sikesk

[sikesk]

this is completely random, but i just need some kind of advice or just any at all for my situation if i’m right now because i’m to a point where i’m completely stuck and don’t know what to do.

i’m so lost and confused and have no idea what to do about this but i’m so tired of being alone. like i miss cuddles and slipping onto someone’s lap/vice versa and i miss the gentle and passionate kisses. i miss coming home exhausted and just being able to fall asleep with a partner. i miss being in love. i miss talking to someone every day MORE than just friends. i just want love dude. but at the exact same fucking time i’m so scared and if someone made a move with me i would be absolutely terrified and scared to open up to loving again yet i would be craving it so badly. it’s like i wanna throw myself into love so bad because of how much i just want it to happen for me again but my brain keeps yanking at me and forcing me to keep my walls up instead of lowering them and telling me to never open up again because it’ll just end in pain and i don’t know how to break it. my trust issues are so fucked up that it’s seriously starting to affect my daily life. and then every night i imagine having a lover and i just sit here and cry over it because i’m always only welcomed by cold bed sheets and with the haunting and heartbreaking thought in my mind that love simply isn’t for me and that i’m just meant to be alone and i’m just desperate/the feelings aren’t real. but i know they are.

i don’t know how to fix this and i’m way too scared to seek professional help for it but i have no idea to handle this on my own. looking back on it, i’ve never truly had someone (more than friends) that’s cared about me. why? because they always left me or got bored or something. my ex treated me good for a little while and then that slowly disappeared and turned into something absolutely unimaginable that truly wrecked my life and my entire outlook on my future. and yes i know it’s bad to be hung up on this and yes i know it’s probably me feeding on these bad thoughts because i don’t know what else to believe. i really don’t think there’s that someone out there for me. my teen romance phase already feels completely over.

i’m not even going to be a teenager for long and it makes me so fucking sick that the only ‘teen romance’ story i have is my abominable ex who ruined absolutely everything including me. i don’t have a bubbly fun teenage story to share. i don’t have friends to hang out with. i don’t have a partner that loves me and appreciates me and is there for me. i don’t have parents that give a single fuck about me. the only stories i have from being a teenager are me being extremely depressed, alone, unhappy, and insecure. heartbroken on top of it all. i just hate it.

i know that my life is mine and i can change it how i want but i feel like whatever happens is whatever happens. i cant really change it. and i definitely cant just go back in time and fix myself and make my parents good and take away my anxiety and crippling depression and fear of being alone for the rest of my life. i would take it all away and i find myself constantly wondering what kind of person i would be today if i didn’t go through everything i have. if my parents actually cared about me and loved me right. if my ex didn’t abuse me. if ‘friends’ i had didnt turn into assholes because of one sided stories. if i didnt have anxiety that made it scary and insanely difficult to do ANYTHING.

…anyone got any advice?? i’m seriously between a rock and hard place

#advice plz