shannylee3143-blog

[shannylee3143-blog]

"Behindness"

Living with chronic illness has definitely been a challenge. Beyond the daily pain in my joints that I face, among many other symptoms, is the depression and anxiety. It's like a cloud that follows me. The idea that seems to be my trigger for anxiety and depression is my "behindness" in life. I see everyone doing all of these good things with their lives, moving forward. Here I am moving backward. I just went part time at work, I'm still living at home and now I'll be even more reliant on my parents. It's like I am totally reverting back to my teenage years. It's extremely discouraging. I want to use my degree in biology, I want to explore the world, I want to be independent, and hell, I want to go out and get drunk and dance the night away. But right now, I don't have that luxury. I have to see the good in my situation. I'm lucky enough to have parents that want to help me and give me this support. I'm lucky enough to have a boyfriend that lifts me up when I feel like I'm drowning. With this support system, my healing can begin. So thank you "behindness", let this be my new start.

#chronic illness #chroniclyme #lyme disease

[shannylee3143-blog]

Perfectionism gone bad

I've never been the type of person who completes a project. My life has consisted of me starting something, realizing it is not turning out as I had pictured in my head, and quitting. My half-projects are lying all over the house: my half-finished scarf, the partial drawing, and the unfinished painting. My brain craves more creativity in my life but my brain thinks too elaborately. I think up these extravagant, beautiful drawings or paintings or whatever, and my body and abilities can't reproduce the thought. It's overwhelmingly frustrating. I have always wished that I was good at one thing, and known for that thing. And then I live my life driven by social pressures to be good at something also. The world basically tells you that you either need to have a talent or be extremely beautiful. I have neither. Perfectionism is not good for me, my worst trait even, because it keeps me from finishing my projects. I'm embarrassed that I'm not what the world wants me to be, what I want me to be.

#perfectionisdespair #overcoming perfectionism

[shannylee3143-blog]

Not big enough

My soul It feels so big But not big enough To fill the hole in my chest.

My mind Has so many big plans and ideas But not big enough To change my path.

My body Has such big potential But not big enough To push through the chronic fatigue To change my path To fill the hole in my chest.

SM

[shannylee3143-blog]

Truth. Always the fear of people thinking that I fake my illness.

People who say, “You talk about your illness for attention.”

No, I talk about this illness to raise awareness about an illness that is destroying people’s lives. 

I talk about this illness and share all my experiences to raise awareness.

I don’t want attention because my health sucks. I rather get attention for other things, for doing great things that help others.