#// and it sucks 'cos stimming comes as naturally to me as speaking or walking

[demonsfate]

i either gave myself a concussion or i developed a sinus infection from the cold or both but it's been driving me wild for the past few days.

#✏️ - ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴏsᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏsᴛ // (ooc) #// i can't stim at all without feeling dizzy and sick #// and it sucks 'cos stimming comes as naturally to me as speaking or walking #// i partially think it's a sinus infection #// 'cos i get this real sharp pain shooting thru my face when i sniffle #// plus i get 'toothache' like pains #// as well as my nose still running every now and then and my throat feeling tight & hurting sometimes #// even tho i should be practically better by now #// but another part of me thinks i gave myself brain damage #// because my eyes have been acting weird - and often seeing a trail behind things in motion #// and that was happening before i was sick #// but i never noticed dizziness or headaches/brain fog UNTIL AFTER i was sick... #// and it happened when i was gently swaying rather than hard rocking #// so i dunno what it could be #// i'll have to wait until monday before i can make an appointment with the doc :(

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I can’t write anything remotely specific about what’s happened at the co-op job I’m doing. It’s working at an autism centre, and confidentiality rules are strict, for good reason. I say lots of shit on this blog that I wouldn’t say if it weren’t anonymous, but I say stuff about myself. I know I’m taking a certain amount of risk with my own personal information, putting an amount of it on the internet that is calculated to be enough for this blog to be a nice therapeutic outlet, but hopefully not so much that anyone who knows me ever comes across it. I know it’s very unlikely that anyone would be able to identify me on here, but there’s never zero risk, and I can’t take that risk with other people’s confidential information about what happens in their medical setting. Take note, people I’ve only heard about from stories and have never actually checked to see if they exist but they probably do exist – nurses who film Tik-Toks at work.

However, I would like to say that it is really fucking sucks to be in a room full of stim toys and not be allowed to use any of them. Whole room geared toward supports for kids who have autistic needs, and I’m sitting there trying desperately not to look or sound or seem too autistic because I’m hoping these people will give me a real job someday. I spent yesterday constantly checking every part of my body to make sure I was keeping it still and doing something normal with my gaze, while watching clients in a playground of items that were made for people who have difficulty with this. I have an evaluation sheet to be filled out by my supervisor in which one of the criteria on which she judges me is my ability to present professionally and speak with a natural tone of voice. So basically... to be allowed to work with autistic people, you have to not appear autistic. It’s a strange situation.

Also, I would just like to say, in my Autistic Opinion, I hate that the use of functioning labels has stopped being okay. There are many contexts when those labels aren’t appropriate, and there are many ways in which they’ve been used badly, and that should stop. But sometimes, it’s useful to have a quick way to explain that I can understand language, speak clearly enough to be understood, use the bathroom and get dressed without help, read, and write, and those skills make it much easier for me to navigate the world than it is for people who can’t do those things. But then, the use of functioning labels can make it too easy for me to think of myself as a completely different type of autistic person than the clients I see who can’t do a variety of those things, and I have to remind myself that that isn’t always the case. When I was a kid, I was higher functioning than a lot of the clients at the centre where I work, but not by nearly as much and you’d think based on who I am now. I can watch a kid walk around a therapy room talking to themselves in nonsensical language and not taking notice of anyone or anything around them, and the use of functioning labels can make me think I don’t relate to that, but then I remember that’s exactly what I used to do as a kid and that’s why I had teachers telling my parents I’d never graduate school through the regular system. I had some things change as I got older, but if I try, I can remember how it felt.

When I got diagnosed I was 14 and already much “higher functioning” for my age than I’d been in elementary or middle school, and it was called Asperger’s Syndrome when they applied it to me. Asperger’s Syndrome is no longer an official condition; they took it out of the DSM a few years ago and it all got rolled into autism spectrum disorder, so officially now I’m just high-functioning autistic, rather than officially being Asperger’s, since no one’s officially Asperger’s anymore. Also, the term Asperger’s has Nazi connections and it’s probably best to just stop using it. But I’ll sometimes still call myself Asperger’s just because if I call myself autistic, people are confused because I can talk and read and write and use the bathroom and dress myself unassisted, so how can I be autistic? I sometimes say “mildly autistic”, which has the same problematic connotations as “high functioning”, but it does work as something to make people understand.

Anyway, those are some thoughts. Can’t get more specific than that, but those are some thoughts I have as I work with people who are on other parts of the spectrum than I am. It’s a weird experience. But I’m glad it’s the field I chose to study. I hope I can do good things in it.