skiespirate

[skiespirate]

I don't know if I'm ready for the end or just numb enough. Feels like I'm giving up and this time I won't get scared and desperate. Won't cry for help, won't try to resist.

[skiespirate]

What if I'm just a melancholy catcher? I absorb every kind of darkness from your mind; I take your worst and keep it within me like I'm evergreen, like my humanity won't ask for attention later, like I don't need to take care of my own.

And it's not that I appreciate being this way, nobody truly wants to suffer. It's that... I rather for me to be the one miserable instead. I prefer to see happiness, not to feel it; hear laughter, not to laugh; watch life, not to actually live...

[skiespirate]

The other day, I was washing the dishes without my gloves on and I started to dream with my eyes open. Someone I think I loved came up behind me and put my hair up in a loose ponytail because they knew it was going to get in my eye.  They gently tugged the gathered hair to the side and placed a soft kiss on my exposed neck. Tender, like nothing else has ever been. They walked away without saying or doing anything else because that was all they had wanted from me. This all made my throat clench and my chest ache, but I only stopped dreaming when my hair actually got too bothersome. I shut off the tap and swiped my hair away with wet hands and I thought, harshly, that this was happening because I had no lover to care for me. I realised that I should have just put my hair up before I started but it struck me as unfair all the same. You see, I want very much to be touched; affectionately, absently, tenderly, with hunger, without ill-intent. I guess I also want to be loved. Someone who has been both loved and touched tell me if there is a difference.  

My mother asked me once, why my hair is always down. You look messy and wild, she tells me. Mother, I think, my hair is wild so someone can love me.

[skiespirate]

“Don’t educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy.So when they grow up, they will know the value of things, not the price.”

— Unknown 

[skiespirate]

“I’m sorry for my inability to let unimportant things go.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer 

[skiespirate]

[skiespirate]

[skiespirate]

“But I tried, didn’t I? Goddamnit, at least I did that.”

— Ken Kesey