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Knowledge is empowering

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I think I’m going to think about this youtube comment forever

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Apples are so fucked up you can get two from the same pile ans one tastes more like an apple than anything youve ever eaten and the other tastes like water poisoned by pharaohs

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holy shit is this gorgeous.

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I don’t have time to draw it right now but while driving home from the winco I saw a happy mustached man pedaling a bike, towing a cart built to look like a chariot, inside of which stood what I can only imagine was his completely expressionless 13 year old in a makeshift corinthian helmet

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if you told vin diesel fast and the furious you were gay he'd be like "Some people like driving stick…some people like driving automatic…what matters is you cross the finish line.." and then he'd rev up a dodge challenger and drive through a building and kill 16 people

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J Lo and I have actually been enemies in every life cycle for thousands of years. Every time I see her I get flashbacks to when I was a horseshoe crab and she was a scientist.

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at a lesbian bar wearing a vampire costume: I vish to eat your puvsy *my plastic fangs slip out of my mouth and into someone’s drink* *I cry and pull the fire alarm before running out*

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I can totally get behind an elf or half-elf Kravitz, but in my heart he's human, because I like to imagine something like:

alive, pre-reaper young adult Kravitz who's been reading too many romance novels: "I just want a beautiful and handsome elf boy to sweep me off my feet... and of course romantically grieve me when I, a human, inevitably grow old and perish in his arms... perhaps even fling himself into my grave..."

Kravitz several centuries later, indeed dating an unfathomably long-lived hot elf boy who is nevertheless the less immortal one in their relationship: "hmm. interesting."

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Daydream

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mysterious pink haired girl I'm playing games with at a friend's birthday party: I thought you'd be better at this when they hyped you up as such a good player. I'm not losing by that much

me, trying to find out what button combination leads to me licking her face in their bathroom: I'm not using my full power because I'm still analyzing your movements. you know, like Goku

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I need to [remembers I shouldn't make suicide jokes] join a whaling crew

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does anybody else remember that reality show where they gaslit a bunch of americans into thinking they were competing to marry prince harry but it was really just some guy

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twitter's bot problem has gotten out of hand