sixgoldensuns

[sixgoldensuns]

Quarter Life Crisis

I turned 25 today. I think I actually hate celebrating my birthday now.  

Growing up, birthdays were such a big thing for me. It was that one day out of the 365 days of a year that I felt special. I have had so many good, memorable birthdays and that was my first mistake, I think, expecting that this magical feeling of being loved and treasured would happen, year after year. 

As I grow up, I realised that everybody becomes time-poor. Things like birthdays matter less, and start to fade into the background. I start to feel unimportant too. I ask myself- “Am I fading into the background too?” I do hate myself for feeling this way. I really do. 

[sixgoldensuns]

Sabbath: January

Lidcombe, Lazy Cat Cafe, Ice Chocolate

Dear God, January has been such a good month and I’m not sure if it would be so if I got to dictate it. I had plan to maximise whatever time I had in Australia and wanted to keep myself busy all through the two years. I planned to do a placement in this block of time, and prayed hard that I would be allocated something. But as time passed, disappointment grew, then came a bitter acceptance. But You knew I desperately needed this break, as much as I tried to deny it and power through. I am reminded that your thoughts are better than my thoughts, and your ways better than my ways (Isaiah 55:8-9).

This month, above all, I am thankful for the time that I got to spend with Jules. We might never get another chance to spend this great chunk of time together like we did over this break once work and school come into play. I think it’s really nice how You’ve allowed us different experiences and phases in our relationship, and grown us individually and as a couple. We had a little taste of long distance relationship when I was in Broken Hill and Singapore, then I returned to Sydney and we saw each other almost everyday of the week and then now, learning to love and commit to each other while juggling work and school. Despite all the changes and transitions, You have remain faithful to both of us, and we are learning to persevere in our commitment to glorify and honor you in whatever we do.

This month is such a big month for us, because I met so many people in Jule’s life, who were important to him. And thankfully, there weren’t any major hiccups! The introvert in me was no doubt struggling and completely tuckered out by the end of it but everybody has been so excited, warm and welcoming. I am also grateful and comforted knowing that so many people will be walking alongside us in our relationship, providing godly wisdom, especially given the unique circumstances that we will be placed in soon enough.

We’ve also gotten lots of alone time together; to idle and to talk about the small and big things in life. We even got to spend a whole entire weekend away getting sunkissed (or sunroasted, in my case) in Jervis Bay with our friends!  There’s still much to learn and discover about each other, and I am looking forward to spending more time, and doing more things on the list with this amazing partner.

I made a New Year’s Resolution to finish reading the New Testament, and right now I am still getting through Matthew. My new study bible has been really helpful in pointing out the cross references in the old testament, understanding what Jesus meant when he said something, and thinking through what it means for me to be a Christian today. I see how Jesus was constantly challenged and rejected by people, yet he persists and remain compassionate. He continued to provide for people through healing and miraculously making food appear. Jesus was faithful to the work that he was called to do. He was eager and passionate for people to hear and receive God, but so many, like the Pharisees were so hard in their heart. They relied on their knowledge and what they have known, that they were blinded to the Messiah as he stood and spoke before them. Even his disciples, had their moments of doubt and wavered in faith. I wonder if Jesus stood before me, if I would be as quick to dismiss him as the pharisees did. I pray that you would examine my heart, and help me discern what is of this world and what is not.

This month, I also finished Timothy Keller’s book, Every Good Endeavour. It talks about work and what it means to live out our faith through our work. This book came into my life unexpectedly. I walked in to the bookstore, took a quick glance and decided it would be useful information for me to know. I did not expect it to change the way I see and conceived of work, and yet, it did. I learnt that we were designed to work, and to enjoy work, as You did when you created the world. I learnt that we are called to serve the world as you commanded us to love our neighbour. I learnt that because of our sin, work will be frustrating and difficult, yet I rest in the comfort in knowing that whatever I envision but cannot carry through, by your grace, I will see the beauty of its completion in the New Jerusalem. And this is freedom. I am no longer hung up about how much money I earn, nor the prestige of my work. It is an offering to you, with all that you have given unto me. As someone who is completely dedicated to my work, may the biblical truths in the book guide me such that I would not be lost in the abyss of mindless working, but to remember that I am secure in You and You alone.

I also picked up the book because I wanted to understand how I may be able to encourage Jules as he returns to work, and thinks about his future. May he actually read the short summary infographic that I prepared for him, and that it would give him wisdom when he needs it. May I also be able to provide godly wisdom, that is from You.

Overall, January has been such a busy, but also restful month. May I continue to rest in your unchanging grace, and to know that you are a wonderful and faithful God that I can trust, through all the seasons in my life.

[sixgoldensuns]

Murphy’s Law

It seems like everything is working against me.

In the first week, I did not understand how the car’s immobilizer worked and I couldn’t get my car to start- twice. Stranded, I sent it to the nearest mechanic and had to get it serviced. “That’s okay”, I told myself. “It’s probably for the best to make sure everything is fine”. $200. Then I was told that I needed to send it to another mechanic to get the air conditioner checked out because they couldn’t do it. So I did- I sent my car to the OTHER mechanic and it turned out that it would cost a fortune to get it fixed up. Defeated, I spent the three weeks driving in Broken Hill’s 41 degree summer heat. I remember there was once it was so hot that I only had about four fingers on my steering wheels the whole time. 

In the second week, I developed a sharp, radiating pain in my right foot that was so painful it woke me up at night. I had no panadol with me and the pharmacy was closed. “Oh great”, I sighed and grit through it. I had a peek into a life where I lived with chronic pain. As my tiredness overpowered my pain, I tried to make light of the situation, thinking “Guess God likes me fat. So much for being healthy and going for a run!”.  When I finally cobbled to the GP the next morning, I was told to get an ultrasound to find out what was wrong. When I made my way to the radiologist, I was told I had to wait a day to get an appointment to do the scan. I survived on painkillers to get through the day. When I finally got in to do the scan, I was told that I had to wait at least a week to get an appointment with the doctor to review the scan. “No wonder mortality rates are so much lower!”, I muttered under my breath and I continued to limp everywhere. I lamented about how much I missed Singapore and Sydney and the relative efficiency of the healthcare system. Thankfully, by God’s grace, it resolved itself in a few days. 

In my third week, I haven’t gotten any notice of my placement allocation and started to worry. I sent an e-mail enquiry and was told that if I haven’t already been allocated, the chance of being allocated would be “unlikely”. This made it difficult to plan and move my life forward. I made a choice to shift myself into the semester, albeit not my first choice, and comforted my heart that it meant I would be able to spend more time with family.  I also tried to sell my car off this week. Within seconds of posting up an ad for my car, someone enthusiastically replied. She seemed genuine and sincere. It was a lovely, middle-aged couple, who wanted to buy a car for their son. They came to view the car, and asked if it was okay if I could put it on hold for 24 hours and for them to get a mechanic to check it out. “Of course!”, I replied. Anything for a sincere buyer. When he returned my keys, I asked, “How was the car?” and my heart sank when he said, “Unfortunately, we wouldn’t be purchasing it.” He proceeded to point out all of the flaws in the car. He was really kind and nice about it, reassuring that it was “no fault of mine” repeatedly, and he was just attempting to make me aware of the true condition of the car. But at some level, I seem to take it all personally. I felt being called out for poor judgment and not being more judicious with my purchase. I felt like my trust in the previous buyer in not revealing the whole truth was betrayed too. I began to get anxious and worried about not being able to sell off the car before I left. I put up more ads, and I got many replies- offering less than half of what I was asking. I even had a scammer e-mail me. Even through that I prayed that God would help me respond in kindness and love. I wrote him back and said that if he needs a listening ear, he could email me. Eventually I sold it at a great loss. I comforted my heart again, “At least it was way cheaper than what you would have paid for if you rented a car! And at least you did get rid of it before you left! And at least the buyer was really kind, nice and really likes the car!” 

In the fourth week, I called in with the airline to try to change my return flight to Sydney after discussion and thinking through what the best course of action would be. What appeared to be a straightforward task that could be resolved in 5 mins, turned out to be a nightmare of repeated explanations of the situation to a myriad of customer service officers, being placed on endless hold, and a slew of bad news- I have to pay close of $500USD just to change my return flight; I could actually buy a round trip ticket with less. I didn’t understand the logic of everything. I was confused, hurt. I just wanted to go home. I just wanted to spend more time with family. 

Through all of this, I resolved to remain calm and patient. I resolved not to let my anger get the better of me. These people, though the bearer of bad news, had no part to play in it. I resolved to show love and grace. I prayed over all these with which I struggled. I submitted them in prayer. I asked God to help me. With each hurdle, I thought, “As long as I take it into my stride, focus on things I can change and surrender to God things that I cannot control, things will pick up”. 

 But it didn’t. 

 Another wave of bad news. Chaos, confusion, grief and slowly, anger seeps in. “What did I do wrong?” was the question I asked myself. It seemed as if I was making up excuses for God and his “bad behavior”. It became difficult to trust that God works for the good of His people when I felt so abused by life and all its circumstances. 

 After receiving the news of the situation with my flights this morning, I felt completely overwhelmed and cried. I wondered if God saw how hurt I was and if He was going to do anything about it. I wondered if God knew how hard I have been trying to love others, and trusting in His will and direction in my life. I wondered if He knew how confused I was with all that was happening. 

 And then the song playing over my earphones reminded me 

What if your blessing comes through rain drops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near? What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love As if every promise from Your word is not enough  And all the while, You hear each desperate plea  And long that we’d have faith to believe.

I wiped my tears and allowed for the gentle comfort of the truth to soothe me. I will continue to trust and have faith that God knows and sees more than I do. That even when it feels like the whole world is working against me and I am completely overwhelmed right now, my all-knowing God knows and will use it in ways that are beyond me and my understanding.

[sixgoldensuns]

Transience

I did not need to be here. I chose to be here. How then, can I bear so much resentment in my heart? Perhaps it is the thief named comparison that is here to steal my joy. In the spirit of wanting to be a better clinician, a more knowledgable person, to go where God might open a door to, I jumped at the chance to be here in Broken Hill without a hesitation earlier this semester. But I also find my heart wandering, flirting with the what-ifs of leisure and time that I can have with loved ones if I were not here. I first lamented about this in my conversation with Dawn last week (our much needed catch up!), but as quickly as I heard myself utter the words, I was adamant that this was good, I was here for a reason, when I look back in hindsight, I will not regret it. So I’m putting all my Broken Hill chronicles up here, that I might actually have something to look back on.

It has been over a week since I have arrived at Broken Hill. Typically, time flies by especially when I arrive at a new place- so much to do, so much to see. But time seems to crawl here in Broken Hill. Maybe this is what it is like to be in rural Australia? Maybe my inner city-girl self is just shocked and I just need to be a tad patient with myself and get accustomed to what this quaint and beautiful town has to offer? Maybe it’s because I haven’t made quite the effort to meet and socialise with others? 

In my first week in Broken Hill, my interactions with people reveal a sense of detachment that stems from understanding that people come and people go- most students are here from 2-4 weeks for placements, like myself; employees are on short 1-2 year contracts. It’s like a collective fear of abandonment and disillusion. That said, the people are warm, friendly and welcoming... but also never getting too close. At some level, it’s sad, but I guess people do get quite jaded from saying Goodbyes all the time and would much prefer to keep within their circle. I think I, too, have a part to play in that. I know the transient nature of my visit. And I guess the inability to form a deep relationship with anybody here has made it rather difficult for me to understand why I have been placed here. But again, I am telling the story as I am living it out right now; I’m hoping at the end of it, or when I look back at this experience, this entry in hindsight, I would have better insight and understanding. Or it may just remain a mystery forever? Only one way to find out. 

Still, I have to say that despite the apparent mundanity (something I’m starting to accept as part-of-the-job), I really am learning a lot about the organisation I’m working in, the complex issues in providing health care to indigenous communities, and about rural Australia. I was given the opportunity to go up to Wilcannia, a small town about 2-3 hours drive from Broken Hill, with the speech pathologist and allied health assistant. Of note during the visit is when we went to see a 3 year old boy, who had reportedly been uncooperative in previous sessions. Completely contrary to what I was warned about, he was engaged, enthusiastic in play and in given tasks. He also verbalised much more than in previous sessions. The speech pathologist was thrilled. My heart was filled with joy. He had shown how he is capable. It reminds me that a large part of my job in assessment is to do all that I can in my power to bring out the best in the child. To recognise that there is untapped ability that can be unlocked, and not be so fixated on the problems and things that the child cannot do. It requires belief and patience, to see people beyond their deficits and difficulties. 

Over the past week, there has also been a running theme in my bible reading, church sermons, books that I have been reading. I am learning that suffering in this life is to be expected but there is also great joy in the hope that we have in Christ. In the past, I was so fixated on the first part of the message- the pain that God would demand of me to be obedient, and I bolted. I was so afraid of what God might call me to sacrifice and the great pain that I would have to endure, as a testament to my faith. Everytime I come across an amazing sharing about how God has worked in someone’s life, I am fixated on the price that the person has to pay. But I am starting to see that, the person did not pay the ultimate price- Jesus already did. Jesus’ warnings of suffering was to give us a realistic picture to expect. The Christian life is not one that promises a cushy life, and he made sure not to sugar coat it (Matthew 8:18-22). But there is a second part to the story that I have overlooked- the reality is that along with this suffering, is the beautiful promise that God will not forsake. God knows our needs and he provides them in the most timely fashion (Matthew 10:29-31). The full and complete picture is that there are bound to be storms, but there are also shelters. 

May I be true and authentic in my laments, but also have the faith and obedience to trust in God’s sovereign rule over my life, knowing that Jesus has already paid it all. 

[sixgoldensuns]

One Year On

My flight to Broken Hill has been crazily delayed due to the insane weather for the past few days (Dust storm, crazy winds). But I am thankful to have this forced time to take a breather and reflect on the past one year that I have in Australia because it has really been a jam-packed year (mostly brought on by my masochistic nature to keep doing more and refusal to take a break).

When I started the year, my one and only objective was to absorb all the knowledge that I can, and make myself the most competent therapist that I can be. I was determined to take this God-given opportunity and mould it into something amazing. I kept asking myself- what can I do more, to be a better speech therapist? I foolishly thought that it was what I did with my hands that counts. 

And I entered into my first year of my Masters of Speech Pathology program. I am so thankful everyday to be able to be in this discipline because I enjoy it so much. It was so easy to be inquisitive, to be curious, to want to know more because I had great passion in the subject areas. My clinical placement in July reminded me what a rewarding career it is. Working with my clients in Hireup taught me about perseverance, patience and good planning. I was given so many opportunities, so much exposure, so much guidance in this one year.

But beyond this, little did I know that God had an greater plan for me than the one I had for myself. I am so certain right now that he brought me to Sydney, not only for me fulfill my ambitions of being a speech therapist, but to allow me to hear the gospel in it’s full form, appreciating God’s holiness and righteousness, but also his love, grace and generosity. He gave me community in the form of Gracepoint; I was worried that I wasn’t going to find and build deep, meaningful friendships and relationships with others, but I found people who are genuinely interested and invested in my life and growth as a Christian. I’ve also grown in my patient, love and acceptance of people, being reminded of what undeserving grace I have been given. For once in a very long time, I am not filled with dread thinking about all the things that I am obligated to do as a Christian, the standards that I have to live up too, but with enthusiasm and as an outpouring expression for my new found love in Christ. 

And along the way, in loving Christ and striving to seek and honor him, when I thought that it couldn’t get any better, he appeared in my life. It has been a whirlwind for the both of us, in telling friends and family, but I’m glad that we’ve also managed to whisk time off to spend some quality time together. Jules showed me what an amazing relationship that is founded by Christ looks like; one where we continually spur each other on to love and honor Jesus in all that we do. It is not one that is founded on the superficial, but seeks to look into the heart. It’s a relationship where, in my finite mind, never thought that it was possible for a person like me to have, but a gem so graciously gifted by God for me to serve and love. It reminds me of how glorious it would be to be a bride of Christ, regardless of my relationship status on this earth. 

It has been such a long and tiring year, but also one where my heart is so full :) 

[sixgoldensuns]

Returns Vol. 1

Today marks the last night that I will lay on my bed for a long time to come. 

Somehow, this departure carries with it anticipation for a dream that I have yearn for so long, but also overwhelming anxiety, worry and more sadness in my heart than I expected. I fuss about whether I might be able to find friends that I identify with (which is so silly, given that I’ve actually been through so much of such transitions over my academic journey) or be forced to be completely independent; I fuss about staying safe on the roads or utterly regret not listening to my parents advice; I fuss about being able to keep up with school and living up to the expectations of being a scholar (Dear future self, if you are ever reading this, I hope you are laughing at how silly these worries are, and how God is so good at planning that everything falls PERFECTLY into place). Above all, I feel the sadness because I know how deafening silence on a Sunday night without being gathered by my family members who take forever to start dinner because one of the babies are still sleeping or there are more fruits to be prepared. I relayed my sadness to a friend, who replied, “And home isn’t going anywhere. So go out, spend some time seeing new sights, then come back”. And it struck my heart that I am going to this new, foreign land with so much blessing and love, above the sadness of being apart. To cherish and embrace this opportunity and blessing, is the apt response.

As with many of the trips I take and with my morbid obsession in embracing how unpredictable life is, here is a letter in case anything untoward happens to me. 

Dear You,

I called it, didn’t I? Life is so unpredictable, but thankfully for my full understanding and acknowledgment of that, I get to say a few words to this world that I never belonged to, and now depart.

Any age that someone dies, seem too young. I put my hand across my heart now and say that for the time that I was given, I think that I had a wildly great one- I was born into a family that was whole, complete and so, so full of love. We were not the best, but we were more than enough. I found myself lucky enough to find something in life that I really wanted to do. At 18 years old, I committed to becoming a  speech therapist. I took a long route in achieving this dream, but I finally got the chance to do it. Under a fully-paid government scholarship no less. The wait was indeed long and arduous, but God’s grace that I am so underserving of, shone through. And I guess I wasn’t as lonely as I imagined myself to be, simply because I was not in a monogamous, committed relationship. I am surrounded by friends that celebrate my successes and mourn with me in my sadness. I choose to see all these goodness in my life, and I give thanks for it. I hope that all of you will do the same, every breathing second that you have.

I look back on my life sometimes, and think, I don’t have anything in my life that I am fiercely passionate about. My whole life seem to be this string of transitions from one big exam to the next, from one big school to the next. I’ve spent so much of my life studying (nerd much, I know!). But as I look back now, I know my life is great not because a student like me who got 221 for my PSLE made it through all the way to getting a Masters’, but because of all the relationships I have had. My family has been my rock. They have seen me through my worst, and my best. They have encouraged me and supported me. They have counselled me and they have accepted me. It is the most wonderful blessing to have been part of this family. It is also true that people come and people go; I don’t say that with bitterness, but rather, an acknowledgement that everybody go through different phases and chapters and it doesn’t make my friendships less beautiful when that chapter is over. I am somewhat picky about my friends because I know that I will invest wholeheartedly into the friendship. Safe to say that, every relationship that I have chosen, whether good or bad, have taught me something about life that I will always treasure. 

Thank you, world, for everything. I am going Home. 

[sixgoldensuns]

Family Time

As much as I acknowledge my fear of missing out, I know that there is no where that I would rather be during this festive season. I am the most exhausted but also the happiest and blessed to be around family.

[sixgoldensuns]

Valentines’

I think I am okay with being single. 

There’s a hint of hesitation and doubt because I’m not sure if I am completely okay with being single and being more biased to the joys of being single, or that I have over the years come to accept that that is something I am stuck with and therefore might as well make it more palatable.

I guess the hurt that I think I am feeling today as I see endless pictures of couples paired with the cheesiest captions of gratitude and #blessed, reminds me of how much I really would like to have that special someone. I know that my brain is just so wired by the culture and society to say that recieving flowers and gifts will make me happy; I know that I would not feel the same level of happiness that I imagine it to be but yet I still greatly yearn and desire to be showered with love like that. I feel almost ashamed to be saying that, to admitting that I want to be a willing sheep of popular culture and a prey for marketers.

But I just want to be loved, as a fundamental desire of any human. But to know that I might never be seen as lovable to someone hurts very much, on this day where love is celebrated.

[sixgoldensuns]

Negative Emotions

This trip has been a relatively good one. Time away from phone and life in general, enjoying alone time, and time with family. 

#1/ On this trip I learned that as I grow older and more knowledgable, I lose patience with others that are not on the same intellectual level with me very quickly. I somehow hold these unrealistic expectations of people, and stop treating them with love. I find myself overwhelmed with anger, irritatedness, and even (shamefully) disgust. When I catch myself having these feelings, I am thrown into guilt and I attempt to compensate. But you know it’s like a game of Humpty Dumpty; it’s never really the same again. What makes it even more painful is that I do this to the people that I love the most and I absolutely hate myself for that. 

#2/ I have a love-hate relationship with being alone. The first day I entered my bedroom and had the whole room to myself to enjoy I loved it. I had absolutely no obligations- no children or partner to care for. Everything revolved around me and what I wanted to do or care. When I decided I wanted to wake up at 7am to work out, I did. When I decided I wanted to skip breakfast and sleep in past 9am, I did. But when it comes to enjoying attractions or taking pictures, that gaping hole in my heart was a black hole for the happiness I felt as a single. I felt like I was being handed a sympathy card for every family picture that I was dragged into, albeit the good intentions. I know that it is not a social group that I naturally belong to. 

#3/ There is no place like home. The warm, comfortable feeling of being back on Singaporean soil, in the very house we live, moving around the space that we know like the back of our hand proves to me that home is not just being around the people that you love. Home, is the people AND the place. I remember in my younger days, I was so affixed in my belief that if I ever got the chance to get out of this place, I would. But having lived overseas for a while, I have come back to reconsider that conviction. May I always remember where I am rooted, even if I have been given the opportunities to fly high and far. 

[sixgoldensuns]

Precious To Me

Today, we found out that A said some hurtful things about Aunty L. 

My sister gave a long talk to A about how her actions and words deeply hurt her. She said, Aunty L is not well-educated nor materially rich, yet she loves us so much that she often takes whatever little she has to buy us gifts from the market or wake up early to prepare ingredients to make us a bowl of noodles for breakfast on the morning of our birthdays. As tears welled in her eyes, she said “I am hurt by your words because Aunty L is precious to me”. 

I was a bystander who happened to be in the room at that very moment, but the weight of her words pierced through me. I felt ungrateful and ashamed, for all the times that I threw a tantrum because she did not do something right, for the times that I was irritated by her little requests when she always followed through on mine, and even giving her things that I did not want, rather than things specially gifted to her. I felt like an absolute brat, undeserving of all that she has done for me since the very day I was born. 

I hope to always hold a heart of respect, gratitude and love for this woman, and never to see her as anything less than the blessing she has been to me. 

[sixgoldensuns]

R was right to warn me about the many breakdowns that I might possibly have because of how intense my Masters programme is going to be, and it’s going to suck not having them around to help keep my sanity, feed me gummy bears and laugh at my bad imitations. But given how picky I am with friends, I am thankful forevermore and can only hope that God continues to bless me as such.