softdestielkisses

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it is just insane to me that in every moment, every awful, terrible, painful moment, cas was in love with him.

and not only that, but even in this moment —

cas won’t fight back. he won’t hurt dean, even if he’s barely dean anymore.

cas is still thinking — still beautiful. still dean winchester.

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Dean Winchester is saved.

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He's very pop-culture savvy now.

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character who;s doomed form the start but not because of tragedy or anything but because they're a woman and their writer is a misogynist

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literally no one and nothing is safe from misha collins and his recognizable smile and blue eyes

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I want to show you an actual training slide from my customer service job that I had to see yesterday.

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the thing about cracking open a long-established popular ship tag on ao3 is that it allows you to be extraordinarily picky, and i think it must be the closest thing i will ever experience to being filthy rich. i scroll along at super speed like no today i am only interested in fics with this precise range of words and one of these three tags. only authors i’ve heard of, please. hmm, i suppose i could consider an unknown quantity given its apparent popularity with the people, but… no, no, this summary doesn’t do it for me. no particular reason, it’s just… eh, i don’t need to explain myself. bring me 50 more like this for me to choose from and we’ll see.

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sooo I've stumbled over the whole hbo spn thing that seems to be going on and needless to say the aesthetic is right up my alley

every single fic I've ever written is pretty much in that style anyway (the lack of scars has always bugged me so much; the boys have always been covered in scars in my fics since I started writing about them)

I was thinking about writing (and actually publishing this time lmao) a fic set in the early seasons anyway (with MAJOR artistic freedom) but I kind of figured nobody would care because who still remembers who, say, Bela Talbot is (one of my favourite characters on the show but whatever), but now that I've learnt that this is a thing I'm actually considering it?

also, okay, unpopular opinion incoming lol, Castiel is great and he can stay but I actually HATE the whole angel/heaven storyline.

Can I just write a fic where Castiel is the only angel to walk the earth ever, the others just mind their own business in heaven (which is such an abstract and alien place that Castiel can't describe it in a comprehensive way, and it's so far away and different that once you go there you stay there. End of story. No holy sandbox where anyone can just walk in and out. Which also goes the other way around. Once you're out, you're out. So choose wisely.)

Also, demons? Remember Meg in season 1? Because that shit was scary, dude. I don't want demons on every corner. I don't want them to be allies or friends. I don't want them to get stabbed by the minute because an exorcism is just so much more gruesome in some way?

I think a huge part of the appeal (at least for me) of the early seasons and what makes them so creepy is the "big unknown". The boys (and therefore the viewer) don't know about heaven, hell, purgatory, the empty, time traveling, whatever else there is. They've got a vast idea of hell and that there are nameless evil things that lurk in the shadows. This way, the world feels a lot bigger and darker and creepier because we don't know what hides in the blind spots. There's no bunker library with all the knowledge in the world, no powerful witch/demon king/fallen angel on speed dial that you can call up for a quick favor.

Also, I want more monster of the week content. I don't care about the overarching plotline (especially when it's about some kind of angel war). I remember most of the individual cases of the early seasons but in the later seasons there are hardly any episodes that really stand out to me because there aren't as many stand-alone cases (and, let's be real, a lot of them are cheap half-assed filler episodes). Bring back the lore, the urban legends. Give me seven episodes of them hunting seven different things, without any cuts to "meanwhile in heaven" scenes.

Oh also while we're at it. I've spent some specific attention to that in particular while catching up on season 14 (still haven't seen season 15 yet, don't blame me). When did they stop playing classic rock? This used to be such a HUGE part of the show. Also the typical "sad piano theme" (you know the one). Now that I am having my annual re-watch of the early seasons I've noticed it even more. And don't get me started on the colour scheme and the clothes they're wearing, that's a whole other trash fire.

Also bring back practical effects and spare me that bullshit cgi. How come a season from fifteen years ago has better stunts and more realistic looking monsters than whatever that season 13 finale or Lucifer in the empty was.

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kinda obsessed with hbo spn so here are some hbo cas things :)

his hair always sticks up oddly because of the constant static energy

he often has nosebleeds due to the constant pressure of being crammed into a vessel

seeing the winchesters using drugs and alcohol led cas to using supernatural things like monster parts, spells, venoms and poisons, etc as substitutes because human drugs dont do anything for him

the edges of his sleeves and bottom of his coat constantly has dried blood, mud or some other substance crusted there

after aeons of watching invisibly he’ll forget people can see him and will sometimes stare too intently or make unnatural expressions

his skin often looks pale or oddly coloured from him forgetting to keep up with human bodily functions, sometimes he’ll forget to breathe for so long his lips go blue

once he had to heal his fingers after they became hypothermic and he only noticed when he stopped being able to use them

he constantly has some kinda wound that hes forgotten to heal, whether it be split fingernails or full gashes and stab wounds

his hands are extra static-y and touching them will always result in electric shocks

he has a half finished stick and poke on his forearm from when dean tried to welcome him into the winchesters through the tradition but got cut off by some emergency

his coat pockets always have some odd item in them, whether it be lighters for the winchesters, small vials (empty or otherwise), a mess of sticks and string or any of the things he has been randomly handed by sam

sometimes the back of his coat will take on an inky black quality in two places right next to his shoulder blades

things in close proximity will sometimes randomly fall over as if knocked into and he’ll react before it hits the floor as if he’d hit it (it was his wings)

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i wish dean smoked cigarettes

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We’re the Monsters Under Our Own Beds | Part One

monstrous!team free will 1.0, feat.

B O Y K I N G; sam is part demon and part human and it’s the human part that makes him unpredictable, that keeps everyone on edge. he’s telekinetic, there’s one horn that has grown out of his head kind of crooked. the other one broke and now its just a jagged defense mechanism. his eyes shift black when he argues with Dean and things start to boil and melt when he’s mad. he always casts a long shadow no matter where the sun is in the sky.

B L U N T I N S T R U M E N T; dean’s something with fangs and claws, an othering and intangible creature that haunts itself. the darkness is a shroud he hides in. he looks in the mirror and he sees double, his irises are turning the color of rust, and he keeps coughing up blood and black liquid. his monstrosity is eating him whole and what it spits back out when he’s just the bones will be bitter and brutal.

A N G E L / K I L L E R; castiel is the angel that wasn’t made right. he’s coming apart at the seams. there’s a bottle of angel grace that hangs around his neck but it’s not his. it belongs to the same host as the blood staining his jacket. he’s gentle though, despite the atrocities he commits, to the monster he’s lost himself to. so long as cas wakes up breathing in the same bed as Dean, he doesn’t care how patched up his true image becomes. how his thousand eyes that used to be cold and clear are now muddied with terror and love and the feathers in his many wings are charred and sticky from wounds that won’t heal.

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had this in the drafts for a LONGGG ASS TIME:,,,

i just stayed up all night thinking about trans dean!!! (hbo dean) and wrote an approximate 5 page essay of my thoughts!!! (written by a transmasc)

(just on how dean is trans while keeping majority of the plot is the same, but also better than canon..)

Starting at the beginning. born Deanna. Dean always wanted to present more masculine. as a little kid always wanted to play with the boys stuff and dress in daddys clothes not mommys. in the first scene of him holding baby Sammy, it’s very much possible that he could still look pretty much the same considering the popularity of bowlcuts in young kids especially amongst little girls at that time. After Marys death, john never knew how to shop for girls clothing, so Dean just got the most basic looking clothes, already making him slide into that masculine nature. He probably grew out his hair after Mary died for a while (because of johns inability to take care of his kids and give them regular haircuts), until lets say 6?? when Dean figured out how to use scissors on his hair. John is unfazed, like as long as it doesn’t get in the way, and monsters cant grab deans hair(idk, things like that)

Bobby is the first to figure out Dean is trans. obviously. he pays more attention to the kids than john does. Dean just acts like a boy, thinks he’s a boy, though still being technically a girl. He’s complained before to Bobby about wanting to be a boy and hates being seen as/called a “dyke” or a “tomboy” by classmates and teachers. Dean doesnt think anything is wrong with expressing those emotions, still being just a young kid.

Around 8?9? Dean end up just straight up telling john he thinks he’s actually a boy and john couldnt care less tbh, trans men were nearly invisible to society at that time, especially to someone like john who probably grew up under a rock about those things more than anyone. John probably just somehow believed what dean said.. but in a twisted fucked up way… In Johns head Dean is now “a boy with feminine parts, and that is not right, you cant be a man and feminine.” (something like that) So John double time forces hyper masculinity upon dean much too early, as a compensation for anything possibly non-masculine about dean. Trans men are not a concept in johns mind and he doesnt care at all what it could mean other than Dean just being fucked up. This ideology weighs heavily into Dean’s trauma and daddy issues. Especially when john has angry drunk outbursts of ridiculing Dean for the way he is, doing things like deadnaming and misgendering Dean on purpose.

John obviously didnt know or care about anything gender confirming beyond, “I have a son, I buy boy clothes, it’s easier in so many ways having two sons now.” Bobby was the one who fully supported and understood dean and tried to do everything he could to understand deans situation and help him with the transition.

also. no one really knew of john as a hunter at the start. so its easy for john to switch to saying he has two sons, without causing problems.

Puberty for Dean would fall around 1990/91. By that time hormone blockers were already a thing available for kids who had puberty too early, [BUT amongst my research on hormone blockers for trans people I couldn’t find when That became a common practice, and when or where it became easy(ish) to get such treatment without being denied or hatecrimed in some way...] (will have to do more research on some subjects, I still have several books and articles I need to go through) However, I do know testosterone was actually an accessible thing around the 90s for trans men(ofc i still cant find what the age is for being aproved to start hrt unfortunately).

But, I believe, thanks to Bobby’s cunning schemes, he can get what Dean wants/needs in an easy way (ex; lying about Dean’s age or gender[saying he’s intersex or a male with a hormone deficiency], stollen medical prescription forms, etc)

So maybe, most of Deans life he is stealth to most, (even if he doesnt get testosterone until later in life, there are multiple accounts of trans men more than fooling a vast majority of people into thinking theyre cis, even when literally having sex with women believe it or not(ex; Brandon Teena/Boys Don’t Cry film, a popular 50s gospel singer i forgot the name of, much more) Dean is definitely super crafty in canon so he is always finding ways to pass.

Sam knowing Dean is trans makes sense(even if he doesnt have a word for it at first) considering how close they are as siblings. And I think funnily enough he might not even know Dean is “trans” until he attends a gsa class in college(bonus: Sam is he/she/they nonbinary in my hc and they find out that too)

[Side note, because of genes*, it’s very possible for an afab in the winchester family to be up to 5’10(lets say dean is 5’9 though). He wears those 1 1/2 inch heeled boots he does in canon (funny how he’s canonically trans coded sm), with shoe inserts on top of that and, boom. easily 5’11-6’0. yet, he is still more than four inches shorter than his younger brother.(idk i think sam should chill like maybe he can just be 6’2or3 in hbo, bc *john is still 6’1or2, and mary’s family also has tall men*)]

Moving on. According to the timeline dean discovering girls (and boys) happens next at 12/13 (pls help i’m on the aro spec and dk the normal age you get crushes)

but since we already know john is even more strict about Dean’s masculinity than he would be with someone whos amab (notice john canonically is less forcing of masculinity upon sam... i wonder why....) Well in saying that, here comes the intense homophobia. Dean cannot like men. “thats for girls. and Dean said hes actually a man, and I cant let dean be feminine in any way” or some bullshit like that.

Somewhere in the future, before Dean turns 17, john is “worried” about deans possible attraction to men. Sends him on the nun hunt by himself. It’s a big step especially for Dean being afab and john still seeing him as weak and feminine despite believing Dean is actually a dude. (I think this is also the same reason, canonically, sam is so surprised that at 26 dean is going on his own hunts??)

But like- so if the last time Sam saw Dean, Dean was 22 and still an irresponsible youth, still new to the freedom of things that came at 21 and what not(even if dean has been drinking from a young age) and considering johns treatment of Dean, and Deans dependency on johns toxic grasp on him, Sam could still be surprised dean is on his own now[even if dean went on his own at 17, but sam wouldnt know that,, and plus it was just so john could teach him a lesson] So maybe john also let Dean go on his own at 23(before then dean always went with another person) and because he would soon see Dean and his hunting partner of the time, Lee, getting along “too well” he would just fr gaslight dean to just go on his own from then... (something like that)

Focusing back on Dean’s transition, I actually have no idea when dean would get top surgery bc of the busyness of a hunters life. but im thinking it’s a top priority of Deans for a while because of the discomfort of not being able to wear a binder when hunting, only a sports bra, which depending, could still be very uncomfortable for him dysphoria wise. (i know the struggle) Again, Bobby probably one to help with the whole process of payment, recovery and scheduling a good time.

When dean finally gets his top surgery it is when he is with Cassie. (theyre literally both t4t bi4bi) Dean by luck finds a nice girl at a queer bar and settles down with her and decides its time to chop the flesh bags and Cassie helps him in his recovery. (of course i think dean still goes hunting in secret and messed up the healing process and ends up with sorta messed up scars)

Now lisa well... (actually I think canon dean dated her before cassie, but she was only introduced later so-) okay Lisa lowkey gives me transphobe vibes-.. I wonder if it could be that even after they hook up she still isnt even aware that dean is trans, she still finds out someway though. (rip ben actually being from a random biker in this au, bc canon he is 100% deans kid) When Dean sees her again, they run into eachother and catch up despite lisa still being transphobic. She’s fine with just talking but keeping distance. Ben, already liking dean like a father figure, doesn’t understand why lisa dislikes him, even after she explains how Dean is trans, like most kids at that age it’s simple, if he looks and acts like a boy, he is a boy. Kids dont fucking know a thing about body parts or genders... Ben with that ideology, ultimately opens Lisas eyes on trans people and is now okay with Dean.

The only next big plot point I can think of?? is..

Cas raising Dean from hell. While recreating Dean, he sees Deans entire being through Deans perspective. and how Dean is meant to be rather than how he was born. In my mind it makes sense to cas as angel, by seeing Dean’s soul, his memories, everything that makes Dean, well.. Dean, that he is indeed a man. Also because angels have no construct of gender(besides how humans are born) and being genderless in the first place, Cas doesnt associate body parts with genders. He just knows dean is a man and is like “well if hes a human man he must have these parts i guess?”, Deans views of himself blurring his previous form, everything on how dean looks is slightly masculinized. Cas doesnt even think about how come these scars on deans chest are significant and important to him, at any point in the future he could still easily remove them, but he knew they meant something to dean in his mortal development and despite being a “flaw” they are the two scars he didnt wipe clean off of Dean’s body. Everything else, its like- as if Dean was born a man, or at least, however Dean wanted to look. (and still, cas removes all of deans tattoos. dean is pissed asf at cas. even if they had significance to dean, cas still removed them as it was not a part of his body and soul like the top scars, just a foreign blemish made of ink)

That is all i should probably fit in a post now, lmao

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You don't understand what being completely obsessed over HBO Dean having his body full of tattoos of the various creatures he encountered over the years does to me. I'm talking his body is a canvas, just like the journal he keeps, full of the coal drawings he scrambles between hunts. I'm talking spells, latin enchantments, words of protection. I'm talking lineart and watercolor tattoos of djinns, scarecrows, shapeshifters, vampires, wendigos, werewolves etc. Back pieces, leg pieces, right over his ribs. Mary's name inside a heart right on his left pec. Castiel's name in enochian right on his forearm. The colt, the legos stuck inside Baby, little army men, lyric bits of his favorite Zeppelin’s songs.

Black chipped nail polish, smudged eyeliner, one dangling earring, eyebrow piercing, crop tops, sideboob shirts, low waisted jeans, fucked up boots. Sleeves cut off, handprint always visible, scars on his face and abdomen, out and proud. He exists in my dreams.

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if jack was in the golden era seasons i think they’d be like. inexplicably bleeding stigmata scars in church and angel radio migraines/nosebleeds because there are so many voices telling him all at once that he doesn’t belong there that they were born fallen so he can never rise and how dare he stain these sacred floors with that disgusting hybrid blood of his, the red venom of Lucifer that flows in his veins

and he doesn’t need to sleep very often so most nights he stays up with dean and they get food at late diners and channel surf on the motel tv and smoke weed by the pool and dean tells him all about John and hunting and the journal and simple human things that he will come to value more than life itself.

they would collect weird religious paraphernalia like random button-pins to wear on his awful clunky jackets and Mormon pamphlets to fold into origami and sarcastic gimmick shirts that say things like “Jesus is my homeboy” or “I hate the antichrist” because he almost has his fathers crude sense of humor. and sometimes if he’s upset enough he singes the edge of Bible pages or flips crosses or shatters cathedral glass and there’s always a weird static charge in the air around him like the beginning a thunderstorm and if you look very faintly his eyes flicker and crackle like a lightning strike

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i refuse to let hbo!supernatural die so

Claire is a nephilim and hates that her eyes turn gold and the color itself - she wears silver jewelry exclusively

Jody has night terrors of her son dying in her arms and getting infected with the disease he carried herself. she does police work from home most of the time

Dean and Claire go for walks in the forest sometimes and end up staying out late enough they end up building campfires and talking for hours. Dean ends up giving Claire her first tattoo with a stick and poke

Cas’ hair tends to grey when he’s low on grace and it always makes dean look twice. when dean gets older and his own hair starts to grey cas tries to heal him with grace. it doesn’t work.

Sam’s hands are stained red because of the blood addiction. no matter how hard he tries to scrub it doesn’t go away

Jack takes twice the amount of adderall to deal with his ADHD which is more of a grace/soul problem than a genetic linked problem.

Kaia practices spiritualism regularly and constantly has a hamsa or an evil eye on her for protection. she smells like inscence and marijuana

Krissy Chambers writes to dean regularly and he often writes back to her. they have an unspoken agreement that they’d drop whatever they’re doing in a moments notice for one another.

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in hbo supernatural metatron would be in a female vessel and the comparison would be less abandoned friend/professional partner and more like a woman confronting the much older boyfriend she had when she was a teen and realizing he picked her because she was young/manipulatable and not special