spencersjacobson

[spencersjacobson]

Working through fear

Through a lot of trial and error (lots of error), I’ve put together a thought process I use to put my best foot forward in any fear-triggering situation, regardless of what my fears are telling me.

1. Fear/story happens, first step is to PAUSE and become aware that the story is happening right now 2. Check in with your VISION for what your life would be like if you moved through this fear consistently 3. Feel GRATITUDE for this story, because now you know which direction to go, and having this fear makes it possible to have that vision in the first place. I.e. "Thank your story, love your story, and release your story for the moment” 4. Action in line with your VISION

The following is a longer explanation of each part.

Since the vast majority of us are not in any danger of being eaten by tigers hiding behind a tree, the type of fear that I’m writing about is existential fear like failure, rejection, public embarrassment, etc. The first step in this process is to make a list of all the things you are most afraid of. E.g. failure, not living up to your potential, being abandoned, being ugly, being fat, etc. Next step is to think of all the things the voice in your head tells you you aren’t enough of, e.g. not smart enough, not thin enough, not social enough, etc. **Side note, while it may not be fun to think about and write these things down, chances are your mind is constantly reminding you of them, so maybe if you write them down your mind will give you a rest from the reminders.

The next step is to understand that these thoughts are not fundamentally “true”, they’re habitual thought patterns that are innately human, and you learned your particular set of fear voices over time, many of which during challenges you experienced in your childhood. You can think of these things as “stories” you tell yourself to keep yourself protected, in control, not going too far out on a limb. For example, maybe in 5th Grade you had a crush on Mary-Lou and asked her out on a date and she laughed at you and ran away, and for the rest of your life, you’ve been petrified of striking up a conversation with a woman you’re attracted to. Or maybe your parents divorced when you were 8 years old and you went to live with your mom and as an adult you have tended to keep people at a distance because you’re afraid that when you get really close, people will leave you. The takeaway here is that these things are not the “truth”, basically your mind over learned to fear something based on a specific experience.

Overcoming your fear is all about creating a separation between it and you. Awareness of these stories and distinguishing them as “story” instead of truth can start to give you this space. Most people operate in their daily lives with their fear as more or less truth. They stay in their comfort zones dictated by their fears and therefore things don’t really change. What we’re doing by examining and understanding our fear is creating a relationship with it, and once we have a relationship with it we can choose the relationship we want to have which will allow us to take the new actions. Same old action = same old results. New action = new results.

Being present and understanding when you’re actually feeling fear is a key step. The next ingredient to this recipe is taking a look at and exploring what your life would be like “on the other side” of this fear. The first thing my clients usually say is something like “total freedom” and then a list follows like “close and loving relationships, a wildly successful business, a fulfilling and exciting career,” the list goes on and on. So take a look at some of your core fears and insecurities and take a close look at what your life would be like if you consistently overcame that fear. This part should feel exciting and make your blood pump a little faster.

Now is the really important part. The single biggest factor that can transform your fear into something useful and overcomable is feeling gratitude for your particular “story” that is standing in your way between you and what you want. You might be saying, “why the fuck should I feel grateful for this horribly uncomfortable fear that is preventing me from having that thing I want?” Well, friend, I’ll tell you why: because you know what your life could be like on the other side of this fear (fucking amazing), you now know what it will take to get those things you want! If you didn’t have your particular version of your story/fear, you wouldn’t know exactly how to create that exciting blood pumping possibility on the other side. And since reality is such as it is, you might as well use an approach that will help you overcome this fear.

**Another quick note on why gratitude is so effective at transforming fear. It’s impossible to feel anger or fear at the same time as feeling grateful. This might take practice to enter a complete state of gratitude but it’s a game changer of a skill once you can do it. And even the first time it will be effective.

The next step is to practice being aware of when your story is happening to you. For example, you’re sitting in a coffee shop and you notice a hottie reading a book you like, and your impulse is to go over and say hello. What usually happens next? The stories start flying, all the rational and convincing reasons not to get up and go say hello. Chances are something happens in your body as well, your stomach might get butterflies or you feel a tightness in your chest. This is the moment to practice awareness of what’s happening. Those voices in your head are not trying to HELP you be happy, free, self-expressed and in love. They just want you to be safe, not embarrassed, rejected, etc. The trouble is that your brain isn’t distinguishing between fear of dying from tiger attack and fear of being rejected. Now is the time to take a pause, feel what’s happening in your body, notice the voices in your head and remember that these aren’t the truth. Your hair is fine, you don’t actually have to run to your next meeting RIGHT NOW. The hottie could be busy with something, but she also could NOT be busy with something and would love nothing more than for you to strike up a conversation, you have no way of knowing. Key takeaway here: practice being aware in the moment of your fears.

The next step is to be grateful for that story that’s happening, because it actually tells you that you’re on the right track. You can have a gratitude conversation that looks like this:

"Hello fear/story, thank you for coming into my mind and body, I’m grateful for you because on the other side of you, I can be free, joyful and in love with my dream man/woman. On the other side of you is everything that I want so badly, so thank you for stopping by to help me remember that."

Next step - ACTION in line with your gratitude and trust in yourself that you’ll be OK, regardless of the outcome.

Here is a recap the entire process so far:

1. Identify your fears and stories that hold you back 2. Identify where those fears were developed - usually as a child - and what they were designed to protect you from

The next part is the “in the moment” process, now that you’re aware of the fears, stories and where they come from and why 1. Fear/story happens, first step is to PAUSE and become aware that the story is happening right now 2. Check in with your VISION for what your life would be like if you moved through this fear consistently 3. Feel GRATITUDE for this story, because now you know which direction to go, and having this fear makes it possible to have that vision in the first place 4. Thank your story, love your story, and release your story for the moment 5. Action in line with your VISION

Has anyone experienced anything similar? What do you think?

[spencersjacobson]

Practice, letting go, and practicing letting go

I recently decided to “start writing” - so this is the first of an indeterminate number of posts. I’m going to experiment between just posting to Facebook and using an actually blog site. Topics will be pretty random: including personal re-invention, spiritual connection, overcoming fears, goal setting, how to create a kickass organizational culture, leadership and I’m sure some other stuff. 

It’s funny that I’ve always enjoyed writing and have never had resistance to it until I made the decision to start a blog. That sneaky voice in my head told me so many good reasons not to put my thoughts out there. Well, sneaky voice in my head, I hear you, I thank you for trying to help, I love you, goodbye for now. What’s been on my mind a lot recently is how a strong spiritual connection can lead to getting into “flow” and getting a lot of shit done while having a great time. I think of “flow” as being outside of my thinking mind and in a state of presence and action. People with a strong sports background often advocate for practice as the simplest and best way to get into flow and get results. The thought process being, if you practice enough, you no longer need to think about what you’re doing and can let muscle memory take over. I fundamentally agree with this, and when we’re not on a sports field it gets a little more complicated than that. I think the operative word is “letting” or "letting go" - I’ll come back to this. 

But how do we actually let go? Inherent in letting go is the possibility of exposing all aspects of ourselves. Each aspect of self is like a tool in our toolkit for approaching any given situation. In order to be your most effective self, you want to be able to use all of the tools available to you. 

As we grow up and mature, most of us come to rely on a certain way of getting things done, especially when faced with a challenge. Other aspects of ourselves or ways of doing things we come to dislike. E.g. when presented with a problem you may be excellent in analyzing the situation and coming up with a logical solution but you may not be so good at dealing with either your or other people’s emotions involved in the problem. The expression "when all you have is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail” is a good way of understanding how this would limit or effectiveness. 

Please understand that this is not a commentary on strengths-based leadership or in favor of trying to “fix” your weaknesses. The assumption I’m making is that someone who can choose from multiple sets of approaches as opposed to being one-dimensional will be more effective over the long run. An easy comparison is to the world of sports, where a basketball player who can develop a serviceable jump shot in addition their highly effective inside game will be consistently more difficult to guard than someone who only has the ability to score from the inside. 

Utilizing all of the tools at your disposal requires examining all of the aspects about yourself that you may dislike or think you suck at. Perhaps you think - I’m a numbers guy so I’m not an artist or I’m not creative. Or maybe you have a devastating fear of public speaking. Or maybe you have a certain quirk that you only let your closest confidants see, like a raunchy sense of humor or a gift at imitating accents. 

The truth is, we are all innately unique people, with a unique set of quirks, strengths, weakness, fears, hopes and dreams. Gaining access to all of your tools and being a multi-dimensional player requires embracing your differences, being willing to stand out and taking a unique path. OK that sounds great but how the fuck do you do that? 😃 

If your primary schooling experience was anything like mine, then standing out and being different was NOT something you were encouraged to learn. Being willing to stand out and be seen as different will require examining and confronting our deepest and darkest fears and recalling some of those challenging times from growing up. Please note there will be an entire blog post on confronting fears. 

At a high level, overcoming fear and embracing your differences and weaknesses will require a measure of “trust", that, regardless of the outcome, “things will be OK”. Otherwise your fear will never allow you to take the leap (the “letting go” that I wrote about earlier), because you have too much at stake. e.g. If I ask my boss to transition onto that team I’m interested in, and he says no, he might fire me because he’ll think I’m unhappy with what I’m doing now, and if he fires me I’ll lose my income, and if I lose my income I’ll be broke and out on the street, and if I’m out on the street my life will be ruined and unrecoverable and I’ll be crushed!” Another example - if I show my goofy sense of humor during this important business meeting, maybe everyone will laugh at me instead of with me and the client will call my boss and tell her what happened and I won’t get that promotion, yada yada yada. I think you get the point 😃 

From my experience and from working with hundreds of coaching clients the quickest avenue to trusting, letting go and accepting the uncertainty inherent in facing fears is by believing in a higher power that is working behind the scenes in our favor. Whether this is a simple spiritual belief in abundance, a universal connection between all things, or subscribing to a certain religion, the specifics don’t matter. What’s important is connecting to the idea that you are not alone in this world and you have the support to take action in the face of your fear. The beautiful part of cultivating a strong sense of spiritual connection is that it is a short-cut to flow state. When we trust that everything will be OK, we can leave our thinking mind and take the actions that are most innate and natural to us. 

What do you think? Is there anything you’d like to add or have seen from your experience? 

My next post is going to specifically cover a focused approach to overcoming fear.