ignored like that. even when he saw me, he went on his phone as if that's not the rudest shit ever to do to someone you know..... ..... .... zzzzzzz and i'm back to whatever
it's raining harder and something about it is comforting. it's interesting being 25. so many directions and possibilities it seems easier/easiest to sit down and do nothing. but at the end of the day i'll feel better getting things done, seeing people i care about, and quite possibly maybe most importantly -- doing things that make me feel good. writing write now feels good. but i know there's a lot of things that are bad for me that could make me feel good. i don't want to restrict or punish myself, it's not as godly or christly as i may think from time to time
hearing people yelling at the bar is alarming. but also entertaining, it's more fun when i'm here with my coworkers, but this gives me a different perspective on my surroundings. there's another girl here sitting at a table by herself near me reading. it makes me more comfortable knowing i'm not the only one who goes out alone and can enjoy a drink out without needing to be with friends you knew prior.
being out at 9pm in the winter feels like being out at midnight. it's always so refreshing when summer rolls around and it's dark til 9pm
i'll probably check back in but i want to get mac and cheese soon. because by the time i'm halfway done with my drink it'll be here. yep im going to go do that. brb
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6/4/22 9:38pm
it’s like i always regret telling anybody anything
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please don’t take for granted the feeling of laying down with your love.
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“they can steal your recipe, but the sauce won’t taste the same.”
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12/15/2021 @ 1:38pm
me living everyday the rest of my life knowing my soulmate is d3@d
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showing someone that you care isn’t the same thing as controlling them.
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not sure why, but i do find it ironic some music that feels closest to my soul was created right around the same time in the world and in space that my physical being was created
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you can’t control who you love, but you can control your career.
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3/16/2021 -- 11:14am
its interesting understanding when its necessary to have time alone. surprisingly, sometimes this is predetermined for you. at the very least, you should tell where you should be and what you should be doing by your feelings. don't fight your feelings, you are fighting yourself at that point, fighting love, fighting happiness. give yourself what you want, even if that means lowering your ego, you guard, and putting you at risk. if you feel right about it, the risk is worth taking. if you feel wrong about it, you know where to not be. don't fight love because you think its easier to live in fear.
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2/22/2021 — 9:25pm
beginning to realize the only way to find happiness is through loving who you are (loving yourself) and spending your life doing things that you love.
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my grandma on her sister (my Aunt Diane): "i didn't like her but i loved her."
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sunday february 5th, 2021 -- 12:55pm
i realized/noticed during a massage yesterday that I enjoy physical pain when it is for the sake of helping others, never when it benefits myself. when it benefits myself I feel its not worth doing, but if another benefits, I feel that its worth doing.
why, and what is this caused by?
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