stupidanaangeltrash

[stupidanaangeltrash]

I feel so guilty, I eat without any reason, I don’t know why I do it, I can’t control it, this is hell. I never thought I could miss bulimia, but I never wanted to purge more then now.

[stupidanaangeltrash]

I ate so much today and I feel guilty but I am still craving fruit loops :(

[stupidanaangeltrash]

Some Thoughts

I have struggled with eating as long as I can remember being able to make myself food.

I would sneak snacks, make myself food every chance I got, as a child I would quietly walk out of my bedroom in the night, piling up cheese and bread to eat, just to eat - not because of genuine hunger and those behaviors stuck with me.

I was overweight for most of my life and now I am again. The only period in my life where I was a healthy weight was during periods I actively purged everytime I was consumed by the immense guilt I felt after uncontrollably eating until my body ached, or I managed to restrict hard enough in between my massive binges.

I am so sick and tired of all of this, the secrecy, the guilt, the shame, the ongoing circle.

I just want to know how it feel to have a normal relationship with food, eating and hunger. I only know extremes.

I don’t even know where I am at, I am diagnosed with bulimia but I can’t purge anymore physically, so I just feel the guilt after without knowing what to do to make up for a binge, so I restrict again and I binge again and the circle continues.

I know the restriction is a factor that makes my binges more likely but I just can’t let go of it. I tried to track calories, but I just can’t stop to obsess about your amount. I tried to not track calories, but I either binge continuously or I am riddled with anxiety about what I eat that I restrict either way.

It feels like there is no path out of this hell because even though I know that there is a chance I could learn how to have a normal relationship with food, at the same time I just don’t want to.

I crave to be the person that I’ve imagined I want to be for so long, who is in control, who is perfect and slender.

[stupidanaangeltrash]

I am so scared of my first diagnostic appointment for ASD on friday, I don’t know how to behave and everytime I ask someone they’ll just say to be myself - and I don’t know how, I put all my effort into not being myself, into being perceived as a normal human being. I don’t know how to be myself, unmask around people.

Please help :(

[stupidanaangeltrash]

I want it to be spring.

I want to feel the sun on my skin again, I want to see crisp green leafs, hear birds sing, I want to feel okay again.

[stupidanaangeltrash]

Who am I?

Being gender-confused is killing me, I feel very connected to being a woman, I am a girls girl, but sometimes I wish I could exist outside of a space of the binary, a space where I can be myself without the hurtful connection to what being a woman implies; the misogyny in society, the objectification and sexualization of my existence. Sometimes I want to be just human: not a guy and not a girl.

Sometimes I hope starving will eradicate my breast because they make me feel marked me as potential prey, sometimes I hope it’s going to be the only fat left on my body because I want to carry my femininity with pride.

[stupidanaangeltrash]

[stupidanaangeltrash]

I feel like my depression is coming back again, trying to seduce me into not caring about anything anymore, even my body and weightloss.

I hate it on so many levels, because I truly want to care and get my life back.

[stupidanaangeltrash]

I picked up crocheting as a hobby and I really want to try making a crochet top, so I am making one for a really good friend, she had to give me her measurements so it will fit well, and now I can’t stop comparing our measurements, because she is so thin.

I am such an idiot, why is it my goal to be as thin as her and why do I feel the need to have her measurements now? Why can’t I love myself and my body?

[stupidanaangeltrash]

It’s so hard to stick to a diet when you have people around you and you have to eat dinner together, my boyfriend is always coming over, and I really enjoy it, it’s just that I can’t truly eat what I want because to everyone else but me, the meal I view as ideal, would be completely weird in his mind.

I simply can’t prepare plain rice and cucumber slices and put it in front people without them thinking I lost my mind. I have to actually make a meal, painstakingly measure out every ingredient and calculate the calories and it’s so much work and really annoying. I just really wish I could have my ED honeymoon mealspo dinner in peace.

I really like cooking, but I don’t want to eat what I cook.

[stupidanaangeltrash]

I feel disgusting and guilty.

I made an agreement with my boyfriend to order fast food today, I was prepared for it, although not happy with my decision.

The vegan option I ordered with a plant based burger patty arrived and it had a real meat patty, which I only realized half way through eating it.

I feel so utterly disgusted that I ate meat, an animal, I don’t know if it is my OCD, I only have been vegan for a few months and I have eaten meat all my life but right now I feel such in intense guilt and I want it out of my body, almost like it infected my insides.

Adding to it, when my boyfriend called to complain that I got the wrong order, they reacted very poorly and the delivery driver showed up, demanding to see the patty and scolding us, saying we should have eaten it, as if I knew beforehand they would deliver the wrong item.

[stupidanaangeltrash]

Slowly getting back on track

Since I had the realization that I lost control over my body, I have been trying to slowly adapt my diet again and restrict.

It is a bumpy road right now, it’s so hard to restrict when my stomach is stretched out from all the previous overeating. I still lost a few pounds so far and I hope I can continue with new motivation.

Just a second ago I was craving something, made it and then threw it away, it feels so silly but I am so proud I had the strength to control myself again.

[stupidanaangeltrash]

Waiting.

I hate the fact I have to wait, I cannot take action other than patience when it comes to weightloss. I realize how my body looks, I realize how my body feels. I make the decision to lose weight, work on it, I want to see results, but after making this decision I have no move to make other than being patient. I have to restrict and wait, wait long enough to see results and that fact makes me feel so powerless, there is no progress in the beginning to witness.

[stupidanaangeltrash]

I reached my highest weight.

Hello, I wasn't really online on here for a while - I guess I am now back again.

It is really ironic how having an ED feels when you're an adult. Back when I was a teen it was my main focus, my main interest but now I feel like it is just crouching in the back of my mind. I was just so focused on living my life and coping with my mental health and a mayor depressive episode that my weight didn't even enter my mind. I was just eating, laying in bed. I guess the only take from this is that I wish I were one of the people who starve themself when going through a burnout and depression, but I am not, I binge eat.

I am heavier than ever, I am so uncomfortable in my body and it just dawned on me how much I let myself go. The realization just hit me in the face as my antidepressants started to work and my mind slowly emerged out of survival mode. Do I even have an ED anymore? I feel like I have to prove to myself that this is an area I struggle with.

I need to get my body back.

[stupidanaangeltrash]

Not to be dramatic but I think my friends hate me because I am fat.

[stupidanaangeltrash]

I binged again today I want to kill myself all because there was so much shit at home.

Lord give me strength for tomorrow.

[stupidanaangeltrash]

Diary 📔

- felt very depressed throughout the day because there was a shortage in my local pharmacy for my lexapro but I got my pills now, so I am feeling hopeful that I will be better again soon

- feeling very guilty and like a fraud for having the candy from my Christmas calendar and a PB and Jelly sandwich in the evening

- also scared of Christmas although I love it as a holiday because of the dinners and the potential weight gain

- had around 1000 cals today, I hope high res, even if it’s slow will make it more sustainable and not cause me to jojo during the next days 🫥