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sweet-pea-channie · 18 days

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i have a soft spot for this version of Az... This was so well written. I loved every part of it :)

Waiting for You

Azriel x Reader

Word count: 3.4k

Synopsis: Reader and Az are besties who are secretly in love w each other but refuse to admit it. She’s the only one who gets him out of his broody moods so she comforts him after a bad mission. She gets badly hurt on a mission and he goes feral rescuing her.

Warnings: Canon typical violence.

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“Where is he?” you asked Cassian as soon as you saw him in the foyer at the House of Wind. You’d been at a meeting with Feyre when Mor winnowed in to retrieve you.

“In his room. He’s been in there since last night,” Cassian told you in a hushed voice.

You balked. “Last night? Why didn’t you guys tell me sooner?”

“We were trying to talk him down ourselves, but he doesn’t want to see anyone. You know how he gets.”

Worry inched up your spine. “What happened?”

Cassian grimaced, mouth bracketed with tension. “Hybern soldiers ambushed a temple in Sangravah. Azriel and Rhys went there as fast as they could, but they didn’t get there in time to save all the priestesses. Az has been blaming himself since. Doesn’t wanna see anyone or leave his room.”

You nodded as Cassian walked you to Azriel’s room, falling into silence. You braced yourself for the task ahead. You were the only one Azriel lets in during incidents like this. Upon reaching his door, Cassian squeezed your shoulder. “Good luck,” he whispered, turning to leave.

Once Cassian was gone, you opened the door. Just as you expected, it was pitch black inside. Azriel’s shadows were frantically swarming around the room, blocking out all sources of light, reminding you of wild bats. You felt them brushing against you in phantom caresses. You closed the door behind you, allowing yourself to be completely immersed in the darkness. You waited a heartbeat, knowing the shadows were whispering to Azriel of your arrival. His silence indicated he knew it was you because if it were anyone else entering his room, he’d ask them to leave. But not you. Never you.

Squinting, you eventually found the faint blue glow of his siphons between the swarming blackness of his churning shadows. You begin padding over, hands raised in front of you to stop yourself from running into any furniture. You felt his bedpost, flinching slightly in surprise. He’s sitting on his bed, then. Bracing your hands onto it, you trail them over the edge of his bed as you move closer to that faint blue glow. Finally, you felt him, meeting the outside of his thigh with your roaming fingers. You moved to stand directly where you anticipated he was sitting, moving slowly to avoid hitting him suddenly. You took a tentative step forward and felt his spread knees bracketing the sides of your legs. You took another step forward, right between his open thighs, warily reaching forward until your fingers met his shoulders.

You didn’t say anything just yet. Bracing your hands flat onto his shoulders, you felt them rise and fall abruptly with his breathing. Then you felt him shift forward. You remained planted firmly in place, allowing him to take whatever he needed from you. Heavy, warm hands fell onto your hips, gently tugging you forward. You yielded to him, just as you’d already secretly yielded so much of yourself to him. You felt his head lower onto your chest, forehead resting on your sternum. Your left hand moved to cradle the back of his neck, your right hand stroking his hair back. You felt him breathe deeply, felt your heart break at his pain. He remained where he was, gripping your hips and breathing into you; gradually, his shadows slowed their black churning, stopped the restless swarming, and light at last trickled into his room. First in fractures like beams through a mosaic, then spilling in like a cleansing mist.

The golden glow of the sunset outside basked his room, allowing you to see once more. Still, you said nothing and remained where you were to let him take his time. You looked down at the male you loved so dearly, your best friend, and frowned to see he was still in his Illyrian leathers. Still caked with blood. He mustn’t have taken them off since returning from the mission last night, mustn’t have slept at all. You silently cursed Cassian for waiting so long to tell you. Azriel takes a final deep, shuddering breath, and slowly raised his head off your chest. You meet his gaze, still stroking back his hair, finding a haunted look in his eyes, dark circles beneath.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper gently. He just shakes his head, breaking your gaze. “Az, sweetheart.” You bit your lip, trying to tread carefully. “We need to get you out of these leathers. Yeah?” He just nods. That’s a good sign, at least. He reaches to begin undoing the straps and buckles across his torso. His fingers are caked with blood, making you frown once again. He glanced up to catch the frown. “Is that blood yours?”

“No,” he finally spoke, voice rough from disuse. “It’s the Hybern commander’s. I didn’t leave any survivors.” No remorse in his voice.

“Good,” you say honestly, holding his gaze. You’ve never once balked from Azriel’s deeds, his enactment of justice. There’s grim understanding in his eyes now, at your acceptance of who he is, his light and dark. You reach for his leathers. Aside from the usual leathers, he also had protective gear on his shoulders and down his arms. The dark knight incarnate. You struggle to unbuckle his leathers beneath the partial armour, moving your fingers to work those free instead. You frown slightly in frustration. Azriel catches this and goes to stand. You take a step back. At his full, towering height, you walk around him to undo the armour bindings. You remove the protective gear on his right shoulder; once it was undone, you try to carefully lower it to the ground, but it’s much heavier than you anticipated. Azriel takes over before you drop the heavy metal onto your feet, easily hauling it off himself with one hand. You repeat the motions with his left shoulder. Then you remove the protection off his upper arms, leaving only his Illyrian leathers.

You walk back to his front, gazing tentatively at his face to see how he’s doing. He holds your gaze, eyes clearer than they were when you first saw them in the light. Progress. You gently take his hand and silently lead him to his washroom. You turn the bathtub faucet on, pouring various tonics and soaps into the water. You turn back and find him undoing the last of his straps and dagger holsters. You walk up to him and reach for the bindings holding the leathers together. Once again, he yields the task to you.

You undo the bindings, reaching for the neckline of the leathers, and slowly pull it down his frame. He pulls his arms out of the sleeves with either hand, then shimmies his arms out of the top, exposing his abdomen. You run your eyes over his exposed form, searching for injuries, finding none aside from some bruising. You meet his gaze once more, finding it already on your face. You turn, silently telling him to remove the rest of his leathers himself. You hear the clothing being dropped into a pile, feel him shift behind you, and hear him lower himself into the water.

You turn to find him submerged, the bubbles and murky water concealing his lower half, though you ignored the voice in your head insisting he wouldn’t care if you saw him naked as the day he was born. You go sit on the edge of the tub, behind where his back rested. Filling a small bucket with water, you shield his face with your free hand and pour the water into his hair with the other. His eyes close, exhaling in relief. His submission to your care pulled on your heartstrings, bringing about all kinds of implications you shoved to the back of your mind. Azriel didn’t know you loved him, no one did, and you certainly wouldn’t be the fool who ruined your friendship by telling him how you felt.

You washed his hair, pouring as much love and care as you could into the action, saying with your hands what you could never tell him with your tongue. You took some soap and moved onto his upper body. He obliged, holding his arm out for you. You moved down his arm, taking extra care with his hands, cleaning the blood off thoroughly. You repeated the motion with his other arm, then gave him the soap in his hand in a silent command to take over. “I’ll wait for you in your room, okay?” He nodded in confirmation.

You waited for him on his bed, listening to the sound of the faucet turning off and Azriel shuffling around as he dried himself. He came out of the bathroom with just a towel around his hips. You averted your gaze, blushing as if you hadn’t just undressed and washed him yourself. The irony wasn’t lost on Azriel either because he let out a huff of amusement.

You allowed him to change in privacy, only looking back up when he came and stood directly in front of you, clothed in pyjama bottoms and a white tee. You found a small smile on his face, making your heart swell. You got off his bed in a hurry, wrapping your arms tightly around his torso, and burying your head into his shoulder. He hugged you back tightly around your shoulders. You pulled back to get another look at his improved state, but Azriel wasn’t done with you just yet. He moves his hold to your waist, pulling you back to his body, and drops his head down to your shoulder where he rests his forehead, breathing you in once more. You’re momentarily shocked by the vulnerable display, but you quickly wrap your arms around his shoulders, closing your eyes at the sensation. You don’t know how long the two of you stay there, but you don’t dare break away this time. Azriel finally rises, meeting your gaze.

“Better?” you ask softly.

“Better.”

There’s a softness in his eyes that has your heart stuttering, not wanting to give in to the hope you feel swelling in your chest. Best friends, you remind yourself. He’s just in a vulnerable headspace. You step back. “You haven’t had anything to eat, have you?”

He shrugged. “Didn’t have much of an appetite.”

You frowned. “I’m gonna go get you something to eat. Okay?”

That softness remained in his eyes. He gave another small smile. “Okay.”

“Wait for me,” you said. His softened gaze endured.

“I’m waiting for you,” he said. You held his gaze, felt an unspoken charge pass between the two of you, and you turned to leave.

“I’m assuming it went well,” Cassian said as he came into the kitchen behind you.

The House had a nice little dinner prepared for Azriel, nothing too hard on the stomach. “Yes, he’s doing better. He bathed and changed. Why didn’t you tell me to come sooner, Cass?” you frowned at the male as he came to lean beside you against the counter.

He had a knowing smile you chose to ignore. “Because we thought we could handle your boyfriend this time without all the theatrics.”

You blushed. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Right. There’s just another super secret explanation for why you’re the only one who can calm him down when he gets all broody.”

“It’s because he’s my best friend.”

Cassian dramatically clutched his chest. “Don’t do me like that Y/N.” You laughed, taking the tray to leave, but Cassian wasn’t done. “The day you finally admit you’re in love with each other is the day you make me a very rich male.”

You rolled your eyes. “We’re not in love.” You turned to glare at him as you left the kitchen.

“Me when I lie.”

You barked a laugh, despite yourself.

“Bye Cassian. Pain in my fucking ass.”

His laughter trailed after you as you made your way back to Azriel’s room. There, you found he was indeed waiting for you. He looked settled in the light. He smiled when he saw you, lightly patting the spot beside him on the bed. You couldn’t stop your smile back even if you tried, happily making your way over. You carried his food in your hands, and he carried your heart in his.

The next day, you and Mor found yourselves coming up to the Sangravah temple. Rhys asked the two of you to do a damage assessment. Azriel was initially assigned this part of the mission, but you volunteered in his place, not wanting him to fall back into the self-blaming headspace. You’d remained in your civilian clothes, hoping to offer comfort to the surviving priestesses. You made your way through the temple, Mor taking the outside perimeter. You walked past the vestibule pillars, not seeing any priestesses. Movement at last caught your eye in a shadowy corner in one of the inner divisions, drawing you in. Once you entered, you halted in your tracks, expecting to find a mourning priestess, but instead being met with three Hybern soldiers.

You assumed a defensive stance. “Well, well,” one of them drawled, a sickening smirk on his face as he took you in. “I thought we were done with you creatures, but the Dark Mother is good.” You palmed your daggers, wondering how you’d get Mor’s attention in time. The Soldiers tutted in mockery. “Poor little priestess came back for revenge?”

You glared, slowly backing out of the room without turning, hoping they’d take the bait and follow you to the main corridor, closer to Mor’s access. They happily crept forward like predators seizing in on prey. Gullible fools. They were making this easy. Suspiciously easy, you realized, when –

You started at the feeling of a hard body behind you. Turning to attack, you found two more soldiers. With your back to the original assailants, you had to act quickly. You began swinging and lunging your daggers. Two of the soldiers grabbed your arms, disarming you; a third holding your legs to keep you from kicking. You thrashed in their hold, screaming in frustration. Panic seized your throat. You shouted for Morrigan. The soldiers laughed, making you thrash harder with rage. One backhanded you hard enough to momentarily cease your thrashing. Before you could recover, another backhanded blow whipped your head to the other side.

You were tackled to the ground, the soldier who hit you straddling your stomach, letting his weight knock the breath out of you as he continued to deliver blows, fists this time. You fought to stay conscious, fought to fill your lungs with enough breath to scream. Where is Mor? Praying she’d find you, praying she wasn’t also getting ambushed, you continued your futile thrashing until unconsciousness pulled you under.

Light drew you from your slumber, making your head throb. You didn’t remember falling asleep. You tried to feel the source of the pain in your head, bringing a hand up to your forehead. You felt your fingers constricted in wrapping, making you open your eyes in confusion. You found yourself in your bed. Azriel was by your side in an instant. You frowned at the sight of him, hair dishevelled, dark circles beneath his eyes. He looked distraught. “Az? What’s wrong?” Your voice was rough, mouth dry. He handed you water, which you sat up to drink. It all came rushing back to you, the attack at the temple. You gasped. “Where’s Mor?”

“She’s fine. She wasn’t hurt. We got there in time.”

“What?”

Azriel swallowed. “Mor spoke mind to mind with Rhys when she heard the soldiers in the temple. We all winnowed in as fast as we could. Me, Cass, and Rhys.”

“Oh,” you said. Azriel ran his hands through his hair. You caught sight of dried blood on his split knuckles. “What happened?”

Azriel exhaled. “We found them crowding over your unconscious body, Y/N.” You felt a twinge of guilt at the panic that must have caused. Azriel held your gaze. “I killed them all. I killed them all with my bare hands. Didn’t have to use one blade.” You shuddered at the intensity in his eyes, reaching your hand to him. He took it in both of his, frowning at the wrapping.

“It’s okay, I’m fine,” you tried weakly.

“I’m sorry we didn’t come sooner,” he said. The guilt was written all over his face.

You shook your head. “It’s okay, Az. I volunteered to go.”

“It was supposed to be me.”

“I know, Az. It’s okay, really.”

He kept looking at your hand cradled gently between his own. His Adam’s apple bobbed. “The sight of you unconscious on that floor, the blood on your face…” he closed his eyes, shuddering at the memory. He tried again. “When I was flying you back to the House, the whole way back, all I could think about was–” he cut himself off, shaking his head.

“Was what?” you coaxed gently.

Azriel met your gaze. “All I could think about was how I’d been too much of a coward. I… I never–” he stopped again, hesitation filling his eyes.

You squeezed his hands in encouragement.

Azriel took a deep breath. “I never told you, Y/N, that… that I love you. I’ve–I’ve been in love with you.” He took a shuddering breath. “So much,” he rasped, his voice husky with emotion. His brows were knitted together, like the admission brought him anguish. Every thought eddied from your mind, eyes widening. He loves me. “I just wish I had the chance to tell you sooner. I’m sorry– if you don’t feel the same way, I know it’s selfish for me to–” he cut himself off again, closing his eyes in reprieve, schooling his ragged breathing.

“Hey,” you said gently. You tried to keep your emotions abated, tried and failed to stop your eyes from watering. He loves me. He opened his eyes, and the torment in them had you shattering. You reached your bandaged hands up to where he was sitting on your bed, cradling his face. He kept his stare on you, eyes cautious like he was waiting to receive anger, perhaps rejection. The vulnerability in his eyes, the pain in them – your tears began falling.

“I’m sorry. Please don’t cry, it’s okay– we can just go back to being friends.” Your heart broke at his hesitation, his inability to believe you felt the same way he did. He brought his hands to your face, wiping your tears away with his thumbs as they fell.

“Azriel,” you rasped. He visibly braced himself. “I love you too,” you breathed. He closed his eyes, the relief so potent on his face that you didn’t know whether to cry harder or laugh. You gently pulled him into you, and he obliged. He buried his head into your neck, breathing deeply. Your arms immediately wound around his shoulders, squeezing him as tightly as you could to your chest. He groaned lightly, the vibration reverberating into your chest. You laughed at his reaction, the sheer intensity of it all. You felt him laugh too, felt it right against your neck.

“Mother above,” you heard a voice huff. You turned your head to find Cassian leaning in the doorway, watching the two of you. You audibly exhaled in annoyance. Azriel simply ignored him, not even bothering to raise himself from your embrace. “You two are the most dramatic people I’ve ever met. No wonder you’re so lovesick for each other. Did you rehearse your monologue while she was in a coma, Az?” You felt Azriel grin against your neck.

“Y/N,” Azriel’s baritone voice was muffled.

“Yes, Azriel,” you countered.

“Tell Cassian to get the fuck out before I also kill him with my bare hands.”

“Cassian,” you chimed earnestly, “Azriel says you need to get the fuck out before he kills you with his bare hands.” Cassian just laughed at your sarcasm and closed the door as he left. Busybody.

Azriel finally rises from your embrace. “We’re never gonna hear the end of this,” he said. His eyes were brighter than you’ve ever seen them, focused and settled.

“Definitely not,” you agreed. You frowned once more at his exhausted state. “Did you sleep at all?”

Azriel shook his head, not breaking your gaze. “I was waiting for you.”

The unsaid implication didn’t go over your head. “I know, Az. I was waiting for you too.”

taglist: @iimisty-a @feyretopia @cityofidek @cullenswife @reiincarnatiion @sfhsgrag-blog

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sweet-pea-channie · 18 days

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oh god, i definitely need a second part!

Shadows and Starlight

Azriel x Fem!Reader

Summary: You and Mor return from a long mission on the Continent. Nine Months have passed since your departure and you couldn't wait to reunite with your best friend, a best friend you'd had a crush on for centuries. Only that Azriel wasn't there when you returned home. He would only return on Starfall.

Word count: 4.5K

Warnings: A little spice at the end there. But honestly just a little! Otherwise Fluff, Reader being part of the IC!! I have not proof-read it yet.

A/N: Well, hello there! I have never posted writing for this Fandom before, so I truly hope it is enjoyable and finds it's people. Overall, I haven't really been posting on this blog in ages and felt inspired. I would love to write a second part if this is received well. This isn't proofread yet, I will do that eventually, so I apologize for possible errors. Please let me know what you think and feel free to drop into my inbox.

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The night was cool and crisp as you and Mor made your way through the streets of Velaris, the city lights casting a warm glow over the cobblestone streets. Returning to Velaris had been a relief, the mission Rhys had sent you on should have taken no longer than six weeks, lastly spanning nine months that felt like an eternity. What should have been a rather quick trip to the Continent turned out to be far more complicated than anticipated. You were supposed to look into the whereabouts of a magical artifact while Mor should keep up her work as emissary. What you did not take into account whatsoever was the uprising conflict between two of their biggest noble houses, which complicated things. Trust was not easy to come by. Diplomats and Mediators by day and treasure hunters by night. Of course, you also had plenty of time to bask in the sunlight, smothering heat seeping into the marrow of your bones. Even with Mor by your side, there had been moments of homesickness that gnawed at your heart, a longing for the familiar comforts of home that seemed to grow with each passing day.

But now, as you made your way through the streets of Velaris, you couldn't help but feel a sense of relief wash over you. The city was alive with the buzz of activity, its streets bustling with life and energy. Even the stars seemed to shine and twinkle brighter than usually, welcoming you back. It was good to be home. As you stepped into the grand foyer of the House of Wind, you felt a rush of nostalgia wash over you. Albite nine months were nothing for Fae, you had missed this. The scent of fresh bread filled the air, no doubt made by Elain. A soft smile tugged at the corner of your lips at the familiarity, your shoulders relaxing slightly.

Mor wasted no time in making herself comfortable, stomping off to the sitting room and throwing herself onto the chaise with a dramatic sigh. You couldn't help but chuckle at her antics. As she settled into the plush pillows, you perched yourself on the edge of the nearby armchair, your gaze drifting to the flickering flames in the hearth. The crackling fire cast dancing shadows across the room, its warmth a comforting embrace after the long journey home. "So, what is on your mind?" Mor's voice broke through the silence, her eyes fluttering open as she regarded you with a curious expression. You let out a soft sigh, your thoughts drifting back to the tribulations of your time overseas. "It was... intense," you replied, voice tinged with a hint of weariness. "So much happened.” You groaned then. “Cauldron boil me, I really don’t want to fill out that mission report…” Mor nodded in understanding, a sympathetic smile playing on her lips. "I can imagine, me neither" she said, her tone filled with empathy. "But Rhys will not push us. He probably missed us as much as we missed him. It’s been a while after all.”

You smiled gratefully at her words, a sense of relief washing over you. "Yeah, you're right," you agreed, your spirits lifting at the thought of being back in Velaris once more. Back home. You fell into a comfortable silence then, the crackling fire the only sound echoing in the room. But beneath the surface, you felt a restlessness stirring within yourself—a longing to see him, to feel the familiar comfort of his presence. Obviously you missed the entirety of your family wholly. Definitely not thinking about one person more than the others. At least that is what you told yourself.

"I'm going to check on Az," you said suddenly, your voice breaking the silence. "I haven't seen him in a while…" Mor raised an eyebrow inquisitively, a knowing smile playing on her lips. "Really now? Here I thought we saw none of them in a while." she teased, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "Missing someone, are we?" You felt a blush creeping into your cheeks at Mor's teasing tone, but you brushed it off with a playful roll of your eyes. "Don't be ridiculous," you retorted, though the fluttering in your chest betrayed your true feelings. With a playful wink, Mor waved you off, her attention already drifting back to the warmth of the fire. "Go on then," she said, her voice soft but encouraging. "I'll be here when you get back." And with that, you rose from your seat and made your way to Azriel's room, your heart fluttering with anticipation at the thought of seeing him again after so long. With a sense of anticipation bubbling in your chest, you picked up your pace subconsciously, your steps quick and eager. You had grown so close over the years, so comfortable in each other's company, that knocking on doors had become a formality you rarely bothered with anymore- and even if you usually still found yourself knocking from time to time, you just were too excited.

But as you pushed open the door to Azriel's room, your heart sank at the sight of the empty space before you. The room was quiet and still, save for the faint scent of cedar that lingered in the air—a stark reminder of the Male you had missed so much. Disappointment tugged at your heart as you surveyed the deserted room, your lips curling into a soft frown. It was Starfall in just a few days, you really thought, hoped, he’d be here when you returned. Before you could dwell on your thoughts any longer, a familiar voice broke through the silence, startling you. "So, Y/N, are you finally going to confess your undying love for my brother?" he quipped, his tone laced with amusement. You rolled your eyes, but a smile tugged at the corners of your lips now as you threw yourself into Cassian's awaiting arms. You had missed him, missed all of them, but the absence of Azriel weighed heavily on your heart somehow. After you pull away from your embrace, Cassian offers you a kind smile, his eyes warm with understanding.

"Hey, just so you know, Az has been on a mission for the past few days," The tall Illyrian says gently, his tone filled with reassurance. "But he should be back before Starfall." You feel a surge of relief at the news, your heart fluttering with anticipation at the thought of seeing Azriel again. You waited nine months, you could wait a few more days. "Thank you, Cass," you says sincerely, gratitude shining in your eyes. Then the tall male shifts on his foot, raising an eyebrow in mock offense, a mischievous glint dancing in his eyes. "Hey now, Y/N, I hope you're not just excited to see Az," he says with a dramatic sigh, placing a hand over his heart in mock hurt. "I mean, I know I'm not as brooding and mysterious as our Shadowsinger, but a little appreciation for your favorite warrior wouldn't hurt." You roll your eyes again with a grin, shaking your head at Cassian's antics. "Oh, please, Cass. You know you're my second favorite warrior," you quip, your tone teasing as you give him a playful shove. You share a moment of laughter before Cassian's expression turns more serious, his gaze softening as he looks at you with genuine concern. "How was the mission? Everything okay?"

Nodding, your smile faltering slightly as you recall the challenges you faced overseas. "It was... intense, to say the least. But we made it back in one piece, thanks to Mor and her quick thinking."

Cassian nods in understanding, his expression reflecting his relief. "Well, I'm glad you're both safe. We'll have to celebrate your return properly, once you've had a chance to rest." Humming you find yourself relaxing into the familiar warmth of his company. You nod in agreement then. “Yeah, Rhys always has something up his sleeve for Starfall,” you say, voice tinged with anticipation. “I can only imagine what he has planned for this year.” Both of you fall into comfortable silence for a moment. Only when a yawn claws itself up your throat and past your lips does Cassian speak again. “Does Rhys know you’re back?” His gaze is gentle in the way he looks at you, it was easy to tell that the oaf missed you just as much.

Stretching your tired muscles slightly, you nod hastily. "Yeah, you should have seen his face when he came barging into the kitchen and saw us drink tea with Feyre." A soft chuckle leaves him then, and you share a knowing grin as you both recall similar situations.

Making your way down the hall, you find Mor fast asleep on the chaise lounge in the sitting room, her features relaxed in slumber. Cassian retrieves a soft blanket from the nearby cupboard and gently drapes it over Mor's sleeping form, his movements gentle and caring.

You settle into the chairs nearby, he joins you, and the two of you engage in light conversation, catching up on the latest developments with Nesta and the Valkyrie. You share stories and anecdotes, laughter punctuating the quiet of the night as you relish in each other's company. Eventually, exhaustion catches up with you, and you bid Cassian goodnight before retreating to your own chambers for some much-needed rest.

As you settle into bed, your mind can't help but wander towards Azriel. Despite the exhaustion weighing heavy on your limbs, thoughts of him linger at the forefront of your mind, like whispers in the darkness. You can't help but wonder how he's been faring on his mission, what trials and tribulations he's faced in your absence. A pang of guilt tugs at your heart as you realize that you hadn't even sent word of your return, leaving him in the dark about your whereabouts. Closing your eyes, you try to push aside the worry and uncertainty that gnaws at your thoughts, focusing instead on the memory of his warm smile and steady presence. You find solace in the thought of seeing him again, of being reunited with the friend who has always been a steady anchor in your life. With a soft sigh, you let the rhythmic sound of your breathing lull you into a state of calm, allowing yourself to drift into a restless sleep filled with dreams of starlit skies and whispered promises. And as sleep claims you, you hold onto the hope that tomorrow will bring with it the long-awaited reunion you've been yearning for.

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The next days pass in a blur, the absence of Azriel weighing heavily on your heart despite the moments of joy spent with your family. You find solace in the familiar routines of daily life, in the laughter and chatter of your loved ones gathered together in the warmth of the House of Wind.

Mornings are filled with shared meals and lively conversation, the scent of freshly brewed coffee mingling with the aroma of freshly baked pastries. On the day before Starfall you find yourself amidst the hustle and bustle of daily life in Velaris, as you join Feyre, Mor, and Nesta for a day of dress shopping. The air is filled with the sweet scent of blooming flowers and the tantalizing aroma of freshly baked goods, adding to the festive atmosphere of the day.

As you weave through the throngs of people, your eyes alight on a quaint boutique you’re all too familiar with, nestled between two bustling shops. Its windows are adorned with elegant gowns in every shade of the rainbow, their silken fabrics shimmering in the sunlight.

With a shared glance and a knowing smile, you make your way inside, greeted by the tinkling of bells and the warm smile of the shopkeeper. The interior of the boutique is a veritable treasure trove of fashion, with racks of dresses in every style and design imaginable. As you browse through the racks, your eyes are drawn to a stunning gown in a shade of deep midnight blue, its bodice adorned with delicate lace and sparkling sequins. It catches the light in such a way that it seems to shimmer and dance with every movement, and you can't help but feel drawn to it.

Feyre picks up a flowing gown in a shade of pale lavender, holding it up against herself with a thoughtful expression. "What do you think?" she asks, turning to you and the others for their opinion. Mor nods approvingly, her eyes lighting up with excitement. "It's lovely, Feyre. You would look stunning in that." Nesta, ever the pragmatist, arches an eyebrow skeptically. "It's a bit too... ethereal for my taste," she remarks dryly. "But if it makes you happy, then go for it." You can't help but chuckle at Nesta's blunt honesty, knowing that she speaks from a place of genuine concern for her sister's happiness. "I think it's beautiful, Feyre," you offer, a warm smile tugging at the corners of your lips. "But ultimately, it's up to you." Feyre returns your smile gratefully, her eyes sparkling with gratitude. "Thank you, Y/N," she says softly, her voice filled with warmth. "I think I'll give it a try." As Feyre disappears into the dressing room to try on the gown, Mor turns to you with a glint in her eyes. "So, Y/N, have you found anything that catches your eye?" she asks, her tone teasing.

You shrug nonchalantly, though your heart races at the thought of the dress you had spotted earlier. "Maybe," you reply coyly, a playful smile playing at your lips. "There was one that caught my attention." Nesta raises an eyebrow curiously, her gaze sharpening with interest. "Oh? And what does it look like?" she inquires, her tone betraying her curiosity.

You hesitate for a moment, your cheeks flushing slightly as you recall the details of the dress. "It's... um, it's a deep midnight blue," you begin, your voice trailing off as you struggle to find the right words to describe it.

Mor's eyes light up with mischief as she interrupts, a knowing smirk on her lips. "Sounds like something a certain Shadowsinger would most definitely like," she quips, her voice filled with amusement. You feel your cheeks grow even warmer at Mor's teasing remark, knowing that there is some truth to her words. "Maybe," you mumble, unable to hide the smile that tugs at the corners of your lips.

Before the conversation can continue further, Feyre emerges from the dressing room, the lavender gown flowing around her in a cascade of ethereal beauty. You gasp in awe at the sight of her, your heart swelling with pride and admiration.

"Feyre, you look incredible," you exclaim, your voice filled with genuine awe. "That dress was made for you." Feyre blushes at the compliment, her smile radiant as she twirls in front of the mirror. "Thank you, Y/N" she says warmly, her eyes shining with happiness. "I think I've found my dress." As Feyre twirls in front of the mirror, her radiant smile lighting up the room, Mor and Nesta exchange knowing glances before turning their attention to you.

"Well, Y/N, it's your turn now," Mor says with a playful grin, her eyes sparkling again. "You can't just talk about that mysterious midnight blue dress and not show it to us."

Nesta nods in agreement, her expression curious. "Yes, I'm quite intrigued to see this dress that has caught your eye," she adds, a hint of amusement in her voice. With a nod of determination, you make your way to the dressing room, the anticipation building with each step.

As you slip into the dress, you can't help but marvel at how perfectly it fits, clinging to your curves in all the right places. The fabric is soft against your skin, the deep midnight blue hue shimmering in the light, casting an enchanting glow around you. The bodice of the dress is adorned with delicate lace, the intricate patterns weaving a spellbinding tapestry across your skin. The neckline plunges low, revealing a tantalizing glimpse of skin, while the back dips into a daring V, leaving just enough to the imagination. You take a deep breath, steeling yourself for the reactions of your companions, before stepping out of the dressing room to reveal yourself to them.

Feyre gasps in awe as she lays eyes on you, her expression filled with admiration. "Wow, Y/N, you look absolutely stunning," she exclaims, her voice filled with genuine wonder.

Mor and Nesta nod in agreement, their eyes wide with astonishment. "That dress was made for you," Mor adds. As you gaze at your reflection in the mirror, a surge of confidence courses through you. It's been so long since you've worn anything other than fighting leathers, and the sensation of silk against your skin is a welcome change. You feel sexy, beautiful, and alive in a way that you haven't in months, the weight of responsibility and duty momentarily lifted from your shoulders. For the first time in what feels like forever, you allow yourself to revel in the simple pleasure of feeling feminine and desirable.

But amidst the rush of excitement and adrenaline, there's a nagging voice in the back of your mind, whispering of doubts and insecurities. What will Azriel think when he sees you like this? Will he be pleased, impressed, or will he merely see you as the same old friend he's always known? You bite your bottom lip nervously at the thought, a flush rising to your cheeks as you imagine his reaction. But deep down, beneath the layers of uncertainty and self-doubt, there's a spark of hope flickering within you, a glimmer of possibility that maybe, just maybe, he'll see you in a new light. That maybe the feelings you had harbored for him for the past two centuries weren’t one-sided.

With a determined shake of your head, you banish the doubts from your mind, focusing instead on the here and now. Tonight, you'll revel in the joy of the moment, surrounded by friends who love and support you unconditionally. And tomorrow, well, tomorrow is another day. "I must say, I almost forgot you had it in you to clean up so nicely."

You roll your eyes playfully at Mor's teasing remark, unable to suppress a laugh at her antics. "Oh, please, Mor," you quip, your tone laced with mock indignation. "You act as if I've been wearing armor for the past century." Feyre chuckles, her eyes dancing with mirth. "Well, you certainly seem to be enjoying yourself in that dress," she remarks with a knowing smile.

Nesta, ever the pragmatist, raises an eyebrow skeptically. "Yes, but can you actually afford it?" she asks dryly, her tone tinged with amusement. You feign offense at Nesta's remark "Of course I can afford it, Nesta," you reply with a playful smirk. "I'll just put it on Rhysand's tab."

The group erupts into laughter at your comment. With a final twirl in front of the mirror, you turn to the shopkeeper with a grin. "I'll take it," you declare confidently, a sense of satisfaction washing over you as you make your purchase. "And put it on Rhysand's tab, of course."

The shopkeeper chuckles at your remark, nodding in agreement as she wraps the dress in delicate tissue paper. "Very well, Miss Y/N" she says with a smile. "I'll be sure to send the bill to the High Lord's estate."

With your new dress in hand and your spirits lifted, you bid farewell to the boutique and make your way back into the bustling streets of Velaris.

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Azriel strolls through the lush gardens of Tarquin's estate, the relentless heat of the Summer Court bearing down on him with an intensity that he finds almost suffocating. Sweat beads on his brow, trickling down his temples as he walks, and he can't help but curse the relentless sun that beats down from above, as if intent on draining him of every last ounce of energy.

He sighs heavily as he reflects on his current predicament, his thoughts drifting to the far-off lands of his homeland where snow, cold, and winter reign supreme. The sweltering heat of the Summer Court is a stark contrast to the familiar chill of the Night Court, and Azriel can't help but wonder if it's possible that he's somehow managed to burn his wings in the sun. But such thoughts are quickly pushed aside as he reminds himself of the task at hand. Everything had gone well with his meeting with Tarquin, and now he simply longs to retire to his chambers and escape the oppressive heat for a few precious hours of rest.

As he continues on his way, Azriel can't help but think about the upcoming Starfall celebration. Tomorrow would mark the end of his short mission in the Summer Court, and he couldn't wait to return home to Velaris. The thought of spending Starfall without Y/N weighs heavily on his mind, and he can't help but feel a pang of longing in his chest at the prospect. Suddenly, a voice breaks through his thoughts, a familiar presence intruding upon his mind with the ease of a whisper on the wind. It's Rhys, reaching out to him.

"Enjoying the summer heat, brother?" Rhys's voice echoes in his mind, a hint of amusement lacing his words. "Remember, not all of us are fortunate enough to have wings to shield us from the sun's rays."

Azriel can't help but snort at Rhys's teasing, the sound reverberating silently within his own mind. "I'd take a blizzard over this heat any day," he replies, his tone dry with sarcasm. "At least in the Winter Court, I wouldn't feel like I'm about to melt into a puddle."

Rhys's laughter fills his mind. "Ah, but where's the fun in that?" he quips "Besides, think of it as a challenge. A test of endurance, if you will."

Azriel shakes his head incredulously at his brother's words, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips despite himself. "You would find amusement in my suffering, wouldn't you?" he retorts. But Rhys's next words carry a weight of sincerity that catches Azriel off guard. "In all seriousness, Az, you'll be home before you know it," He assures him, his voice filled with warmth and encouragement. "Starfall is just around the corner, and there are loved ones eagerly awaiting your return."

There's a cryptic hint in Rhys's words, a subtle suggestion that Azriel can't quite decipher. He furrows his brows in confusion, his mind racing as he tries to make sense of his brother's words. After all, he's only been gone for a week. Rhys's voice fades from Azriel's mind, leaving him with a sense of calm and reassurance. "Until tomorrow, brother," he murmurs silently.

Azriel retreats for the night, the weight of exhaustion heavy on his shoulders. As he settles into his chambers, a sense of relief washes over him at the thought of returning home tomorrow.

His mind wanders to how he'll spend his first day back in Velaris, imagining the familiar streets and faces that he's missed so dearly the past week. But amidst the anticipation, there's a nagging sense of longing that tugs at his heart. Clasping his scarred hands together, Azriel reaches into the pocket of his bag and pulls out a crumpled piece of parchment. It's a letter from Y/N, the only way they've been able to stay in contact while she's been away on her mission.

He doesn't know why he took the letter with him, but holding it in his hands brings a sense of serenity and comfort. Even though their last exchanged letters had been about a month ago, knowing that Y/N is safe and well brings him a measure of peace.

With a sigh, Azriel unfolds the parchment and reads over her words once more, the familiar handwriting bringing a smile to his lips. He makes a silent promise to himself to write to her as soon as he gets home. But now, as he prepares to return home for the celebration, he can't help but feel a pang of sadness at the thought of Y/N missing out. He wonders what she might be doing on Starfall, if she's found a way to make the most of the day despite being apart from their shared family.

Azriel knew how she hadn’t missed a single Starfall since… The heavy feeling of subdued rage settles in the pits of his stomach at the thought of what she endured during those dark years under the Mountain. He wishes he could have been there to protect her, to shield her from the horrors of their captivity.

His thoughts drift to a darker memory then, one that haunts him even now. He remembers her broken body, her spirit shattered and her light dimmed, when she and Rhys returned after Feyre broke the curse. The sight of her lying there, broken and bruised, fills him with a sense of sorrow and rage unlike anything he's ever known. He can still feel the weight of her pain, the echoes of her suffering lingering in the recesses of his mind. In that moment, all he wanted was to take her pain away, to hold her close and mend her broken spirit. Azriel thinks of the first Starfall after they returned from under the mountain, how Y/N had opened up about her grief and trauma for the first time. He can still see the sadness in her eyes, the weight of her pain etched into every line of her face. It was a stark contrast to the joyous celebration unfolding around them, a reminder of the darkness that still lingered. From that day forward, Y/N never missed a single Starfall celebration.

As Azriel drifts off to sleep, frustration gnaws at his insides like a relentless beast. Despite his best efforts to push Y/N from his mind, she lingers there like a haunting specter, her presence weaving through his thoughts and dreams with an undeniable persistence. Rubbing his hand over his face in a futile attempt to banish the memories, Azriel can't help but feel a sense of shame at the intensity of his longing for her. He prides himself on his control, on his ability to keep his emotions in check, but she has a way of unraveling him like no one else.

And then there are the dreams - vivid and all-consuming, they play out like scenes from a forbidden fantasy, leaving Azriel feeling both exhilarated and guilty in their wake. They were friends. Just friends. Best friends, actually. And even though this urge was nothing completely unfamiliar, these thoughts had overtaken him completely as soon as she left.

Again his mind wandered. Asking himself how her lips would feel clashing against his, how she would wrap her arms around his neck, having to crane her neck for a kiss due to their height difference. What she would taste like, what sounds he could coax out of her. How those exact plush lips would feel wrapped around his cock.- A growl leaves him through clenched teeth. His eyebrows pinched as he squeezes his eyes shut, palming himself through his briefs. Confusion etched on his beautiful face then, because he just could not understand. She was his best friend, so why could he not stop thinking about her like this? Thus, so very determined, he decided that this had to change, while simultaneously fisting his heavy cock in one of his hands. "Fuck"

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I hope you enjoyed this little piece of my imagination. Feedback is always welcome and appreciated! Please let me know if you'd like a part 2 :)

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sweet-pea-channie · 24 days

Text

this is so sweet :) i love that Az is the one asking them to stay :)

Just a Dream

Azriel x Fem!reader

Summary: after a long day you come home to the house of wind to find Azriel having a nightmare.

Warnings: fluff, comfort, talk of nightmares, mentions of family and friend death, not too detailed, though, not proof read

Word count: 2.1k

a/n: Hello, God? It’s me again. I’m here on both knees to offer you some bbg Azriel content. This man is tormented, just the way I like them. First Azriel fic, and first ACOTAR fic in general, so please don’t kill me if I get any of the lore wrong (I read these books a while ago and barely remember the plot😅). This came to me in a dream. I’m just kidding. I’m gonna quit my yapping and go now. Minors please go away. Enjoy :)

It had been a long day. Your mission had taken longer than you had expected. Rhys, your High Lord, had sent you to do a routine check on the southern border, but of course, since it was your turn to do this check, a fight had broken out, one that you had to break up, and smooth over, and make sure wouldn’t happen again, and file a report for. By the time you were done, it was already dark out.

You double checked you had completed everything you needed to do, as well as make sure you had filled out that report correctly. Gods forbid you forgot to fill in one pesky section. Rhys would be on your ass about it for weeks. Finally, when you had double checked everything and grown too tired to care if you had forgotten something, you winnowed back to the house of wind, your home.

It was quiet, not even the noise of the house settling could be heard. You tip-toed your way to the kitchen for a little something to eat, your long and busy day allowing no time for dinner. You made yourself a plate, stacking crackers, cheese, meats, and fruits atop one another. The house provided a glass of cold water for you, and you took it, thanking the house silently.

You made your way up to your room. You didn’t want to stay in the kitchen for fear you would make too much noise. So you padded up the steps and down the hallway, but before you could make it to your room, you heard muffled noises coming from inside the Shadowsinger’s chambers. At first you thought it was the noises of a well spent night, but as you grew closer, something you had no choice in doing since to get to your room you had to pass Azriel’s door, the muffled noises were that of distress.

“No, no please! Don’t!” you heard the Shadowsinger call out. He must be having a nightmare, you thought. You did not know what possessed you to open his door and walk right in, but you did. You saw the Illarian sprawled out on his massive bed, blankets tangled around his legs and damp from sweat. His bare chest heaved and glistened with a sheen of cold perspiration.

You put your plate of food and glass of water down on the dresser, then slowly closed the door behind you. You did not want anyone to find you in here, but you also did not want Azriel's nightmare to wake the whole house. You were all aware he had them, everyone in this house had them, and occasionally one would be bad enough to wake the whole floor. The fact that everyone had them made the embarrassment more manageable, but it was embarrassing nonetheless. And you did not want Azriel to be embarrassed.

You took a moment to consider how best to wake him. He was thrashing slightly, his movements becoming more rapid, and he was crying out louder now. You needed to pull him from this dream, and soon. You chose to call his name quietly, in hopes that would pull him out of his torment, but your efforts were futile. You decided you were going to have to touch him.

You made your way to the side of his bed and sat. You turned to face him, so that your right leg was on the bed, bent at the knee, body facing the headboard. You gently took his hand in yours, then slowly began tracing circles on the top of it. This seemed to stir him just a little, but not enough. He was still squirming, eyelids twitching, still calling out in distress.

“Please, don’t! Take me instead. I deserve…” he trailed off. You began calling his name, starting quiet but getting louder. You were sliding your free hand up and down his arm soothingly, the other held tight in Azriel’s scarred hand. But your efforts were still not working.

You shifted your body fully onto the bed now, kneeling next to him, making sure you weren’t pinning his wings. “Azriel, it’s just a dream. Wake up. You’re safe,” you cooed. With your free hand, you cupped his cheek, trying to stop his shaking. “Az, wake up! Please!” Your pleading was getting louder, and you were scared you were going to be the one to wake the whole floor. “It’s just a dream. You are safe. It’s just a dream.”

In an instant Azriel sat up and frantically grabbed onto you. He was disoriented, upset, and panicky, but your words calmed him. “Azriel, you were dreaming. You’re alright. It was just a dream,” you told him. You smoothed away the hair that was stuck to his forehead with sweat. Cupping his cheek, you forced his eyes to meet yours. You searched those hazel depths, trying to gauge his understanding of the situation. “It was just a dream, Az,” you repeated, and did not break eye contact until he nodded that he understood. When he started to calm down you removed your hand from his cheek, dropping it down to the hand clasped in your other one. “Just a dream,” he murmured, nodding slightly.

You suddenly became very aware that you were in a half-dressed Illarian male’s bed. Azriel was one of your dearest friends, but that didn’t make the situation any less awkward. It’s not like you’ve never been in his room, or seen him without a shirt, it was just never both at the same time. Trying not to dwell on it, you asked, “Do you want to talk about it,” for which he promptly shook his head. “Would you like some food?” you offered, remembering the plate of food that still sat on his dresser. He looked up at you questioningly, so you slid off the bed, walked over and grabbed the plate of food, then walked back, presenting it to him with a half-grin on your face.

“Why?” he simply asked, growing increasingly confused.

“I just got back from my mission and didn’t get the chance to eat dinner, so I was gonna take this to my room so that I wouldn't wake anyone up but I heard you, so…” you trailed off. He nodded in understanding.

“So this is your dinner?” he asked, trying not to dwell on the last part of your sentence, the fact that he was talking and you heard him. It was your turn to nod.

“Ya, but I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach. You can have some,” you reassured, grabbing a grape and popping it into your mouth. You lowered the plate onto the bed next to him, then sat. Az took a cube of cheese and a cracker, then slid them into his mouth in one fell swoop. He chewed slowly, then swallowed. He was sitting up now, his sheets still tangled in his legs, but he seemed to be calming down a great deal.

“There was a fight that broke out at the border today,” you offered, trying to distract him further from what remained of his dream. “Right when I was almost done, too! I had to stay an extra two hours to smooth everything over. Ridiculous!” you exclaimed. Az breathed out a huff of amusement, a small smile making its way onto his lips. “Oh, you think it's funny?” you teased with an incredulous tone. His smile was starting to part his lips, and you couldn’t resist yourself, you smiled back.

“Thank you,” he said, picking up a strawberry and raising it to you in thanks.

“No problem,” you replied. You were about to stand up and leave, but he stopped you with a hand over yours.

“What did… what was I saying?” he asked you shyly.

“Oh um…” you were startled by his question slightly. You didn’t want to bring up a sore subject, but he was the one asking, so you guessed it was alright. “Ya know just the usual “no, please don’t”’s and the “take me instead”’s. Very chivalrous of you, might I add.” You wanted to lighten the mood a bit, but it didn’t seem to be working. There was a line between the Shadowsinger’s eyebrows, and his eyes were downcast. “You also said you deserved to go instead, but that part was a little unclear.” You didn’t mean to pry, but you were curious. And if Azriel thought he deserved to die instead of someone else because he deserved it, well you were going to have to fix that opinion real quick.

Az simply nodded. It did not seem like he wanted to elaborate on that last part, so you offered up one of your most common nightmares in hopes it would comfort him. “I often dream about my family being killed in front of me. That I am restrained or incapacitated in some way that prevents me from helping. And I always seem to offer myself in exchange for their lives. It never works, though.” His eyes were on you now, sorrow-filled hazel that glittered in the moonlight streaming through the windows. His fingers had taken up tracing lines on the hand of yours that was clasped in his.

“That's not your fault,” he whispered. You both sat there for a long minute. “I was…” he started, but seemed to think better of it. You placed your free hand over his, encouraging him to continue. He took a deep breath. “In my dream, Cassian was in trouble. He’s my brother, my closest friend, I couldn’t just do nothing. I offered myself as an alternative. Cass is so good, so much better than me. I guess I just thought… he deserves to live,” he paused, “more than I do.” he finished, and it took everything in you not to break down right in front of him.

“Azriel,” your tone was firm. “You are good. So good. You are amazing, and so so loved. And I know it was just a dream… but our thoughts influence them, and they influence us. Please believe me when I say you do not deserve to die in the place of someone else because it would be better, or because you are not good enough. You are.” Tears were threatening to pool in your eyes. Azriel was one of your closest friends, and your life would be incomplete without him in it. You lifted your hand to caress his cheek, pouring comfort and reassurance through your touch.

He nodded. “Thank you,” he said again. “For waking me up, and for your words. And for the food,” he added after a small pause. You gave him a small smile, and he returned it. You got up to leave, wanting to take a hot bath and change, but he stopped you. “Can you…can you stay, maybe?” he asked. You grinned, how could you not? You loved his awkwardness.

“Yes. But under conditions.” He waited for you to continue. “I stink, so I’m going to take a bath. And then I’ll come back in, okay? Give me thirty minutes.” he nodded once again.

You made your way to your room, plate of food and glass of water in hand. You quickly bathed, and ate, then changed into your sleeping clothes. You weren't going to lie to yourself, either. You were glad Az asked you to stay in his room. Both of you calmed each other down in a way no one else could. This was not the first time you had slept in each other's beds, either. Your relationship was strictly platonic, but Azriel’s cuddles were unmatched, and you always seemed to sleep better in his presence, the same going for him.

Once you were done bathing and changing, you made your way back to the Shadowsinger’s room. He had changed the sheets of his bed, and was now wearing a shirt. He sat propped against his headboard reading a book. You made sure to close the door behind you, then made your way over to his bed. You pulled the blankets back and crawled in, snuggling right into the side of him. He dog-eared his page in the book (an act that almost made you get back up and leave) and set it on his night stand. He sank down into his bed and wrapped his arms around you. And there you both slept, peacefully, dreaming of absolutely nothing.

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sweet-pea-channie · 30 days

Text

This made me so emotional 🥹 oh god I loved every second of it

No Contact

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader

Word Count: 7.6k

Tags: ANGST with a happy ending, amnesia, memory loss, grief, pining, yearning, hurt/comfort

Summary: It was one of the worst car accidents the city has seen. You weren't supposed to be in that car, but you were. When you lose your memories from the incident, Chan is ordered to stay away for your recovery's sake; but it takes a larger toll on him than anyone could have imagined. Until one day, he just can't take it anymore.

A/N: inspired by this post. Angst ahoy <3 I had too much fun writing this. Maybe I like writing emotions. Enjoy <3

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No contact. That’s what Chan was told was best for you. That’s what was going to help your healing process.

No contact whatsoever. No texts, no calls, no little surprise visits. No fucking contact. None.

He was told it would just hurt you if he talked to you— that he would just make it worse. That you would only become more confused and upset. It would be absolutely detrimental for him to see you.

Hell, it might even make you worse.

It’s killing Chan slowly. Every single day feels like torture for him. The days get exponentially worse. He feels like a hollow shell of his former self, like the wind goes through him when he steps foot outside. It feels like his shoulders are permanently sagged forward.

But the worst part is that you don’t even know it. You don’t know how he’s collapsing inwards like a dying star.

It was one of the worst car accidents the city has seen in years. A friend was driving you home that night; Chan had begged to be the one to pick you up, but no, you said it was fine, the friend was heading that way anyway. Why make the unnecessary trip?

You told him he needed sleep. Always putting his needs before your own. You always did.

He should’ve put up more of a fuss. He should’ve put his foot down. He should’ve already been outside the house in his car with the passenger seat warmer on by the time you left that stupid party.

He should’ve gotten out of the car and opened the door for you and had a cold bottle of water waiting in the cup holder. He should’ve kissed you on the cheek and asked you all about your time. He should have been there.

But he wasn’t.

A drunk driver slammed into the passenger side of your friend’s car at a speed that you shouldn’t have even survived.

Miracles do happen, though. But what a price to pay for a miracle.

For as long as he lives, Chan will never forget the sheer panic and terror he felt when the call came in from your mother. You were already at the hospital undergoing emergency surgery.

He was the last to know.

After all, he wasn’t your emergency contact. He’s only your boyfriend.

Was. Was your boyfriend. Was? Is that the right word? He isn’t. But he is. There was no breakup.

Is that what he’s going through right now? A breakup?

You’re not on a break. But what is this? What is this loss? This severance is so horrible.

It’s fucked up. It’s a fucked up, amnesia induced breakup.

Memory loss is a funny thing. Doctors scratch their heads and shrug their shoulders without any answers. The brain is a tricky thing.

Chan did what he was allowed to in that hospital. He sat in that stark white room under those harsh LED lights and he waited until you were awake. He even waited much longer after that because only two visitors were permitted inside your room at a time— and he wasn’t about to force his way in and kick one of your parents out.

He let your sister go in first. He even let your cousin go in before him. But when it was finally his turn…

He never got to see you.

“The last five years?” Chan asked with a tight throat. Did he even have any more tears left to cry? How is there any liquid left in his body?

“She says doesn’t remember anything, Chan.” Your mother’s voice was just as hollow as his. “She was asking about her freshman roommate.”

A doctor stood in between him and your mom. “It’s best if we don’t throw everything at her at once. Amnesia victims rarely never get their memories back, but we’ve found that it needs to happen organically. Seeing her will overwhelm her and that could stunt the healing process.”

Chan’s mouth opened and closed several times but no words came out at all. His heart may have stopped.

Does that mean…?

No…

“He can’t see her at all?” Your mother asked quietly. “Not even to visit? He doesn’t have to mention he’s her boyfriend, he can just say that he’s a friend, or a coworker, or—“

The doctor cut her off. “No contact. Not until we’re a bit through recovery and she’s starting to get her memories back.”

Chan was suddenly in a chair.

When did he sit down? The Doctor’s hands were on his shoulders and he was looking down at him with a sympathetic stare.

“It’s not forever, son.”

Chan was only able to nod. His mouth was so dry, the back of his neck felt clammy. His head was spinning.

Books often speak of moments as ‘Earth-shattering’. Of moments so catastrophic that the planet stops spinning on its axis and time stands still.

He gets it now.

The doctor spoke a few more words to your mother before walking away. She looked down at Chan sadly.

Your mother sat on the chair next to him and wrapped him up in a hug. His world was falling apart around him. You were slipping through his fingers. He couldn’t even see you.

Hot tears poured down his face while he sat there with his head in his hands. Why does it feel like he’s losing you? Why is this the only way? Why are these the cards that are being dealt?

Why didn’t he pick you up from that fucking party?

“She loves you, Chan… she’ll come to her senses, I promise, I promise.”

It’s been two months, one week, two days and eight hours since he’s talked to you. That long since he’s known peace. Since he’s known any sort of comfort.

You’re the last thing he thinks about before he closes his eyes at night and the first thing he thinks about in the morning. No matter how many times he wakes up and feels the cold bed next to him, it never dulls the ache in his chest.

It’s not a healthy mindset, he knows. And it’s not that you were codependent on one another, that’s not it at all. You were just… ripped away from him.

Food has no taste. The sky isn’t as blue as it used to be. Clouds don’t make fun shapes like they did with you by his side. The stars are still in the sky, he thinks, he hasn’t had the guts to look at them.

God, you love the stars so much. You always talked about how pretty they are— how absolutely breath-taking you think the universe is. Chan would simply listen, he would always listen. All he ever wanted to do was listen.

How is he supposed to look at anything the same way? How is any day supposed to be normal when half of his life is suddenly missing. What’s the point of making music if you’re not there to listen to it?

5:00 PM is the hardest hour to get through. You don’t open the door to his apartment when you get off work. You don’t tell him about the things that happened during your shift.

He can’t leave little snacks out on the counter for you to eat when you get home like he used to.

Mice would get to it before you did.

His lonely apartment is slowly losing your smell. He could spray your perfume, sure, you keep a bottle at his place, but it’s not the same. You somehow made the scent sweeter by letting it linger on your skin.

All of your old toiletries are still there where you left them. Your spare toothbrush has been bone dry and untouched since 9:28 AM that morning. Your shampoo bottles are still half full and waiting for you on your shower shelf.

It had rained a few days before your accident. You had started a puzzle on his dining room table that day– you told him it was the perfect rainy day activity. It was a picture of different comic book covers. It’s now collecting dust. Unmoved and unsolved.

Just like him.

It was a battle and a half to throw away your leftovers from two nights before your car accident. He felt like he was throwing away your normal life, your tiny domestic traces.

He didn’t want to cleanse you from his life, but you were washing away. Your ghost was eroding with time.

Your spare car keys are still hanging on the key ring. Your rain coat is on the third hook draped right over your work bag. Even your phone charger is still plugged into the wall on your side of the bed.

Did you know you forgot to put your favorite gold earrings on that night? You left them on the nightstand. They’re still there, don’t worry. Right next to the glass of water you drank half of.

Do you even remember them…? He got them for you for your first Christmas together.

There are so many signs of a life interrupted integrated so deeply into his.

You’re a clock whose hands stopped suddenly at 1:24 AM.

This sort of haunting is unbearable. You’re not a phantom in his life, though. You’re something so unattainable that he had once but it was taken away with empty promises of return.

It’s like you’re a shiny diamond hidden away beneath lasers and traps like in those stupid, cheesy spy movies you love so much.

Do you know what he would give to watch one of those with you in his arms right now?

Chan feels like he’s banging on the glass of a one sided window, screaming for you to remember him. Meanwhile you’re on the other side only staring into a mirror, trying to pick up the pieces from before.

Your mom sends him updates on your condition all the time. He knows that you started working at the local library about three weeks ago.

You had worked there in college before graduating and getting your last job. It was one of your favorite jobs you ever had. That library was so special to you.

To him too.

It’s the library where he first met you.

The same library Chan finds himself in front of now.

He shouldn’t go in. He can’t go in. He absolutely should not go inside.

Bang Chan you should not and cannot go inside this library. Under no circumstances should you step foot inside this building where your other half is working.

Absolutely not.

The door emits a soft ding when he opens it. Electronic. Quiet. Peaceful.

There’s a certain type of silence that sits in a library. It’s closer, thicker— warmer. It’s an expected silence. They’re supposed to be quiet.

Chan can hear his sneakers take every step on the carpeted floor. There’s no one sitting behind the front desk; that’s where you usually were.

His eyes look all around, but there’s no sign of you anywhere. A few people toddle around the shelves.

There’s more soft beeping coming from the self checkout. That’s new. They didn’t have that when you worked here years ago. You probably hate it.

On the day he met you, you were wearing a pair of dark green pants and a black long sleeve shirt. Your hair was clipped behind your head and pieces were falling over your face.

Chan was only in the library to look for the bathroom. He was on his way to lunch with a friend, but he just had to stop somewhere. The library was the closest option.

When he had heard the sound of books falling, he investigated and found you in the center of the carnage, the glasses on your nose sat crookedly and you rubbed your head.

Your eyes met. He was a goner.

How disgustingly poetic that he finds himself here now. Where he really shouldn’t be. He was quite literally prescribed a restraining order against you.

Chan meanders around with his hands in his pockets, the silence getting louder and louder the further he gets inside.

Maybe you’re not working today?

No one is anywhere to be seen. He’s checking down all the aisles but he doesn’t see you anywhere.

Maybe it’s for the best that you’re not here. He’s not supposed to see you anyway. He’s breaking the doctor’s rules by doing this anyway.

He needs to leave. He needs to get out of here.

His feet stop in front of the very aisle where he saw you for the first time.

Empty.

You-less.

If he thinks hard enough, Chan can picture you in front of him, laughing quietly with the most adorable, embarrassed blush on your cheeks.

What a moment.

Is it possible to spend eternity in that moment? Obviously internal clocks can be rewound, paused, flipped every which way; can he go back to that day? Can he go back to the day where every single poem suddenly made sense?

He would take any day, really, any day that had you in it. Birthdays, holidays, late night dates, Hell, he’d even take a day where he only saw you when you dropped off a drink for him in his studio.

Anything, he would take anything just to see your smile bloom on your face while he watches.

“Can I help you find something?”

His breath catches in his throat, it feels like he’s physically punched in the chest. That voice. That beautiful, melodic voice. He hasn’t heard it in person in months, only in videos he had on his phone.

Slowly, Chan turns to face the source of his favorite pitch.

His throat immediately tightens.

There you are. You. Beautiful you.

Standing right there. Looking at him like a complete fucking stranger.

“I…” his voice is hoarse. Chan can feel the tears in his eyes begin to form. He didn’t think this through, did he?

You’re staring at him expectantly, waiting for him to say anything. You’re waiting, come on, Chan. Speak up. Say something.

Looking up at the shelf, you look back down at him with a smile. “A history guy, hm?”

No.

“Yeah.”

You giggle. “I always had a thing for History.”

He knows.

“Really?”

“Mhmm.” You respond with a grin.

Specifically Ancient Rome. He knows.

You continue. “Specifically Ancient Rome.”

Chan nods and clears his throat. His palms feel so sweaty. His chest is almost panting. Every single cell in his body just wants to lunge forward and wrap you in a hug.

He wants to bury his face in your neck and sob while you hold him. He wants to tell you that he missed you so much. He wants to tell you how your pillow is losing the scent of your shampoo. He wants to tell you that he’s been DVR-ing your favorite show so that you can watch it later. He wants to tell you about his day. He wants to kiss you until you’re breathless. He wants you to hear the new song he’s been working on.

But—

“If you need anything, let me know.”

You start to walk away.

Chan feels his heart physically break. It’s happening again. He’s on the other side of that one way mirror. It’s happening again! No, no please.

His eyes widen, the words get caught in his throat. Fuck, Y/N, please!

“W-Wait!” he says quickly.

You turn around with a curious look.

“The Odyssey,” he blurts. “Where uh… where can I find it?”

Your eyes light up. “Oh, I love The Odyssey.”

He knows. You collect different translations of it.

“I collect different translations of that book, here I’ll show you where it is.”

With a little hop in your step you lead him towards all the classics.

He watches you like you’re an oasis in the desert— maybe it’s because you are. You’re what he’s been crawling towards for two months.

You lead him all the way to the shelf where the Odyssey lives. Your nimble fingers reach forward and grab one of the copies.

Green nail polish. You still paint your nails green. You picked that habit up a year after he met you.

The memories have to be there, Y/N, they have to be. Chan bought you that first bottle of green nail polish as a joke on Saint Patrick’s Day.

Y/N, please.

“This translation is my favorite,” you whisper and hand him the book.

Chan smiles sadly and takes the book from you, unable to meet your eyes. He knows if he gazes into those gorgeous eyes that he’ll lose it. He’ll fall to his knees and cry.

“Thank you,” he whispers back.

You stand there for a moment, he can feel your eyes on his face. He always has been able to tell when you were looking at him, it’s a little, secret superpower.

From foot to foot, your weight shifts.

You only do that when you’re confused. Why are you confused? Y/N, are you confused?

“I’m sorry…” you start, sounding so unsure. “You remind me of someone…”

It feels like a defibrillator was hooked up to his chest. Chan’s eyes widen and he finally looks up at you.

You’re looking at him so carefully. He can see the gears turning in your head. Your tongue pokes out of your lips and wets them.

Y/N, please.

“I just… I can’t figure out who. Do I… do I know you? I was—” You stop yourself.

Fuck. Fuck! What was he supposed to say? Fuck!

Chan wants to scream. He wants to grab you by the shoulders and cry that he’s your soulmate, that he’s the person that knows you better than anyone else in this world.

Yes, you do, you do know him. And he knows you. He knows how you take your coffee, what movies make you cry, what color jell-o is your favorite.

He knows that you never wear matching socks and you always lift your feet when driving over railroad tracks.

He knows that when you were 6 you ran into the corner of a cabinet and that’s how you got that scar next to your eyebrow.

Chan knows that your entire life you wanted to be an author but you’re so scared of failure that you decided not to chase after it.

He knows everything.

“I just have one of those faces, I guess.” It comes out of his mouth so strained.

You stare back at him so carefully. Do you see right through him?

“Maybe,” you say slowly. You don’t believe him. He knows that tone. You absolutely do not believe a word he’s saying. “Are you sure?”

Chan swallows, he grips the book in his hand tighter. The lump in his throat almost doesn’t go down, more tears prick at his eyes.

“I would never forget a face like yours,” he chokes out.

Your eyes widen and you blush, looking to the side with a smile. You always were a sucker for cheesy compliments.

After thinking for a second, you reach into your pocket and take out a little slip of paper.

“Here,” you say after scribbling something down. Holding it out, Chan sees it’s your phone number. He has it memorized. “If you ever need more books to read… or find… call me.”

Chan takes the paper with a racing heart. He gives you a smile, his dimples showing. “I think I will,” he whispers to you.

Another few moments pass of you just staring at him before you nod and giggle nervously. “Well, I gotta get back to work, so..”

Chan nods and moves to the side. You walk past him.

Your perfume curls around him like a blanket and he craves that sweet serenity he finds when he holds you close and breathes you in.

Three steps after you pass him, you turn around. “Oh, I didn’t catch your name.”.

“Chan,” he answers softly.

“Chan,” you repeat. It goes right through him.

Your voice. Your sweet, beautiful, melodic voice. Finally, he heard you say his name again.

“I’m Y/N,” you whisper to him with a friendly smile.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N.” Chan has to physically force the word ‘meet’ out of his mouth.

“You too, Chan.”

And with that, you were gone, retreating back into your fortress of papyrus.

—————————————————————

A bad idea was going into the library that day.

An even worse idea was texting you the day after to ask how your day is going.

And then an absolutely fucking idiotic move was asking if you wanted to go to dinner with him.

And the worst part? You said yes.

So, now here Chan was, standing in front of the mirror in his bedroom getting ready for what you thought was a first date, but to him was just a dinner date.

How is he supposed to do this? He’s not, that’s how.

Chan fiddles with his bracelet right before his phone rings.

His heart drops when he sees the caller ID, your mother.

“Ah, fuck…” he whispers before grabbing his phone. Of course you were going to tell your mom, you tell your mom everything.

“Hello?” he asks warily into the phone.

“Hi, Chan,” she says slowly, she sounds nervous, why does she sound nervous.

“How are you? Is everything okay?”

“It’s Y/N…” Her voice lowers. Chan’s heart drops. “Before you panic, she’s okay! It’s um.. she’s getting ready right now… for a date…”

Chan isn’t moving. Yes, he knows you are. He knows it. But words won’t form in his mouth.

“Channie.. I’m starting to wonder if that doctor isn’t right.. I can’t stand the thought of her finding someone else when you’re waiting for her… I tried to talk her out of it but she just seems so floaty and happy. God, I feel sick to my stomach.”

His jaw clenches. Now or never.

“It’s with me,” he blurts.

Your mom goes silent. Then a huge sigh comes out of her mouth.

“I wish I could say I’m angry,” a little laugh follows it. “I think I’m only angry that you didn’t say something.”

He tells her everything, down to the way he pretended not to know you.

“Well, you’re going to have to tell her eventually.” Your mom sounds unsure, herself.

“Or maybe she’ll remember me.”

“What if she doesn’t?”

Chan sits down on the edge of his bed. His eyes are staring at the wall, unfocused.

She’s right. What if you don’t?

“Then, I’ll just … do it all again.”

Silence greets him on the other side of the line. Another tiny laugh comes from your mom. “I always knew you two were perfect together. Just like two magnets, you always come towards one another.”

—————————————————————

“I’ve never eaten here before,” you say with a chipper smile on your face from across the table.

Yes, you have.

“Really?” Chan asks, taking a sip of his water.

“I pass it all the time and always wondered how the food was.”

He looks back down at the old menu.

This restaurant was more than special to him. It’s where he took you on your first date. It’s an old fashioned burger joint with the greasiest, most delicious French fries in town.

The first time you guys came here, you talked and talked until the place closed. And even after that, you drove around and talked until it was late.

“I’ve been here a few times, it’s really good. The milkshakes are some of the best I’ve ever had.” Chan’s sweaty hands fiddle with the menu.

He’s more nervous now than on the first date.

“What’s the best one?” you ask with a smile.

A small laugh comes out of his nose. “The peanut butter one.”

It was your favorite.

“Yeah but then you can’t have any,” you say so nonchalantly, looking down at the menu.

His eyebrows knit together. “What?”

“‘Cause of your allergy.”

He stops.

You stop.

He has a peanut allergy. Chan has a peanut allergy.

His lips purse like he’s going to say something but you beat him to the punch.

“I’m sorry,” you blurt out. “I… I don’t know why I thought that.” Your hands grip the menu a little tighter. “Maybe I’m thinking of someone else?”

Chan shakes his head. “No, no, it’s okay. I… I do have a peanut allergy. Maybe I said something before?”

You stare at him for a long second before looking back down at the menu once more. “Yeah… um. Maybe.”

He definitely did not say something.

Dinner continues on. Chan listens to you talk and pretends he’s never heard your stories before and he tells you ones he knows he’s said before.

The entire time, you were beaming at him, just like you used to before the accident. Your face never loses its constant happy glow. He’s not sure that the muscles in your face know how to frown.

You’re the last two people in the restaurant. The staff doesn’t seem to mind. Maybe they recognize you both. Maybe.

A lull dips into your conversation. Both of you know you should leave. Neither wants to. Especially the broken man sitting across from you.

Chan takes the last sip of his drink. The bill has been paid for about an hour at this point. You’re looking down at your lap with a pink flush on your cheeks.

You bite your lip and look up at Chan carefully.

“Are you… are you sure I don’t know you, Chan?”

He stares at you. Did you know that you always bite your lip like that when you’re confused?

“I just… I really feel like I know you. There’s just…” you pause, trying to find your words. He knows you want to tell him about the accident. He knows you want to say it but you don’t want to weird him out.

What the fuck is he supposed to do? What is he supposed to tell you?

“Something happened to me a little while ago, my brain’s been… fuzzy since then,” you explain shyly. “I know you said you don’t know me but I just… I can’t help feel like that’s not true.”

Chan’s jaw clenches, his knee bounces anxiously underneath the table. His head turns to the side in his typical nervous tick.

Your mother’s words echo in his mind, his tongue suddenly feels like it’s swelling to the size of his mouth— making him unable to speak. Should he tell you? Is it now or never?

“I don’t mean to make it weird, Chan.”

He licks his lips and opens his mouth.

Your phone rings.

A sigh of relief comes from deep within Chan’s chest.

Reluctantly, you pick up the phone and hold it to your ear. “Hello? …. No, I didn’t know…. Yeah, of course…. Sure… Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

Just as quickly as you answered the phone, you hang up.

“Sorry,” you mumble. “Someone called out of work for tomorrow, they need me to come in.”

“Do you need to get going?” Chan asks, looking down at the time. It’s well past 10 o’clock.

A sad smile crosses your face. “I mean… probably.” The time on your watch flashes back at you. He can tell you don’t want to go home yet.

“Come on, Y/N, I’ll walk you home.”

Chan’s already standing up from the table, picking his jacket up off the back of his chair. You watch his movements and slowly get up, your movements screaming reluctance.

—————————————————————

It’s three dates later when the two of you are walking down the street towards your house. It’s only a few blocks from here, but you both decide to take a tiny detour through the local park.

“I have to say I’m a little excited to meet your friends,” you giggle. “I hope that’s not weird.”

You already have.

“It’s not weird at all. I’m sure they’d like you.” Chan nudges your arm with his elbow, his hands staying in his pocket.

“Changbin sounds like a blast.”

He was your favorite before.

“The two of you…” Chan thinks over his words carefully. “The two of you would definitely cause some mischief.”

And you have.

A tiny lull of comfortable silence falls over the conversation.

Both of you meander towards the swings. A cold wind blows through the air but neither of you react to it.

With a tiny giggle, you sit down on one of the swings and hold onto the chains on the side.

You are just so… you. You’re just your authentic self. Amnesia or not, you haven’t changed a bit. It’s so charming.

“I can’t remember the last time I went on the swings.” You start to move your body back and forth, not too much but enough to get the tiny thrill the toy brings.

Chan walks up and stands next to you, his hand coming out and grabbing at the chain of the swing next to yours.

The brightest smile stretches over your face.

God, it really doesn’t take a lot to make you smile, does it? He guesses that means it doesn’t take a lot for him either since he smiles when you do.

He can’t help it.

He watches you move back and forth, the cold breeze kicking up a bit more and blowing dead leaves across the sidewalk.

“What’s wrong, Chan? Allergic to swings?” you tease.

He rolls his eyes with a smirk. “No, I just far more enjoy watching you have fun.”

Your cheeks flush. If he didn’t know you, maybe he would’ve chocked it up to the cold. But he knows the difference between your blush and the elements now.

“You’re a smooth talker, Bang Chan.”

“It comes easy with you, Y/N L/N.”

Another laugh from you.

“Shameless flirt.”

He puts his hand on his chest in mock hurt. “Ouch! I just speak the truth, that’s all. Not my fault I like seeing you blush.”

Every word that comes out of his mouth feels so natural. If he really thinks about it, he’s in a weirdly unique situation. Not many couples get to start over, to feel those butterflies again. But here he is, his palms starting to get sweaty as he imagines kissing you.

Would you call it a first kiss? Maybe.

It has been four dates. It wouldn’t be.. inappropriate to kiss you, would it? The two of you kissed on your third date a few years ago.

He wants to kiss you so bad.

Should he? Shouldn’t he? God, why is this so hard?

Chan reaches out and grabs the chain of your swing, pulling it to a very gentle stop.

“Uh oh, fun police,” you tease and look up at him with a grin.

Looking down at you, Chan allows his eyes to look over every detail of your face that he already had memorized. You haven’t changed at all except the new scar on the side of your forehead from the accident.

It’s the same eyes, same nose, same chin that he fell in love with so long ago.

The same asymmetrical eyes that you’re so self conscious of but he loves. Your hair is wind blown and splayed every which way. It adds a childish charm to your features.

Very carefully, Chan moves his free hand down to cup your cheek. His warm palm soothes your ice cold face. He hears your breath catch in your throat at his touch.

His thumb swipes over your cheek, fingertips run down the soft lines of your jawline. Eventually his thumb ends up under your chin which he tilts up.

Your eyes sparkle. They somehow capture the light of the lamps around the playground. But they’ve always done that.

You’re always so enchanting.

Is this a good idea?

Is kissing you the best option?

But does he even have the strength to stop himself now?

Almost three months without feeling your lips on his has been torture, and here he is, with you in his hands and there’s still this nagging feeling that he should stop.

One look into your eyes quells that anxiety.

Your eyes keep flickering down to his own lips, the shaky breath you let out is hot against his fingers. Everything feels warmer compared to the air outside.

He can’t take it anymore.

Chan leans down and presses his lips to yours. They’re warm and slightly chapped.

But, my god, he’s never felt anything this heavenly before. It’s like his entire body unwinds. Like a fire was lit inside his stomach.

He moves his hand to the back of your head and keeps your lips pressed against his. Your head tilts to the side slightly. It’s just like he remembers.

It’s just the first kiss, he can’t let himself get carried away. He can’t.

He can’t let his fingers wind through your hair. He can’t melt into your touch on his cheek. He can’t let himself drown in your lips.

But he is.

He’s letting you consume his very soul in one kiss.

How can something feel so healing yet hurt so badly at the same time? It’s like you’re ripping open a wound and bandaging it at the same time.

No matter how hard he tries, he can’t bring his lips away from yours. Your hand slides down to caress his jawline with those soft, manicured fingers.

Your lips open and close over his like mirror images. The feeling shoots straight down into Chan’s gut. It’s like the first time for him all over again.

Those butterflies are going insane in his stomach. Your scent kicks up in the wind and he can’t help but take a large breath through his nose.

God, he can’t stop himself. It feels too good.

His hand moves from the back of your hair to cup your cheek and bring you closer.

He immediately stops.

Why is your face wet?

Chan pulls away from the kiss and looks down at you with concern written all over his expression.

You’re crying. Why … why are you crying?

Your eyes open and you look at him confused.

“Chan?” you whisper. You’re confused too. What?

“Why are you crying, Y/N?” he asks with a thick voice.

Your eyes widen and your own hand comes up to swipe at your cheeks. Sure enough, you’re met with tears.

“I… I don’t know,” you say so quietly. “I-I’m not sure.”

Chan starts backing away, your eyes snap to focus on his. Your hand shoots up to grab at his to keep him there. You’re still so confused.

Emotions are flying through your eyes. It almost looks like someone is clicking a light switch on and off in the back of your mind. A lightbulb is flickering in your soul like a dying neon sign in an old shop window.

Every muscle in your face is twitching.

What’s happening?

“Channie—“ your own voice cuts off by a sob.

Chan’s heart jumpstarts. You haven’t called him that… not in two months… that’s what you and your mother called him before the accident.

Are you…? Are you remembering? What’s happening?

Please.

Slowly, your hand falls from his.

Chan stays there, unmoving like a statue. What’s happening inside your mind right now? It looks like you’re reaching and reaching for something that you can’t quite put your finger on.

He's watching you struggle. It’s like when you can’t remember a word. It’s right there. It’s on the tip of your tongue.

You gulp, your eyes leave his and you look down at your lap. The dirt crunches under your feet as you shuffle your shoes around.

Chan swipes his thumb over your cheek, brushing away the tears. He’s biting back his own.

“It’s okay—“ “I’m sorry—“ are both said at the exact same time.

He knew it was coming. He knows you. But you don’t know him. Not anymore.

But you do.

“It wasn’t the kiss. I—“

“It’s okay, Y/N.”

You know him.

“Chan, I really loved the kiss.”

Chan. Not Channie.

He brushes his thumb over your lips. “It’s okay,” he repeats gently. “You don’t have to explain.”

His other hand comes up and tucks a loose strand of hair behind your ear. Your eyes slide shut at the sensation.

Your bottom lip quivers and you pull it into your mouth and bite it. With a tight swallow, your throat bobs.

“It happens sometimes,” you whisper. “It’s from the accident I had.”

Chan continues to soothingly rub your skin with his thumb. Slowly, he kneels down to be in front of you rather than leaning over.

The dirt is cold on his knee. It seeps through the fabric of his pants. He couldn’t care less.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” he whispers back to you.

You shake your head gently, your hands folding in your lap. “No, no. I… I want to tell you. I need to tell you. It’s been happening more and more whenever I’m around you. It’s like every touch, every word you say bounces around my brain and makes me feel the worst case of deja vu.

“Every time I’m with you I feel like I’m trying to recall a dream I had last night but I just can’t remember what it was.”

You’re rambling. You only ramble when you’re overwhelmed and scared.

“Chan, every time I’m with you it feels like some part of me is screaming to be let out.”

Your eyes open and you stare right through him. Chan feels his heart squeeze and almost stop completely. Despite your best efforts, the tears keep coming.

“I was in a car accident a few months ago. I had such a severe concussion that I lost the last five years of my memory.”

How is your voice so even?

Chan’s jaw clenches. Fuck fuck fuck.

He knows. Yes, Y/N. He knows. Fuck, does he know! If anyone fucking knows, it’s him.

“I—“ he starts but you cut him off.

“Please,” you choke out and take a deep breath. “And since then I’ve been getting bits and pieces of my memory back. Sometimes they’re in large chunks, other times they just … come back.

“When I try to think about my life before the accident. There’s this… person there. Someone important. Someone so, so important that it physically hurts me to think about how I don’t know who it is. They’re a constant. And I love that they’re a constant.”

Your hand comes up to clutch at your jacket right over your chest.

More tears come out of your eyes. The whites get more pink the more they flow.

“But I know them. I do! I know them like I know the back of my hand. I-I know they love music. I know they take milk and sugar in their morning coffee. I know they don’t get enough sleep at night.”

Louder and louder your voice gets as you grow sadder and sadder. The sobs between thoughts wrack your chest.

Him. You’re talking about him.

Chan’s hands hold your face gently. His thumbs can’t keep up with how much you’re crying.

Nothing has ever hurt this bad.

You know him. You just don’t know it’s him.

Nevertheless, you continue. “I remember that they have the most obnoxious phone alarm in the morning. I remember the passcode to their phone is 032518. I know that they have this one black sweatshirt that I love to steal even though it’s their favorite.”

Chan’s own eyes begin watering, he can’t stop it. You know him. You know him. You’ve remembered him this whole time and you didn’t even know it.

You reach up and grab one of his hands and place it on your heart. Underneath your jacket, he can feel your heartbeat thudding violently against your chest.

That same heartbeat he’s been dying to listen to while you play with his hair and tell him about your day. The heartbeat he would give anything to hear as he falls asleep. His throat gets tighter and tighter.

“I’ve been surrounded by bits and pieces of a ghost and no one wants to help me. No one will tell me anything, and I’m so confused, Chan. I can tell that there’s something that everyone is avoiding telling me.”

A gust of wind picks up through the playground. It nips at his cheeks. It’s now he realizes how many tears are falling.

A sob tears from his throat.

You grip his hand tighter.

“Tell me It’s you, Chan.” You’re begging. You’re actually begging while keeping his hand pressed against your heartbeat.

“Tell me that you’re the person that I see in my dreams. Tell me you’re the one that loves when I draw hearts on the bathroom mirror after I shower. Please tell me that you’re the one that loves the smell of lemon cookies but can’t stand the taste.”

Oh, god, Y/N.

“Tell me that you’re the one that wanted to pick me up from the party that night but I said no.”

He breaks.

He breaks right down in front of you. Every single ounce of self control leaves his body and he grabs you out of the swing, yanking you towards his body and holding you against his chest. The emotions that were being kept at bay come out like a raging storm.

He falls backwards into the dirt, you come crashing into him. Your arms wrap around him at the same time he wraps around you.

Chan buries his face in your neck, one hand on the back of your head and the other firmly around your waist.

Wails leave his mouth as he holds you to him. They’re deep and come from the very depths of his soul. The wound that’s been open for months is bleeding.

Every lonely night. Every dinner where he cooked for two instead of one by accident. Every long day he came back to an empty apartment. It’s all coming out.

You’re crying just as hard as he is, both of your hands gripping the back of his hoodie like a lifeline.

Your body in his arms is like a piece of a puzzle. Like he’s the dusty one sitting on his dining room table and you finally came in and finished it.

Weeks and weeks of grief come crashing down on him. He can’t lie anymore. Not to you. Never to you.

“It is me,” he cries into your neck, his hand running over the back of your head, feeling your hair slip through his fingers. It’s just like he remembers. “It’s all me, Y/N, It’s me.”

Your cries get louder, your body starts shaking in his arms.

“I’ve missed you, Y/N,” he cries harder. “Fuck, I’ve missed you so much. I missed my girl. Oh my god, I’ve missed you.”

Chan can’t pull you close enough, he can’t get you close enough to his body. You shift around and press yourself into him.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry I didn’t pick you up that night. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m so sorry you got hurt.”

Every ounce of grief is surfacing and clawing its way out of his throat.

“I’m sorry I had to lie to you these last two weeks. I’m so sorry, Y/N. I was so broken without you. I broke the doctor’s orders. I needed to see you, Y/N.”

Despite how hard he has you gripped against him, you manage to pull away slightly. You sit up in his lap and look down at his red, tear soaked face. His eyes are puffy and his chest is sputtering with sobs.

Both of your hands cup his cheeks and swipe away the tears the same way he did for you only a small bit ago. There’s a sad smile on your face.

“Please don’t apologize, Channie, it’s okay. I forgive you.”

Channie. You called him Channie.

He cries harder and buries his face into your chest. Your arms immediately come around him and keep him there, fingers threading into his hair.

You’re still crying. Both of you are.

“I know you were just doing what you were told to,” you whisper into his hair. He can hear your voice reverberate in your chest.

All he can do is cry.

Months of build up led to this moment. Endless days of going through the motions just for the next to be as dull and tedious led to him falling into you in the middle of a playground at night.

The only thing you do after that is hold him. You press kisses to the top of his head and whisper that you forgive him over and over.

Each one adds a stitch to the wound, shutting it.

You’re finally in his arms. You’re finally back where you belong.

“I missed you,” he says again, his cries dying down. He doesn't know what else to say. There's so much he wants to tell you, but everything dies on the tip of his tongue.

“I missed you too, Channie. My heart missed you so much.”

He sniffles and looks up at you. You pull your sweatshirt sleeve up and wipe away his stray tears gently.

“Every day it just felt like something was missing. It was you. You were missing.”

Chan can’t find any words to say. He just stares at you.

"I don't care how long it takes to remember, or even if I never do. I need you by my side for it, Chan."

His eyes sparkle at you for a moment but he leans up and captures your lips with his once more. It feels even better than the previous one.

The two of you relish in the contact, holding each other close and clinging to the closeness of it all.

It's taking everything within Chan not to start crying again. He's worried than any moment now, he'll wake up and this will all be some cruel dream.

But when you pull away from his lips, and he opens his eyes-- you're still there. You're still in his arms and smiling at him like you always did.

The burn is soothed.

“If you think about it,” you start with a tiny smile. “We’re lucky— in a way.”

His entire face screws up, even more confused. “Lucky?”

“How many people get to say they fell in love with the same person twice?”

Chan blinks twice before it feels like his entire body thaws.

You and your glass half full attitude. He’ll never fucking get enough of it.

His arms wrap around you again, bringing you down into his chest. You let out a breathy giggle

“You’re never leaving my sight,” he breathes out. “Never again, baby, never.”

“I don’t ever want to, Channie. I never will.”

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sweet-pea-channie · 2 months

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omg yes! please tag me once you finished the second part. I absolutely loved it! :)

Just a Little Crush | Azriel x reader

Summary: Everyone secretly longs for Azriel, but Azriel only longs for her.

A/N: Look at me poppin out fics left and right. Ages ago, I saw a post somewhere about how basically every single person in the acotar universe has a huge crush on Azriel. And so this happened. It's a wholesome one! We got some bat boy banter and some fluff. I needed some innocent flirtation, what with all the smut and drama I've been posting lately lmao

Word count: 2138

Warnings: language, perhaps a bit of objectification, fluff

Everyone wanted Azriel. Adored him. Lusted for him.

It had been that way for as long as Cassian could remember. Windhaven, the Hewn City, then Velaris and finally all the other courts. Wherever the shadowsinger went, he managed to charm every being within sight. And the most annoying part of it all was that he didn't even seem to be trying.

He only ever appeared from the depths of his shadows and usually stuck to his corners, always silent and perhaps a touch broody. Cassian didn't know what exactly it was, but something about his brother drove people to throw secret glances over their shoulders and giggle into their wineglasses like bashful children. It drove heat to women's cheeks and had men succumb to a stutter with a glance so brief it barely deserved the name.

It was infuriating.

Cassian huffed as he noticed the glances thrown at the table he shared with his brothers—only that the vast majority of them were directed at neither him nor Rhys.

"Az, would you stop it?" Cassian snapped at his seemingly oblivious, shadow-wielding brother.

Azriel lifted his gaze from where it had rested on the edge of his glass, his thumb absent-mindedly wiping little drops of condensation off the rim.

He blinked slowly, studying the Lord of Bloodshed without saying a word, waiting for him to continue.

Cassian waved a hand through the air, vaguely gesturing at the plethora of crowded tables surrounding their booth at Rita's.

"Please just put these people out of their misery and pick one."

Azriel's eyes darted to the side for but a split-second before locking onto Cassian again, a confused crease now carved into the skin between his brows.

It was Rhys who spoke next, a low tone of amusement in his voice. "What are you going on about, Cassian?"

"They're all thirsting for this dumbass," Cassian said. "And he just sits there like the embodiment of innocence."

Azriel gave a soft snort, lifting his glass to his lips as Rhys barked a laugh.

"Aren't you mated as of late, brother? What do you care if Az gets some attention?"

"I've had to watch this since Windhaven," Cassian said. "Everywhere he goes, people trip over themselves when they see him, and he never uses it, never even seems to notice." Angling his body to fully face Azriel, he narrowed his eyes at the shadowsinger in question. "Why is that?"

A beat of silence, then Azriel spoke in a calm voice. "Are you asking me to take more lovers?"

Rhys smirked into his drink. "Didn't know you were that concerned with his sex life, Cass."

Cassian did his best not to pout as he turned his attention back to his drink. "It bugs me."

"Don't worry," Rhys sighed, slapping his palm on Cassian's back. "Back when we met, Feyre had a little crush on him too and thought I didn't notice. I'm sure Nesta will grow out of it. It's the shadows. The eyes. The broody little frown he carries around all the time. Pick a feature."

Azriel blinked. "What?"

"I'm just saying," Rhys lifted his hands in defence. "I get it."

Both Cassian and Azriel stared at the High Lord of the Night Court, both equally speechless until Cassian gave a quiet sigh and muttered something under his breath that sounded like "Not you too."

Rhys laughed. "But to soothe your worries, brother," he said and directed his words at Cassian. "As someone who shared a room with him at Windhaven, I can attest that you shouldn't worry too much about a shortage of lovers. Azriel’s doing fine."

"Azriel’s sitting right next to you," the shadowsinger in question said with a raised brow.

It was then that a new voice suddenly broke through the noise of the crowded pub, and all three Illyrians turned their heads to find a beautiful faerie with her hands on her hips and a smirk on her lips as she tracked her gaze down Azriel's face. A waterfall of white-blonde hair lay perfectly straight on her shoulders and from there flowed right down to her waist.

"Hello there," she said, the tip of a tongue shooting out to wet her lips before she continued. "I'm Lumina. Would you care to dance?"

Azriel opened his mouth to respond, but Cass beat him to it.

"He'd be overjoyed," he said, kicking Azriel's leg beneath the table when the shadowsinger glowered at him.

"Fantastic," the faerie spoke, tilting her head and offering a hand without ever taking her eyes off the spymaster.

Azriel gave her a polite smile, mixing a hint of an apology in there for good measure. "I apologise, but I was just about to leave."

Where he'd expected her smile to drop, it changed tones instead, and her eyelids seemed to grow a bit heavier.

"Would you like some company where you're going?"

"Thanks, but I'm picking up a friend." His smile never shrank, but as the pretty faerie gave a deep sigh and turned to rejoin her friends a few tables down, he finally shot Cassian a glare, who in return scoffed.

"Bloody liar."

Azriel couldn't fight the hint of a smirk that stole itself onto his face as he emptied the last of his drink and rose from his seat.

"You need to keep your nose out of other people's business, Cassian," Rhys reprimanded, eyes tracking Azriel's movements. "Now you drove him away."

Azriel waved a dismissive hand. "It takes more than Cass to drive me away."

Cassian lifted a brow. "Then why are you leaving?"

"Early training."

"I'm training with you, and you don't see me leaving at," Cassian checked the clock over the bar, "7:42! It's not even eight yet, Azriel. That's embarrassing. We practically just sat down."

Azriel patted his brother's shoulder as he left. "And if you'd go to bed at a reasonable time once in a while, perhaps you'd be winning for a change."

Rhys snorted, but Azriel left before Cassian had a chance respond.

Velaris lay cloaked in darkness, the nights much longer at this time of the year, and Azriel revelled in the starlight reflecting from the smooth surface of the Sidra. It hadn't begun to snow just yet, but he was convinced that the first frost of the year would come any day now.

Walking along the eastern riverside, he kept to the shadows of night as he'd been doing for centuries. Old habits die hard.

It was a ten-minute walk, eight if he took less-scenic backroads, eleven if the streets were crowded. Which, to his delight, they were not.

Passing brightly lit shops and laughing groups of faeries, Azriel headed straight north before turning into a narrow little street that connected the Sidra to the Rainbow. The cobblestones where shinier here—polished by hundreds of pairs of shoes taking this route to reach either one of the two most beautiful sights in Velaris on a daily basis.

He stopped at a bakery, a warm-golden glow shining through the windows and into the night. The shelves he could spot from here, the displays in the windows, were almost entirely empty. Closing time was approaching fast.

Warmth welcomed him as he opened the door to be greeted with the clear ring of a bell and the scent of freshly baked bread that never seemed to leave this place.

The faerie behind the counter looked up from the pages of a book she'd propped up against the register, and Azriel's heart gave an involuntary jolt when her lips twisted into a smile. It seemed it grew with each of his visits.

"Azriel," she said, her voice trickling down his spine like warm honey. "You're lucky, I was just about to close up for tonight."

Azriel gave a few nods, and suddenly he didn't know what to do with his hands. Where did he usually keep his hands?

He let them hang loose by his sides, and when that made him feel stupid, he interlocked them behind his back.

"I ... won't take long," he said.

"Oh, don't worry about it," she said, waving a dismissive hand. "Take all the time you need. I'm afraid there isn't all that much left to choose from, though."

Her face took on an apologetic look and Azriel wanted to do anything to get rid of it. But how could he without explicitly telling her that it hadn't been the pastries that brought him here, anyway?

"I'm glad business is good."

She tilted her head and beheld him with a look he couldn't quite read, though the smile never left her lips. "Well, we have some very loyal customers."

Azriel cleared his throat and took his eyes off her for only long enough to scan the last remains of today's assortment. Two big loafs of bread, a faerie tart, and half a dozen donuts.

"I'll take it all."

Surprise coloured her features. “Oh, are you sure?”

“Ah, yeah. I’ll have Cassian polish off those donuts in no time.”

She smiled to herself as she moved to pack his order and Azriel never took his eyes off her as she did. Mother, he was smitten.

“You know…” she started after a few moments of silence, and Azriel thought he saw her look a little harder at her working hands, as though they required all her concentration. “Molly—you know Molly, right? She works here too. Blueish complexion, curly hair? Well, anyway, she seems to think you have a little crush on me and that’s why you keep buying our leftovers.”

Azriel kept his eyes on her, ignoring the heat crawling up the back of his neck. When her own eyes flickered up to meet his gaze, they carried a gentle look in them, a soft note of curiosity.

“Does she now?” Azriel asked, fighting an impending smile.

She hid a smile herself, carefully placing his baked goods in a brown paper bag. “Yeah, she’s really excited about it.”

“Can’t leave her hanging, then.”

Azriel’s fingers brushed hers as he took the bag from her, and it was only with the utmost willpower that he managed to suppress a shiver.

“Thank you,” he said, though he didn’t move from his spot by the counter. He didn’t want to leave just yet. “Are you closing up now?”

“Oh, yeah,” she said, grinning. “Now that we’re all out of stock.”

Azriel nodded, clearing his throat, eyes darting through the room before locking back on her. His palms grew clammy and a part of him cursed internally. His palms never grew clammy. He was the spymaster of this damn court, for Cauldron’s sake.

He swallowed before finally forming the words.

“Would you like me to walk you home?”

Her smile grew wide, revealing rows of pearly white teeth, and Azriel’s heart skipped a beat at the sight.

“Yeah,” she said. “That would be nice.”

Azriel had always loved Velaris, but somehow everything seemed a bit more beautiful now. Lights gleamed on the surface of the Sidra, starts twinkled above, and by his side walked the most beautiful faerie he’d ever laid eyes on.

She was laughing at something he’d said, and the sound rang through his very bones. All the while, his eyes tracked the way the skin by her eyes crinkled with joy, teeth gleaming in the light of a streetlamp.

Gods, she was breath-taking when she laughed.

“She was right, you know?” Azriel heard himself say quietly.

Y/N looked at him, the smile still edged into the corners of her lips. “Who?”

“Molly,” Azriel said, his own smile soft as they crossed one of the bridges spanning the Sidra. It was right at the centre of it that Y/N suddenly stepped into his path and his feet came to a halt.

She looked up at him with a glint in her eyes, her head tilted in that way that made her look like she was trying to figure out something about him that he hadn’t quite managed to figure out himself.

She smiled. “Really?”

Azriel’s eyes briefly darted down the length of the Sidra before he made himself meet her gaze again. “I don’t usually eat that many baked goods if I’m honest.”

She grinned openly at him now, and before Azriel knew it, he felt a gentle palm cupping the side of his face, a thumb running along his cheekbone.

“That’s really sweet,” she breathed. “And extremely fortunate.”

“Yeah?” Azriel’s voice was barely above a whisper, and right at that moment, she was his sole focus in the world. “Why’s that?”

“Well, because there’s nothing worse than an unrequited crush.”

When she pushed to the tips of her toes to meet his lips in a sweet kiss—a kiss framed by starlight and the gleaming surface of the Sidra—Azriel’s heart might have stopped all together.

A/N #2: I'll totally write a second part to this (and who am I trying to kid, of course it's gonna be smutty) hmu if you want to be tagged!

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sweet-pea-channie · 2 months

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Omg yes, I need a part two!! This is so cute 😍😍

Notice me! | Azriel X Freader

summary; Azriel courting an oblivious reader.

a/n; Heyy! Just a little fic of being courted by Azriel. And you not being very aware of it. Hope you enjoy!

content/trigger warnings; knife, food, meat?, cussing, kissing, no use y/n, hint towards lust feeling, Azriel pining, Armen being sassy, FEM reader (if you’d like me to make a another post with male reader, message me!) she/her pronouns for reader, thunderstorm mention and I think that’s it. If I missed something, feel free to message me on it! 💝

word count: 3.1k

A plate clattered against the table causing your attention to turn to the man in front of you.

You met his gaze as he waited for you to try his new dish, his eyes seeming to shine as the sun hit his eyes. You swear he always seemed to be effortlessly beautiful. It was angering in some ways, you had even seen him wake up looking like a god. No. Better than a god. It didn’t matter if you spent an hour in the mirror, swiping various products of different expenses on your face; the result would be the same. The same boring face you saw everyday.

A wonderful smell wafted from the plate, causing your empty stomach to growl loud enough to shake the mountains. The shadowsinger smirked, pushing the plate of food closer to you with a gentleness most men didn’t have. Your face flushed with embarrassment, your hands instinctively coming to paw at your stomach, hoping it would stop. Your eyes wandered down to the plate where a meal sat.

“I haven’t made this before. I wanted you to be the first to try it.” He spoke with every ounce of grace and elegance a god would have. His hands grasped the seat across from you, pulling it out and taking a seat. His wings shifted until finding a comfortable position in the chair. You nodded in response, picking the fork up before taking in the rather- gracious portion of food he had made for you.

A ribeye steak bigger than your hand sat on the plate. Seasoning of different kinds were smothered on it, and the smell of butter consumed your senses. Your mouth watered in response. Beside it were two sides. Your favorites.

Armen smirked from where she sat beside you, watching as you lifted the steak knife and fork. You were so oblivious. She had been watching for the last few years as Azriel desperately chased after you, and you never seemed to even notice. It was amusing. He has spent hours staring at you, and you never realized. And if she pointed it out, you just assumed you had something on your face. She knew he was growing restless. Not tired of you, but tired of your complete oblivion. These days he seemed ready to scream from the top of the roof that he loved you.

Azriel’s scarred hand clutched at your wrist. He gently took the knife and fork away from you, before grabbing your plate and proceeding to cut your steak into bite sized pieces. Armen snickered from where she sat, resulting in a glare from Azriel.

“Oh- Azriel I can do that-“ You started.

“I know you can.” He responded. He didn’t give back your plate until your steak was cut into bite sized pieces for you. He watched you place the first bite of steak into your mouth.

Your eyes rolled back and you let out a hum of approval, chewing the food. The flavor was delicious, and it was quite easily the best steak you had ever tasted in your life. It wasn’t too buttery. Or too seasoned. It was just right. The meat was tender.

Azriel’s wings rustled at your hum. His face shined with pure male pride. His eyes never left you once while you chewed and swallowed. He stood, taking the steak knife that was no longer needed into the kitchen.

Armen followed after him. He sat the knife in the sink, letting the house do its magic before turning his attention to Armen.

“You’re like a love sick puppy.”

“My love life isn’t your business.” Azriel responded, his face tight. His words were low, ensuring you couldn’t hear.

“Hm. All I’m saying is your ‘courting’ isn’t going to work.” Armen said, picking at her nail leisurely. She was like a cat. Her piercing eyes watched as Azriel’s eyes narrowed at her with a scowl. Before he could comment more, Armen spoke again.

“She’s oblivious. It doesn’t matter if you fix her food, or leave her favorite pastries everywhere so she finds them, she won’t get the hint. Literally. I’m getting seasonal allergies from the amount of flowers you’ve left for her everywhere in this house.Seriously, this place is covered in flowers. Either start professing love or drop this little crush.” She growled out, walking out of the kitchen.

Azriel stayed silent before whispering,“It’s not little.”

“Yeah, don’t let me forget to grab a few early starfall gifts.” Mor said. You groaned loudly, rubbing your temples. Even the idea of her gifts made you want to cry. Her starfall gift for you these past few years have been a collection of ridiculously fuzzy socks. Every.Year.

Of course you were grateful, but everyone knew Mor’s gifts weren’t particularly good. You now had a drawer filled with fuzzy and odd colored socks.

Velaris was bustling today. Fae of all kids roamed the streets, some tending to their shops. Kids ran through the streets playing games. Everyone was out enjoying the sunny day. You and Mor decided to go shopping to pick up a few items. Your eyes wandered back down to your list, a few more candles, a book or two, and some lotion.

“Starfall gifts? I don’t think you need to shop this early for them-“

“Nonsense! It’s never too early to do gift shopping!” Mor said, cutting you off. You sighed and shook your head knowing it was hopeless to argue with her.

After a few trips to some stores, you both ended up getting lunch at Rita’s. You ordered a milkshake- apparently a new creation of a cold drink? None less, whatever they were, everyone had been going crazy over them in Velaris. And of course you also got your favorite meal. Mor ordered practically half the menu, content to eat her heart out. You didn’t blame her- food was good.

As your plates were sat down by the waitress, Mor eyed your food with a questioning look. Your eyebrows raised in confusion. “What? You’re looking at my food weird.”

“Oh. Well I’m just surprised to see you ordering a meal here. You know Azriel is gonna harp if you don’t eat his food.” Mor responded, shoveling food into her mouth as if she’d starve.

“Huh?” You countered.

Mor finished her food before rolling her eyes. She sighed deeply as if you had troubled her. “You know..” she said, waving her hands as if that would solve your confusion. When you raised your eyebrows with a puzzled face, she put her fork down.

“You know- when you eat something someone else cooked or you’re not hungry, and he’s cooked you a meal. And you refuse it- he gets all huffy and puffy! Like a broody motherhen.” She continued.

“He doesn’t even fix me food that often-“ you argued.

“Oh please! Breakfast, lunch, and dinner! Full course meal on the table for you. If only someone loved me that much.” Mor said, picking her fork back up. “Those meals weren’t from the house hun. All I’m saying is maybe you should pay more attention.”

For the rest of the meal, you both sat in silence as you pondered over her words.

Cassian laughed as you entered from the hallway. His eyes shined with amusement as you waddled to the counter with your shopping bags.

The sound was enough to draw a curious Azriel to the room. He immediately grabbed all your bags despite your complaints, setting them on the table. He nodded at you in response when you thanked him.

“I thought you were only shopping for a few things.” Cassian stated. He stood casually leaned against the table with a drink in his left hand. Azriel stood to your left, his wings expanded. His eyes were keen and watchful. You doubted he ever missed a single detail. His skin glistened with sweat, a musky bourbon scent coming from him. Cassian’s skin was sweaty too, evidence of them training together earlier in the day.

“Well, the candle store had a buy two get five for free deal. So I bought four and got ten for free! Cauldron I love Velaris!” You squealed, and Azriel smirked knowingly. He had taken note of your recent obsession with buying candles. Cassian shook his head.

Cassian's face lit up with surprise as you handed him two candles. “So I got one for everyone else. This one smells like leather and the other vanilla. I figured you’d like it Cas.” You continued. He nodded in thanks. You turned to Azriel.

“I got you this candle because I know you love blueberries. And this one is supposed to smell like rainy days and lightning. And this one is books and bourbon!”

Azriel’s eyes never looked down to the candles you had shoved in his arms. His eyes stayed on your face as you happily ranted about the candles. When you finished and looked back up to his face, he had a soft look. It was one you don’t think you’ve seen him use before. His eyes were soft and looked like pools of honey, and his smile was gentle.

You watched as he sat down the candles on the table and turned back to you. “They’re perfect.” He responded. He was so memorizing. You just knew whoever he ended up with would be content. You struggled taking your eyes from him.Cassian growled playfully.

“Hey! Unfair! He got three candles! I only got-“

Cassian was cut off by Mor smacking him on the back of the head as she trotted to the kitchen. She had a lot of leftovers to put away. Azriel gave him a quick glare, silencing him.

You noticed he was wearing all his leathers, and siphons. His shadows whirled leisurely around his shoulders and wings. Azriel watched as your eyes creased in confusion. He sighed. He couldn’t help but feel a shimmer of hope at the fact you had gotten him more candles than Cassian.

“Rhysand sent me on a mission, I’ll be gone for a few days most likely. I’m going to spy on the human queens and make sure all is well there.” He admitted. He watched as your face fell. You quickly smiled again and nodded. His heart thumped like a hammer in his chest. Did you care? Would you miss him like he always missed you? He wondered if you couldn’t sleep like he couldn’t when he was away from you.

“Oh. I see. Be safe.” You responded, nodding slowly. Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the feeling in your chest. You had never felt it before. You wondered why all of a sudden you felt this way about him leaving.

His eyes softened even more. “I leave in an hour or two.” He whispered, head tilting to catch your eyes once more. Cassian had disappeared from the room all of a sudden, him and Mor talking loudly about dumb things in the kitchen. Leaving you and Azriel alone. “Let me cook you dinner before I leave.”

His eyebrows furrowed this time as you shook your head no. His smile dropped. He looked like a kicked puppy almost-

“I ate lunch with Mor.” You explained. Your explanation didn’t seem to comfort him as he shook his head in response.

“That was lunch. It’s time for dinner.” Azriel said firmly.

Your mind went back to Mor’s words. Pay more attention…what did she mean? What was there to pay attention to? Azriel cooked for everyone- right..? Your mind raced over your memories, trying to think of a single time you had seen Azriel set a plate down for one of the others.

“Alright then, fix me dinner Azriel.” You responded. Azriel smiled, pleased. His right wing flared, draping over your back. “Follow me.” He said, leading the way into the kitchen. His wing was warm against your back, as it guided you beside him. It was much larger than you were, towering over your head. As you entered the kitchen, Cassian and Mor immediately scampered out shouting something about extra training.

You watched Azriel move around the kitchen in a graceful dance of grabbing pans and pots. He kept his wings tucked in, to keep them from banging against counters and tables. His hair was messy from training, or like he had ran his hands through it more then once. But it never failed to frame his face. You watched as a few shadows dart around, grabbing various spices and ingredients for whatever new dish he’d make tonight. He set a pan down on the stove before turning to you.

His scarred hands gently grasped your hips, lifting you up effortlessly. He sat you on an empty space on the counter. He huffed a laugh at your squeak of shock. He patted one of your thighs gently before leaving your side and returning to his pan.

Your face flushed with embarrassment. He had lifted you as if you weighed nothing, showcasing his obvious strength. Everytime he touched you with his beautiful hands, it felt like everything stopped. As if the world had slowed to let you enjoy the moment. Your hands wrapped around your stomach, wondering what this weird feeling that had overcome you meant.

He moved swiftly, chopping ingredients and throwing things in various pots and pans. You quickly realized by smell alone he was making your comfort food. You remembered the night a storm had rolled in. Usually thunder and lightning didn’t scare you- but this was different. The booms and flashes were intense, shaking the ground and keeping you from sleep. You had stumbled to the house library in an attempt to distract yourself. But you only found Azriel instead. He had scented your obvious distress and took action immediately. He helped you settle on the couch with cushions and blankets before asking what a comfort food was. A good 15 minutes later he returned with a plate.

You don’t remember much pass that, you just remember becoming tired and sleepily. You remember feeling warm all of a sudden and then you woke up in your bed that morning.

“It’s almost done.” Azriel spoke, bringing you back from your memories. His eyes were distant as if he too was remembering that same night.

You smiled and thanked him as he handed you your bowl and a spoon. He made himself a bowl too. He took your bowl from his hands and sat it down, before grabbing you and setting you back on the floor. His hands stayed on your hips until he was sure you were balanced. He guided you to the sitting room with a fire.

Azriel didn’t eat until you took your first bite, ensuring you liked it. And of course, you did. It was warm, and comforting, like a hug in your mouth. It soothed your soul in ways nothing else could, the flavors easing your body from any previous aches. Azriel had never made a bad meal before. You both ate in silence together, with the comforting crackle of the fire and warming food. But as the time passed, you knew it came time for him to leave.

Your bowls sat on the coffee table. Both finished. The house made them disappear, taking care of them on its own. You were always amazed by its magic.

Your head snapped to Azriel as he stood. He sighed, looking at the clock on the wall. His eyebrows were furrowed and he almost looked like he wanted to chain himself to the wall before even considering leaving. He turned to your sitting form. His shadows seemed to move more quickly and sharper around his shoulders.

“It’s time for me to leave.” He whispered. He watched as you nodded solemnly. You smiled, but he knew it didn’t reach your eyes.

“Thank you for the meal.”

You watched as Cassian hugged Azriel in goodbye, and Mor nod as her own way of saying goodbye. Azriel had taken his candles to his room earlier, before joining everyone in the hallway. When one left for more then a day, you all said proper goodbyes.

Azriel turned to you, walking swiftly. His arms wrapped around you tightly, his big biceps practically squeezing the life out of you. He practically had to hold himself back from purring when your arms wrapped around his neck in return. Everything darkened as his wings cocooned you. His wings blocked out the noises of the others, leaving just you and him. His head found solace in your neck. His scent overwhelmed your senses in a good way. Before you had time to question Azriel being touchy, Cassian yelled,

“Ok! Ok! We get it, Azriel. Let go of her before you suffocate her.”

Azriel lifted his head, and his wings dropped. His eyes stayed latched on yours. A few seconds passed before he tore his eyes away and scowled at Cassian. His teeth bared in silent warning. Cassian backed down and turned to have conversation with the others. Azriel released you from his grip.

“I’ll be back soon. Don’t starve. And I left some flowers on your nightstand. I hope you don’t mind.” He whispered to you, fiddling with his hands like a nervous school boy. Your eyes lit up and you smiled gently.

“Thank you Azriel. Goodbye.” You whispered back in response. His smile turned upside down.

“I told you, call me Az. Or whatever you want- just not my full name. We’re closer than that.” He said in a growl like tone. He watched as you nodded your head.

It was time for him to leave now. He sighed deeply. The others had gone silent watching the scene with interest. But he didn’t seem to care.

He leaned down to your height, his hands grasping at your chin. He turned your head before leaving a gentle but firm kiss on the side of your cheek. “Sleep well tonight.” He whispered before pulling away. You stood in shock at the door to the balcony, as he said his last goodbyes. He waved in an almost shy way at you before taking flight.

You stood still, flabbergasted at what had happened. Slowly your hand rose to your cheek.

Realization dawned on you- he hadn’t ever fixed food for anyone else other than you.

a/n; hope you enjoyed, let me know if you want part two! 🌙

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sweet-pea-channie · 3 months

Text

okay this is super cute! I love it!

The Cafe

hi everyone! my first ever kpop one-shot (and my longest one ever)! spare me pls

pairing: widowed father!bangchan x cafe owner!fem!reader

word count: 3.5k

warnings: mentions of death, about five curse words, two idiots in love, overthinking, the L word, lmk if i missed anything

STORY UNDER THE CUT

:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

Chan was a regular at your cafe. And by regular you mean he comes by every day, 3:12 pm sharp. You would be stupid not to notice him; he’s too beautiful for his own good. His dark brown curls rested peacefully on his forehead, blissfully aware of the effect they had on you, and his chiselled jaw looked like it could cut through diamonds. It didn’t matter if he was wearing a T-shirt or a coat, you could see his well-built body even through his clothes. He just looked so dreamy to you, and maybe that’s why you were thinking about him on your Sunday shift. One of the two days that he doesn’t come by the cafe. It was hard to wake up at the ass crack of dawn at the weekends long before Chan started going to your cafe. But ever since he first showed up in a black sweater and his hair unruly, asking for an iced americano to-go, waking up for your weekend shifts was even harder.

“You need a coffee.”

Snapping your head up quickly, you smiled at your friend tiredly, “Thanks, Hwa. Just what a girl needs at 9 am on a Sunday.” You quickly started making his drink to wake up at least just a little bit.

“I’m just saying,” he shrugged, “you probably haven’t gotten many customers anyway. Had a long night?”

You turned around with a fake scandalised look on your face, making him laugh. “You make me laugh, Park Seonghwa. I have a child to take care of!” you cried out jokingly, flailing your hands around. It made him look around the cafe and ponder on how far you’ve come. He had known you for quite some time now, meeting you at one of the many college parties his friends dragged him to. Back then this cafe was real only in your imagination, and he can remember the mental picture of the cafe he had when you first told him about your dream quite well, seeing as it was standing right in front of him. Well, besides the autumn decorations on every surface imaginable. He felt proud of you, and he would come to this cafe even if the coffee sucked.

“I know, babe, but don’t you think you deserve to at least go on a date? And before you say something,” he put a finger up, making you turn back around, “maybe you can ask a hot customer, ‘cause I know damn well you don’t go anywhere else than your flat and the cafe,” he looked at the back of your head pointedly.

You keep your eyes trained on the coffee in front of you as you think of a certain customer. Obviously, you’ve thought about asking him out, but what if he was taken? He looked to be older than you, and honestly, it would be a crime to leave that man single. And the second problem was even worse; you couldn’t, for the life of you, function properly when he was just on the other side of the counter. Yes, that may be because you haven’t felt the touch of another human being in quite some time, but you told yourself that it was just because of his stunning looks to keep your sanity.

“Your coffee’s ready,” you turned around, smiling at him sarcastically.

“You really don’t wanna talk about it, huh?”

“No, not really.”

He looked at you plainly in silence before softening up. “Just hit me up once something happens, please. Or even when nothing happens. You know that our door is always open for you, y/n.”

“Of course, Hwa. We still have to plan the sleepover, anyway. Now shoo before the Sunday brunchers start coming,” you laughed, and it made him check his watch.

“Oh god, I left Wooyoung in the car alone for fifteen minutes.”

:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

3pm on an October Sunday had never felt as good as that day. Cleaning tables after a long day of being alone at the cafe mixed with your playlist playing softly in the background sounded like music to your ears. Even though it wasn’t by far the busiest day that the cafe had lived through, it felt like it. Your Sunday part-time worker texted you yesterday evening that he got the flu and could barely even stand up, so you told him to get well soon and then cried for an hour, like the responsible boss you are.

After you finished cleaning up, you set the cleaning timer on all coffee machines to 4pm, turned off all the lights, put on your coat and grabbed your stuff. Stopping the music, you looked at your phone, only to see 3:10pm written on it. That means you can still catch the earlier bus without running to the bus stop and then start that series you’ve been itching to watch half an hour earlier. You add a little skip into your walk to the door, opening it. Just as you stepped out, a body stepped right in front of you. Yelping, you step back slightly, looking up at the stranger who wanted to come into the cafe, only to find Chan standing right in front of you, in that black sweater of his that you saw him in for the first time.

He took a step back. “I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”

You nodded at him with a laugh, “yeah, of course. I’m sorry, too. You just really scared me.”

He then looked at your hand, which was holding the keys to the cafe, and then inside the building behind you, seeing the lights off. His expression falls and a little frown makes its way onto his face instead. “You’re closing? I thought you were here ‘till 5 today.”

Your expression fell too, “oh my god. I forgot to put up the autumn schedule on Google,” he giggled a little at your expression, “in autumn and winter, we close at 3pm on Sundays. I’m so sorry, this is totally my fault. Do you still want coffee? The machines are not going to start the cleaning process until 4, anyway.”

He interrupted you with a laugh, “you really don’t have to apologise, it’s nothing. But, um,” there was some hesitation in his voice, “but would you, maybe, no pressure, really, I don’t want you to feel like you have to, um.” He looked down at his feet and then back up at you with a nervous smile. “Would you want to go somewhere? With me. If you’re not busy, obviously.”

You laughed out of shock, “Oh, um. What? I mean, really?” He smiled, his dimples on display, and nodded.

“Yeah, sure. Sure, I would love to.” Were you dreaming? “Do you want to go in, then? O-or-”

“No, no, I was thinking maybe, um, get street food and just go to the park around the corner? Because I don’t want you to spend time making something? Actually, scratch that, that’s just plain and stupid, maybe I should plan something fancier,” rambled Chan, combing his hand through his hair.

“No, I think that sounds good,” you said, maybe a little too quickly, “I mean, uh, yeah. Sure, sounds good. Perfect, even.”

“Okay!” There was that smile with the dimples.

“Okay,” you smiled up at him sweetly, “oh!” Turning around, you locked the door quickly before turning around. “Shall we, then?”

:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

The food wasn’t necessarily good, but you would honestly eat worse if it meant you could spend more time with Chan. You were sat on a bench, a first date friendly distance between your bodies. You’ve gotten to know random things about him in the past hour and a half; he is 30, just seven years older than you. You also found out that he works in the local firm that’s ten minutes away from the cafe, which is why he comes to the cafe at the same time every day, and that he likes to make music with his friends. What mattered to you more, though, was how attentive and awfully nice he was. Paying for your food, walking on the outside of the sidewalk, and actually listening to what you had to say came to him naturally.

“I’m sorry, y/n, but I’ve gotta be somewhere at 5, so I’ll have to go,” he exclaimed after laughing at your previous statement. His words made you check the time on your phone, seeing that it was, in fact, nearing 5pm.

“Oh, wow, I didn’t even notice it was already 5. Time flies by when you’re having fun, I guess,” you giggle at the hopeful look in his eyes once you said you had fun.

“I had fun today, too, y/n. I’m glad you had time for me. I’ve been meaning to ask you out for a while now, and I’m happy I finally managed to do it. You’re a great person and even better company,” he stood up and look at his feet, red tinting his ears.

“Chan,” you started, also standing up, “could I get your number before you go?”

He looked back up at you for the second time that day. He thought you wouldn’t want anything more with him, maybe just chatting when he gets his coffee, but that’s about it. He let his insecurities cloud his judgement. He thought you were the one who saved this date from being a complete disaster, not knowing that this was the sweetest date you have ever been on.

Maybe this whole dating thing isn’t as hard as he remembered it to be. Or maybe it’s just your presence that’s making it easier for him. He doesn’t know, but he thinks exchanging numbers with you could be a good idea.

And as you part ways with him, he waves at you with a giddy smile, dialling the 3racha group chat. You wave at him with a giggle and a bright smile, calling Seonghwa quickly.

“You won’t fucking believe what just happened.”

:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

It’s been almost a month since your first date with Chan. And to be honest, you were in deep. You have been texting him almost all the time, and every time he would come by the cafe, he would stay a little longer, just to see you smile. You’ve gone on different dates in the past month, but your favourites were probably the museum and the aquarium date.

But today marks the day of the biggest, and in your opinion the most important, date so far. You will be going to a respectable restaurant, dressed in your finest clothes. Seonghwa told you, that he thinks Chan might finally ask you to be his girlfriend, something you aren’t too sure of. Sure, you’ve fallen for him, and you would love to think he’s in the same predicament as you, but your overthinking mind cannot help but worry.

Especially since he texted you at half past ten in the morning that he can’t go on a date today, because his work will probably keep him busy until late at night. So, you texted him that you understand and that you hope he doesn’t stay in too late, and then took a break to cry in the breakroom. Your mind was screaming at you from every corner of your brain. Why are you crying over this? It’s nothing personal, you’re sure, Chan wouldn’t do that to you, but you can’t help but worry. What if you are just another girl to him, while he is the main topic of your conversations with your best friend?

Trying to push those thoughts away, you got up from the floor and cleaned up.

At least your part-time worker doesn’t have to close by herself, you tell yourself to feel better about this whole thing.

:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

Chan felt like an asshole. He accidentally put his daughter’s recital on Saturday instead of Friday in his calendar, so he made plans with you. Turns out, the recital is, in fact, not on Saturday. His daughter was talking about it all the way to the kindergarten, all while he was silently cussing himself out. What is he supposed to tell you? Oh god, what if Jisung and Changbin can't come today? Nari would probably stop functioning if she saw two empty seats next to Chan. And then her teacher, who already didn’t like Nari for some reason, would be mad at her. This was bad.

Then he remembers that he’s talking about Changbin and Jisung, the two guys who were by his side every step of the way. They wouldn’t miss Nari’s recital for the world.

You, on the other hand? He was planning on telling you everything today at dinner; from his daughter to his feelings for you. And now he had to call off the date. Driving to work had never seemed this long. His mind was running through all the possibilities. He wasn’t stupid, he knew he should’ve told you sooner. Chan was just too scared to say anything. You were probably the best thing that’s happened to him ever since the death of Nari’s mum. What would he do if he fucked this up, too?

Brushing it away as best as he could, he texts you that he won’t be able to make it to the date due to work and that he’s sorry. Because he truly was, and all he could do was hope that you wouldn’t take anything personally.

Thankfully, his day at work went by quickly. Nothing out of the ordinary popped up, and so he could leave peacefully at 3 pm. He really wanted to see your smile and get coffee, but he knew he couldn’t, so he drove past the cafe to Jisung’s place, where he would be picking him up. Thankfully, Jisung lived quite close, so the drive didn’t take too long. Chan pulled up to his friend’s house like he had a million times before, unlocking the car as he saw Jisung standing there.

“Hey, Chan,” he greeted enthusiastically, receiving a greeting back, “you excited?”

“Hell yeah. This is Nari’s biggest recital so far. I just hope everything goes well.”

:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

“Excuse me, sorry, excuse me, sorry,” he muttered as he passed people to get to their chairs.

Changbin looked at all the parents around them, “Gods, when did these people even get here? I thought we were gonna be the first ones here.” He received an enthusiastic nod from Jisung.

“Well, we were, but then Channie hyung just had to talk to Nari’s teacher,” Jisung rolled his eyes jokingly.

“Sorry I care about my daughter.”

A beat of silence passed through the group. Changbin and Jisung held eye contact with raised eyebrows until Jisung averted his eyes to look at Chan, “you okay?”

“Yeah, of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

All three of them knew he was fucked with that response.

“Is this about y/n?” Changbin asked, already knowing the answer.

The lights started to dim, “we’ll talk once the recital ends.”

:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

He stood up, clapping proudly as he looked at his daughter. She waved at him with the biggest smile on her little face, and he knew he had to make things right. He turned to Jisung. “Could you go to Nari? I have to talk with Bin.”

Jisung nodded sombrely, seeing as he wanted to hear this conversation, but ran off happily to his niece.

Changbin sighed, “so, what did you do?”

And so, Chan tells him. Changbin knew that he hadn’t told you about Nari, but he didn’t know Chan wanted to tell you today. Chan tells him how he lied to you, and how it’s slowly eating away at his conscience. And mainly, he tells him, “I don’t want to love her, Bin. I don’t like what that means to me.”

“What do you think it means, Chris?”

“It means I have something to lose again, and I’m not strong enough for that anymore,” he whispers harshly.

“Well, if I can, I’ll tell you what I think it means,” Changbin started, “I think that means having someone who can help you bear all your problems. It means having someone who is here for you all the time. But mainly, it means having someone who loves you unconditionally, Chris. And from what you’ve told me, she’s great at all of these things. And she would probably be great with Nari, too. Nari would love her,” he paused, wondering if he should say it, “Nari will love her. But you gotta let her.”

“But, Bin,” Chan tried to reason.

“We both know she would want you to be happy. And if that means being with y/n, which I personally think it means, then she would want you to be with her.”

Chan finally looked back up from his shoes to his friend. Chan knew he was right. Changbin was always right. But what about you? Would you even want him?

“Stop overthinking and go tell her how you feel, please. I’ll cry if you don’t,” Changbin joked.

“But Nari-” Chan began, only to get interrupted.

“We’ll take her home. Go make things right,” he replied, pushing Chan to the entrance of the building. Chan only smiled before he took off, taking long strides to his car.

:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

You sighed as you wiped down the last table. It was almost 5 pm, which meant you were closing for the day. It wasn’t your normal schedule, but it was the annual maintenance day, so your customers knew about this.

All you wanted right now was a tub of ice cream, a cheesy romance movie to make you feel even worse, and three boxes of tissues to cry into. You knew this was stupid to cry about; after all, it was just a cancelled date. But what if this was just one out of many? Maybe he just didn’t want you anymore, or he never wanted you in the first place.

And maybe you could just cry over a man on a random Friday night.

You stopped the playlist sombrely, turned off the lights, and grabbed your things, seeing it was eleven minutes past five. You were supposed to be sitting in the best restaurant in the city right now.

A ring of the bell above the cafe’s door interrupted our train of thought. “Sorry, we’re closed for the day,” you turned around, only to see him standing there, dressed in that damned black sweater of his.

“Chan,” you breathed out, “what are you doing here?”

Chan froze for a second. He was finally here, after sitting in the traffic for ten minutes. He had plenty of time to think about what he was going to say and do. Problem was that he forgot all of it the moment he saw you. And so, his heart took over. He took quick steps towards you. He stopped just short of you.

“I’m so sorry, y/n. I need to tell you so much, but first I want to apologise. I haven’t been truthful with you in every aspect and,” he took a breath,” I’m just so sorry. Could we sit down?”

And as he told you about his late wife and his daughter Nari in one of the cafe’s booths, you felt like a complete asshole for overthinking this. Of course he didn’t tell you, dumbass. You wouldn’t tell yourself either. A few minutes of silence were all it took for you to realise what Chan had just said.

“Chan,” you started, trying to find the right words as you stood up, “be honest with me right now, please. Do you see this thing between us going somewhere serious? I get that you lost your wife a few years ago, and I’m really sorry to hear that. And I get that you have a daughter, so you probably won’t want her to meet me this soon or anything, but-”

He kissed you.

He kissed you, and it felt like all the tension from your shoulders fell right between the two of you and then dissipated into thin air. His kiss felt like a breath of fresh air although you were losing your breath slowly, but you wouldn’t have it any other way. Your hands found their way around his neck as his hands traced your waist, bringing you even closer.

You then parted; you were both breathing heavily, but Chan’s face had that dimpled smile you’d fallen for.

“I’m sorry, I just had to shut you up, y/n,” he giggled, “I do see this going somewhere and I do want you to meet Nari as soon as possible, because I don’t think I can handle another day without letting you know I love you. I love you, y/n.”

The smile you had on your face could probably brighten any of Chan’s dark days, and he just wanted to kiss you again.

“I love you, too, Chan.”

:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧

THANK YOU for reading! friendly reminder that my asks are open!

asked to be tagged: @bangtancultsposts

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sweet-pea-channie · 4 months

Text

☀️ Everyday Idol 🌙 (Chapter 4) ✨

✨ possible bangchan x reader (f), possible jungkook x reader (f)

✨ head on over to my masterlist if you haven’t checked out the previous chapters!

✨wc: ~4.5k

✨ friends to lovers? possible love triangle? future angst and smut??? definitely fluff.

✨ summary: JYP Entertainment launches a new show and y/n somehow gets recruited. Even though she doesn’t particularly care about the outcome of the show, she does particularly care about one of the artists she met: Chris from Stray Kids. Does Chris feel the same or will a potential relationship with one of his friends overcome what y/n feels for him?

✨ author’s notes: pls pls pls let me know if you’d prefer shorter, more frequent chapters like this one, OR longer chapters posted about once per week. i’m heavily debating lol

✨ warnings: cursing from time to time.

Previous Chapter Recap:

As wonderful as the daydream was, Chan suddenly snapped out of it. He froze, standing rigid, then almost tumbling back. There’s no way.

There you stood in front of him. With all the beauty that you were. But you were with someone. A man. Chan squinted to see what he could make out. Jungkook? Fuck, that was definitely Jungkook.

You smiled up at him and clung onto him for a long hug. He gave in, leaning his head down to plant a small kiss on the top of your forehead. With that, you giggled, waved, then ran inside the company building.

With that, Chan felt his heart shatter for the very first time.

Through the building’s glass walls, he watched as you made your way a little further, then stopped to bring your phone out. 10 seconds later, he felt a buzz from his phone.

From: y/n’s instagram

Hey, I’m here :) Should I head on up to you?

He wanted to cry.

Note: More characters are involved in this chapter! Just wanted to lay it out here to refer back to if needed.

Y/n- Changbin’s mentee

Anna- best friend, Felix’s mentee

Kara- Seungmin’s mentee

Sunnie- Han’s mentee

Mindi- Hyunjin’s mentee

Nisha- Lee Know’s mentee

Alyssa- Jeongin’s mentee

Jenna- Chan’s mentee

————————————————————————

Y/n’s POV:

You felt like you were floating. You felt like you were unstoppable. You wanted so badly to call Anna and tell her that you had just had the best date of your life. The conversation was so easy with Jungkook. You may not have had much in common, but he was FUNNY. He was charming too- such a gentleman. True, you didn’t know him extremely well yet, but the side he did show you was basically perfect.

The butterflies in your stomach just wouldn’t go away. You needed to step aside though and text Chan, letting him know you were here to see him. You were curious to know what he would say. Okay, curious may not be the right word. You were SHAKING waiting to find out what he would say. But either way, it was fine. You were unstoppable after all.

Hey, I’m here :) Should I head on up to you?

*SEND*

You stepped to the side of the building so that you were away from the middle of the foot traffic entering and exiting the building, waiting for Chan to respond. You didn’t want to show up to his studio unannounced, especially if he was in the middle of something.

Looking down at the bouquet still in your hands, you let your mind wander back to your last few seconds with Jungkook. How he was the perfect height for you to hug him and get your face just above his shoulder. How warm he felt while standing out in the cold. How completely natural it felt with him. How when you pulled away, he had the most endearing look in his eyes and a big smirk on his face. He spoke lowly, almost whispered, “Can I see you again?” lowering his head to land a gentle kiss to your forehead. All you could do was blush and give one quick nod, avoiding his eyes. You giggled and waved, as you took off to head toward the building. You pictured the way he looked while waving back to you, almost sad that he wasn’t going with you. The day could simply not get better.

Unless Chan confessed his love to you of course. In which case, you’re fucked. Because what in the hell were you supposed to do then? You needed the universe to decide for you. Maybe Chan just wanted to talk to you about Berry’s health, if Bella had any similar problems, and what you did for them. Maybe he was curious how all of the mentees were doing and if there was anything he could do to help. Or maybe even to give you some tips before filming began- maybe he cared about you and genuinely wanted you to do well on the show. Any of those were more likely than him to say he had feelings for you. Hell, you barely knew the man.

You stood and twiddled your thumbs. A few minutes had gone by since you sent Chan the message. You were hoping he didn’t forget about you. You couldn’t take putting off all this anxiety for another day or so. You decided to look around and mentally note the small things in the JYPE building you hadn’t noticed before. How the walls were fully glass… Like FULLY glass. The chic silver lamps posted around the floor. The one giant green plant resting by the wall on the other side of the room. Someone was definitely taking good care of it.

*DING*

From: gnabnahc

Hey, yeah sorry. I figured out the answer to what I was going to ask you about. All good! Sorry to leave you hanging. Have a good day.

You put your phone down and somewhat felt your heart drop down into your stomach. You had been nervous, yes, but it was going to kill you more not to know. ‘Well hell.’ You puffed a breath out and frowned, crossing your hands over your chest. Just looking around now not quite sure what to do. ‘I guess I’ll just go and try to find Anna.’

You turned your attention back to your phone, frowning harder when Chan’s message was still displayed on the screen. You quickly swiped out of it and went to Anna’s ‘favorited’ contact in your phone.

Chris bailed. Where are you?

You stepped back shyly, not sure which way to head. You figured she would be in the cafeteria, probably with Kara and Sunnie. You decided to stand and wait for another second until she responded.

As you stood waiting, you saw an all black figure out of the corner of your eye. There were a million people moving in and out of the building, but this one was basically speed walking through. You noticed their entire head was down, fixated on the floor… Was that Chan?… The fingernails covered in black and white polish gave you the confirmation.

You could tell he was storming toward the elevator. Normally, you wouldn’t be so forward, but the stars were aligning it seemed like. You mirrored his fast pace and headed after him, off to the large elevator.

“Chris, hey! Wait up!” your voice raised slightly from behind him. You could see hesitancy in the way he slowly started to decelerate, almost shuddering in the process. Slowly, slowly, slowly, he turned his body around towards you. His normal smiley and joking exterior seemed to have gone away.

You finally caught up. “Hey!” you said cheerfully. ‘Game plan: Act like you’re not bothered and/or confused as hell.’ You smiled up to lock it in. “How are you?”

He was pale, almost like you’d be able to see every vein in his body if you tried hard enough. The only color on his face was a pink spot on the tip of his nose, probably from being outside in the cold. With his gaze on you, he looked like he’d seen a ghost.

He didn’t speak for a moment, collecting his bearings once he had finally fully turned to face you, beanie low almost covering his eyes. “I’m okay, how are you?” he said with a tone you could only describe as hollow. Distanced. Apathetic.

“I’m doing okay. Was just sad I wasn’t gonna be able to see you today!” you beamed. You were determined to lay it on thick. “But I’m glad you got everything worked out. I hoped everything was okay?”

He looked down to the flowers still resting in your hands, quickly bringing his eyes back up and settling somewhere on your face, but definitely not your eyes. “Yeah, it’s fine,” he strained out behind semi-gritted teeth. “But I’ve gotta get going upstairs. I’ll see you around.”

With that, he turned his body much quicker than before and paced the few yards away to reach the set of elevators, one of which was about to open.

You couldn’t believe he just brushed you off like that. Going to all the trouble to invite you to his studio, his one sacred space, and now the best he wants to do is “see you around?” Asshole. ‘This is the universe, y/n. This is just the universe giving you your answer. You asked for it and you got it. That’s a good thing isn’t it?’ you questioned yourself. ‘Of course it is. I have my answer. I can just focus on Jungkook from now on.’

Realizing you had just been standing in the middle of the floor, you stepped aside and checked your phone.

From: Anna

he bailed? wtf! on the rooftop with our friends, come find me rn please.

Thank God. You didn’t think you could deal with standing here alone for much longer. You started toward the elevator and waited patiently for it to arrive once you mashed the button.

The rooftop sounded like a cool place. And it was. It was basically additional space for people to hang out NOT inside of a practice room or shooting room. A lot of people would take food up there just to eat and chill with friends. It was fully encapsulated though, just like the first floor, with floor to ceiling windows- windows even comprising the entirety of the ceiling. It had a breathtaking view. You had selfishly hoped Anna would be alone. ‘God damn it,’ you thought as you stepped onto the elevator, pressing the uppermost button for the rooftop and then settling into the back corner. ‘If Anna doesn’t keep her big ass voice down, so help me god.’ You pictured having to cover her mouth with your hand to stop her from letting out expressions that could be heard on the other side of the room. That was one thing about your best friend- nothing was ever inconspicuous with her. You DID love that that meant there were no secrets between you two. What you DIDN’T love was that she inadvertently made both of your business everyone else’s business. AND your other friends were with her. So that’s gonna be awkward. As much as you were thankful for Kara and Sunnie’s friendship, they weren’t exactly known for hating drama. It was definitely best to leave them out of this. ‘God I hope they don’t get too curious. What am I supposed to say?’

You brainstormed different ideas, different lines you could pull to get her one-on-one without seeming like something was wrong. You thought and thought and thought until you arrived at your floor.

————————————————————————————

You narrowed your eyes as you scanned the rooftop for your friends. Long cafeteria-style benches lined the middle. As intently as you looked, you didn’t recognize the tops of any of their heads. ‘But is that? Ah fuck.’ It was the top of Felix’s head. Closer look. ‘Oh goody. Changbin, Seungmin, and Han too.’ Behind their slew of heads, you noticed the shorter frames of Anna, Kara, and Sunnie. ‘Cool. This should be cool,’ you sneered to yourself.

As you walked toward the group, you saw Anna’s head first, briskly turning in your direction. She snapped her head back toward the others, said a few words, let out a quick smile, and then unseemingly got up and walked toward you instead. Once she was out of their field of view, she picked up her pace and motioned for you to move backwards toward the elevator. There was a small foyer between the elevator and the rooftop room, so you decided to back track and wait there.

“Are you crazy?!” Anna scream-whispered once she arrived. “You were gonna bring that big ass bouquet in there and not expect people to ask questions?!” she pushed her hand down to motion to the flowers. “BEAUTIFUL big ass bouquet, oh my gosh,” she got side tracked, taking them in her hands and examining them.

“I’ve had more things on my mind than remembering some flowers in my hands. ALSO you told me it would be our friends up here, not an entire crew!”

“Hey, the guys are our friends too,” she frowned, handing the bouquet back.

“You know what I mean!” You pierced into her eyes. “BUT, holy shit Anna that was the best date I’ve ever been on!!!” you squealed. Your voice had raised at least 3 octaves. Your one free hand started flapping freely as you talked. “He was such a gentleman. He held my hand as I walked up the stairs. He made a reservation at this fancy restaurant for us. He helped me take my coat off AND put it back on. He paid for both of us and left a good tip. And, well obviously, he got me these flowers,” you blushed. “And it was just so easy with him! The conversation just kept flowing. The date was over before I knew it. I mean I am kinda relieved its over just because of nerves, but ugh, it was just- it couldn’t have gone any better.” The smile on your face and sparkle on your eyes told Anna that right away, but she let you ramble on. “OH OH and get this! When I went to leave, he KISSED. MY. FOREHEAD. Deadass his lips touched my forehead. And he asked if he could see me again! I- AHHHH!” You hush-screamed, waving your hands all around. Your eyes had closed tight from how much smiling you’d been doing.

“You said yes I’m presuming?” a smirky grin sprawled across her face, eyes looking into yours like she was teasing.

You rolled your eyes with a shit-faced grin. “Yes bitch, I said yes,” you laughed.

“That’s so amazing,” her eyes turned into puppy dog ones now, pout on her lips. “My little bestie is in loveeeee.”

“Okay, let’s not go that far. But yes, it was really reallllly good.” You couldn’t stop smiling.

“I’m just so happy for you… And like, not to ruin the moment, but what happened with Chris?”

You took a deep breath. ‘Not to ruin the moment my ass.’ You closed your eyes for a few seconds and shrugged your shoulders. You didn’t know much, just that he canceled on you and then left you hanging, yet again in the lobby. ‘Just a hot and cold asshole, I guess.’ Your respect for him had basically gone out the window… Buttt, maybe you were being a tad bit unreasonable. Maybe he just got busy. HONESTLY, you were probably reading too much into it. After all, he’d done nothing to make you think that he was interested in you in anyway. That was all just wishing thinking on your end. ‘And ACTUALLY, I should be thankful for him canceling. Now I can put to rest the stupid thought that he wanted to talk to me about anything more than a simple question he was curious about. There was no picking between them, because Chris was never in the equation to begin with. See, that’s good!’ you thought to youself. Still, you couldn’t deny that your heart ached a tiny bit, lost in the possibility of what could have been. But now you’d never know.

You expressed that to Anna as best as you could.

————————————————————————

Chan’s POV:

Chan could physically feel his heart fall into his ass. He set his phone down on the table and proceeded to punch both fists down on either side of his keyboard. Today, he was supposed to be nervous, yes- but not gutted. Not like how he felt now.

You were supposed to be in his studio with him now. He was supposed to be talking to you about how to do well on the show and how he would help you with anything you needed. How if you ever needed a shoulder to cry on, he would always be there for you. Just like last time. But only for you, he wanted you to know. The others were great. His mentee was great too. But none of them were you. None of them captivated him like you. None of them showed their raw emotions, nor got them out of him, like you None of them so effortlessly filled in the gaps that were missing inside of him like you. It had to be you, it just had to.

‘Way to go Chris. Not only did you ruin your shot by not taking it earlier, but now she probably feels like you blew her off… As if she would ever look at you anyways. She has Jungkook now. What more could she want? He’s way more successful, talented, and handsome than you could ever be… You know what? You can’t even be mad at her for going with him. Damn, you would too if you were her. Why would she want someone like you? Can’t do anything right. Couldn’t even get her here in the first place. You just didn’t deserve it. You don’t deserve her.’

With his head dropped low over his keyboard, fists still resting by the keyboard, he wanted to cry. He really really wanted to cry. But makeup was done, and there would only be a few moments for touch ups with so many people shooting today. So no, he couldn’t cry. But damn if he couldn’t get angry.

In a split second, any ounce of sense he had left his body. He started pounding his fists repeatedly into the table holding his keyboard. Hit after hit after hit. He didn’t care how it hurt, he just needed to let the inner pain out. Maybe by doing that, he could replace it. He bounced up out of his seat, darting hid head to look for anything he could get his hands on. A snarl spread wide across his face. A lone pillow sat on his couch, and he lunged down, throwing jabs into it left and right. In that moment, he was thankful for all the makeup to cover his face which had gone completely red with frustration. “GOD DAMN IT,” he screamed with a final punch to the pillow, now moving on to throw punches down into the couch. He felt his knuckles turn red from rubbing harshly against the fabric. Probably rubbed raw, he could tell. But he still didn’t care. He eyed down an empty plastic bottle on the table, rage still written in his face, and took a swift hold on it, using both hands to twist in opposite directions until it was completely deflated. With as much aggression as he could muster, he threw it to the ground and thrusted his heavy boot-covered foot down on top of it to squash it. Another stomp followed, then one after that, then one after that. He threw his entire heart, body, and soul into it with each violent step. “FUCK,” he screamed out, when he was finally satisfied. His teeth still snarled, he took a deep breath and huffed it out as quickly as he brought it in. He sprang toward the door, forcefully opening it before storming out. He didn’t know where he was going yet. He just knew he couldn’t be in that god damned room for one more second. Not without you.

———————————————————————————

Y/n’s POV:

You and Anna had made it to the filming rooms on level 10. You made sure to get there a bit early in order to find out which room to go to. There were around 50ish Everyday Idol contestants, not to mention their mentors who were also there to shoot intro materials. It was chaos trying to figure out where to go. You passed by Room #4, locating your name on the sign. Anna, Kara, and Sunnie were also filming in this room. You noted four other names on the sign, so you assumed that all the Stray Kids’ mentees would be here. So naturally, the members would be as well.

‘Fuck my life.’

You each squeezed your way through the crowd to make it past the doorway. You were happy when the first face you saw was Changbin. He was dressed in a fitted black top, dark jeans, black shoes, and a black leather jacket. A single small silver chain finished off the look. It was the first time you’d seen him out of the confines of a practice room, so seeing him all dressed up was a new experience.

They most likely matched your outfits up to give mentors and mentees a similar vibe. You looked down to your own outfit, giving it a final once-over. Tight black pants, a loose black button up that had been styled to hang off your shoulders, chunky boots, and plenty of silver rings, earrings, and bracelets. Your favorite of all was the dainty silver necklace wrapped around your neck with tiny stars and planets dangling off. It was too loose to be considered a choker, but too tight to be a plain necklace. Something about it fitting just right around your neck made you feel some type of new sexy vibe. Well that, plus the muted dark red lip choice was a dead giveaway of what they were going for. The final touchups before walking in had definitely been good to you.

Changbin walked your way, offering a small wave.

“Binnie!” you smiled and hugged him. His thick arms wrapped around you, making you feel safe. “What have you been up to today?”

“We had practice earlier, then a bunch of us ate together. You were invited obviously. Where were you?”

You panicked. The first thing to come to mind is what spilled out. “Oh, you know… just lady problems,” you brought your eye up into a dramatic wink.

“Well that’s something,” he made fun. “I hope you’re okay though?”

‘How sweet.’ “No, I’m totally fine! Just semi-nervous trying to figure out what we’re supposed to be doing today.” You looked around, making a mental note of the others in the room.

“They’ll walk us through it, and we can practice of course! They’ll probably put you in the frame and make you answer a bunch of prompts so other people can get to know you. Where you’re from, likes and dislikes, what you do in the ‘normal’ world, nlah blah blah. Then they’ll probably get some takes of us talking- that part I don’t know much about yet. I do know that you and I will take some photos together at the end. Same for the rest of the members and group photos as well. They will probably want some interaction between only you all. Nothing really to worry about.” He was right, it didn’t sound too bad. Apart from the fact that Chan would be here any minute and even if he didn’t feel it, the awkwardness you would feel is through the roof.

‘Calm and collected, y/n. Calm and collected. Literally what are you worried about? This is gonna be so easy.’

“Obviously I know you, Anna, Kara, and Sunnie, but I can’t quite remember the names of the other girls. I know we all met at drinks the other night, so I feel kinda bad,” he looked down, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Don’t feel bad. I really haven’t seen them since that night either.” You knew two of them fairly okay- Mindi and Nisha. They were super sweet, Hyunjin and Minho’s mentees. The other two, you weren’t quite sure about. Alyssa was Jeongin’s mentee and nothing was necessarily wrong with her, she just kept more to herself and didn’t seem very friendly to the rest of the group. Jenna, who had Chan as a mentor, was the same way. I mean surface level, they were fine, and you could all get along well enough. But do you ever get the feeling that someone just isn’t a “girl’s girl?” It’s like that. They aren’t girl’s girls. That’s probably why they clung onto each other.

And if you were honest, you weren’t quite sure how Jenna felt about you. You tried your best to talk with her, to make a connection in some way. Either she didn’t like you or her personality was comparable to a rock. ‘Either way, that is one dry bitch,’ you thought. You’d never say that out loud though. Ever since the night you’d all met up for drinks, something was off about her. An air of “I think I’m better than you” seemed to wear over her like a veil. You remembered how great the conversation was with Chan that night. The way that he looked at you, and how happy you both got when you kept finding things in common. It was like you had endless things to talk about. Even emotional things. You’d give up a lot to be able to go back to that night and experience it again. Maybe Jenna didn’t like you simply because you connected well with her mentor? ‘More than she did, I’m sure,’ you thought while rolling your eyes.

You walked with Changbin to the other side of the room where some of the Skz members and new cast members were all standing around talking. No Chris in sight though, thank god. They caught you up on everything you missed during lunch. Everyone compared outfits, went through what they’d probably have to talk about, all the usual stuff.

Felix pulled you to the side after a few minutes.

“Those flowers earlier were really pretty!” He teased, with a toothy smile spreading across his face.

‘Huh? Did he see me?’

“Aw, thank you! They were definitely some of the prettiest I’ve seen!” you played along, hoping he wouldn’t push further.

“Get them from anyone special?” he asked, again in the same sing-song tone. His cheeks were now stuck out from his smile, raising his eyebrows high on his face. He was definitely trying to wind you up.

‘Fuck, did he see me with Jungkook? I mean that’s fine I guess, but god please don’t make this weird. It was just a first date. Jesus Christ Felix why are you like this?’

“No,” you answered, trying to sound both playful and nonchalant. “It was just a friend. I’ll tell them you said that though! Thanks Felix.”

“No need, I already told him!” Felix winked down at you, nudging his elbow into your side. What the hell?

“Oh really? I didn’t know you two were close like that.” Literally not once had you seen any sign that they’d spoken to each other, let alone were good enough friends to keep in touch about girls they were taking to lunch.

“With Chan-hyung? We’re about as close as two people can get,” he laughed. “No way. I knew all along. And you’re welcome by the way. I may or may not have encouraged it hehe.” You watched as his eyes sparkled while they smiled. It would have been adorable if you had any clue what he was talking about.

All you could do was stare blankly at him. A confused expression must have been on your face long enough for Felix to notice.

“We are talking about Chan-hyung, right?”

“No… I got the flowers from Jungkook,” you said sheepishly.

You could see Felix’s eyes shoot open, going into panic mode. Fight or flight, I guess.

“Wait, are you talking about? OHHH those flowers! The ones from today. Ohhh okay, nevermind. Sorry, I was thinking about something completely different. Ohh okay, I see, I see now,” he rapidly mumbled out. He looked like he could start sweating at any minute, waiting to get your eye of approval before he switched topics.

‘Okay, so 2 possibilities. #1: Felix needs a lot more sleep. Or #2: Chan was going to give me flowers?!?!’

80 notes · View notes

sweet-pea-channie · 4 months

Text

This is so cool! I‘d like it to be a series! 😊😊

☀️ Everyday Idol 🌙

✨ bangchan x reader (f), possible jungkook x reader (f); (VERY light mentions of jungkook, this is mainly bangchan focused)

✨ friends to lovers? possible love triangle? future angst and smut??? definitely fluff.

✨ author’s notes: this is my first ever post, yay! i know i have a lot to improve on, so bear with me as i figure out all of the fun stuff. leaving this as a stand alone for now until i find out if anyone is interested in this becoming a series. any feedback is super helpful! taking suggestions as well 💜

✨ warnings: cursing from time to time. gets a little emotional towards the middle. that should be about it hehe.

“Holy shit.” You stared down at your phone. A notification highlighted in tones of pink, yellow, and purple clued you into the fact quickly that it had been an Instagram notification. But the words you were reading seemed to not register.

Message request from abcedfghi__lmnopqrstuvwxyz.

Wait, hold up. That’s weird. There’s no way this is his real account… Hold on.

You hurriedly clicked on the notification to open the app. It brought up a white screen with a short message surrounded by the grey Instagram text bubble.

Hey! I was wondering if you’d want to hang out sometime before you go back? We can do whatever you want. I’d just like to see you again.

You hurriedly screened your eyes back to the top of the page. In bold letters: JungKook. Right underneath, the username sprawled again: abcdefghi__lmnopqrstuvwxyz.

You clicked the name and went to their profile. As bright as the sky and as plain as day, a blue checkmark next to the username. What the fuck?! There’s no way. You felt your heart start to race and your eyes shot up, looking to see who was around. You went back to the message, clicked again, and sure enough, it took you back to the same verified account. You felt your breathing start to quicken and the nerves set in. The nerves- what were they from? Excitement? Nervousness? Confusion? A mixture of them all?

“Oh God, what do I do?” You whispered to yourself while shooting your head up. Skittish all of a sudden, you examined your surroundings. You had been in the JYPE dance practice room. Light wood-colored vinyl flooring laid underneath your feet, while red walls surrounded you all the way to the ceiling, where a huge JYPE logo was attached and acted as the bright overhead lighting. You still aren’t really sure how you ended up here. Well, I guess you were, but you still couldn’t believe it. One minute, you were on a 4-week vacation to Korea, and the next, you were here- standing in a practice room for JYP Entertainment.

Merely 2 weeks ago, you had been walking along one of the busiest streets in downtown Seoul with your friend Anna. The two of you had been inseparable for the past 2 years, meeting each other in medical school in the States and relying on each other and your friend group to get you through every waking moment of it. From exam study sessions to making sure the other had woken up in time to make it to the lab, you wouldn’t find one of you without the other. Which is why you were extremely thankful that both you AND Anna were politely paused on the side of the street, being offered the opportunity of a lifetime. JYP Entertainment planned to make a new show, Everyday Idol. The concept of the show was to recruit everyday people- people in various different jobs with various different lives- to spend one week as a JYP trainee. At the end of the week, a performance would be held. It was speculated even that JYP himself would be at the finale to make evaluations and possibly ask a select few to continue their training at JYPE. That part of it is still hearsay. No one knows what happens after the final evaluation, but it didn’t matter to you anyways. Both you and Anna had another calling- one in the medical field. You weren’t here to become an idol. You weren’t even here because you particularly liked singing and dancing. You were just here for the experience of it all… and maybe also a little because you had heard that JYP had some very handsome artists who would be involved in the training, judging, and making of the show. You told yourself that was just a bonus, but let’s be honest, it was really the deciding factor of whether you would go through with this or not. You never expected though to meet Jungkook as a friend of one of the JYP artists, but again, that was also just a bonus.

So now, here you stood. A confused mess, darting eyes across the JYPE practice room that you had finally started to feel comfortable with. One final glance at your phone. Where was Anna? You had to tell someone, right? Talk to someone before you did or said anything crazy. Flights of ideas ran through your head. You started to walk toward the exit door as fast as you possibly could without anyone thinking there was something seriously wrong. Anna had to be around here somewhere. At the cafeteria, more than likely. You two had gotten separated a short while ago, but you were sure that’s where she’d be. You paced hurriedly down the long corridor and down the 2 flights of stairs to the level holding the cafeteria. Upon getting there, a quick scouring over the room showed the strawberry blond waves of Anna’s head at a long table. She was seated at the end next to Felix. Felix was a member of Stray Kids and was also Anna’s mentor throughout her week of being a trainee. The 3 of you, well 4 really (counting your own mentor, Changbin) had gotten really close. You were introduced to the other Stray Kids members as well, as you had all gone out for drinks. Some members you got closer to than others. Like Chris for example. You felt so lucky to have really cool and down to earth guys to help you along your way. They were so much fun and made hard things seem a lot easier. But no matter how awesome they were, they weren’t Anna. You zoned in on her and quickly made your way over.

“I am quite literally not doing that,” you heard Anna say, while side-eyeing Felix.

“But think about how memorable it would be. They would never forget you at least. And as your mentor, it is my job to make you stand out during the finale. I mean, just think about it,” Felix was wide-eyed, making a rainbow motion with one hand across the sky.

You interrupted the conversation by arriving at the table. “What are we thinking about?” You asked, with a faint panic sound in your voice and out of breath.

Anna just rolled her eyes again. “Go on,” she said, head dipping down to motion toward Felix.

A huge grin spread across Felix’s face. You could tell he was about to break character and start laughing any second now. “Well, I was thinkinggg, you know since you guys are gonna be doing ‘Charmer’ for your performance, that Anna and maybe some others should draw on some fake abs since we have to show ours too.” Felix laughed and waited for your expression. You relaxed into the joke, thinking about how iconic it really would be.

An annoyed smile crept across your mouth. Finally giving an eye roll of your own, you responded, “As much as I do think it is a main selling point of the performance… yeah, I’m with Anna. No way in hell I’m doing that.” You looked at Felix with raised eyebrows and laughed. Thinking about it, Felix really is such a cool guy. I’m glad he’s Anna’s mentor, and now, a friend.

“Touché,” he grinned and looked down. Damn y/n, hold up. You almost forgot you’re supposed to be panicking right now.

“Anna, I need you for just a sec,” you blurted out quickly, while grabbing her by the arm and elbow at the same time. She stood up swiftly and you rushed a few steps to the next table over. Although it was a long table, no one else was sitting there, and you thought it would be fine. You hurriedly plopped down into the seat, pulling her with you. “Look who the fuck just messaged me,” you excitedly tried to keep your voice down.

Anna took the phone and focused on it, squinting her eyes. Again, you could tell that she was clicking the account’s username and icon. Then re-reading the message, back and forth, back and forth again. You saw her expression go from confusion to utter shock, jaw dropping open. She set the phone down face up. “Holy shit y/n!!!” she all but squeeled. It was loud, and you could tell people were now looking your way.

“Shhh,” you scolded her, bringing both of your heads down closer to the table and establishing a low tone. “No one can know. I do NOT want this getting out, okay?” You paused and felt your heart skip a beat. “Anna, I don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t know what to do?!” She borderline yelled yet again, raising her body up in the air with her proclamation.

“Anna!” You hush-yelled at her, bringing her body back down again. “Please, for the love of God, we have to be quiet. No, I don’t know what to do.”

“Bitchhh, message him back and say ‘hell yes!!!’. If you don’t, I swear I will.” You could tell she was so excited for you and she could not keep the cheesiest smile from spreading ear to ear across her face. Her eyes were lit up.

“I just don’t understand,” you spoke quietly. “He was literally such an asshole when I met him. Just arrogant and rude. Thinks he’s hot shit. He made me feel like I was the most irrelevant person ever. Like why is he even messaging me? I genuinely do not understand.” You had only met Jungkook a couple of days prior, through your new friend Chris from Stray Kids. They had been hanging out in Chris’ living room when you had gone to pick something up from Changbin. The interaction between the two of you was brief, but long enough for you to know that Jungkook was not your cup of tea. Now Chris on the other hand… Chris was something else. Chris was the exact opposite of Jungkook. The fact that they could even hang out in the same crowd baffled you. You could think of 100 ways to describe Chris, but no single word felt like it did him justice. On second thought, ‘perfect’ might do it. Did you hope that HE would be the one sending you a message wanting to hang out? Maybe. Did you have somewhat of a crush on him? DEFINITELY maybe. Okay, definitely. But you didn’t mean to. And how you ended up with that conclusion in the first place… Well, it’s a long story:

The way that JYPE had Everyday Idol set up, you would start preparing for the show 1 week before the actual filming and training process started. You had to come to the company building everyday to go over contracts, meet your mentors, tour the buildings, all of that good stuff. Although that was only an orientation week, it was one that was very important. You got to meet several artists and make so many connections. Since both your and Anna’s mentors were from Stray Kids, naturally, you met the other members and became friends with them as well. They were a super friendly group of guys and made you feel much more comfortable about going through this whole process. Each member had their own quirks, which you learned at a group dinner where every member came with their mentee. Some much-needed drinks were downed that night, with resultant memories made. One thing you learned for sure- Koreans LOVED their drinking games, and they really did bring people closer together. Well, at least it did for you. It brought you closer to Chris.

Chris wasn’t always the drinking type. He was overtly responsible for the wellbeing of Stray Kids after all. But that night was a night to cut loose and get to know new people. You and Chris bonded almost instantly. First, you found out that he had a dog, Berry, who happened to be the same breed as your own. You cut up all night about how the 2 dogs sounded like something out of a children’s book- “The Adventures of Berry and Bella”- Bella, your baby Cavalier of course. He showed you Berry’s pictures, and you showed him Bella’s. They looked almost identical. When Chan made a remark about them being long-lost sisters, you felt your breath get taken away for a split second. You being Bella’s mom and Chris being Berry’s dad… it sounded like some “The Parent Trap” shit. You were feeding into it though. You jokingly asked if he called her “Barold like Harold” and Berry was just a nickname. You later found out that he grew up loving classic rock, just like you. Apparently he got it from his parents, just like you. Minute after minute, you kept finding more similarities and never-ending things to talk about. By around 2-3 AM, everyone else was ready to head out and go to bed. But for you, it felt like time had flown by. You silently hoped that Chris had felt the same way- that he had felt the same spark in the conversations. That he had held onto every word you said, just like you did to him. That he was desparately hoping that the night could last for just 5 more minutes. That he wished you would invite him over just to chat some more.

But these were things you could only hope for. You knew your place and you knew that it had to be called a night. You said your goodbyes and gave Chris a hug. You’re not sure if you imagined it, but the hug seemed extra long and extra warm. You tried not to read too far into it. That was hardly the end though. You two became friends, joking with each other whenever you ran into the other, like at his apartment that day with Jungkook, and always mentioning to the other that a group of you were going to dinner if the other wanted to join. All casually though. It didn’t matter that you found him extremely handsome. You never went out of your way to seek out Chris again, nor did he you. That is, until you found yourself as the last of the new Everyday Idols cast to remain in the JYPE building. Anna had gone home early, having a migraine but already having finished up what she needed for the day. You finished the day out until the others left, staying back to talk on the phone with a friend. It was Sammie, one of the girls in the close-knit friend group with you and Anna. There were 6 of you who had become the best of friends during medical school. And although you had the closest reliance on Anna, the other girls were about as close to you as any people could be. You had all consistently cried together, stayed up all night together, and hyped each other up, not letting anyone quit for the past 2 years. The kind of mental toll that medical school puts on people is pure psychological torture, and you felt sure that none of you could have withstood it without having each other.

“Hi Sammie!!! How are you?!” You were so happy to see her name pop up…. No response. You heard a lot of background noise and looked down to see that instead, it had been a group call. You were on the line with Sammie and Anna, as well as your other 3 best friends. Sniffles was all you could distinctly hear. The light lit up around her name, showing that the noise was coming from her line.

“Sammie, are you okay?” You heard Anna ask reassuringly. There was worry in her voice. You could tell that Sammie was trying to muster up her voice, but nothing was coming out.

“Sammie, please tell us what’s going on. Is everything alright?” You questioned her. There was definitely worry now in your voice too, but how could there not be?

“Guys, I just got my score back. I didn’t pass,” Sammie cried into the phone. You felt your heart break. You had all just taken the first level of the USMLE, the first exam in the series for medical licensure. You all knew Sammie had been struggling. She had to move her test date back by a month. But when everyone else had gotten their passing results, you knew Sammie’s passing score would could back following month. I guess it turns out it didn’t. And you all knew what that meant. Your throat got caught. Dead silence…

“Oh Sammie, no. I’m so so sorry,” you whispered in a hushed voice, straining to get the words out. You felt water welling up in your eyes. You sat down on the floor, criss-crossed, ready to settle on the phone for a while and braced yourself for the rest of the conversation. Your back was propped up against the wall-length mirror, but your entire upper body slouched over so as to shield your face from the world. All you heard on the other line was sniffles… still.

Finally, your friend Nia broke the silence. “It’s okay buddy, we are still so proud of you. We all tried so hard. It will be okay. Things just have to get shifted back a bit is all. It will be okay, I promise.” You made a mental note of how Nia said ‘things just have to get shifted back a bit.’ We all knew what that meant. Sammie was automatically going to be put on probation now. She would also automatically not be allowed to continue on with the other third years… She would not be allowed to continue on with us. If she failed again, she would be kicked out of medical school entirely, any hope of becoming a doctor shot out the window.

You could hear a rustling noise coming through on Sammie’s line, and you knew it was the sound of her using the sleeves of her sweater to wipe away her tears. “No, I know. It will be okay. I’m just- I just-“ you could hear the stuffiness in her voice and how close she was to breaking. “I can’t lose you guys,” she choked out, letting out a low, slow cry once it had been said. That one got you. ‘I can’t lose you guys’ rang in your head. You lifted your head up and all the way back, taking in a deep breath and blinking slowly to try and halt any tears that were trying to escape. You needed to be strong. For Sammie. Let her know that it was okay- that we would be okay. Things would be different, but we would always be friends. Hushed cries and sniffles could be heard from the other lines, with your other friends intermittently offering up their words of comfort. Once the line had gone silent for a moment, everyone sat in solitude. Not a word uttered, not a falling tear heard. Even though you wanted to believe that nothing would change, that you could all continue on the same as you had been for the past 2 years, you knew the reality of it. You knew how brutal medical school was, and how wrapped up everyone HAS to be in their own life and at their own level if they have any chance of making it. You know this because your friend group of 6 started out as 9. People just simply did not make it. People failed out, got so far behind that they couldn’t catch up, struggled so badly with their mental health that they couldn’t continue foreward, you name it. With Sammie risking that, and definitely falling behind to the class behind you, there was no denying that things would not be the same. It’s an unspoken rule that you cannot say that though. It’s an unspoken rule that you have to be cheerful at a time like this. Tears were streaming down each of your cheeks thinking about having to move on without her and how her heart must be breaking to see all of her friends moving on without her.

“We’re never gonna leave you behind, yeah?” you cried out, wiping your nose with the sleeve of your jacket. You would try your very best. She cannot be one more who doesn’t make it. Your heart wouldn’t be able to handle that. You felt so guilty. Tears of sorrow were now replaced with tears of guilt as you covered your mouth to try to muffle any noise coming out. This continued until you felt numb. Until everyone on the line felt numb.

After another minute, everyone had soothed themselves and were starting to offer more encouragement. A weight of emotional exhaustion could be felt over the phone. You each ended the call with how much you love each other, miss each other, and promised each other that nothing would change. Even though you knew it would. With one final sniff and wipe to your cheeks, you ended the call. It took just about everything in you to stand up from the floor and stabilize yourself. You stood there for a minute, just trying to look straight ahead and get your footing. You gathered your things and exited the practice room into a long hallway. You headed first to get a cup of water, all too aware of how dehydrated the crying had made you. Once you reached the machine in the break room, you swiftly but shakily grabbed a cup and pressed the button to let the water down. With your other hand, you cupped your forehead and leaned over onto the same side’s elbow, hoping to get some pressure on your head and to get some congestion out. You felt pitiful- looked pitiful too.

Inhale, hold… Exhale, hold… Inhale, hold… Exhale, hold…

“Long day?” You heard a familiar Aussie voice chuckle from behind you. You leaned up now that your cup was done filling and turned around to face Chris. He had been stood there, just gazing towards you with his hands tucked into the pockets of his black sweatpants. You figured that must have been his signature look- a black hoodie and black pants. Come to think of it, you didn’t recall ever seeing him in something else. The moment he saw your face, how puffy and red you looked, his expression completely changed. Did he look worried?

“Yeah a little bit,” you tried to say with a sheepish smile, but a small crack came out. It was okay enough. Holding firmly on your cup, you looked down, took a long drink of the water, then lowered your hand again to start your trek out of the building. As you stepped past Chris, your arm brushed the fabric of his hoodie.

“Y/n?” He questioned abruptly, making you turn halfway around at a slow speed. You popped your head to the side a bit and looked him in the eyes but couldn’t muster up the energy to verbalize a response. You stood there waiting for him to continue, still with a worried expression evident on his face. “Are you okay?” He stared a hole right through your eyes.

You weren’t. Not really. But you didn’t know Chris enough to dump any of that on him. He’s here late too; you were sure he was busy and had plenty of work to do. Even though you did like to vent and talk things out to relieve the stress of it, that wasn’t something to do with someone who doesn’t deeply know you. That will be an activity for you and Anna once you get to the hotel. With all the strength you had, you lifted your head up high to meet his gaze. You lightly bit your cheek and feverishly nodded your head up and down. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Shallow breath in and out. “Thanks though.” You offered another low smile and turned on your heels to leave.

“I’m serious, you know. If you need someone to talk to, I’ll be in my studio. I’ve been through this before too, yeah?” You heard him call out behind you as you walked. It made you hault and think on what he said. ‘I’ve been through this before too.’ … Oh, he thinks you’re upset over the training process- over the show and the practices you’re having to do and classes you’re having to take. You wanted to do well, yes, but you couldn’t care less about the outcome of the show. You didn’t want to be an idol- you probably wouldn’t even take the offer if it was given to you. Not that it would be. But you had another calling, one that you loved and that you deeply cared about. One that made you feel like you made a difference in the world and could actually help people. Sammie had that calling too, or that same feeling at least. You weren’t sure if her chance was gone now.

“It’s not about the show or the training. I just- I’m sorry, I don’t think you’d understand,” you quietly muttered, only half turning back. The exhaustion and lack of emotion in your response was evident. You started making your way again toward the company building’s exit door.

“Try me,” you heard Chris call, sounding half stern but half playful.

“Fine,” you gave in. You crossed your arms on your chest after you had turned your body around. You let out a breath that you didn’t even know you’d been holding in and walked forward towards Chris. “Can we go to your studio?”

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“It just feels like I keep losing the people that I care about. I feel so hopeless, like there’s nothing I can do to help them,” you were lightly crying, holding onto a pillow and looking down so as to shield your face. “And I know it’s ridiculous. And I know it’s not my responsibility to make sure that everyone makes it through. But that’s my friend, you know? And I know that she can do it, she just needed more time. When she pushed back her testing date I told her to call me if she needed any help… God, why didn’t she just call me? Why didn’t I call her? I knew she was struggling, but I didn’t bother to do anything… Didn’t do anything to help… I mean I know it’s not totally on me, but GOD I feel like I’m responsible. We always worked through everything together for studying. She was the reason I even made it through the first two years. And now it feels like I’m abandoning her and there’s nothing I can even do about it. Fuck, I just feel… I feel so guilty. So so guilty. And it’s like, if this happened to her, then when is it my time? Ya know? Like she is so smart. Smarter than me. I just, I don’t see how I can do this,” you kept rambling and rambling. Chris had led you a few doors down to his studio, where you both had plopped down onto his grey leather couch. Each of your bodies were turned toward the other, one leg up on the couch, so close to touching one another’s knees. You didn’t mean to ramble on like this. Honestly, you knew you were emotional, but not to this point. Feelings and emotions came out that you didn’t even register you had yet. Guilt being a big one. Chris didn’t say anything while you were talking. He just sat patiently, nodding along to what you had to say. He looked deeply into your eyes as you confided in him, looking like he was trying to search for something there that he hadn’t yet found. Once he realized you were done with what you had to say, he took a breath in and began with his words.

“You know, I felt like that too before,” he said, scooting in slightly to bring his face closer to yours and lowering his voice. “It’s not so different, being a trainee and being in med school. You kill yourself trying so hard each day, only to see the people you love not make it. It hurts. It hurts a lot.” He said this with so much conviction. His brow began to furrow and a seriousness came over him. “And it makes you turn cold, to want to hide away and recluse those emotions. Trust me, I get it. And I’m sorry you’re having to go through that. I’m sorry to your friend as well.” His eyes were big, something was in there- it looked like genuine hurt.

Tears were welling in your eyes. You broke eye contact with Chris to look up and over to the corner of the room. To look at anything else so you didn’t start letting tears stream again. You clicked your toungue, then ran it across your teeth before taking a gulp. Once you had calmed yourself to the point you didn’t think you would cry anymore, you looked back down to a sweetly, patiently waiting Chris, who still had just as much concern on his face. “Chris, what do I do? What did you do when you felt like this?”

You could see him almost smile in a way. Or blush maybe. His eyes lit up the teeniest bit. You could see it. There had been new look on his face. Was it endearment? Whatever it was, he must have liked when people asked him for his advice or trusted his judgement. The expression was fleeting, and he went back to his prior worried face. “There’s nothing you can do besides try to learn to be okay with it. I know that’s probably not an answer that helps very much, but there really isn’t much you can do to fix it, yeah? It will be okay.” You had looked down by this point, so Chris leaned down to meet your eye level, locking you in. He extended his right index and middle fingers to hold the bottom of your chin, slowly but delicately bringing your face back up to normal with his head following right along. He never broke eye contact. He started to whisper. “Hey, you’ve done nothing wrong. Sometimes things happen, things that we can’t change. And if we spend our whole lives worrying about those things, then we will never move on to what we are meant to do. I know it must be hard seeing your friend not move on with you. And I know how discouraging it feels to think that it’s just a matter of time before you’re next. But you have to keep your head up and keep going. You can still be a good friend. You can still be a supporter and a helper. You can still be a confidant. But you can’t forget that this is your dream too. And as harsh as it sounds, sometimes you’ve just got to do what you’ve got to do to stay alive… Whether that means push your feelings aside or not. You still have your other friends to go through this with, yeah? Let them be your rock, and you be theirs. I can’t promise you that you’ll all make it through together. But I can promise you that if everyone works hard enough, they will make it through… You will make it through.” You had a few stray tears rolling down your face with Chris’ words. Somewhat because of the situation, yes, but the words did help. They made you feel reassured. More than anything, they made you feel seen. Made you feel like someone understands the pain you felt, even if it was a bit ridiculous to be so worked up. A small smile crept up. You looked down, then back up at Chris with an approving nod.

“You’re right,” you took a deep breath out. Your hands reached for your eyes to wipe at them and then went right back down to your lap. The mood had quickly shifted in the room from something serious and uptight to calm and relaxed. “Thank you Chris, really. Even just letting me get everything out made me feel better, but I do really appreciate your advice. I really value the way that you think. Really. Thank you.”

Chris blushed. He reached for the back of his neck to hold it, feeling obviously shy. “Don’t say that,” he looked down, smiling. “It’s no problem.” He put his arm down and looked up. “You feeling better?”

“Yes, thank you,” you chuckled. You instinctively went in for a hug, which Chris reciprocated. The moment he locked his arms around your back, he felt so warm… so comforting. It was like his warm words had been personafied into an action, the everyday expression of a hug. Something about this moment just felt right. You leaned in even closer, deepening the hug. Chris picked up on your cues and gently reciprocated, pushing you closer into his chest as well. He started to rub your back, making contact with your hair and neck, ever so slightly. You let out a small sigh and melted in. You felt his breath hitch, his heart stopping for just one second while he seemed to tense up. Just for a split second though. He soothed down into your grasp as well and started to rock into the hug, rubbing larger circles onto your back. You stayed like that for a few more moments, just enjoying each other’s body heat and the calm silence that remained in the building since you were the only two left. You wished you could stay like that for the next hour, but then again, you knew if you didn’t pull away soon, things would start to feel awkward. You slowly started to pull your arms back and away from his back and waist, dragging your hands lightly along the black hoodie as you went. Chris matched your actions and untangled his limbs from around your body, pulling away from your side and upper back. It was slow. It was meaningful. You weren’t sure if it was intentional, but he continued to slowly drag his hands away until one was resting on your waist and the other on the opposing side of your neck between your ear and jaw. For just a split second, he held his position, then slowly pulled his hands completely off of you. He smiled but looked down while pulling his body back, from only inches away to now a couple of feet.

You returned the smile and looked down to your hands folded in your lap. “I appreciate you Chris. I really really do. I know you’re super busy, so it means a lot to me that you’d take the time to listen to me. Hopefully one day, I can return the favor.”

“I’ll never be too busy,” he said under his breath while still looking down, almost like he didn’t want you to hear it. “People like us, we’ve gotta stick together, yeah? The world is hard sometimes, but we can lean on each other to make it a bit easier… Plus, we’ve gotta stick it out so Berry and Bella can have some play dates the next time you come back,” he giggled and looked at you endearingly. Something about that comment made your heart swell. “You will come back, won’t you?” He raised his eyebrow and gave you and over-dramatic expression, like he was wanting to get a laugh out of you. This man lol.

“Of course I’ll come back. Our long-lost daughters will be dying to meet each other, I’m sure.” You cracked a smile. A genuine smile. “Plus, people like us have to stick together, remember?” You lightheartedly asked, mirroring what he had just told you.

“Yeah, yeah we do.” He smiled and looked straight into your eyes. You could have sworn he was closer now than he had been a few seconds ago. Or maybe you wanted him to be. You could have reached out, pulled him into another hug. It would have felt natural. Well, to you at least. You didn’t want to out-hug Chris for the night. Plus, I’m sure you were somewhat swayed by how handsome he is, which factored into it. You shifted your position back slightly.

“I better get out of here and get back to the hotel. Anna thought I was headed back like 30 minutes ago. I know she’s probably as stressed as me about everything going on,” you stood up off of the couch. Chris followed suit as you shuffled past him toward the door.

“Tell her what we talked about and hopefully it can calm her down some too.” Chris caught your waist with his hand as you went to open the door. “Do you want me to walk with you back to your hotel? It’s late, and I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or anything.” You turned to face him. What a cutie. He was probably just saying it to be nice. Also probably because you were still a distraught foreign woman about to wonder the streets alone after midnight. Still cute though.

“That’s okay. It’s the opposite direction from your apartment anyways, so I wouldn’t want to put you out that much.” You knew from meeting up with Changbin at their apartment that it would probably take around 30 minutes for him to get back to his place if he accompanied you to yours. Just seemed like a bit much at this time of night.

“I know, but I promise I don’t mind.” … Wait hold up. ‘I know?’ How did he know where your hotel was? You didn’t think you’d mentioned it. Old conversations started to scan through your mind, trying to think of any time you may have mentioned it to him. Nothing you could think of. Maybe you had drank too much the night everyone was together. Maybe a bunch of other Everyday Idol contestants were staying at the same place. Whatever, not a big deal.

“It’s okay Chris, really. But thank you. That’s very kind,” you smiled warmly at him. He took it openly. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, of course!” He exclaimed, sounding a bit off. Almost… nervous? One more quick exchange of smiles and you were off. Once you had reached the cold air that hit you outside of the confines of the JYPE building, you silently thanked yourself for telling Chris you’d be alright on your own. You didn’t want him to see you with your teeth chattering, lips getting chapped, and nose about to run from the cold. The only thing that kept you thawed while on the trek back was thinking about Chris’ kindness. The fact that he even offered to walk you to your hotel made your cheeks heat up. Did he mean anything else by that? You were sure not. He’s just a good guy. But you couldn’t help but let your mind wander just a little bit. I wish he was my good guy. Maybe he could think that too?

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

And that is why, here you were, arguing with your best friend over whether or not you should respond to a message from Jeon Jungkook, of all people, wanting to see you. I mean, you weren’t blind. Jungkook was cute, yes. But having his first words to you be: “Heyyy there,” while smirking and definitely looking at your tits instead of your face, didn’t exactly make you want to see him again. How could that even be an option when you could only think about Chris? Sweet, sweet Chris.

“Okay, so he was a little bit of an asshole,” Anna started. “But you literally only talked to him for like 2 minutes. How do you know he’s really like that? What if he was just putting up a front trying to seem cool? Obviously he’s interested in you, I mean he Instagram messaged you for God’s sake. I’d bet he was just nervous and didn’t know how to act around you. I think you should give him another chance.” You pondered this for a second. Jungkook was weird around you for sure. But knowing what you now knew, you guessed it could be from putting up a front with you. You guessed that could be a possibility. The more you thought about it, the more you thought Anna’s points were valid. What about Chris though?

“I guess you have a point,” you gave in. Anna looked at you with a smirk and an “I-told-you-so” expression. “But even if that was the case, I don’t… I’m stuck.” You leaned down closer to the table and lowered your voice even more, as if it were possible. “I think I have a little crush on Chris.”

“It’s about fucking time you said it!” Anna laughed, her voice growing louder. “I just knew you and Chris had something there since the night we all met for drinks. Ahhhh my bestie has a little crush!!!” She reached out to grab your cheeks. You turned red and swatted her hands away, pulling them down onto the table, bringing the rest of your body with her.

“Keep it down,” you scolded her. “It’s a one-sided thing. I don’t want anyone to know please, it’s low-key mortifying,” you scoffed while saying it, looking around the room to see if Anna’s wonderfully “robust” voice had grabbed the attention of some wondering ears. You didn’t see anything. “But even if it is one sided, I don’t want to ruin my chance before I even get one. Jungkook and Chris are friends. Surely, he’d find out.”

“Okay… So let him.”

“Huh?” You questioned, not sure what she was getting at.

“Let Chris get jealous.” She was being so serious. “It’s not like Chris has tried to make any kind of move on you since you’ve seen him. And neither have you. I mean you literally saw him the other day when you met JK and he said absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. In my book, JK is at least trying. Just go for it. See what happens.” You contemplated her words. “Maybe Chris will get jealous and confess his love to you,” she said taunting, opening her eyes really big to tease you. “Or maybe… maybe you’ll find out Jungkook is actually a pretty cool guy… And a guy who’s really into you and willing to make a move at that.” Damn, she is really coming through with some good points today.

“I’ll think about it,” you smiled back. You looked down to check the message again, only to realize what time it was. You both needed to get going to a meeting. You motioned down for Anna to look at the time.

“Come on, we better go.” You both stood up and turned to walk toward the exit. You passed by Felix’s table on the way through and looked over to give him a smile and wave, so as to say goodbye. Instead of the usual wave back, he just looked at you and smiled, brows raised high on his face, almost teasingly. He gave you the expression of knowing something that he shouldn’t. Or maybe HEARING something that he shouldn’t. OH SHIT. Your eyes shifted to Anna, wide as they’d ever been; however, she didn’t seem to notice and walked along without a care in the world. Your eyes darted back to Felix for a split second, hoping he’d looked away and you were misreading things. Surely you were just paranoid. His eyes met yours, still with the same gleefull smile. He let out a small chuckle, held the eye contact for one more second, and looked down at his phone, suddenly typing away. FUCK.

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sweet-pea-channie · 6 months

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Thank you so much for mentioning me 😊😊 glad that you loved my series

My favourite things I've read this week- 1st November

🌶=smut 🍌=no direct smut but mentions/implications 🌸= fluff 😡=angst

Forbidden Love 🌶🌸😡

Prince Stiles servant y/n by @sweet-pea-channie

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Just Keep Streaming🌶🌶

Harry Styles gamer by @lukesaprince

Best Friends Dad series 🌶🌶🌸😡

Harry Styles best friends married dad series by @gurugirl

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sweet-pea-channie · 7 months

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herscrunchiehairtie is now sweet-pea-channie

I just changed my URL once again. I hope all the links are working, if not, let me know! :)

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sweet-pea-channie · 8 months

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omg yes! Can’t wait!

So I did a thing.

The Master of Flirting is going to be a FIVE PART SERIES!

So instead of releasing “The Art of Meeting” on Friday which is now Part 3, I’ll be releasing “The Mystery of You”. I needed there to be some build up in their connection BEFORE they meet in LA and thus “The Mystery of You” was born.

This is the build up to the Art of Meeting in “Master Flirt” Series and will be the second part in the series.

1. Chapter 1 - The Master of Flirting - The reader and Chan forge an unlikely connection and bond and venture into territory that is unfamiliar to both.

2. The Mystery of You - Over a six day stretch before leaving for LA, the reader gets to know Bang Chan, becoming more excited about meeting him with each passing day. She also develops a special connection with two other members of Stray Kids as well.

3. The Art of Meeting - the reader and Chan are meeting up after their unlikely connection via bubble and instagram. The reader is heading to KCon to meet Chan and the boys. Will this meeting be everything she hoped for or make matters more complicated than she imagined? - Coming August 27th

4. Title 4 TBD - This will be the aftermath of their meeting in LA. More details to come because I don’t want to give it all away.

5. Title 5 TBD - This will be what becomes of this special connection between the reader and Bang Chan.

Hopefully those of you who enjoyed the first part will be excited to hear that I’m making this a series. I figured there was much more of this story to tell than I initially had planned. So, lucky you, you get my first series!

I can’t believe my first series is going to be about Channie. *hides in Seungmin and Han ult*

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sweet-pea-channie · 8 months

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he’s so wipped it’s too cute

The Mystery of You

Pairing: Chan x Reader

Warnings: language, mildly suggestive

Word Count: 3.8k

Summary: Chan and the reader really start to get to know each other over the course of the six days that span the time from their first connection to their fated meeting in LA. The reader also gets introduced to two other members of Stray Kids and starts to form a bond with them as well. Tensions between the reader and Chan are growing as the impending meeting at KCon approaches closer.

A/N: Part 2. For The Master of Flirting - It’s important to note that I will take into account Korean Standard time, I will be writing this part where all of the events take place during Central Standard Time. Also, this one really got away from me, but I really wanted to build that bond between Chan and the reader and create some tension before they meet in LA. Part 3 is gonna be a DOOZY so prepare yourselves, babes! I hope you guys like this one. It took me a lot to get the details all ironed out but it felt necessary. Next stop, LA!

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Tags: @hoeinthehouse @drhsthl @chrizzlaptop @dna-black-and-blue @lynlyndoll @hufflepuffanddurinsdaughter @staychansworld

Sunday, August 13th

Chan called back as promised to let you know the details of your trip. He had literally taken care of everything. Your flight was due to land in LA Saturday at 12:00 pm. It was a pretty quick flight, only three and a half hours. Your hotel room had been booked and would be right down the hall from the boys. Chan told you that your room would be right next to his. He had your backstage clearance for KCon. You were going to get to stick close to the boys while they prepared and then be escorted out to a prime spot in the audience for the performance itself on Sunday night. You couldn’t believe all of this was happening. You had the time off for work which with their KCon performance falling on a Sunday, you wouldn’t need to take any time from the week before. You had taken the entire week after off, just as a safeguard.

After the details of the trip were solidified, you convinced Chan to get some rest. It was getting late for him. You figured he wouldn’t actually go right to sleep, but you didn’t want to be the reason he wasn’t rested. He could make his own choices outside of that. He knew his body and his needs.

Monday, August 14th

The morning of Monday, August 14th, things spiraled even more in this whole bizarre occurrence that you were still wrapping your head around. Chan had introduced you to both Han and Seungmin. The amount of time that you talked about Han and Seungmin to Chan when you guys really started talking on Sunday night after Chan got some rest was a little embarrassing. You had admitted to him that the three of them, him, Han, and Seungmin had been your first biases, and he asked you just about every question he could think about regarding that.

Chan thought the idea of a bias was intriguing and to hear about what it meant to you really fascinated him.You explained to him that for you, having a Stray Kids bias was never about a physical attraction, but rather a soul connection, at least on your part. You had been drawn to Han immediately through exposure to the Maniac performances popping up on your FYP. He was what got you into picking a few more Stray Kids songs. Maniac was your first love and Han’s performances of that song had just blown you away. The more you listened, Chan’s vocals in the background of the chorus had sent you into orbit. You didn’t know who these guys were at the time, but you were weak for their voices. You wouldn’t say at the time you biased Han or Chan because you honestly had no clue what a bias was then and really outside of their musical talent in that one song, you knew nothing about them. More was needed for a soul connection. That connection had only come once you actually started learning more about the group as a whole. Chan and Han were immediately your favorites and it wasn’t long before Seungmin and his heavenly vocals had snaked their way into your heart as well.

Chan had shared your first singing video shortly after this conversation of biases with both Seungmin and Han because he thought it was really something special the way you had explained what having a bias meant for you. It had resulted in the two of them messaging you separately almost immediately after he told you he showed them. Chan had shared your number with both boys unbeknownst to you.

Monday, August 14 - 9:00 AM CST

Seungmin: First of all, it must be said that you absolutely don’t suck so never say that again. Second of all, Hello, I’m Seungmin of Stray Kids, and I think your voice is incredible.

Han: As soon as we get a moment in LA, we’re gonna sit down and record some tracks. You’re so fucking talented, and if I don’t sample your voice, I may die. So now you can’t say no. Also, hi I’m Han.

These messages had both appeared moments from each other and you just sat and stared at your phone, absolutely dumbfounded. There was no way this was your life. You had started a conversation with both men, and it was like you had been friends with them for years. You had messaged with them and even talked on the phone with each of them a time or two over the next few days. The soul connection you had felt with these three once you had really gotten to know them when learning about Stray kids had proven to be more correct than you imagined once you really started talking to them and actually connecting. They say you pick your biases because you are like them in some way, and the more you talked with these three, the more you saw that you had a little bit of each of them in you.

However, the connection with Chan was deeper than with the other two. You were so much like Han and Seungmin in different ways so the conversations with them flowed easily mostly about music, but some about your interests and hobbies. But you were different enough from Chan that it’s like there was a tether connecting the two of you. A magnet drawing the two of you closer, both of you seeking the other out without even thinking twice about it. Endless topics of conversation flowing between the two of you as you got to know each other. You talked about everything from your pets to what you’d be doing with your life if you had been born in another time.

Eventually the topic of the second song you found of Stray Kids came up. This was the song that would eventually lead you to want to learn more about the group, so Chan had to know more about which one it was and why. The second song you were obsessed with was “Red Lights”. Chan really perked up at that, but when you told him you still had no idea who anyone in the group was at the time that you started listening to it, but you just really vibed with the song and that one voice in particular made your knees go weak. It’s when Chan had really got on your radar and had driven you to eventually start learning about the group. He had definitely asked more questions about wanting to know who had driven you to find out more about stray kids.

Monday, August 14 11:00 PM CST

Bang Chan: One voice in particular, yeah? Mine or Hyunjin’s?

You could almost hear the smirk in his voice even though you were messaging. He knew from previous conversations that you were absolutely in love with his voice, but there was a part of him that needed to hear you pick him over Hyunjin. You knew that wasn’t something that happened very often for him.

Y/N: *video sent*

In the video, you had set up the camera so that you were sitting on the corner of your bed, your fairy lights illuminating the background behind you in a soft, deep crimson. One knee was pulled up close to your chest, your right elbow perched on it as you looked into the camera and began singing.

I cannot breathe without you being right by side, I’ll die

So can you please come over closer

Hold me tight, right now

You had run your hands through your hair, looking a little desperate as you sang the first line. You knew exactly what you were doing and you felt daring and empowered.

Don’t show that to Han and Seungmin. That one is just for you.

Bang Chan: shit.

Then there was radio silence for several minutes. It was long enough to make you really nervous, allowing your bravado to slip. As you were about to start sending a string of apologies about crossing a line you both weren’t ready for, you notice Chan typing in the chat again.

Bang Chan: You are seriously one of the most talented women I’ve ever heard in my life. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Damn. And fucking sexy as hell.

You stared at the screen. Bang fucking Chan had just called you sexy.

Bang Chan: Shit. I gotta go, darling. Busy day preparing to leave for Japan. I’ll call you tonight, yeah? Say, 11 pm KST? So 9:00 am Tuesday for you? I should be settled in Fukuoka by then.

Y/N: Just gonna abandon me after saying that?

Bang Chan: God. I know. Trust me, I’ll be lucky if I can focus all day. Plenty to dream about on the plane.

Y/N: Good. Cause now I have to try to go to sleep with the thought that Christopher fucking Bang told me I was quote “fucking sexy as hell.” Also, I can’t believe Bang Chan just said he’s gonna dream about me on the plane. What is this life?

Bang Chan: Ope. Using the full government name. *giggles* of course I’m going to dream of you. Have you seen you? Damn. But, I gotta go. Byeom, darling.

Before you fell asleep you had received a message from Seungmin.

Seungmin: I don’t know what you sent Channie Hyung, but he has now watched it an embarrassing amount of times, quickly puts it away when anyone tries to look over his shoulder, and is constantly beaming. You’ve got this old man whipped and he hasn’t even laid eyes on you in person yet. We’re in so much trouble when that happens.

Seungmin: Also, Han and I have been working on what we want to sit down and record with you while we’re in LA. I’m so excited to share this with you!

Y/N: And you’ll never know what I sent Chan. ;p Now keep those little puppy eyes to yourself, eh? ANYWAY, I’m so excited to get to sit down with you and Han and record. Like, I still can’t believe this is my life.

Seungmin: First, eww. Second, leave my puppy eyes out of this. Third, it is your life, you deserve it from what I can tell so accept it and embrace, woman.

Tuesday, August 15, 2023 6:00 AM CST

Han: I’m pretty sure I heard Channie Hyung mumbling your name in sleep on the plane. What kind of spell have you put on our leader? Also, I hope Seungmin told you about our plans because we are both so stoked. We’re having a hard time focusing on the stage we’re about to show in Japan. We’ll get in the headspace and I hope you love our stages. I know STAYS will end up sharing that shit far and wide, so you’ll have to tell me what you think!

Y/N: I swear, you and Seungmin are both menace’s to society. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy? Hahaha And yes, Seungmin shared about your plans. I’m beyond excited. I hope your guys concert prep and concerts are a raging success, Hannie. You’re an absolute rockstar, no matter what so I have faith you’ll kill whatever you're putting on stage.

Han: What do you know? Just know that I’m eyeing you suspiciously. Did Chan tell you something? Seungmin and I are a dream team. You’re lucky to be the target of our attention and torture. It means we love you.

Y/N: I don’t know a damn thing. Just look forward to getting to see whatever it is you’re hinting at. Also, aww what a twisted way to show you love someone. How cute.

Han: You’re a mess, you know that? Take the love. Embrace it. Roll around in it. It’s not going away. Speaking of going away, I got shit to do even though it’s already like 8 pm. I’ll yell at you later, bro.

Y/N: Okay bro. Don’t forget to eat and drink and maybe sleep some in there too.

Han: Okay, now you sound like Chan. BYE!

Tuesday, August 15, 2023 9:00 AM CST

“Heya!” you chirped as you answered the phone. You were never this peppy in the morning, but since it was Bang Chan you had been up and around for hours anticipating another conversation on the phone with him.

“Hey, darlin,” he said. He sounded as though he had an exhausting day. “Are you one of those crazy morning people?” He questioned seriously.

You couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oh hell no. I’ve just been up for hours because I had too much on my mind. And Han was texting me early this morning. I sleep like a degenerate, so we have that in common,” you teased.

“Hey,” he protested.

“Come on, you know I’m right.I don’t know you that well yet, but I definitely know that.”

“It’s not fair because I still feel like I know so little about you,” he whined. You heard him plop back on his bed or onto a couch, you weren’t sure which.

“To be fair, my every move isn’t all over YouTube for the whole world to see,” you countered. “I can’t imagine what that must be like.”

He sighed. “Honestly I kind of forget that all exists sometimes. I just try to focus on what’s in front of me. If I let that stuff get to be too bad, I lose track of my goals. I’ve been there before and I had to learn that the hard way,” he admitted.

“Hmmm,” you responded, encouraging him to continue if he wanted. “Yeah, I can only imagine.”

“We’ll get to that depressing story another day, I want to talk about you,” he continued. “I haven’t stopped thinking about that video for a second today, by the way,” he confessed.

“Yeah?” you asked. “I have it on pretty good authority that you maybe watched that video a couple dozen times,” you laughed.

“Hell yeah,” he chuckled. “Wait, fucking Seungmin. I may have watched it several times back again and messed with putting your vocals into the track. Maybe,” he chuckled shyly.

“Wow,” you whispered. “I don’t know what to say.” And you didn’t. You were at a loss for words with how obsessed with your voice he and the other two seemed to be.

“You don’t have to say anything. Just don’t refute the compliment,” he said matter of factly.

“Yes sir,” you smirked. You didn’t know how he would react to that, but you took the chance anyway.

He cleared his throat and you heard him inhale deeply. “God, don’t start something we can’t finish, y/n,” he practically begged.

“And what would that be, Christopher?” you asked innocently.

He huffed again. “Baby girl, you talk like that and I’m gonna say things that I’d much rather say in person for the first time,” he admitted.

You swallowed hard, a blush creeping up your neck.

“Oh,” you let out. That answer had caught you by surprise. “I’ll behave,” you promised. “Scout’s honor.”

He chuckled at that. “You’re really gonna be the death of me. Tell me about your family and where you grew up,” he asked. “Distract me, but also, I want to know.”

You proceeded to talk about where you grew up, what life was like growing up in the states, and learned that a lot of your raising wasn’t all that different from Chan’s despite being raised on the other side of the world. You looked at the clock and realized it was nearing noon.

“Whoa, Chan it’s late for you,” you said after you had stopped laughing about a story he had told you about him and his siblings when they were younger.

“Eh, I’ve done much worse,” he said dismissively. “Hell this is early,” he added.

“You have a concert tomorrow,” you said. “Don’t work too hard. I know you know your boundaries.”

“Thanks darlin’.”

“Of course, Channie.”

“I like that coming from you,” he confessed, a shy chuckle emitting from him. Sometimes you couldn’t believe that this shy guy was the same one who was flirting with you earlier and talking about not finishing what you started.

“I should probably go, anywway. Do something other than talk for hours to this cute guy I just met.”

“Oh, you should tell me about him next time,” Chan laughed. “Sounds interesting.

“Shut up,” you laughed. “Talk later, yeah?”

“God, you’re already starting to sound like me,” Chan groaned.

“To be fair, I’ve always sounded like this. I’m a midwesterner,” you joked.

“Whatever that means,” Chan teased like you hadn’t spent the better part of thirty minutes explaining to him what it was like living in the midwestern United States.

“Eh, watch it.”

“Go be productive, y/n,” he quipped.

“Ugh fine!” you relented. “Talk later.”

“G’day, darling.”

“G’night, Channie.”

The next two days proved to be busy for the both of you, neither of you really getting the opportunity to talk on the phone long. You had text back and forth often, sometimes sending voice messages and videos, but neither of you had long enough to have an actual conversation.

In the time that you had not had to talk with Chan, Han had been blowing up your phone with lyrics that he had written for you that he wanted you to record. He has even sent you a guide track. It was a beautiful piece that he and Seungmin had been working on together since Sunday in between their busy schedules.

Wednesday, August 16 3:00 AM CST

Bang Chan: Okay, I know I’m about to go onstage for the first night in Fukuoka, but I had to tell you for the hundredth time I can’t wait until Saturday. I’m about as giddy as a school girl. You can ask any of the guys. I’m a fucking mess. hahahaha I’m sure you’re sleeping like a good girl.

Y/N: Yah, focus on your performance. You’ve gotta blow away a bunch of STAYS with your charm and charisma, you can rizz me up AFTER the concert, eh? ;) and also, think again. If you’ve learned anything about me, I’m anything but good. ;)

Bang Chan: I’m running away now. I only have about an hour and I have shit to do before going on. Talk soon, darling. Oh and please don’t message Han or Seungmin. *runs away and hides*

Group Chat with Han & Seungmin

Seungmin: He’s red as a beat again.

Han: I like when you talk to Chan, he becomes so much nicer. I can get away with so much more. Keep talking, I gotta go cause some chaos while I have the chance.

Y/N: Don’t you dare, Han Jisung. You need to be focused on your performance too! What am, gonna become the resident mom of Stray Kids? Damn!

Seungmin: eww, no. Not that. Anything but that.

Y/N: Then go kick ass at this concert and stop bugging Chan! And hell, me too you little shits.

Seungmin: Truce.

Han: Truce.

Y/N: Good. Now, get out there show those JStays what you’ve got. I’m so jealous, by the way.

Seungmin: We’re both gonna make sure you get some specific footage from the concert tonight. You just can’t share it with anyone.

Han: ooooo secret secrets are so amazing.

Y/N: Damn, my life was really boring before Sunday.

Seungmin: you’re welcome.

Han: Glad to be of service. *runs off and grabs electric guitar that won’t be used at all for the concert tonight*

Y/N: Electric Guitar?!?!? Han Jisung you come back here. Are you play THE GUITAR IN JAPAN?!

You didn’t hear back from either man until after the concert. Yes, Han had played the electric guitar on stage, and when he sent you a video that their manager himself had recorded for you, you thought you had died and gone to heaven. He also sent you Seungmin’s performance and then teased you about Chan’s saying that it was a conversation you’d have to have with him. He didn’t promise you anything from Chan. Han Jisung was an absolute menace, but man were you glad that you could say he was a part of your life now. It still didn’t feel real.

Chan had sent you his performance as well. He’d called you immediately after the concertn on Thursday and there was a lot of flirty banter going on between you on that night. He teased you about how much he knew you were probably dying at his video and you sent him a video of you singing “Connected” that shut him right on up. You had recorded it Wednesday night randomly knowing it would probably come in handy as a good weapon against Chan. You weren’t wrong.

“God damn, baby girl. Using my own song against me. Shit,” he breathed out. You could tell he was trying to hold himself together.

“I’ve got plenty of weapons in my arsenal, babe. Don’t test me. If you do, better be ready for a fight,” you warned.

“Oh I’m more than fucking ready,” he growled.

“Sounds like someone needs to follow the advice of their own song,” you teased. “You know the part, “Diamond plated tension. Two minds, one direction. Craving the connection. Patience, babe.” you sang.

He went onto sing the next line, his voice laced with desire that was unmistakable.

“We’re pulling at each other like magnets. The rules are telling us to ignore them.Your moves they’re asking me for attention. Oh I’m losing it,” he sang back.

“I swear to god, Saturday can’t get here quick enough, Chan,” you huffed, the heat rising on your skin.

“Trust me, baby girl, I know. And on that note, I know this conversation wasn’t long enough, but I’ve gotta go,” he said. You could hear the anguish in his voice.

“Man, okay. No yeah, I understand. I forget you’re an actual star sometimes,” you admitted.

“I wish I could forget sometimes,” he mumbled.

You chose to let it slide, knowing you didn’t have time to unpack that heavy statement at the moment.

“We’re flying out early Friday and we’ll be in Korea for like no time at all before we are back on a plane to LA and then it’s time to see you,” he added.

“Saturday can’t come quick enough,” you agreed.

“It really can’t,” he echoed. “Alright, have a good rest of your Thursday, darlin’. I’ll text you when we’re heading to the airport. We’ll talk Friday about the details for Saturday, yeah?”

“Yeah,” you smiled. “Talk later.”

“G’day darlin’” Chan said, his smile evident even though you couldn’t see his face.

“G’night, babe,” you said and ended the all too short call.

Just one day separated you from meeting this man and your heart was racing at the thought. You had no real idea what to expect, but you knew it was going to be a whirlwind the second you landed in LA. Sleep evaded you for a while as the prospect of meeting Chan and Stray Kids clouded your every thought.

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sweet-pea-channie · 9 months

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Me at 3am clicking “keep reading” on the most jaw dropping, earth shattering, pantie dropping, smutty fic when I have to be up in 3 hours

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sweet-pea-channie · 10 months

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don't fucking interrupt me when i'm reading my x reader fics it's rude

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sweet-pea-channie · 11 months

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Please tell me there will be a second part to this! Because I really need a second part! This is so good!

❤️Red❤️

☀️Feelbokkie M.list ☀️

Red: Passion, Love, Anger

pov: 1st person

genre: angst, hurt no comfort

description: You've been with Chan since before he moved to Korea to pursue being an idol. 13 years later, you've reached your breaking point.

pairing: chan x fem!reader

warnings: break up, swearing, yelling

word count: 2,030

🖍️Crayon Box M.list🖍️

“Congrats on a successful comeback!” Chan and I clink glasses before I take a sip of my red wine.

For the first time in a while, it’s just the two of us on a date. He’s been busy prepping and promoting Stray Kids’ most recent comeback which means we rarely got to spend time together. I can’t remember the last time we actually got dressed and hung out somewhere that wasn’t in his studio or his dorm. With how busy he is and my schedule as an English teacher, we don’t get a lot of moments like this. We would compromise and I would just join him wherever he was during my free time. Sometimes, I would take my grading and do that while he worked on music just to be near him.

“Thank you! I wouldn’t have been able to get through it this time if you weren’t there supporting me every step of the way.” Chan smiles, placing his hand in mine.

We’ve been together since we were 14, right before he decided that he wanted to become an idol. 13 years later, we’re still together and he’s made his dream a reality. After 4 years of being long-distance, I decided to attend university in Korea and then become an English teacher. My parents and friends thought I was crazy to upend my life and move to a foreign country for someone with a “pipe dream.” But I believed in him, and in the end, he accomplished what he set out to do. Now, my parents complain about how we’ve been together so long and Chan still hasn’t put a ring on my finger. I can never win in their eyes.

“Chan, are you busy next Saturday evening? The school is honoring me with an award and I would love it if you could make an appearance.” I take another sip and wait for his answer. Even though he has a bit more free time, he still has his duties to do.

“I have a few interviews and stuff in the morning, but after that, I’m all yours. I promise. Congrats on getting that award. I’ve seen how hard you work for those kids, you deserve it!” He offers me a big smile, light twinkling in his eyes. The same look he’s had on his face when he looks at me since we were kids.

It’s easier for us now that we’re public with our relationship. We were scared at first and didn’t say anything when his dating ban was first lifted. He didn’t want fans to turn their backs on him since he had been in a relationship the entire time and I didn’t want the negativity that comes with dating an idol. Eventually, we decided last year to just go public so we could have some sense of normalcy. The response was surprisingly positive and we no longer had to sneak around at events or in public. I could sit with him or stand with him at award shows. He could make a quick stop at the school I worked at to bring me lunch.

“What’s the award for?” He asks bringing me out of a daze.

“We can talk about it later. Tonight is about you.” I put my glass down and reach for his other hand.

“There’s nothing to talk about with me, you were there literally every step of the way.” He takes both of my hands and brings them to his mouth, placing a long kiss.

“Well, if you insist…”

***

Chan never showed up. We agreed earlier in the week that he would come to my apartment and we would go together. A few days ago, he sent me a text saying he would meet me in front of the school. I waited outside in the cold until one of my coworkers came to tell me that they would be starting soon. I even texted Changbin to make sure nothing had happened, and he said that Chan had been home all day working on music since they came back from their interviews. He forgot, plain and simple as that. And for whatever reason, he wasn’t answering his phone. It was humiliating. My coworkers had been talking about the award all week and if Chan would show up. I must have looked like a liar when I had to spend the rest of the night saying something had come up.

I let myself into Chan’s dorm and make my way straight to his room. I open the door without knocking and close it behind me. Surrounded by pure darkness, I take a deep breath. He’s asleep. I love that for him, everyone knows how little sleep he gets normally. But at the same time, he promised to be there. My hand frantically searches the wall looking for the light switch. My eyes take a few seconds to adjust when the lights finally come on. I stare at Chan’s sleeping figure. My eyes pan to his desk. There’s a notebook open with a pen sitting in the middle. A telltale sign that he was just working on music. I clench and unclench my fist, trying to calm myself down. My eyes settle on a pillow that’s laying on the floor. I pick it up and chuck it at Chan’s peaceful figure.

“What… what the hell?” He stirs in his sleep, looking at where the attack came from.

“I asked for one night. One. Fucking. Night.” I pick up his balled-up shirt from the floor and threw it at him, landing a perfect shot on his face.

“What are you talking about… Oh, shit,” He sits up and takes the shirt I threw at him off his face.

“You forgot, because of fucking course you did!” I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s not funny, but I don’t know how else to react at this point.

“Y/N—” He stands up quickly and makes his way toward me. I take a step back.

“I gave up everything for you. I moved to another country where I barely know the language. I studied the only thing I could. I took a job that I don’t want, just so I can stay here and be near you.”

“I know—” He reaches out for me and I smack his hand away.

“My parents and friends thought I was crazy for leaving everything I know for a boy who was trying to become an idol. I ruined those relationships for you, do you realize that?”

“I do, but—” His jaw twitches, controlling his anger.

“I’ve been there for every award show, performance, and interview—And even when I couldn’t, I made sure that you knew that I was still at your side rooting for you. I stayed late with you at the studio and the practice room even if I had work the next day, just to spend a few moments with you. I asked you to come to one event for me and you forgot because of fucking course you did. I’ll always be second to you and your career.”

“That’s not fair—”

“I love you with every fiber of my being but I am so sick and tired of giving and not receiving, Chris. I cannot keep doing this.” I whisper. The anger that’s been brewing in my body all night finally settled.

“Then don’t!” He snaps eyebrows furrowed, nostrils flared. I jump at his tone. When Chan is mad, he’s scary. He’s never gotten this mad at me before. I blink at him slowly.

“So that’s it? You’re not even going to fight for this? For us? You’re just willing to throw away 13 years, just like that? After everything we’ve been through?” Do not cry.

“What the fuck do you want from me, Y/N? Do you want me to apologize for being a shitty boyfriend? Because I am. I’m so sorry that I’ve been neglecting you and taking you for granted. But you came here with the intention of attacking me. You wouldn’t even let me get a full sentence out to defend myself.”

“So then this is all my fault?” Do not fucking cry. Not here, and definitely not now.

“You’re trying to push all the blame on me when you’re just as much to blame for all of this. I didn’t ask you to move here and cut off your friends and family. I don’t make you come to all of my things. I ask you if you want to come and you always say yes. I appreciate that you did that, I truly do. But do not use something against me that you decided to do on your own free will. It’s not fair. I drop the ball sometimes, I’m human. You’re going to fault me for one mistake and try to end things?”

“It’s not just one mistake.” I breathe.

“What?” His voice finally drops.

“This isn’t the first time something like this has happened.”

“What are you talking about?” His expression softens back into the normal Chan. The calm one. The one I fell in love with all those years ago.

“Over the years, I’ve invited you to things. To meet my friends. To meet my coworkers. To my college graduation. But I was really understanding. Our relationship had been private for so long and you were either touring or in another country working on promotions. But what’s your excuse now that we’re public and don’t have any of those things going on? There’s always going to be something that comes before me and I can’t—I won’t do this anymore.”

The room falls quiet. I press my lips tightly and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to gain the courage to walk away. After a few more seconds of silence, I finally turn around to leave. I feel Chan’s tight grip on my bicep, preventing me from taking another step. He loosens his hold and slides his hand down to my hand.

“Please, don’t leave me. We can fix this—I can fix this.” Chan whispers. I don’t turn around. I can’t turn around. If I do, I’ll never leave. And I need to leave for my sanity.

“I told you last year that this was your last chance. I can’t keep giving you last chances, it’s not fair to me. And seeing how quickly you were willing to just end it a few minutes ago, I don’t think I want to. I’m sorry, Chris.” I shake my hand out of his grip and quickly leave his room. I shut the door and lean against it, taking deep breaths as my tears pour down my face.

“Fuck!” I hear Chris’ muffled, yet clear, voice scream through the door followed by a thud. And another one. I heard the sound of something breaking on the other side of the door. I cry harder, fighting the urge to go back in there and calm him down, stop him from destroying his room.

Jisung, Changbin, and Hyunjin rush into the hallway, concerned about the noise coming from their leader’s room. They all stop and stare at me with confused looks on their faces. Their eyes shift between each other and then back to me. I don’t know what they expected, but I’m sure it wasn’t this.

“Y/N noona, what’s…” Jisung starts to ask but stops when I quietly shake my head. I did into my purse and pull out my key to the dorm. I yank it off the keyring, looking at it one more time before looking up.

“Can one of you give this to him when he calms down? P-please?” I stick my hand out with the key and watch as Hyunjin hesitates to take it.

“Noona—” Changbin starts as I finally move away from Chan’s door, the sound of destruction slowly fading in the distance. When I make it to the front door I stop and turn to face the three younger boys.

“I hope we will be able to stay in contact. But I’ll understand if you want nothing to do with me. Thank you for all your years of friendship.” I quickly bow before leaving the dorm.

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