southernwidow

[southernwidow]

Fear

I’ve always known fear, but never like I have since becoming a widow. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of leaving this earth before my small children are grown. Fear of leaving my small children orphaned. These fears also fill me with a whole new level of anxiety. The constant worry, the constant lack of sleep from laying awake at night.

I recently-ish went in for a routine eye exam, just to find out that my optical nerves are swollen, and was referred to a specialist. The specialist did his examination of my eyes, and diagnosed me with IIH, Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. He said he was 99% sure it is IIH, and said that it is the cause for all of my really really awful and debilitating headaches, my vision deteriorating, the whooshing in my ears that sounds like my heart beat is in my ears, and everything else that has been going on.

But then here comes the big drop. “These symptoms also go alongside brain tumors, so we are going to have to send you in for a MRI with and without contrast to check for that before I can 100% say it is IIH. I am however, going to go ahead and prescribe you a diuretic so that we can go ahead and start treatingyou for IIH and the medication get in your system.”

Those words instantly sent me down a whole new road of fear. The fear of what if it is a brain tumor and not IIH? What if it is a brain tumor and I can’t come out on the bright side and leave my kids orphaned? Cancer runs bad on both sides of my family, and my aunt passed away due to a brain tumor when I was a teen. To say I am terrified that this is a brain tumor and not IIH would be an understatement.

I went in today for said MRI and it was awful. My claustrophobia kicked in with 7 minutes left of my MRI without contrast and I had to be pulled out to get some fresh breaths. The MRI with contrast was only 7 minute long but it felt like an hour. I won’t know until sometime next week what the results are, and the unknown is eating away at me.

If you’re experiencing any of the symptoms, please go get your eyes examined and get yourself checked out. Even if it hopefully isn’t a brain tumor, if IIH is left untreated it can lead to total loss of vision.

#widowed #young widows #widowhood #idiopathic intracranial hypertension

[southernwidow]

The loss of a spouses. Something so many of us thought we would never have to endure, at least not so soon. There’s no books, no class, absolutely nothing that will prepare you for the loss of your spouse. Nothing prepares you for that last goodbye, or the lack of a goodbye for those of us that didn’t get that chance. Nothing prepares you for the journey that is grief, and learning to live this life without our loves. The one that we were planning our future with. The one that we made/were making a home with. The one that we made/were planning a family with. Nothing prepares us to help our children endure the journey of the loss of a parent, how to navigate their emotions. Having to tell them their mommy/daddy isn’t coming home, and explaining to them why when the questions begin to arise. Nothing prepares those who end up having in laws who begin to wreak absolute havoc on their lives once their spouse passes, when they’re already facing a horrid storm.

“Things will get better.” Things don’t always get better, we just learn to live with it. The grief hits you out of nowhere, no matter what stage you’re in, like that surprise pop quiz in high school you weren’t prepared for because well, you wasn’t expecting it. We simply, but slowly, learn to handle it better. Well, as well as we can. Grief comes in waves, and like the waves in the ocean, grief is ever changing. Something that triggered our grief in the beginning of our journey may not trigger us in the future, while something new in our future will now trigger the grief where as it didn’t in the past. Whether it be a scent, a memory, a material item, a word, or even a quick glimpse of someone out of our peripheral vision that resembles our late loves.

“One day you’ll move on, and someone new will come along.” I have heard this so many times, and each time it irks me just as much as it did the first time. Irk is honestly putting it lightly. I will never understand how someone can tell a widow/ widower that we will one day move on. The loss of a spouse isn’t something we simply move on from. This was a breakup, this wasn’t a divorce. We had absolutely no choice in this. I would have much rather went through a divorce with my husband than lose him. At least then I would still be able to see his face and hear his voice, and my children would still have their father. Instead, I only see his face in picture and in the faces of my children, and I only hear his voice in old videos that pop up in my memories on Facebook and what is on my phone that I haven’t lost over the years. But even then, it will never be the same as getting to see his face again or hear his voice in person. It won’t be the same as him coming home to me and our children. It won’t be the same as his arms around me, or hearing HIS snoring at night. I’d give anything to hear his awful snoring one last time. I’d give anything to hear him tell me that he loves me one more time, or one of his silly little phrases.

#young widows #widowhood #widowed #widows #widower