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tarnishedxknight · 1 month

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{out of dalmasca} Well... I'm finally home. I got home around 2:30PM. Saturday. For a same-day procedure scheduled for 4:30PM Friday that should have taken from check-in to discharge about 4-5 hours.

Yeeeeeeeah...

It. Was. An absolute nightmare. I'll briefly summarize below a cut for anyone who wants the dirt and to hear my harrowing tale of woe, lol, but long story short, it was one of the worst experiences of my life and I never want to go back to that hospital ever again, heh. Which.. is sad. I was born in that hospital. My mother was a nurse there for the majority of her career. She loved that hospital. My life was saved there when I was two and sick with JRA, and my dad's was saved when he was in his 60s and he got a rare blood infection. But this experience? -47/10 would not recommend. But it's done, the actual surgery went well, now I just have to heal up. =)

Okay, so. What happened was... someone who should've had a 2-hour surgery before me to have their appendix removed ended up having a cancerous tumor there that nobody expected. It was really in there good and wrapped around important things, and the surgery took 8 hours to safely remove it. So my appt. time was 4:30PM, I was told to get there at 2PM, I got there at 1:45PM... and I didn't have surgery until 11:45PM. It was a total fiasco of everything that could possibly go wrong... going wrong.

Machines broke down or malfunctioned. They did a random maintenance of the computer system so none of the nurse could log into their little mobile kiosk accounts. I had two different bed issues. One took three nurses to figure out how to lock it so it didn't move around (the table I was having surgery on), and the other bed (my post-op recovery bed) the nurse backed so far up that it got hiked up onto a drawer of a shelving unit behind it and then wouldn't raise or lower. When she figured this out, she closed the drawer, causing the bed to painfully and suddenly drop like 8 inches to the floor with me in it. My check-in nurse disappeared and they couldn't find him for a solid hour and I had to get another one and restart the whole process. Another forgot to take an IV port out of an elderly patient who had been next to me and let him go home with it, only to have to walk him through removing it over the phone later. None of this instilled confidence.

They put me in a room after surgery because "it's late now," and the phone didn't work in the room. Neither did the TV. That's okay because I couldn't see anything anyway AND I had no cell phone because my dad took them, because they told him he'd be coming back in a couple hours to take me home and then... just kidding. So I sat in one room for 8 hours before surgery, and then sat in another post-surgery for 13 hours. With. Nothing to do (except they did have a passable portable tv in the first room, which I'll get to in a second). Unable to see or make calls. And I had none of my meds that prevent other serious medical issues while sleep so......... I couldn't sleep. I had to fight to stay away or risk things going wrong in other ways. Dear gods, the boredom and stress.

I was put in a room with a terminally ill cancer patient who wanted to chat and tell me in gory detail everything about her illness. That... was not what I needed right just then. Then, she kept like... I would push the call button (once I found out where it was because nobody told me), and because I was hidden in the back and she was by the door, they would just ask her what she wanted, she'd get help to do this that or whatever, and then they'd leave again without even talking to me.

Just outside our room was the man who had the appendix out. He was shrieking, crying, and moaning all night long because he was in pain, and they couldn't give him anything for it because his blood pressure had bottomed out. It was like something out of a horror movie, except real, to listen to the sounds of agony this poor man was making. Extremely upsetting. I cried twice just because I had a visceral human response to the sounds he was making. Another reason why I got no sleep.

I am supposed to be on a low fat diet, at least until I heal. Also, when you have GE surgery, the last thing you want is to drink caustic acid. So what do they bring me for breakfast? Orange juice, raw pineapple, and tart strawberries (I could feel them all burning on the way down, I was in agony), and then scrambled eggs with melted cheese, fried breakfast sausages, and fried potatoes. Like. What the actual fuck. And coffee. I detest coffee. When I asked for tea I got looked at funny and told they couldn't give that to me. Apparently hot tea is a burn risk, but hot coffee is fine. Yeah, okay, sure. Tell that to that woman who sued McDonalds for burning her own lap. I couldn't eat the potatoes, they were so dry I was afraid of choking on them, it was ridiculous. But I ate and drank as much as I could because, all told during this process, I had gone 17.5 hours without water, and about 21 hours without food.

The reason they kept me overnight was because my surgeon just left afterward. He didn't talk to me, didn't give discharge orders, didn't say anything, he just left. Then, as of like 6AM when they called him, he didn't answer, until around 12PM when they gave up and called another doctor, who basically said yeah I'm busy I'll get to it when I get to it. Hence me not being released until 2PM.

And the pain is..... omg intense. Debilitating. Not at all what was described to me as what to expect. And I'm no wuss, I've been in and out of hospitals since I was two, I have 10 piercings, I had all four wisdom teeth extracted and was eating pizza later that same day lol, and I have a very high pain threshold, so for me to say the pain is A Lot™ is.... yeah. This is hell. I am in hell. XD

But I am home now and I just need to somehow get through the next few days until the pain gets better and my life gets more normal. My sleep schedule is all messed up and the pain is distracting, so I'm not sure when I'm going to be on to write. Over the next 3 days or so, I'll do what I can, when I can. If I feel like it's comforting and therapeutic, I will. If not, I won't.

BUT... the one ray of light in this hellish process was that in the room I was in for 8 hours the first time, they had a TV, and even though everything was blurry without my glasses, I found a channel playing movies. I got to watch the classic Ghostbusters II, which I love, and then they had back to back Iron Man and Iron Man 2. Got all the way through them, and then they moved me 10 minutes before IM2 ended, which was... rude. I've already seen it but still. That's so annoying. XD

The funny thing was, the night before surgery I was so anxious I couldn't sleep, so I was on my phone watching and listening to random videos and music. I found my favorite music video of Tony Stark/Iron Man that I hadn't seen in a long time, and it was weird for me to click on it because lately I haven't been writing him and I felt a bit detached from the character. So I thought it was funny that I randomly watched that the night before, and then I'm in the hospital watching Iron Man movies on their TV, haha. Needless to say, my muse for Tony is now through the roof, so... that's going to be a thing for a while.

Weirdly enough, watching Tony going through all the medical stuff with his reactor, and watching him battle his own anxiety and neuroticism, was strangely comforting to me sitting hours on end in a hospital awaiting surgery having one panic attack after another. I know, it makes no sense, you'd really think it'd make me more nervous, or that it would exacerbate my anxiety, but you'd be wrong. Neurodivergence ftw, heh. XD

Anyway, I'm home, I'm hurting, but I'm okay. And actually, despite everything going wrong, my actual surgery apparently went "perfect textbook" well. So that's the most important thing. I may be lurking for a couple days unless I get better sleep and my pain gets to a level where I can do more with my brain than just sit here and think.... ow. XD I'll see how I feel in the next few days and if I need to extend my hiatus from my regular rp schedule further, I'll let everyone know.

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ #tw: surgery #tw: medical #tw: cancer

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tarnishedxknight · 1 month

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{out of dalmasca} Friendly reminder that I am willing to have threads with more than one muse. You want a thread with Basch and Ashe, or Drace and Noah? Or any combination thereof? Go ahead and request/start one! They don't exist in bubbles, and many people's muses have various relationships with more than one, so feel free!

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ #{i know i've already got some threads with more than one muse in them}#{but i thought it bore mentioning}

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tarnishedxknight · 1 month

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{out of dalmasca} Alright, folks... it's getting hard to brain through the anxiety, so I think I'm going to realize my limits and just stress-play some Minecraft for a while. I don't think I'll be on here on Friday, so I'll be back sometime over the weekend most likely. Wish me luck, heh, and hopefully my first experience with surgery goes smoothly. 🙂👍

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ #tw: surgery

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tarnishedxknight · 11 days

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{out of dalmasca} Not me thinking of adding not one, but two OCs to this blog. One I've had for a few years but have never rped on this site, and the other I just got the idea for to sort of help the other along, but they could also be their own standalone muse.

Do not encourage me... but also encourage me. XD

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ #{i do not need more muses but i've been sitting on one for a while}#{and the other just showed up today and was like yes hello i would like to join}

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tarnishedxknight · 5 months

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{out of dalmasca} What does everyone think about me maybe changing this blog to a limited multimuse? By which I mean, I pretty much write Basch, Ashelia, and Noah all equally here now, so it seems a little off to have the blog named for Basch and make it seem like it's only him but then write for other muses often too. I really love the url for this blog and didn't want to change it, but the more I think about it, the more I think making it a multimuse would be more representative of what I do on this blog. Maybe I could change the url to something like "tarnishedxsouls." I'd have to think about it. And then I'd change the blog header and my pinned post to reflect that I write all three muses equally. Or do you think that, because I still would only write Ashe and Basch with limited folks, I should leave the blog as Basch's with a side order of Ashe and Noah? I've been flip-flopping on this idea for a while so I figured I'd ask everyone's opinion.

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ #{i do so love the blog being basch's and then just... adding ashe and noah}#{but i feel like i write them enough that this isn't really only basch's blog}#{argh I can't decide send help and chocolate lol}

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tarnishedxknight · 3 months

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@halmarut, in reference to this post.

{out of dalmasca} You sure can! I've taken some pics below. Feel free to use them however you like! =)

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ #final fantasy xii #ffxii

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tarnishedxknight · 3 months

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{out of dalmasca} I am feeling better today, still not 100%, but much better than I was. Let's hope it stays that way and I can get some writing done today. Also a new muse will be headed everyone's way here in just a bit... o_O I had to get up super early this morning (just my luck) so I've been writing up an "About" file, hehe...

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ #{i got about two hours of sleep}#{i can smell colors and hear textures at this point but i'm here heh}#{i'll probably take a nap later and then be back on tonight if my health behaves itself}

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tarnishedxknight · 3 hours

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{out of dalmasca} I don't like to comment in the tags too much just in case the gifmakers don't like it, but... this gifset for me is how Noah is when doing field work with the Avengers in his MCU verse. And this one is definitely Basch when he's very drunk. XD

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ

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tarnishedxknight · 23 hours

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{out of dalmasca} Aaaand, I'm falling asleep, guys. Well, in between sneezing. I hate seasonal allergies sooo muuuch. But I got done all of the headcanon, music, and starter posts I wanted to do for now, so tomorrow I will dive right into thread and ask replies. I want to do some now, but looking at the ones I really want to get to, most require brain power I just don't have right now, haha. But assuming I won't have too much work to do tomorrow night, I'll start with replies right off the bat so I'm sure to get some done. For now, I need to do the sleeps. All of them. All the sleeps. XD

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ

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tarnishedxknight · 24 hours

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Muse Playlists (MCU Verse)

{out of dalmasca} Expanding this headcanon post, here are some of the songs off of my muse's playlists in their MCU verses. These aren't my own "theme songs" for them, they're songs that they would have added to their playlists because they like them, they made them feel a certain way, they reminded them of someone, or the lyrics spoke to them in some way. Most of these refer only for canon characters, unless it could apply to any of a muse's ships. Assume that this is before or separate from ships with modern muses, since I'm just going with the basic core muses when they first arrive in modern times. If it does refer to ships with modern muses, I'll mention that.

BASCH

"Savin' Me" by Nickelback (This song reminds him of being in Nalbina Dungeon and thinking of Ashe, not being able to get to her, and feeling like he failed her, but hoping she could someday see the good in him and help him to redeem himself.)

"All Of This Past" by Sam Bettens (This song makes him reflect on the new life he has now, but also his emotional ties to the past. It helps him to live with the emotions that come with not being able to let go of who and what he's lost, and then continue to try to move on.)

"Hero" by Nickelback (Basch uses this song to bolster himself when he feels like he isn't doing enough or that he isn't good enough. Ironically, he does so because he doesn't see himself as a hero at all, and he identifies with the person singing, who is basically like... I'm not a hero but this is what I have to offer. Basch feels the same way.)

"Do What You Have To Do" by Sarah McLachlan (This reminds him of his unrequited love for Ashelia and how he feels restricted by their code/culture, but also of his duty to her and his genuine admiration/care of her as far as enabling her to achieve her own goals. And yet he knows that now all of that is going to change now that he's in modern times, and he has to learn how to let her go.)

"Fly Farther" by Jars of Clay (This is relationship goals for Basch. This is exactly the kind of fairytale love and devotion he wants but doesn't think he can ever have. The song makes him sad but also he thinks it's beautiful.)

"Let Her Go" by Passenger feat. Ed Sheeran (This is another song that reminds him of his unrequited love for Ashelia.)

"Broken Pieces" by Andy Black (This song reminds Basch of his own personal philosophy in life, that the world is cruel and life is hard, but there's always a reason to love and hope.)

"Dust Bowl Dance" by Mumford & Sons (This song takes Basch back to Landis, to losing everything, and to Noah's anger. The angrier parts of the song make him think of his brother's anger towards him, and the guiltier parts, himself. It makes him nostalgic, but in a sad way, because he knows he lost very important things at 16, including his brother, and he knows it was partially his fault. He didn't destroy Landis, but he helped to sour Noah to the world, and that's a heavy burden of guilt for Basch to bear.)

ASHELIA

"Fear" by Sarah McLachlan (This makes Ashe think about her place in the world now, because everything she knew is gone, and all the context of what she thought made her important as a person is also gone. It's a new beginning, and that has a lot of promise, but it's also frightening for her. She's afraid she doesn't have enough to give this new world. It would be so easy to give up, but she's not going to. This song makes her sad, but it also helps to feel like she's not alone in her thoughts.)

"Walking on Air" by Kerli (Ashe likes this chick Kerli, haha. Like, she likes her style a lot. But beyond that, this is a motivational song for her. She can do anything she sets her mind to, overcome anything, if she just believes in herself. Also, the metaphor in the video at the end of being a "puppet" and losing freedom is one that is not lost on her. She's felt very much controlled and directed her whole life and would like to break out of that, to be free.)

"Carousel" Melanie Martinez (This song for Ashe is all about confusion in love. Her feelings for Basch, or for any other muses she ends up being shipped with, are ones she wrestles with at first. She's been told they're wrong or been made to feel that they're inappropriate, and that has left her with no idea of how to go about love, heh. Like... how do you even confess to someone, or court them, or... anything? XD She wants what she wants but also still feels inclined to adhere to her culture and what she's been taught. This song speaks to that battle between uncertainty and desire within her.)

"Rabbit Heart" by Florence + The Machine (This is another motivational song for Ashe. She feels lost in this new time period, she's exhausted and confused, but she has to... well, put on her big-girl pants, heh, and not fold in on herself. She has to become stronger for this experience, not weaker.)

"Giving In To The Love" by Aurora (Ashelia absolutely adores this song. It makes her smile, it makes her laugh, it makes her want to just get up and dance to it. The lyrics really speak to her, like, "I'm tired of the rules and your corrections, I want to live my life, be all of its pages, and underline that I am not an angel," and particularly, "'Cause if I'm not pure, I guess that I'm too much," combined with Aurora's little cheeky smile. Feeling like almost a commodity to be married off has been something Ashe really struggled with in Dalmasca, so seeing someone so triumphantly tossing aside that notion really makes her happy. And the chorus, "If I'll be somebody, I'll never let my skin decide it for me," is big with Ashe, because being of Dynast blood with pale skin, hair, and stone gray eyes has defined her in the eyes of others from birth. While she is proud of her history and heritage, she doesn't want those things to be what people judge her on or for them to be all people see when they look at her. Also, the theme of "giving into the love," becomes especially important to her after her ship with @starcchild's Carter, or in their polycule with Basch.)

"Your Blood" by Aurora (This is another song that makes Ashe contemplate her "blood," what is means, how much it really impacts her life, and who she is outside of being a princess, a Dynast King descendant, and a royal, because none of that matters now that she's in modern times. She uses this song to meditate on who she wants to be now.)

"Who Am I Living For?" by Katy Perry (This song reminds her of her old mindest and where her mind was at during the war in Ivalice. It's nostalgic, but sad, because none of that matters anymore. But she's having trouble leaving it behind, so sometimes she needs to just let her mind wander back there and wonder what might have happened and what could have been.)

"Field of Innocence" by Evanescence (This song makes her cry, but it's cathartic, and sometimes she just needs to. Sometimes this song for her is about her loss of innocence with what happened with Vossler, sometimes it's about being a happy child and then growing up amidst death and war, and sometimes it's just her wanting to go back to a simpler time and a happier, more oblivious existence because she feels overwhelmed.)

(Also, side note, she has watched this clip of an angry desert rain frog a hundred times, she will show it to whomever is willing to watch it, and when she watches it, she giggles like an idiot. It makes her happy for some reason and it's absolutely saved somewhere so she can watch it whenever she feels sad.)

NOAH

"Ashes" by Claire Guerreso (Whenever his grief gets to be too much, Noah uses this song to help him cry and to remember Drace, before she too was yeeted to modern times. But the lyrics really hit to the heart of what she was to him... his north star, his compass, and he lost his way when he lost her.)

"5173" by Kevin Hastings (This is good training and motivational song for Noah that gets the blood pumping, but it also reminds him of his anger at Vayne and Basch, and how things went down back in Ivalice, which in his mind is still very much unresolved. He never got closure to any of that, and he can't let it go, but he has to find a way to move on regardless.)

"Forty-Six & 2" by Tool (This is another motivational song for him, about shedding skin and stepping through from shadow. It's about metamorphosis, and Noah knows he has to change and adapt if he's going to survive in this new world.)

"Forty-Six & 2" by Tool (O'Keefe Music Foundation Cover) (The same song as the last one, but... yes he'd have this version of it on his playlist too, heh. He's very impressed by these kids and thinks they did a wonderful job with this. He hopes they're living their best lives.)

"Far Behind" by Candlebox (This is a song he listens to when he's thinking about Basch. He feels badly for what he's done to him, but he also can't let go of the past and what Basch did to him either. Sometimes he listens to this song when he's feeling really angry, but just as often he'll just listen to it and cry because deep down, he misses Basch and wishes things could have been different. He's just not willing to ever express that to anyone, though.)

"My Little Box" by John Frizzell (Strangely enough, sometimes Noah just needs to sit and be angry or cry about Amoretta. What she did to him, how she treated him, how he made her feel... and what ultimately happened to her. He bottles a lot of it up most often, so every now and then he needs to get it all out, and this song helps him do that. "My little box was perfect, before you destroyed it all" is a line that particularly speaks to him. Ironically, the little box, a metaphor for the safety of his own mind, becomes the weapon he used against her in the end when he unleashed his rage upon her. That's what he thinks about when he hears the lyrics, "Feeling claustrophobic, now my world is closing in. Subtle retribution... Where I am, and where I've been. I'll take you to a place you never knew could be. Curled up... in my little box." Also, the "cradle falls, unholy walls" metaphor for loss of innocence and terrible things done behind closed doors was not lost on him.)

"Break In" by Lizzy Hale of Halestorm feat. Amy Lee of Evanescence (This is a shipping song for Noah, like... Whether it's with Drace, @mxrvelouscreations's Leah, or @illbringthechaosmagic's Wanda, this is what it's like to be in a relationship with Noah. He's so closed off, but if he loves and trusts you, he wants you to break in. And if you do, he'd be forever loyal to you for it. Like, he has such respect for those who even can love him, and he's grateful to those who treat him well, because not many have in his life. He listens to this song when he's feeling happy about whatever relationship he's in at the time. ~Also these two ladies are badass and I love them so much. I have a couple of funny/cool anecdotes about this duet/song if anyone wants to hear them, lol, I just didn't wanna blab about it here.)

"In My Arms" by Plumb (Like that other song up there for Drace, Noah listens to this song when he needs to grieve for and cry about Larsa. He's just gotta get it out sometimes, or it builds up and really messes with him in terrible ways. He'll literally just sit in his private quarters, get very drunk, and sob about his son while listening to this song.)

"Wish That You Were Here" by Florence + The Machine (This is another grieving song for both Drace and Larsa, particularly remembering them, being afraid of losing those memories, and of forgetting what they look like. And just the fact that even the good memories are painful for him now. This song makes him just break down. Getting drunk usually follows. )

"I Don't Care" by Apocalyptica feat. Adam Gontier of Three Days Grace (This song for Noah is about how frustrated he is with Basch and how angry he wants to remain at him. He listens to this when he's trying to emotionally distance himself from Basch because, deep down, he's afraid of getting hurt if he forgives him or gets closer to him.)

DRACE

"Again" by Flyleaf (The lyrics of this song represent for her how she feels about Noah. The line, "You're so close to me that you nearly died," takes on new meaning for her once she learns of her fate in Noah's timeline.)

"Frozen" by Madonna (This for her is a bit of an unrequited love song. Not that Noah doesn't love her, but she feels like... he lets his anger and other things really get in the way of what could be an even better relationship than it is now. Even though she knows Noah cares about her, she always feels like he keeps her at arm's length, and like she has to beg for his affection and attention... which she then doesn't do because she doesn't want to pressure him. But deep down, it's frustrating and upsetting for her. This song speaks to those emotions for her.)

"Live To Tell" by Madonna (This song... really spoke to Drace after she learned about her fate back home, about what Vayne did and how he used Larsa to lure her, and her to really hurt Noah. It wasn't like she was innocent or ignorant to the den of vipers she was in in Archadia, but she didn't quite ever think Vayne would go that far, and she was dead wrong. Literally. That knowledge has changed her forever, and she won't be so foolish or easily provoked in the future. At the same time, she doesn't want to just... give up a life of being a public servant now that she's in this time. She just couldn't do that, it's too much a part of her. So that's what keeps her going.)

"Fragile" by Kerli (This song hits hard for Drace. What people see of her is not really how she is on the inside. She's a lot softer and easily hurt than she lets on. She puts forth a strong and almost regal front, and she definitely is a strong person, but that's only a part of who she is. She has feelings that can be hurt too, and people don't often see that. They think she's cold or aloof or apathetic, but she actually feels everything intensely, she just doesn't express it. But this judgement of her character happened in Archadia and now it's happening again with the Avengers, and it does hurt her feelings. Not that she'd ever show it.)

"Sound of Silence" by Simon & Garfunkel (Disturbed Cover) (Okay first of all, Drace just thinks this song is intense in all the right ways. She just likes it. But it also speaks to her as someone who used to be in a position of power over the masses, and who saw firsthand how everyday people go about their lives rather obliviously and often will place their faith in false or unreliable things. What struck her about this song is that, in listening to someone of this time period singing about these sorts of things, she realizes that not much has changed with regard to human nature between Ivalice and now.)

"Don't Give In" by Snow Patrol (This is a motivational and/or training song for Drace. It reminds her not to get bogged down in sadness at losing her former life and to keep going, to find new meaning in her new life. She was made to be a public servant and protector, it's part of her identity, and she knows she needs to rely on that and be true to herself. The line, "Don't fall in love with the way things were. It'll fuck up your mind," really hits hard for her.)

"Give Unto Me" by Evanescence (This song, like the other one up there, is a song about Drace wishing she could be/mean more to Noah, mostly because she loves him so much there isn't much she wouldn't do for him. Sometimes she can see that he's hurting but she doesn't want to force the issue of him letting her in. Waiting for him to always come to her, however, makes her sad when he chooses to simply shoulder things alone. Whereas the other song was more about expressing frustration for her, this one is about expressing sadness over the situation.)

"Hope" by Apocalyptica (Drace just thinks this song is totally badass, haha. It's a great training song and really gets her in the mood to do so.)

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ #{ muse music }#tw: alcohol abuse #tw: death #tw: grief

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tarnishedxknight · 1 day

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{out of dalmasca} Ngl... after the student emails died off around the afternoon, I crashed hard and slept for like 5 hours in the middle of the day, lol, before more emails rolled in. And believe it or not, I'm still tired, pfffff. But I'm here for a couple hours to get as much done as I can because I swear I'm gonna bust if I don't do something creative. XD I do have to get up early tomorrow, but I can spare a couple hours before bed.

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ

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tarnishedxknight · 2 days

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Headcanons: Covering Up As a Coping Mechanism For Noah/Gabranth

{out of dalmasca} This gifset made me think of a set of headcanons I have for Noah regarding him using things like clothing and armor as a way to shield himself from the outside world. You might be thinking... well, yeah, that's kindof what armor does, heh. In this case, I don't mean physical shielding, though. Noah uses covering himself up as an emotional coping mechanism to make him feel safer. Since I was inspired by the gifset, I figured I'd take this opportunity to write down all my headcanons on the subject.

As a youth, Noah was often called out for not smiling enough, or for always looking sombre or angry. For pouting too much. For being sullen. His father was mean about it, his mother nagged him about it, and the few friends he had teased him about it. This was in stark contrast to Basch, who always seemed to be happy and smiling (yes, he smiled a lot more when he was younger). This gave Noah a very exposed feeling early on in his life. He felt like he was always being watched and judged.

After the fall of Landis, Noah moved to Old Archades with his mother and had to do some really terrible things to survive and feed them both. His choice to eventually join the Imperial Army was due to four reasons, three of which were deliberate and one was subconscious. The deliberate ones were 1) to learn skills and gain power in order to survive, which was important to him above all, 2) to have steady, legitimate, well-paying, and respectable work instead of what he'd been reduced to, and 3) to become the judge so he'd stop being the judged, which was the reason he didn't stop until he'd reached the rank of Judge Magister.

The subconscious reason was that, from a very young age, his father had instilled in him that martial skill was at the crux of a man's worth. Noah and Basch had swords put in their hands while they were still in single-digit ages. At 14, they both tried to pass initiation into a local knightly order, with only Basch making the cut. By the time Landis was besieged when the twins were 16, they both were far more skilled than most youths their age. So even though Noah hated his father and is glad he's dead, he still unknowingly carries around and believes in some of his father's ideals, namely that being a skilled warrior means you are powerful, respected, and you have worth as a person. So subconsciously, by pushing himself to reach a high military rank, Noah was chasing his own self-worth.

Alright, swinging back around to what I said about him feeling judged and exposed as a youth, now add to it having to resort to shady and illegal tasks and also prostitution to feed himself and his mother at only 16-17. That did nothing to make him feel less exposed or judged, for he literally had to disrobe when he didn't want to, and the illegal things he was doing marked him as a no-good criminal among the locals. His self-worth had gone from bad to worse, and he had nowhere to hide, not even inside his own body and mind.

So he turned to the one thing he understood, that power and skill help one survive and give one value. Survival doesn't just happen, you have to work for it. So he did. And in the course of rising through the ranks, Noah found that wearing armor didn't just protect him physically, it also made him feel safer emotionally. Suddenly, having a barrier between him and the world was like placing a demarcation between him and everyone else. He wasn't exposed anymore. He felt contained, put-together, and safe.

The higher up in rank he rose, he found himself wearing a helm as well as full armor more often than not. As a Judge and then a Judge Magister, he was in armor head to toe for the majority of his day, only removing his helm out of respect for the emperor or other high-ranking officials. This was something that really helped to relax him and make him feel very confident, because now in addition to the emotional comfort of feeling nicely contained in armor, no one could see his facial expressions. It was as if his emotions, thoughts, motivations, etc. were all secrets. This did wonders for his confidence and self-esteem.

Amoretta and Vayne were wrenches in Noah's well-oiled machine of obscuring himself from others. Amoretta always ordered him to remove his helm, even if all they were doing was having a conversation. She knew it made him uncomfortable and took pleasure in seeing him unable to hide behind his armor. Vayne took a page from Amoretta's emotional abuse handbook in much the same manner, preferring that Noah and all Judge Magisters remove their helms in his presence.

Aside from this, however, Noah felt the most at home, the safest, the most confident, and the most in control of himself when he was covered head to toe in armor. It got to the point where he wore it even when he didn't have to, or after hours, only taking it off when he finally retired at night. The only one as far as canon characters with whom he was fully comfortable being entirely without his armor was Drace.

Now... in his MCU verse, Noah doesn't have his armor anymore. In fact, armor is now really thin, it's got no personality to it, and it really doesn't give him the same feeling as his Judge Magister's armor did. So, whenever he doesn't need armor, Noah is most often seen in baggy clothes that well... obscure his body. It gets him a little bit closer to not be in form fitting things all the time, and... hoodies are a must. It could be the dead of summer and hot as hell, and Noah will still be out in a hoodie with the hood up because he feels safer that way.

It might seem strange to think that something as simple as putting a hood on over his head can make him feel safer, but it's not a physical thing, it's a mental thing. It's like fidget spinners for people with anxiety, or pulling your hands inside your sleeves, or people with autism or severe anxiety feeling like they can think more clearly and being more relaxed if they have another person with them as opposed to being alone in a public place. It's all about either occupying or reducing stresses and anxieties, which then lets you simply be a human instead of being at the mercy of invasive or obsessive thoughts that anxiety produces. Just by feeling that his head is covered, even if he can't cover his face, already gives Noah a sense of containment and of being less exposed, which reduces his anxiety.

Now, he will train without armor and even without a shirt on if he thinks he's alone and if there is little chance of anyone else happening upon him. So in the privacy of his own quarters, or the training gym at 3am when no one else is supposed to even be awake, he'll do that because... it's too damn hot to wear all that body armor crap that doesn't properly breathe. Even his Judge Magister's armor had breaks in it that let air vent, heh. He hates all this UnderArmour®-style Kevlar and carbon fiber nonsense that's like some kind of nasty second skin. He sweats way too much in that and it drives him crazy.

If your muse does happen to catch Noah training when he doesn't expect to be found, they will see him at his most anxious, and possibly angriest. Noah uses anger to cover up fear and anxiety, so you're going to get a nasty grump if you happen upon him and he's not covered up to his liking. Just FYI. Conversely, if he's wearing a hoodie with the hood up for seemingly no damn good reason, he's probably feeling anxious about something and he's trying to calm himself down. Subconsciously, of course. Noah doesn't actually realize he has this coping mechanism because it's something he's had for years that's very ingrained in his behavior and psychology.

Alright, I think I've blabbed enough about this. But as always, feel free to comment or to use this information in an ask or starter. Headcanons were made to be used, people. =)

#{ out of dalmasca } ᵒᵒᶜ #alt muse: noah #{ headcanons }#tw: anxiety #tw: prostitution

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