seominjiuniverse-blog

[seominjiuniverse-blog]

August's ghost as I toast...

Its been quite a while since I saw his face without a smile.  He didn’t while I did even if Im really crying and dying inside. Facebook always asks, “whats on your mind” and I bet as my FB friends saw my posts and shoutouts everytime, they really get tired. Same old scenario nothing is new.

Looking back, well all I do now is to look back - - those were the happiest moments in my life! I love what I have and seem to have right now but still something is KULANG. I said once that the months we shared are equal to an annual. Seconds passed as if a day gone by without him by my side.

I force myself to put in harmony to the world, the life around me. Try to be happy, even fake my own self a smile that my heart doesn’t seem to buy!

Closure. I thought that’s what all I needed to bring back the peace in my life. The silence behind my loudness. I can’t believe I only have him for a while though I’m so grateful about it that I even had the chance to have so. I don’t know why it is hard to accept and let go. I don’t know what I want and why I still feel for him this way… I want to know! What is it that keeps me wanting him?!!!

It’s just four months! I did try to pretend that I killed my love for him and when I cannot help myself for the hundredth time, I just role played that he was reincarnated. Then after I had my anticipated closure that I wasn’t expecting to happen that way, here I am, feeling like I’m dealing with a ghost I opt to ponder.

January, February, March… his birthday … April, May … mine and then were not anymore fine. We’re on the eight month now that means two months ago when we  last saw each other smile. This will be the third month of my agony I hope after the same number of months of being blissfully happy this HURTACHE will also leave me.

Pop! Pop! A lot of questions just sprout! Why am I dealing with the problems at the office? Why am I in that office? Why am I feeling so down and depressed? Why does my heart still beat for him in a race?

If Al Franco Adeja Ocampo could explain it all, then that’s simply the answer.

I love my family, friends and enemies too. Loving him, being stuck on him doesn’t mean that my world revolve around him though it really felt like so. Reiterating his name, showing people how he is the center of my being doesn’t mean he’s my life. He just gave me one, something that I never thought I would ever had. He enlivens something inside of me that I never knew I have inside me. It’s not that I don’t want to move on. Who’s in pain who doesn’t want to live normal again. I want to I just don’t feel like I already can.

Its August now and I can still remember. The very first day that I knew his face, the first picture we had together, the first dinner I had with him, the first item I gained from him, the first night we kissed, the first night we did it, the first time …. the first time… SECOND TIME where are you????

Even when I tried having fun, mingling, and did unwind; thoughts of him filled me. I even sent him a message to know how it’ll feel again. LANGUISHING. darn!

As I hold back to answered his goodbye message which I kept in my mobile phone now, the word is being cruel again to made me feel his presence over the crowded, polluted, irrational spot I couldn’t comprehend.

The pianist, wore a Goku-like hair and sang like him. The only difference is the other guys average bod and absolutely sang like him!!!! Im falling in love for him again. again and again.

I LOVE YOU FRANCO. frustrated am I. pathetic I hate it. I don’t even know the answers for these so many questions!!!!

God please help me. Let us both happy. If he dis choose for me to be outta his life, let it be and please enlighten me and make him totally happy. Happier than he could ever be with me.

[seominjiuniverse-blog]

when it's over, that's the time I fall in love again

My mind can’t spit out anything much to newer, nicer , better to say. The title  came from an old song, a boy band I think?

Breaking dawn with I love you then goodbye. Yesterday morning I’m on my newly tradition of blogging then crying deep inside ‘till I get tired and fall asleep. here’s an excerpt:

I remember him again. the pain is still there. The water in me is rushing all over to be a drop of tear and see the world to be dried by air. nonsense? . The feeling is really inexplicable you’ll only have the chance to know when it’s you who’s already experiencing the state of being everything!

Just a few minutes ago,I really can say that I’m only seeing part of the picture and it’s cute to think how it’s that when I was only sixteen, my present problem already had the same problem I have right now with him. Well in fact that time of my life I was blissful starting a relationship with my first (informal) boyfriend which lasted for three years because of my immaturity and STUPIDITIES.

PAPA JACK said over the nationwide broadcast FM Radio: “just be thankful that it was once yours. At least when you get old and can’t do anything at all but to sit on your rocking chair, you could at least reminisce for the good days that you spend with that someone. Your best days with that person no matter how long for as long as you’ve been given the chance to experience so.” I hope I made  right translating it. 

That’s it. I really love Franco and all I can do now is wish for his happiness without me. Maybe it’s not our time yet. I don’t want to fool myself with false hope but I don’t want to cut the spirit of hoping and believing. As the song goes “Hope for the best and expect the worse”.

I laugh in my mind and felt more fortunate than others. While I am grieving for just a month or two, he’s been in pain for years and so.

Life is really a matter of choice. Life in general~everything that is possible! with it’s every aspects, you just need a bit of emotions from a vessel named heart to make mind decide to be a little bit nicer, softer , weaker than usual. But all is up to you, well if he chose to be imprisoned in his own desire to prove what he wanted to, I cannot oath to do like him so, I need to SAVE myself.

Dying alive is really an awful situation. But if we don’t experience failures we will not be able to grow for we won’t want anything more if everything is perfectly in place.

If its not him, then I’m bound to look elsewhere to see that someone ment to me is waiting to make ourselves happy ~ happiest.

LOVE hurts sometimes when you do it right. Every relationship is a trial and error.

DIE and be reincarnated people and bring on the lessons with you as you go along , as you move on. (MIRROR)

sacrifice is the true language of love, as much as I want him to be with  him I would like  it more to let him be happy the way he wants to be.

This is a lesson learned I would like to share with everybody.

*still have a lot of childish hopes and disappointments ‘till now, but better keep going than be stuck in here forever and never try to discover and re-discover whatever*

(Whew! whatta long excerpt of mine!)

Going back, why do I ended up writing another public blog???? Maybe because I decided to keep IT all again with me, not being shared with any technology, something that any monitor won’t be able to be seen upon.

Last night I’m in my friend’s house planning to go to MOA and have a small quality time while touring our officemate’s brother who’s new here in Manila. As we were waiting for their car to pick us up, I’d been asked to send a text message to our officemate using Leah’s mobile phone and as I was browsing her phone book, I automatically saw his name and the rush came through my body again (franco-mj). I decided then to give him a ring without my friend’s permission, then after three busy tone after long span of waiting and hearing a ring I decided to stop what I am doing. Then the night grew deeper and her family was watching a real-life story in ABS CBN, the movie in Maalala Mo Kaya is sad but I felt like crying because I of what the story’s situation reminded me.

Then as I admit  to them that I miss him, Leah who’s already holding her moby phone told me that HE texted. At first I thought 'twas a joke but then as she handed me the phone I prove that she wasn’t.

Just like before, I got too excited and as that guy thought Leah’s number was her close friend’s number, I tried to imitate her best friend’s way of texting just to hear from him again and even asked him to come t where we were heading at.

Then while were on our way to our destination, I failed to convince him and decided to give up fabricating too much false hopes bout him. and the feel of pain pang inside my chest, my mind, my body and my entire system again. I’m about to cry but then held back my tears, I don’t want to ruin my new company’s first bonding time with me.

We settled at Padis Point MOA an first asked for a tower of three-flavored cocktail drink. As the night turns to midnight, under the full moon of 24th and 25th of July, I started to feel alone and lonely again while on outdoors with a loud music and a lot of groups of people around me. I miss him. I hate him. I love him.

I thought the night I mean morning will end the way I tried hard to be ~ not letting them witness my river of tears which is about to explode. (disappointed to him for not even appreciating any of my effort and not making me feel possess any worth).

Suddenly, after a little dance and drink again, it is already morning, the chickens are about to shout and wake people up.I went inside Padis to look for Zand when I go back to my seat, he is already sitting on our table!!!

BANG! a surprise image of him welcomed me away! The moment I was just about to came near to our table, I thought he is just another imagination

I will be happy if I’ll see that letting him go, giving him up will make him happy.

he said he came there to help me, to end my longing and not to add misery and sorrow and to let me move on with my life without him. Not hanging anymore….

Then we ride inside the car,(we’re overloading argh!) and sitting on his lap it made me feel hollow. I want to embrace him even after standing beside him. I tried to touch his hand but he refuses to add another memory.

Then there, they dropped me in front of our gate. and another hope sprouted in me. that  one day when he realizes that he can’t do it again without me, he will come in front of our front door and ask me back in his life. - ANOTHER FOOLISH FANTASY

I might even have somebody beside me by that time.

I miss him so much. Lord help me pass this through I always wanted to, but the feeling is uncontrollable by my mind.

Still on with my tradition:

Every night i talk to the stars pretending its him.. it acts just like him though - - far away and never replies to my questions that left me with no other option but to CRY.

I cry for the time that he was almost mine

I cry for the memories I’ve left behind

I cry for the pain

the lost

the old that seems new

I cry for the times I thought I had him.

But the bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

He never was and he never will be mine.

’ Till now I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we had. But, I can’t because I know he won’t come after me, and I guess that’s what hurts the most

Just living and breathing and trying not to die again …

And hey, here’s another blog of mine which I opt to make public =) :

There are always two sides of the coin as they say. only two particle charges. There’s black and white ; good ad bad ; angel and devil ; big and small ; thick and thin and so on… I had played a lot of role in  my existence so far. I’ve been the bitch , crazy , funny , boring , enthusiastic, stupid , foolish , wise , strong , weak , undecided ,clever , beautiful , best , worse, attractive , sexy , loser , shy , lover , baby , mother , daughter , sister , friend , acquaintance , casualty , student , teacher , aunt , relative , passer by and a lot more.

Just recently I prove my own theory and made my reason before reasonable by experiencing it on my own. I dupe someone before fearing that he might be able to it first before me. When he’s already out of my life, I regret it but tried to look stronger and tell them ” If I didn’t do that and be very naive, I’ll just wake up that he’ll be the one doin it to me”. So I always say before that it’s nice to be bad. Nice to fool around instead of being fooled upon,

I thought KARMA doesn’t know me, yet it came. Life really teaches me that being too nice to someone or giving your best will just show you the worse.

Dunno what script will I give to myself again. Will  I rather be a saint who is being stab to death or the sinner who is being burn to ashes.

used with being confused.

I don’t know what I want. (throwing the love away) throwing but not letting go. I keep on effing playing the memories over and over again till it gets damaged but it seems like its being photocopied a million times when I do.

I hate myself for loving you. I even hate myself for beleiving in love and applying it to you.

Actually, I am happy, sad, high and low this time. I hope and waits for the day to come where  someone will really touch my heart and teach me how to feel again and make my inceptions new. Again I’m sorry for what I did to you Al Franco Adeja Ocampo. There will be no other you in my life. You are the first and life is just about to start. I wish for your happiness and success I hope to hear it soon. Thank you for making me feel wrong and right. For letting me realize things others cannot give and let live in me. For making me struggle hard to be a better person. For letting me saw what my mistakes are and how I could make it right. Please be strong enough for your own.

Ill just stay this way 'till my heart feels like doing so end 'till my mind can tolerate my foolishness with and for you.

[seominjiuniverse-blog]

a puzzle in a not so obvious abstract

Funny how I reiterated to myself and tried to express the roles I took part spending the days before now. Few days ago, I tried to be positive then came into a conclusion that human are greatly complexed invention of a divine being. People always tried to ask for things they never had. Of course as they saw it, they think that it’s the only missing thing in their lives and then concentrating to achieve it unconsciously or in deniably forgetting to appreciate what they already had. I know because I belong to the race.

I just conclude that life has its own tune, a music you need to feel and enjoy the rhythm and be glad dancing and humming with until your soles retired or voice be gone.

Frankly speaking, this is my first journal to be original, not that I always ctrl + c and ctrl +v but because of the endless rotation of our dwelling place to its axist, a lot of better people did it than I do. There’s no original composition. Maybe just your personal experiences. It may have common situations with others but still totally different. Like life has a lot of possibilities as compared to a ten-digit lock which have thousands of possible combination for it to open when you don’t know the password.

Dang! Just realized how I begin my third paragraph, I remember him again. the pain is still there. The water in me is rushing all over to be a drop of tear and see the world to be dried by air. nonsense? . The feeling is really inexplicable you’ll only have the chance to know when it’s you who’s already experiencing the state of being everything!

On my way home a while ago I was listening to the radio through my mp3 player and gotcha! time to get a bit of enlighten or wisdom from a DJ whom I have a sense of belonging. Maybe for the fact that Papa Jack and I felt and saw what world is in Manila, in a poor man’s university as they name it.

He is right again. Actually even if the situation of the caller who had a love problem doesn’t exactly fit to mine, I still find ways to relate my own dilemma or concern.(anyway 90.7 FM station here in RP is catering a ‘special’ service to the B,C,D  people of our society. From 10pm to 11pm if I’m not mistaken with the specifics, its is TLC program Tender Love and Care wherein Filipinos who can use a landline to call their hotline could share their problems about love nationwide to seek for the DJ’s advice.) what makes it entertaining is that it appeals so much to the mass because it is for them - for us.

To summarize what I comprehend to his words while I’m on a trip to anywhere is that It’s better to commit mistakes and learn from than staying safe all along trying to live a flawless life making it look like a perfect picture and not experiencing to get erase and re-draw again to form a the best art as practice make perfect. Actually akin na pala yan, but part of it is from him , I don’t know which exactly. And also the other when a love one abandoned you and you really can’t let go; “just be thankful that it was once yours. At least when you get old and can’t do anything at all but to sit on your rocking chair, you could at least reminisce for the good days that you spend with that someone. Your best days with that person no matter how long for as long as you’ve been given the chance to experience so.” I hope I made it right translating. That’s it. I really love Franco and all I can do now is wish for his happiness without me. Maybe it’s not our time yet. I don’t want to fool myself with false hope but I don’t want to cut the spirit of hoping and believing. As the song goes “Hope for the best and expect the worse”.

I actually can smile about it even laugh at it though those are all false and forced images of me. As much as I would like to, I don’t want people to worry about me like a child anymore, unlike before. Yeah, I’m one of those bloody-hell 'needy’ when it comes to attention and appreciation. I still do until now, it’s hard not especially if its one that is not with you.

Exhausting. it really is, whenever I wanted or try to convey what my thoughts and realization in life are, they all sprout out as if there’s a marathon of data in my head. I have a lot to say. I talk too much. Like before, no one still ever understand me the way I wanted. The way I see it in which I wanted them too. But I’m thankful to have people trying to understand me.

Just a few minutes ago, I really can say that I’m only seeing part of the picture and it’s cute to think how it’s that when I was only sixteen, my present problem already had the same problem I have right now with him. Well in fact that time of my life I was blissful starting a relationship with my first (informal) boyfriend which lasted for three years because of my immaturity and STUPIDITIES.

I laugh in my mind and felt more fortunate than others. While I am grieving for just a month or two, he’s been in pain for years and so.

Life is really a matter of choice. Life in general~everything that is possible! with it’s every aspects, you just need a bit of emotions from a vessel named heart to make mind decide to be a little bit nicer, softer , weaker than usual. But all is up to you, well if he chose to be imprisoned in his own desire to prove what he wanted to, I cannot oath to do like him so, I need to SAVE myself.

Dying alive is really an awful situation. But if we don’t experience failures we will not be able to grow for we won’t want anything more if everything is perfectly in place.

If its not him, then I’m bound to look elsewhere to see that someone meant to me is waiting to make ourselves happy ~ happiest.

LOVE hurts sometimes when you do it right. Every relationship is a trial and error.

DIE and be reincarnated people and bring on the lessons with you as you go along , as you move on. (MIRROR)

sacrifice is the true language of love, as much as I want him to be with  him I would like  it more to let him be happy the way he wants to be.

This is a lesson learned I would like to share with everybody.

*still have a lot of childish hopes and disappointments 'till now, but better keep going than be stuck in here forever and never try to discover and re-discover whatever*

~inspired by blogs ! blogs !

[seominjiuniverse-blog]

What I never had...

sorry for reposting it w/o permission. I just envy you. not just because I cant be as beautiful as you, as smart as you, and as lucky as you. You had and still have his heart. You have a little him a wonderful thing I wish I had even before the knowledge of losing him… I’m just, in love (pathethically)

a miracle

December 14th, 2006 by snatchmonkey

How can I deny God’s existence when I’m holding one of his many miracles in my arms? It’s easy to take the reproduction of life for granted when we see it around us all the time, but when it actually happens to you, you have to wonder how two flawed and pathetic souls can produce someone so perfect and pure as you look into your baby’s face.

I always feel this rush of overpowering love and protectiveness for Frank that I’ve never really felt before in my life. I look at him and I begin to understand more, and forgive my past, knowing that I will fight with my life on the line, to give him a secure future.

The fact that his life is in my hands has made me more and more aware how important every single decision I make, will be… how everything I do and don’t do will affect him.

I’m running against time, I feel I don’t have enough time to enjoy him or show him how much I love him because he grows and changes so quickly. I learn new things every day. He’s changed me so much in such a short span of time… something my own parents struggled ( sometimes failed) to do. He’s taught me to be disciplined, to be consistent, to be have unending patience, to be tireless….

I thought I had life all figured out until him.

Now I look at things in a different perspective. Now I look at things not as my old self would, but as a parent would. All because of this small bundle of miracle in my arms.

[seominjiuniverse-blog]

imprisoned in my own thoughts and emotion

Every night i talk to the stars pretending its him.. it acts just like him though - - far away and never replies to my questions that left me with no other option but to CRY. I cry for the time that he was almost mine I cry for the memories I’ve left behind I cry for the pain the lost the old that seems new I cry for the times I thought I had him. But the bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. He never was and he never will be mine. ’ Till now I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we had. But, I can’t because I know he won’t come after me, and I guess that’s what hurts the most Just living and breathing and trying not to die again …

[seominjiuniverse-blog]

he said, Friendwithbenefits. I said, Mutualintimacybond

Mutual Intimacy Bond. A theory made by a former friend of mine.

Friends with Benefits eventually lead to MIB.

Duping one another while taking a step forward and backward.

setting a side emotions to show people you are strong.

Pretending to be strong, responsible and KNOW-IT-ALL at the end.

~a freaking win or lose game (mostly lose-lose situation)

* I lose for I love . I knew it from the start. In the beginning I already saw the end yet I still tried my luck and now trying to be out and about(only trying) mostly crying

[seominjiuniverse-blog]

dropped bomb and ... END This will not be about sweet lies but the bitter truths I am with for a month and a half. 동안 : 알 파랑코 어캄포

Why is it whenever I hear anything about you – even a little, I always get the insane feeling of sadness as if nothing else matter now because I don’t have you anymore? Why does my heart couldn’t break away loving you so much when everything else does? Why do I feel like time has no plan of giving me my due to get over you? The love ‘we’ had was never meant to be and never mine to begin with. At first I’m the one who’s hesitating for the uncertainty of hurting you when you already feel for me and did let you know how vulnerable I can foresee myself will be. Then after pretending to be having a Friends With Benefits relationship with you, everything seems like a huge puzzle and every time I dance tango all you did is do the chacha.. We never were in harmony when it comes to our SEASON OF EMOTION towards each other. We always think the same but act differently. I just can’t understand what really happened between us … How and why we came to this - - not seeing each other for almost 50 days when we once constantly seeing each other before every day or every other day. Like I felt that even if we’re not with each other, you’re still with me in everything I do and everywhere I go. Was there ever an ‘us’ to begin with? We were just friends. Even until now it made me smile to think how fast and how far things had gone. I can still remember it all. We started on the end of the month of January where we had dinner with some of the girls of Tin at Pizza Hut where you gave me that leaning tower of Pisa tumbler. (Yeah leaning tower of pizza as I call it) I know you really want it too :) Then we had few shots and drove home. (my first again after being celibate for a half year). Then we started seeing each other as often as we could amidst the conflict in our schedule..(you are the night guy and im the day girl). I finally had the chance to visit your place in Quezon City and you showered me with bunch of good memories I can’t seem to let go. (goku, joillibee , mcdo, pizza hut, red ribbon, sisig house, philcoa, mega mall, racks , medical city , sitel , choco mucho, chocolate sundae, chicken fillet, cavite, Fort bonifacio taguig aircon bus, aircon bus to SM fairview, MOA , sunset, puerto galera, mini cake, Julia Vargas , Dolce, Vans, KFC , a , f , c , o ,fitness first , i dont wanna miss a thing song , trinoma, pao tsin, 09168440400 , mr.bean , novaliches , bosay, aguinaldo , hypermarket , at marami pang iba) those are just few. There’s a lot more that you seem to be the only part of my world and everything and everywhere I go leads me back to you. What we had was never formalized. Nothing clarified nor explicitly admitted. We were playing mind games all the way. I even never knew if you do love me back (not after my friend told me that you did confess to her). I’m too late. You seemed to have change you’re mind already. I wanted to talk, clear things up either to make it as vivid as modern technology or to empty everything that’s inside. But you didn’t want to. Everything fell on deaf ears of yours and every word you want to say to explain for trying to make me feel better got instantaneously muted. I thought it was better to keep my silence – to give you the space I thought you needed. But even in the times that I didn’t say anything … I know and I’m sure that I love you. I loved and still love you even after now. I’m tired of this bout without any enemy, just a love that already lived its moment. I’m exhausted of living with just memories of you and me – the ones that are special only to me. I’m sorry things have to come to this. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you after all. But even if everything got so painful, I’m still glad to have known you, to have had you in my life even for a short while. A friend said that while some good things never last, others don’t even start. - - I guess this fits us exactly. We could have been good together – for each other but since we never really gave ourselves a chance (I mean you never gave yourself) , things already ended before they even began. I must admit, you probably won’t too far away from my thoughts – and that thinking of you will still bring that tinge of sadness and regret. But it’s okay. I’m supposed to be and I needed to. I’ll just try to concentrate on healing the unseen wounds of mine and making myself complete on my own (for the moment you came into my life, you completed it and brought me to senses I never knew I had). Hopefully when someone better comes (I wish to had forget you that time) , I’ll be able to give myself to him as I would have wanted to give to you. But after this episode I couldn’t see. You could never tell the next thing life could be. Why am I on your front door? Of course I do hope that you will open the door and have a peek on me – that somehow you missed me and wanted to see me. But that’s not all, I know you knew our history well – its something between the two of us, just the two of us created and can solve. I’m tired of just calling you out so I finally decided to come to you. I know what I wanted and that is you. I never will force you but today (supposedly) I’m trying my luck. I won’t be forever young so the only choice left for me is to hope for the best and still keep expecting the worse to happen today (supposedly). The only plan is to see you and apologize for the wrong decisions I’ve made and to hear from you on what to do. Life without you after being with you is like living a dead’s life. Nothing is comprehensible or rational. It’s like picture of yours and memories of us is fixated in front of my eyes and plays over and over again. Even when I look with the appearance of myself in the mirror, all I can see is you (once, my face is the one that you’re looking at and making fun things with). When I look at my hands, it’s like a piece of something is missing (coz there’s your hand idled when were together before). Every letter that your name has always leads me back to you. It’s like I couldn’t be happy anymore without the corny jokes that you have told me. I know I love you as much as I inhale and exhale every day. That with every blink of my eyes you are being on my thoughts. Since you are gone all I have is a heavy sigh. I can’t make my life normal again. Everything is so confusing. I hate myself for complaining those things to you but then lately I realized, those are the things that I would like to live and aged with forever. That your imperfections are unconsciously making my every single second reach perfection. For the last time to save myself from burning to death while still on the earth, I love you and all I want is to be with you ‘till our hair turn white and till my heart could still beat and while I breathe. I hope that we face our troubles together) two is better than one as they say). It’s up to you if you’ll gonna make my dreams come true. For sure even after this, I won’t be over you but I’ll not include you in mine anymore. I am a dreamer and if you wake me up, its my dream you take. You cannot break my spirit that’s in heat and longing for you. I know it’s too early to push this but I can feel everyday without you is like living to die eternally. Today, I’m decided to stand for my love for you. This letter is for emergency purposes, that in case you wouldn’t like to talk to me, at least I say everything for this leap of faith of mine. A big thank you for ALL. For making me feel better, at my best and at my worse. I owe everything to what you did. the good and the bad one. I hope to be still part of yours though. Still, pages of this aren’t enough to say it all. I might talk too much because I can’t scream to the world that it’s you whom I loved and how happy am I to carry the burdens that you gave.