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Wow. I felt a reconnect tonight. I was getting really nervous there for a moment. But you let your guard down for a moment. I needed that.

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I get worse at flirting the more I fall for someone. I get more awkward as I fall for someone. I get more nervous around them as I fall for them. I get fucking weird dude wtf!

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It feels so wrong. But I know I did this to myself and made the decision to fall for someone whose with someone, yet again another action played out with my fear of falling for someone who is actually able to be in a relationship.

It’s crazy to think she could be feeling this way, at least somewhat while laying next to her girlfriend.

I should sleep. Please sleep.

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I don’t want just words. If that’s all you have for me, you’d better go.

F. Scott Fitzgerald (via quotemadness)

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I feel like the only reason I know how to let go of you is because I recently just learned... am learning how to let go of things that were so good for you but sometimes just can’t always stay.

I would’ve never been able to do this a year ago.. 6 months ago

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Feel really alone and lost without my mom. Feel like I stay up at night waiting for her. For her comfort. For her confirmation that I’m not going to die alone and sad.

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I wonder if Im falling for you out of emptiness or I’m falling for you because I feel it.

It takes me a long time to mentally catch up with my heart. Because my mind finds every reason I should have love. Whether it’s them or me, I always choose to let go of the love before 6 months.

And I don’t want to ruin your life with the love it I naturally give out. Because what if I don’t love you in 8 months.... the situation is complex because of the other lover and that the biggest reason I don’t want to fall right now.

Pros. She’s open, comforting, caring, understands what I’m saying, listens, talks a lot, self care gal, self observant, very affectionate, ability to be different sides of myself,

Cons. She’s poly and idt I am, we get lost in time together, don’t do what we wanted to do, get high have sex too much? If that’s even a thing? Feel like I’m making up things that I don’t even care about.

It’s stupid that I’m falling for someone whose newly “poly” and doesn’t even understand it themselves yet. I already fear loves vulnerability why is this being added on top? And I supposed to say no to it or try it. It feels like a massive weight of confusion on my shoulder. I can’t wait to talk to her tomorrow about it

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My mom passed away. There’s so much pain I don’t know how to live with it.

12/12/19 1:20am

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My brain is just doing whatever it wants.

Using its powers for bad, not for good.

And I don’t know how to stop it.

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Him last night, her tonight.

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I saw you tonight for the first time since March. Almost 9 months later. I wanted you for comfort this week. I felt the desire rising in me to see you, but like usual I push it away since it’s impossible to make plans with you. I simply wanted a hug. Maybe see you for a bit and head out but the comfort was too warm. I feel so different around you than I did 9 months ago. So much more understood and I felt more understanding of you. It makes the knots not feel tight when I leave, knowing what this situation is.

We ate an ice cream sandwhich in bed and watch the rest of the Heat beat the Hawks. I finish, throw the rest out and snuggle up in your shoulder. I honestly have never felt more comfortable relaxing next to a man. Rest feels like sleep while laying next to you. You kiss my forehead and cheek a couple times and rub your hands along my side, back and shoulder. With my head nuzzled, my lips face his neck and all I want is to kiss him. I know if I do I will give a sign that more is okay. Idk what I want but I know I have nothing to loose so I kiss his neck as a sign of affection for his comfort. I’m truly thankful to be lying next to a warm body, a warm body that I know, that I’ve slept with, that I’ve had distance with and now can feel a reconnectional warmth. I’m making it sounds more than it was, really... I felt so calm. And this calmness was craved and needed. Eventually you no longer could just kiss me on the forehead and you kiss my lips. I reciprocated and we fell heavy into a passionate make out. I climbed on top and grinded my body against yours in desire. Instead I gave you head. It was probably the best head I’ve ever given and he knew it. I enjoyed every moment of it. I’m happy we didn’t have sex. And I’m happy he didn’t go down on me. I just didnt want that Idk exactly why. We fell asleep holding each chest to chest. I kissed him and left him at 12:30am.

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Moms

I remember one time Mom1 and Mom2 we’re heading out to the store. Mom1 wasn’t letting me go to my friends house for some reason... she usualaly let me do what I wanted but I guess I really got on her nerves or did something I shouldn’t have. So she was saying no. And me being me was like ... NO? What? I don’t understand no? And haddddd to follow her around asking why and begging. Eventually I was pouting on the steps as they were heading out the door. I yelled I hate you!!! for the first time in my life to my mom. I loved her. I never didn’t love her, I was just a pissed 14 year old. Mom2 however DID NOT let me get away with saying that. She bolted up to the top of the steps where I was sitting so fast, like I had .5 seconds to recognize through my 14 year old pouty teary eyes that Mom2 was now in my face and said “don’t you ever say that to your mother again”. A distinct moment I would never forget. Idk if it was her insane pasion for my mother or the loss of her own 14 years prior. But I never said it again. I never thought it again. I never like hearing anyone ever say it to their mom again.

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being compassionate to yourself involves making it a discipline to do the things that you love, no matter how many times you attempt to convince yourself that it’s no use. being compassionate with yourself involves sitting down and writing, even when you feel insecure about the work you’re producing. being compassionate with yourself involves taking a walk outside because you haven’t had any fresh air the whole day. being compassionate with yourself involves committing yourself to learning something new even if it hasn’t gone well many times before. being compassionate with yourself is about committing to the discipline of self-betterment and healing.

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I think I’m trying to kill myself.

All the talk around me is, mental space menatal space mental space.

It’s what I know. What I’ve proven myself to be true. Yet here I am, pushing myself deeper underground.

It’s so unknown from the outsiders how much pain consumes me internally.

It feels like it won’t ever go away. It’s enevitable isn’t it; that all these thoughts will catch up to me...