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vaguely suicidal + absolutely furious at every single one of nicks friends + kind of just want to sleep a lot and not have to manage everything

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good news everyone: my new meds are fully not working

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me: what if im not actually gay and just pretending for clout

watching costuming videos where the lady is wearing a sheer chiton with nothing underneath: 😳🫣😵‍💫🥰😮😰😳

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well. chores neyenz can do is now down to "dishes, and only if the sink is empty, and nothing is on them that they dont like" so. thats good.

#neurodivergence truly is a sonofabitch

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okay well im fully having a panic attack now

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baby brother called me to catch up (havent spoken in 5 years) im trying to decide how long to wait before telling him im a lesbian now

#also the desire to just invite him to come live with me so i can help him get a ged and a good job is so strong #like please let me make up for all the ways i let you down by running away

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hung out with The Baby™️ last night while he wasnt feeling good and for the very first time did not dissociate when he started crying! neyenz thinks this is because im starting to overwrite childhood memories. i think its because when he cries his mom sings to him and that happens to help me too. but truly who's to say!

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that glumshoe post tho. yeah.

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god why does this shit have to be such a fucking nightmare

#we continue to have the worst insurance in the state of kentucky

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getting ready to take neyenz to the doctor for a [redacted] appointment and fully having a panic attack

#i know that it cant be my fault but i scheduled the appointment so if it goes bad im gonna blame myself #i hate living in ky #you should be able to get [redacted] from any vending machine this is bullshit

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i bought a french press and a milk frother and was really looking forward to making myself a fancy latte to go with my avacado toast this morning so i could pretend to be bougie while studying before d&d and i was really excited but neyenz didnt sleep last night which means im gonna have to spend the next two-ish hours getting them to bed and then i wont have time to do anything else and i know its really selfish and shitty but im grumpy about it. i hate how little of my time belongs to me.

#like the obvious solution is to stop assuming ill have free time on weekend mornings #because that very rarely happens #like this is 100% a me problem #im such an asshole

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trying to exist in the very weird space of believing things that i know to be true that are in direct conflict with my own experiences

people with mental health issues are more likely to be the victims of violent crime than the perpetrators of it (my dads mental health issues made him violent)

people with mental health issues need to be treated like adults with bodily autonomy and should be allowed to choose when and if they take medication, especially antipsychotics (my dad did not hurt me when he was medicated. whenever he went off his meds, he did.)

it is better to keep children in their homes, among their own culture and community, rather than removing them and placing them in (white, christian) foster homes. every effort should be made to fix household issues by offering resources and services before children are removed (my dad violently rejected any and all attempts at help from outsiders, and if he suspected we were responsible in some way for help having been offered, he would punish us. we were still never forcibly removed)

having mental health issues does not inherently make you unfit to parent (my dad was unfit to parent)

i feel weird about ideologies that seem content to cast me as an unfortunate bit of collateral (i know that the people who are centered in these conversations are for more likely to actually become collateral, and are already treated as such)

#ive circled back around to feeling very weird and isolated and uncomfortable on my dash

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god i am really hanging on to the bisexuality by the skin of my teeth

#there was almost certainly a time in my life when i was attracted to men but it sure as hell aint now #like cis dudes are just OUT for me at this point #you either gotta be a woman or doing something weird and fun with your gender or it does nothing for me

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i need to say this or ill scream

i have no real way of knowing if calling anything i experience a "flashback" is like. psychologically sound. but its the best way ive found to make sense of like. my general state.

i dont like it when people touch me. it gives me flashbacks. i think in a lot of ways thats totally normal - very innocuous touches from acquaintances and such remind you of previous instances of being loved, comforted, desired. it makes being touched good, even if the specific touch isnt, pre se.

when someone touches me - innocently, kindly, comfortingly, lovingly - i remember being pushed, prodded, moved, thrown, hit.

my dad had a number of games he really enjoyed. beached whale, where he flopped on top of us like a dead body. foot bink, where hed grab our feet and tickle us by biting our arches lightly. the timeless classic, picking us up and tossing us on a couch or bed from halfway across the room. kids love that shit! i have a vague, faint memory of liking it. at some point, i stopped liking it. being grabbed threw my heart into my throat, made me feel like i was choking, like i was being dragged into a pit. being thrown made me feel like i was hurtling through the air to my death.

and it generalized, at some point. being hugged made me feel like i was being subsumed, crushed, eaten. when i am pulled gently the voice in my head screams and i have to fight down the tiny animal instinct telling me to run for my life.

sometimes theres tactile stuff. nick pulls me across the bed and i feel carpet and my nails dig desperately for the leg of a chair.

usually there isnt tho.

usually someone holds me and i am 7 years old and keeping very still, waiting for it to be over. usually someone bumps into me and im 5 and trying to stay still to avoid drawing attention. usually, nick touches my thigh and im 8 and im crying and begging pleasenopleasenopleaseno even though i know it wont make it stop. usually i am crying and nick asks whats wrong and im a child being told to stop being dramatic or im going to make it worse.

nick asks me to tell them where to touch me and i am a child being asked to pick a stick, to pick a body part, to name a number and if i choose too low ill get the maximum instead. i am a child and i am being asked to participate in my own destruction and there is no way out.

they ask "is this okay" and hes screaming "are you happy now? is this what you wanted?"

my body is an object, a thing that is taken and passed and manipulated and then given back to me and i have no choice but to live in it. i am selfish and grotesque and stingy and frigid and i wish i wish i wish i wish i could just be held and not be 6 and hiding hiding hiding under blankets tables chairs bushes

this sucks

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i want to complain about atheist attitudes towards jews and i also want to not argue.

i wish it was like. reasonable to say. hey calling for the elimination of a group i am part of, even if you dont mean it in a nazi way, still fucking sucks.

like. fuck. idk man! fuck off i guess? its actually fine if not every single human being on earth thinks and believes exactly like you do and that doesnt make them stupid and illogical and bad, youre just a fucking asshole.

#I DONT WANT TO DEFEND THIS POINT IN FRONT OF A FUCKING JURY I JUST WANT YOU TO SHOW A BASIC FUCKING LEVEL OF RESPECT #SHUT THE FUCK UP

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i find hedspace hotel tedious but i find some of my mutuals responses to them far more so

#edit: uhhh did not mean to tag a random blog in this??? sorry if you can still see this

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okay so todays been a Bad Sensory Day™️ fro. the start so thats almost certainly part of it but man im. im hanging out with babu and its like. okay i definitely dont want kids because apparently they do not have a secret ninja ability to bypass my brain worms the sensory experience of an unhappy child does in fact still make me want to rip my hair out when im not at 100%.

also, friend was holding him while he was crying and said "oh youre wonderful, i love you so much, even when youre not easy to love. its hard being small! your job is to grow and eat and get taken care of and thats a lot when you're brand new" and i just straight up started crying.

#imagine your parents still loving you when you cry or get sick or act difficult #literally couldnt be me