si-y-am

[si-y-am]

Unperceived.

abuse in every walks of life.

It's crucial to address what unfolded on a day that holds joyful memories for them but remains a source of distress for me. I've struggled to overcome the events of that day over the past several months.

Before delving into the specifics, I should mention that I was informed I was the backup option in case someone canceled. While they did make me feel appreciated and included, there were signs I chose to overlook.

The evening before the wedding, groom's men are invited to sleep at the hotel since the call time is earlier for the photoshoot and other bullshit they need to do to fulfill their role. So everyone decided to have me on the hotel with M because I was mainly the reason he was hesitating to come with them.

The wedding day.

Woke up at 04:30 in the morning to prepare M's things for the photoshoot, woke him up to take a shower and get ready, I prepared almost everything for him before myself. The plan was to bring me home after I prepare him for what it is he's supposed to do, so his Tiya picked me up to go home and get ready. We arrived home and they started telling me what to do and where things are supposed to go, the people are busy preparing for the wedding and I was too.

A few hours to the wedding, the make-up artist arrived for us, guests.

Everyone lined up.

I was at M's small room, staring at a blank space and thinking why would he ever allow to leave me in a small dark place, crying like my candy was taken and starting to crumple from crying like that?

I have never cried that hard in my life. I bawled my eyes out as if my life was taking from me.

I felt insecure.

I felt unseen.

I felt abused.

I felt like I didn't wanna show up.

I told M that I didn't wanna show up, he asked me not to do what I was planning to do despite of the pain I experienced from his family.

I endured.

Stood straight and went on to the wedding ceremony, had the courage to even participate.

But even if I felt abused and stepped on,

I chose to be kind.

And I always did for the next three weeks at his house.

[si-y-am]

Kiss, 1897 - Edvard Munch

[si-y-am]

Something I'm tired of talking about

Hey. Been a while, I guess?

I haven't been a writer for a long time but I've been a mother, a girlfriend, a wife, an artist and a friend but never did I became a priority, especially to you.

For the longest time of begging you to please, defend my ass every damn time someone tries to destroy me, you always tell me that you can't recognize it, you always overlook it.

I've tried my best to understand you in everyway possible, capability to understand, your reasons, things that somehow makes more sense. I'll always admit that I'm not a perfect partner but I tried my best to look out for you, to defend your name in every fucking situations. I always knew you were special and I was right but little did I know that I also overlooked that you treat me like shit. I've always been so blind to EVER think of you being like this but realizing all this bullshit that has been happening...

It's clear. I know where I belong. I know where I stand and I definitely know what to expect and that's enough reason to leave. Believe me, I tried leaving too.

I've gone weary of this relationship, for all the things that I have done to improve you as an individual, this is my limit.

And to Morrice,

I wanted to take a moment to express some of the thoughts and emotions that have been weighing heavily on my heart lately. Please know that this letter comes from a place of love and a desire to communicate, not to hurt or accuse.

Over the course of our relationship, I have found myself grappling with a growing sense of sadness and disappointment. It has become increasingly clear to me that I don't feel prioritized or defended when it comes to your interactions with your friends. I understand that friends are an essential part of life, and I would never ask you to compromise your relationships. However, I had hoped that in our partnership, we would be each other's advocates and champions, especially when the need arises.

There have been moments when I've felt as though I'm left to fend for myself in social situations, where I could have used your support. It hurts to think that, in those instances, it appears you prioritize the opinions of your friends over the emotional well-being of our relationship. Please understand that I don't expect you to side with me blindly, but a simple show of support and understanding would mean the world to me.

I want our relationship to be a sanctuary, a place where we can rely on each other for love, comfort, and protection against the outside world. I long for the feeling that we are a team, that we have each other's backs, and that our bond is unshakable. Right now, it feels like that trust has been eroded, and I'm left feeling vulnerable and alone.

I know that it's not easy to balance the expectations of friends and partners, but it is my sincerest hope that we can find a way to prioritize each other's feelings, especially when it comes to matters that affect our relationship.

I will give you the absolute best and the whole damn world if I can, all I ask in return is for you to treat me the way I wanted to be treated and defend me.

But it's honestly too late, I'm so tired of having to explain that you HAVE to defend me or even love me.

[si-y-am]

This is an open letter to the ones he once loved but took advantage of him.

Alam n'yo, putang ina n'yo. Alam nyo kasing mabait s'ya, na kaya nyang mag patawad nang walang limitasyon, kaunting pasensya at lambing n'yo lang, okay na ulit s'ya. Hindi lahat ng bagay na ginagawa n'yo ayos lang dahil "s'ya naman 'yan"

putang ina n'yo, galit ako sainyo. kahit hindi ako marunong magalit kahit kanino at ano mang sitwasyon, dito, galit ako. Putang ina ng pambabasura n'yo sa taong merong pinaka malinis na intensyon.

Hindi n'yo lang s'ya ti-nake advantage, yung innocence n'ya sa mga bagay. Pinagmukha n'yo lang s'yang tanga.

Hindi 'to para, "mag move on ka na, tapos na." ulol!

Ginawa n'yong tanga yung taong mahal ko ngayon, kahit hindi ako naging parte kung ano mang meron kayo, may karapatan akong magalit sa kung sino at ano man ang naka argabyado sa taong mahal ko.

Isang malaking pakyu sayo, Belle, Jem, Gabbo, Neem, at kung sino mang deputa.

[si-y-am]

It's easy to fall in love but it's hard to stay in love.

On the first months of dating, I had the most common and normal experiences such as butterflies on my stomach, cute moments and some moments that are meant to be kept. I thought it was wonderful and special, took me months to notice that we no longer match or, did we ever?

Now, when I finally say good bye to you, you'd beg me to stay, that you'll do anything for me, for us. That you will change, that you will make things up. But you never really did, for all the months that I endured during our relationship, I never thought that I would come to the point where I can look at you like it's nothing, like you're some sort of friend for me. For months of you, begging for everything to happen, I somehow forced myself to actually stay in love, I thought it's a good initiative to do and to fix most of our problems. That when I finally stay in love, I would tolerate you and I would just accept your repeated mistakes. But no,

In the long run, it haunted me, it made me realize how much I wanna get out of our relationship more than ever, I always felt like I'm staying for nothing and now that I have the guts and courage to finally walk away from you and never look back to everything again even if we had a lot of memories and challenges together, I'd rather go on my own and look at you as a lesson.

The saddest part is, I've always looked at you as my husband and my partner in life, I always have the heart to look forward to our future that we have this little family that we built over time and I really hoped for it to happen. I wasn't kidding when I said I love you, in fact, I gave my heart the first time I told you that.

Now, I can look at you in your eyes and think that, that face will be a memory for me, and I'm no longer terrified of that. I'm no longer scared that you're just gonna be a memory for me. That's when I knew I'm ready to leave.

I said I don't believe in fell out of love, I hope it's not a case of it but whatever the reason is, I fell in love with myself more without you.

I outgrew you.

[si-y-am]

[si-y-am]

it's a pivotal moment when you're finally tired of your own shit

[si-y-am]

Crossed the line you never thought you would. You can't go back, bitch.

A year before, a situationshit came unexpectedly at a time where I felt tired of my own shit. I accepted as expected. Hanging out every month became every week to almost everyday. It developed, as anticipated. Became a serious relationship that no one would expect because of how fast it came and how shocked the people around us when the news broke to the public. It was something everyone thought was beautiful and wonderful as they thought it would be. As time goes by, minding our own business, having this almost perfect relationship that we build from nothing to something. Everything changed when the other one changed. Someone gets tired and someone chases, as always right?

No one wanna waste their time with someone who will soon leave.

I was happy in my own little world, minding my own business, fixing my own shit, dealing with problems I caused.

Little did I know, I'd be this hurt giving someone a chance.

Iconic. You were the one who came and broke my heart but I'm supposed to fix something I didn't break.

And funny how I've been fixing my heart before you came but you never helped me with it, instead, you made it worse for me.

[si-y-am]

Gayne.

A heart that once beat as one Now shattered into pieces undone The love that once burned so bright Has dimmed, faded into the night

Tears flow like a river, never-ending As memories of us keep descending The laughter and joy we once knew Now replaced by a pain that's true

The promises we made, now broken Words left unspoken, hearts left unopened A love that once felt so right Has faded away like a star in the night

We said our goodbyes, it's over now But the pain and hurt linger somehow I'll pick up the pieces and move on Though the memories will never be gone

So I say farewell to what we had Though it hurts, I'll no longer be sad I'll find love that's meant to be And finally set my heart free.

[si-y-am]

[si-y-am]

[si-y-am]

wishful thinking

[si-y-am]

Pagmamahal na pilit mong sinusuka sa kadahilanang natikman mo ang pait nung huli mo itong matikman.

Ngunit lingit sa'yong kaalaman na ito'y iba na ang timpla.

[si-y-am]

Creating something beautiful and being able to keep it.

[si-y-am]

Everyday mood

[si-y-am]

Palagi nating sinasabi sa sarili natin na ang bilis. Madalas mabilis ang nangyayari at wala tayong panahon para mabigla dahil akala natin, normal lang 'yon. Ilang beses na nangyari sa'kin ang mabilis na pag dating ng pagmamahal o ng mga taong hindi ko alam na sa pagtagal ng panahon ay aalagaan at pahahalagahan ko nang ganito. Akala ko na ang mabilis na pag mamahal ay normal lang sa panahon ngayon dahil nga tingin ng lahat, matatapos na ang mundo o wala na tayong oras para magmahal pa kung sa paanong paraan natin gusto. Kaya patuloy nalang nating tinatanggap kung ano ang handog sa'tin ng mundo. Pagmamahal na hindi minamadali, hindi pinipilit. Para sa'kin, mas masarap mahalin yung taong naging kaibigan mo muna. Yung taong naibigan mo muna bago mo mahalin. Makikita mo kung paano s'ya makitungo bilang kaibigan, kung paano s'ya mag alaga nang walang namamagitan sainyo. Makikita mo yung natural na pagiging maalaga't mapagmahal n'ya.

Pagmamahal na hindi basta basta. Matiyaga kang mamahalin nang dahan dahan, mabagal at sigurado. Pag dating sa mabgal na pag mamahal, naguugat ng mga maliliit na detalye tungkol sa isa't isa na unti unti nating binubuo bilang magkasangga. Natural mong nararamdaman na parang bahagi na kung paano dumadaloy ang dugo mo sa buong katawan mo, walang presyon, kalmado at walang inaalala. Pagmamahal na inaaral ka, 'pag galit ka. 'pag malungkot ka, 'pag may problema ka. Pagmamahal na unti unting tinatanggap at minamahal yung mga parte mong hindi mo mahal. Dahan dahan na pag aalaga. Hindi 'to tungkol sa kung ilang oras, segundo, minuto, araw, buwan o taon na kayong magkasama, tungkol 'to sa kung paano kayo patuloy na nagmamahal. Unti unti kong hihilumin yung mga parte mong hirap ka parin tanggapin, at kahit sa mahabang panahon na lumipas at lilipas, susubukan kong aralin pa rin kung paano makitungo sa'yo.

[si-y-am]

no matter the depth, i will dive and go up with you.