sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts

[sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts]

Getting familiar with dissociative disorders

I have always felt like I was never one thing at any one time and I never show up in social circles, work, family situations as the same person. It's not that I am unconscious, because I am very much conscious the whole time, but when I walk away from the moments or social engagements and I go home and get changed and sit on the couch and start watching TV shows or start playing my games on the Nintendo Switch--it's like I am peeling off skins or like the other personalities just melt away or disappear into the background. Then, hours later or the day after, I have little to no recollection of the interactions.

So, my psychologist sent me these tests to do online. They aren't a diagnostic tool, but they give you a scale or a rating that would indicate a need to further investigate the possibility of an actual diagnosis. I scored 42.15 for DID - the average is 48.

When I sit here and think about who I am (and this is something I have always felt), I would say that I feel like an alien or like, I am in a game and nothing is real. I would choose different characters to take on different quests in different worlds. And each character has their strengths. Like a mage, a knight, an archer etc. Not any on of them is the same or can be combined with another. None of them engage in each others worlds. They have their own separate worlds and adventures. They don't really talk to each other either. I don't know if they have awareness of one another, maybe they do. But it's kind of like, in a business environment, like a corporate structure, there are different heads of for each department. They may cross paths, but ultimately, they are in charge of their business unit. They have their own CAPEX budgets and none of the other heads of, have any say in what they use their CAPEX budget for or how they manage their team members.

If I were to put identify my different personalities (which I actually started doing in my notebook), I would say that I have right now that I can quickly identify, 19 different personalities that are quite distinct from one another. They each have one core interest or thing they are in charge of or know a lot about. They all dress differently. There are a couple of them though, that aren't intrinsically linked to the physical appearance of the body or physical expression through fashion - those are like, human things that have no intrinsic value to them. These two are: The Buddha and The Alien. I have no names for any of these personalities or identities. So I am identifying them as what or who they are/what their main traits or roles are.

To explain further on these two examples:

The Alien is (as self-explanatory as the word Alien is), not from planet earth. This identity, is from a different galaxy, a different dimension altogether maybe. Is a sentient being, from an advanced Alien civilisation. They have knowledge on a massive array of topics simply because they have a very intricate understanding of existence and how things can make sense when others people see no sense. They are very logical, but in a way that is not human. So logical, that it exceeds the human capabilities of rationality through logic that their ideas and philosophies and values, seem completely unfathomable. Most of the time, if not all the time, The Alien doesn't speak. The Alien processes and delivers (not even telepathically), it is just an inherent knowing and the information is transferred somehow to me. Then there are times when The Alien, is the one who is present and others are mostly freaked out or concerned about the kinds of exceedingly "out of this world" ideas, logic and processing of information coming from them. Nobody understands The Alien, but The Alien understands everyone more than they others understand themselves. There is nothing impossible for The Alien. The intellectual capacity of The Alien is beyond IQ. The nature of all things are not a mystery. Even where there is knowledge gaps on the human condition, the mysteries are always solved as they process the unknown in a matter of seconds. What role does The Alien play? Well, The Alien is the brain and is responsible for all the smarts that all the identities have. The one commonality with all the identities is that they are all extremely smart and/or talented and just have this inherent knowing of or skill in whatever they pick up in their world.

The other identity as an example, is The Buddha. What role does The Buddha play? Well, The Buddha provides the sense of acceptance and non-attachment that all the others need in order to move about and progress through this game, without becoming so invested that they get greedy, attached at detriment then subsequently fearing loss or abandonment. The Buddha helps maintain a sense of peace and love and kindness--Science and spirituality go hand in hand but are two separate things. So The Buddha and The Alien, provide two core functions that have kept the others afloat through all of the struggles, because whilst the others are great at what they do and what they are responsible for, they lack the guidance and the intellect and logic and grounding. None of them are whole people. All fractures. There is not one core personality, but there are two guides. The Buddha and The Alien. They're really the brains and the spirit behind the other drivers of this physical body and its interactions with the outside world at large. Without The Buddha and The Alien, everyone would be in absolute disarray OR, one of the others, will take over completely and too much of one thing, is never a good thing. They all need to participate separately in the areas of life that they are assigned to.

The other identities are (that I've identified so far):

-The son (the one who listens to mum and gives advice and is really invested in his nephew's upbringing and sends money to mum and wants to make sure his nephew grows up loved and having everything he needs and wants) -The brother (the one who is not really that connected to his siblings and learns of what's happening to them through his mum - but he wants to try and fix things and lead the family to awakening and having real conversations but doubts it can ever happen) -The neurodivergent teen (the one with all the special interests and hyperfixations) -The boyfriend -The sexual hedonist (a very rare appearance - wants to have sex multiple times a day and entertains all the fantasies) -The mad scientist (the one who creates the possibilities of all things and figures out a way to create or acquire or do) -The gamer nerd (the one who is on the couch or in front of the computer and cannot be disturbed) -The analyst (mostly a work identity) -The man of the house (the one who protects the house and makes Luce feel safe) -The man the boy grew up to be (the adult version of the boy who never got to exist physically because I was born into the wrong body--this guy gives the little boy everything he wants and explores all the hobbies he has always wanted to do, all the gadgets he wants, he facilitates having the muscular male body and growing facial hair and the feeling of growing into a desirable and handsome man who is kind and smart, but firm and fair) -The artist (the one in charge of all creative expression and consumption) -The DJ (the public figure) -The blank piece of paper (the nothingness) -The underground party scene kooky queer (the one socialising and not DJing and is very much on top of political issues and gender and sexuality) -The philosopher (the one who is constantly contemplating and questioning the nature and meaning of all things) -The faggot butch queen of ballroom (the one who is with ballroom family and at any ballroom event) -Jaxon (the 7 year old kid who is always in a day dream) -The gay friend (like the faggot BQ but not in a ballroom setting) -The get-shit-done guy (takes over after a period of depression and gets it all done)

ANYWAY...

...I have a habit of not really identifying how I feel. As you can see, there is nothing here that really explains how I am feeling about all of this. There's just facts and details that paint a picture. No emotion. But I will attempt to identify how I feel now.

Where do I start? I sat in the darkness in the living room, the only light being from TV. I was reading about DID through google searches on my phone. I was a little startled and maybe in a bit of slight shock. Because, a lot of what is being said in these articles and other peoples stories, are all such familiar things and symptoms. Just for example, the fact that I have no idea where I was or what I was doing nearly the whole time I was in Philippines or even when I moved to Australia permanently at the age of 10. Logically, I know that in Philippines my little sister and I were "living with" our father. But I don't ever recall him being around. I also don't recall sitting in our home for any extended periods of time. I have glimpses and flashes of being on my aunties couch, or being out on the street, but I have no solid and continuous memory. I don't even know where my sister was the whole time we were there. She was 2 years old. I don't have any recollection of her at all, other than when we were in Baguio for a moment, but even then, it's because mum has a photo of her sitting on a green or teal bench with her chubby cheeks. The only memories I have, are really big moments. Most of these big moments, were traumatic ones. And even then, the further I go into the years as an adult, the more I question whether those things really happened or if they were all just a dream? The reason is...it feels like my whole life is a dream. Most of my dreams, I know happened, but I will have no recollection of the exact and continuous moments in the dream. I just know I had a dream and that there was a certain vibe or just half a second flashes of certain scenes. I can't really identify feelings or how I was feeling. It's like I was asleep the whole time. Even down to like, something as recent as this morning. I know how I woke up and I have a memory of it now, but give me another day and it will feel like it never happened. It's like I have no connection to any instant of the past or any past things I have said and done.

Wow...here I go again. No feelings. HOW DO I FEEL???...

...Worried? I feel a bit worried. I always thought I knew myself pretty well. I just thought that all these different personalities were all part in parcel of a whole. But that never really made 100% sense. I just thought I was a really eclectic, diverse person who was really smart but socially awkward at times and is a bit of a big kid. But I am worried because...I don't know? Does this mean I'm crazy? Is there something underlying that I have not been aware of and I have just been delusional all this time? Am I just never conscious? Have I been to places and done things that I don't at all have any memory or awareness of? I have had a couple of people in the past (during my most traumatic relationships), insist they met me somewhere and called me a different name...but these people were complete strangers to me.

Besides worried...I feel...like I am not as in control of myself as I thought I was. I really pride myself on being planted firmly on the ground. But how can I be, when I don't recall distance past or even recent pasts? It's like I am on autopilot when I look at myself in the past, but I was completely conscious at the time and making full decisions and having real conversations. But when looking back, I cannot connect to that version of me physically, mentally or emotionally.

I don't know if these are feelings? I can't even understand what feelings are, to be honest. I don't even feel sad. I just feel confused. I want things to make sense or I feel like I am completely unhinged and unbound by time or space. I need to feel like I am in control of who I am and what I do and to make sure that I remain employed and living and eating and looking after myself and the people I care about.

[sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts]

Spending time with my mum and nephew over the last three days so far has made me realise how much they need me now. I think I need to re-focus and start investing my energy into them rather than those around me who aren't related to me by blood. It's never too late to start again I guess. I want my mum to rest and have an easier life. What's remaining of it. She's getting older and so am I. I have lost a lot of time. I need to make up for it. I will find a way to help her retire. It will happen. I just trust that it will. She deserves to rest and just focus on herself for once.

[sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts]

I look at my nephew and how much joy this kid has in his heart. He is so hyperactive and so incredibly smart and emotionally intelligent at just 7 years old. He's aware that his mum (my sister) is in jail. He doesn't know what for. I don't even know that he understands what jail is and why people get sent there. Mum said he used to get really sad when they visit my sister in jail. The first time after seeing her, when they walked outside the door, he had his head down. When mum asked him what's wrong and lifted his head up gently by his chin, tears were streaming down his face and he was so very sad. He's okay now. But that kind of pain doesn't just disappear. Everything that has happened to his mum that he's seen, everything that he's experiencing with her being away from him, his dad not having custody of him because he went to jail too not that long ago for a couple of years...I know that this all has planted some seed inside of him and it will grow one day. I just hope that he will be strong enough to get through it when he's older. I want to help him and be there for him and ensure he knows that he is very loved and that I am here for him. This kid is so precious and he deserves the world. My family are so sad, all of them. I feel kind of awful that I moved to a different state and left them all behind. I managed to create a great life for myself here. I have managed to grow and learn and unlearn and heal from traumas. I am still continuing to change, I am still learning. But I am in such a better place than where my family are even though we all went through the same family tragedies together. I want to save them, but I can't single-handedly do that. I want to at least save enough money to help my mother retire as soon as practicable. I want to move her and my nephew here to this city to live with me. I want mum to rest and I want Jaxon to be brought up by me because I just know that I will have what it takes to help raise him well. I want to nurture his truest self, allow him to be silly, laugh, play. I want to give him the things he doesn't get from being at home with my mum and from my sister and his dad being away. I don't want him to grow up believing that he isn't worthy of love or that nobody wants him and they just leave him. He said that he wants to stay here with me. I think he likes that I let him have fun and that I took him to the LEGO store and bought him a couple of minecraft sets which he has already finished building. I can already sense by the way he talks and how he says things, that he already has formed an attachment to me, but he pushes it down. Rather than saying he's gonna miss me when he goes back home with my mum, he told me that I should come for his birthday. His birthday is on the 27th June, but he said to come on the 25th because he will be at school on the 25th June and then I should go home in two days. I think he said two days, because he will be back at school and he knows he can't see me during the days anyway. Funny kid. His logic makes a lot of sense to me. I completely understand why he thinks the way he does. He's neurodivergent for sure. The way he thinks makes absolute sense to me. I see myself a lot in him, except he's a lot more energetic and is hyperactive (I was very quiet as a kid but my mind was always busy and wanting to do things - which is why I guess I went wandering the streets alone when I was in Philippines as I couldn't ever just sit still). Anyway, I think this post has been long enough. I just want to finish off by saying that I think, my mother is seeing all the ways she needs to care for my nephew now, that she never did when my siblings and I were kids. I think she feels a lot of guilt because all the ways she looks after him, she never gave to us as part of being our mother. She's trying to make up for it I think. She's been paying for our dinners and stuff, she's been extra kind to me. She loves my partner. She's never liked any of my gf's before. Luce is the first one that she's liked and has opened up to. This makes me happy, because I trust my mother.

[sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts]

Today is the first day that Luce and I will spend together since a while. Just the two of us. It has been a little rough lately with them as they've been expecting more out of me than I can give. But they've started therapy and I've just kept sticking to my truth and maintaining my boundaries around my capacity and what I will and won't stand for. I am going to keep being me and I think that's the only real way to be because it is honest and I am not giving them anything more than what's true. I am not setting wild expectations for myself. I also think it is really healthy to just be focusing so much on ourselves whilst being together. Because if we are focusing too much on one another, I fear we might get too attached and it will become toxic when we need to do things on our own or just be on our own for whatever reason. Life tends to get a little crazy sometimes and we need to be able to just look after ourselves and just focus on the things that we need to focus on. Then we can come together when we are both able to, have rested, aren't busy and can enjoy time with and around one another. I am grateful for myself because I am sticking to everything I said I would stick to and ensuring that I am not being toxic or breeding toxicity within this relationship. I think I will be okay. We'll see how things turn out over the next few months.

[sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts]

Lately, Luce has been really anxious about a lot of things. It is making it really hard for us to exist in the same home. But I think they are pushing through it. Doing well considering how anxious they have been. They went to therapy today. I think they were a lot more positive after speaking to someone who can help centre them and are like a neutral person (it’s really useful to have someone else’s point of view especially when they have nothing to do with your personal life).

I’m coping with it kind of okay. I mean it has kind of been hard at times. I really need to be away from too much negative and nervous energy. It makes me irritable and as though there are things piling on. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe. Like there are way too many people who have expectations on me to show up for them when I am also human. I think people expect me to be really put together ‘cos I am a lot older and I have been to therapy and done a lot of things, had several relationships. But the fact is, I am not someone to be put on a pedestal the way some people do. I have my own sets of challenges and I cannot deal with too many people having too many expectations of me. I need others to be very independent but if they need me I will be around. They just need to let me know that they need me. I feel like some people expect me to guess and just know when they need me around. I think that’s really unfair. I cannot know how to help someone when they don’t tell me when they need me, how they need me and what I can do to help them now and in future. I feel a little out of depth right now and I wish that I can do more for others, but I need to focus on myself. I am drowning otherwise and that is not a good feeling.

If I could give the world to someone like Jamil, I would. I just can’t have him projecting his traumas around his father, onto me. I will never be his biological father, I am his friend. Yes, I am his ballroom father, but that doesn’t mean he can expect the world of me. I think I need to ask Miri for some advice. I don’t really know how to manage having a kid, let alone like sixteen kids. It’s really hard already. I really need people to be proactive in telling me how I can support them because I can’t know everything. I will give support if I know how and if I have capacity to do so. I just hope that people understand that. I also believe that when we become adults, we need to find ways to fulfil our own needs. We can’t expect that to be the purpose of having connections and relationship whether romantic or not, with others.

Anyway, other than that…work has been a little annoying and anxious to be participating in. I always have this fear that I will lose my job. But i have to remember that there will always be a way. I think I will be okay. I just have to keep showing up and trying. I think that proves a lot more than not turning up and not talking to my direct manager. The so called delivery lead hasn’t really been pulling her weight and I think that really says a lot. I think I am showing that I am doing a lot more than she does and that it has truly been stressful for me to do my job because I am doing everyone’s jobs. I don’t really know where this will all go, but I am prepared for a promotion if that is what’s coming up ahead for me. I will gladly take it as I think I am ready to take the next step in my career. I would really benefit for a change like that right now cos I think part of why I aml kind of restless and have that feeling of searching for something, is because I need something new and big like this to happen in my life. Not so much need, but I think it’s just time now. I am playing this game of life knowingly and I think I have sat at the same level for long enough that I need to go to the next level now. A promotion is a great level up.

I am going to go to sleep now. I’ve had trouble sleeping lately and it is making me tired in the mornings. I ahve to go into the office again and I am really hating having to do it. I hate all the stupid conversations I have to have in person. People are so weird and boring and irritating. Leave me and my cool keyboards alone. You don’t need to ask me about them and why I am interested in modifying them as a special interest. I have certain needs and standards for being able to work and enjoy doing it. Keyboards that feel and sound and look nice is just one of them.

[sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts]

Living the dreams of the boy who never saw the light of day:

I went to the casting for Erik Yvon's AFW runway show. It was the first casting I have ever gone to for anything. Basjia was kind enough to put a number of people forward for casting and I was one of them. Just this one act of kindness, made me feel seen. It is really nice to feel like someone out here, believes you are capable of something that you doubt you have the look or ability to do. I know that I love and believe in myself, but others may or may not (which I am okay with...but it does feel really nice when others see you).

I don't have any particular attachment to getting it or not. I am just grateful that I got to experience doing a casting. I never in my life thought I would ever get the opportunity to do casting for anything. So doing this casting is honestly more than I could ever ask for already--teenage/early twenties me would think thirty-six year old Shin is so cool. At the same time, I believe that I am living my early twenties the way I deserved to live it the first time round but never got to. As wise as I am now, I feel like I'm ageing backwards (perks of being trans and autistic, I guess...hah).

I used to be an extremely shy and anxious person. I would get extremely self-conscious and feel a lot of shame eating in front of people other than my family, when I was a teenager, just as an extreme example. I would also freeze up socially because I didn't really know what to say or do. Also, when I first started to play dj sets here in Melbourne about 7 or 8 years ago now, I would get crippling stage fright. I would be trembling as I was using the CDJs and mixer. Words cannot describe the amount shame, self-hatred, unrealistic pressure and extreme anxiety I used to experience over absolutely everything. It was a truly suffocating existence.

Nowadays, I walk balls, pose for photos and I perform in front of many people. Whilst I still get very nervous and anxious, I can mostly get myself through it and any shame around looking dumb or doing it wrong, is manageable. Me doing a casting in front of people who work in the fashion industry, one of the most daunting and most toxic industries, is a massive achievement. To me, I had already fulfilled a dream. Anything beyond this, is a beautiful gift and experience that I will cherish and make the most of for however short or long a time it lasts. I might add also, that one of my techniques for easing anxiety is to have no expectation of an outcome in the first place. Because anxiety is about gaining control of future outcomes that are usually bad (so basically, anticipating disappointment, hurt, loss etc). When you don't expect anything, you are free from the attachment to the source of your expectations. Expectations seek to acquire, which is okay and normal for things like, when I go to Coles, I expect that the price for a 1.25L Sprite is under $5.

I think I am fast learning that I don't need to search too hard to find myself. I love, appreciate and admire who I have become today and how I continue to learn and grow as a human walking the soil of this dying planet. I know that I am a much better person than I used to be. I have made mistakes and I have hurt people and myself in the past, but I have learnt forgiveness for myself and that I must continue my learnings and make good of them henceforth.

Whatever happens with this casting is beyond my control now and I am okay with that. I do not create friction or flow against the fabrics of what is already in motion. I do not fret over what I do not know about this. I have full acceptance of what is--and what is has not yet arrived. Until it arrives, it does not exist in my universe. I do not interact with what does not exist materially for me in this physical realm and dimension. That is called a delusion. Sometimes an obsession, a yearning for, a desperation...a crease and a friction in the fabric of destiny.

[sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts]

The universe is definitely speaking to me. Because I am the universe- it only makes sense to hear the universe if the universe is you everyone's universe is the self.

This is why the concept of outer space and just how big and expansive it is, is inconceivable.

Because it is made up of a potentially endless number of universes.

If we think of ourselves and others as universes, we begin to truly see, the nature of existence as expansive and abundant.

Love is not a product of two people reacting chemically to one another.

That, is an exchange that more often than not, is made when both people, approach existence as a deficit-and so therefore they must trade. But how can any love be traded when love does not exist within the self?

And why would we exchange pieces of ourself with another? Could we not exist in love, side by side, admire but not take? The same as you would a beautiful flower-if you pick it and bring it home, it will eventually die. If you allow it to remain where it is, you can go back to visit it. It's process of death, is then natural and not a doing of yours.

Pick a petal from a flower and the flower is no longer complete.

We must leave the flower in its soil where it is nurtured.

We must leave it's petals alone so that the flower is full and complete—and in a garden, there are many beautiful flowers.

[sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts]

Happiness is a journey of self-fulfillment.

I think people really struggle to grasp this concept. When most people think of happiness and what that looks and feels like, it usually involves another person, or multiple other persons.

I used to think of happiness this way too. But over the years, after several relationships and even more friendships that have come and gone, I learnt that happiness isn't something that can be siphoned from others. I learnt that I can never have a happy relationship if I have not fully realised happiness for myself...I can never have a happy relationship if the other person also has not realised happiness for them self. And realising happiness for oneself, requires an uncomfortable level of self-awareness of all the ways in which we don't love the self.

You see, most of us go on these journeys through life not knowing what we don't know. When confronted by a person who knows what you don't know, their boundaries will sound like rejection and resistance, unwillingness to compromise and work through things. This also happens because we believe we know ourself better than we actually do. There is a time and place for unwavered belief in what we know. Sometimes, we have to accept that even if all feelings are valid, because feelings are a happening that we cannot stop as long as our brains are functioning, our feelings may not be accurate. They may be deceiving us or mitigating clarity for us.

We do not have to accept the truth of another person and call it a day. It just means that we ought to approach the predicaments (also celebrations) in life with acceptance that there will always be a layer of ourselves, the nature of existence and the workings of others, which we do not yet know. This approach allows for us to boundlessly learn and grow. Learning requires an open mind if growth is a result desired out of learning.

Accepting that we may not know ourself is understandably difficult. After all, we are the ones playing the role of "I". This is where seeing yourself as a loved one like you would another individual, is important. After all, we cannot make sense of a world full of people without interacting with them. So, we must interact with ourself.

Within us, there are multiple people. There is the child, a growing teenager, the twenty-something year old who is discovering the full breadth of life and its many blessings and downfalls and there is us here and now. All of these people within, have personalities, traumas, needs, wants, quirks of their own. If we haven't gotten to know these people living inside us, then do we know ourself? Can we really say that we know exactly what we want and why? Is what we are expecting of another, truly well informed with reason and clarity if we haven't come to understand how our many selves, have impacted the "I" of today?...

...It is incredibly unfair to expect anything of another person if we haven't understood these expectations and to which of our many selves they belong to and how these expectations have come to be. The reason it is unfair, is because we would be asking another person to understand the expectation in its fullness, to deliver to it. If we do not understand the root of our own expectations and who is asking for them, then someone else will have no chance of understanding the expectations which you bestow unto them.

Back to the point after a long and winding, but very necessary path: Happiness isn't a state that someone else can give you. The myth about happiness is that we need others to achieve it in its fullness. Happiness is the responsibility of oneself. Happiness is not meant to be traded. It is not a bi-directional or even multi-directional transaction. Happiness is a state of self. When happiness is internally sourced, there stillness and peace. When happiness is traded between two or more people, the trade must forever be in motion, else there is something wrong (or so that's what people tell one another when they finally become exhausted of producing happiness and delivering it to the other person). Eternal motion, is exhausting. Exhaustion is a byproduct of capitalism and capitalism gave birth to the twisted romanticisation of relationships.

Imagine people who are entirely self-fulfilled gathering together. There is no thickness or friction in the air. Energies are not bound to one another as there is no trade based on deficit. There is only abundance. This is peace. This is stillness. This is acceptance of life and others as they are. We can only ever accept--and there are varieties of the kind acceptance we follow. Move on gracefully or remain and accept others as they, as this is the truest version of them you will ever know.

Try as you might--you can never squeeze water out of a brick. Choose peace. Happiness is not a thing to obtain from another...

...Moreover (because how many layers to self-fulfillment there are, nobody knows), happiness itself, is a trap. I will save the complete version of this some other day, but happiness is a state which strays from a state of non-attachment. So is sadness. Anything that we want to drive away or obtain, is a trap. I understand that this may be extreme and inconceivable to those who aren't so inclined, but there is a reason why Buddhists practice the way they do. I know, I know: "but isn't attaining nirvana a desire too and desire is frowned upon in Buddhism?". Yes and no. We'll talk about this part another day. For now, I am done.

[sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts]

I don't think that I really need to be with anyone anymore. I think I might be aromantic. I am not asexual though. I just can't really form any romantic connections with anyone. I feel weird that I am like that, but that's how I've become after so many years of being toxic relationships that have shattered what romance means and looks like. I love that I am like this now, though. I don't really want to be romantic. I think that it is such a lie. An unnecessary embellishment to a connection.

[sleepless-in-transitory-thoughts]

I haven't slept for over thirty-six hours. I just created a tumblr. I think I am just looking for an excuse to type so that I can use my mechanical keyboards...I can't fully explain how much of a stim this is for me. I want to type forever for no reason.