#(let's all blatantly ignore middle school Juliann and end-of-undergrad Juliann hmm

[marvelingjules]

So today, my mom and I we’re running errands and talking about family stuff, as you do. Nephew is picking up a second job, which led to discussion about his choice not to pursue an education post HS (which is a valid choice; higher education isn’t for everyone!), which led to talking about Little Sis and how now that she’s figured out what she wants to do she’s very determined to not just finish her classes even when they are hard but to do well in them, which is great!

But then it led to this exchange, and further proof my mom is either willfully ignorant or I just - somehow managed to be way more covert about my anxiety and regular mental breakdowns from 8th grade onward (so... since I was 13, which means about 15 years now lmao).

My mom goes basically “and it’s just so impressive of her because she’s doing all this while fighting depression and anxiety! Can you imagine how hard that must make everything? I mean it’s stressful enough when you’re normal, but managing to do what she’s doing and do it well with all that too!”

Me, literally taking a moment to look out my car window like I am on The Office because omfg this again, saying absolutely nothing.

Like. Ha. Haha. Yes. Imagine being depressed and still making yourself go to school and do your homework and be somewhere that makes you hate yourself more. Imagine having so much anxiety about people and life and Being Perfect that you regularly actually lose the ability to feel anything at all!!! IMAGINE THINKING THAT HAVING REGULAR EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWNS COMPLETE WITH HOURS LONG PANICKED CRYING AND BEING UTTERLY CONVINCED YOU ARE A FRAUD AND AWFUL HUMAN BEING IS JUST NORMAL! AND THEN PUSHING YOURSELF HARDER BECAUSE OF IT!!! AND HIDING IT ALL BECAUSE YOUR FAMILY IS DEALING WITH ENOUGH STUFF, AND LITERALLY TELLING ANOTHER PERSON CONCERNED FOR YOU THAT “I’m not allowed to be depressed, my family/mom can’t take that so I can’t be!”

Haha. Yeah. Can’t at all imagine that, Mom.

Can’t imagine how it feels to constantly feel like you’re a goddamn imposter among all these smart people who are gonna figure you out at any second. Can’t imagine having regular anxiety attacks over everything. Can’t imagine the weight of everything pressing in, the fear of failing to be Perfect As Expected, so much that you regress back to the worst you have every been where you thought seriously about how good it would feel to hurt yourself. Oh yeah. I would have NO idea about that, would I?

Because I was your “easy child” that you constantly THANK ME FOR BEING. Because I “never struggled as much/like Little Sis did/does”. Because I don’t have to take meds to function through every day, because my anxiety without them runs so bad that I can’t sleep, can’t stop shaking, can’t stop thinking of how everyone secretly hates me and I am a fraud about to be found out at any moment.

Because I’m apparently the kid you “didn’t have to worry about” probably because I always had to hear all your worries and upsets and didn’t want to add to them. Because unlike with Little Sis, no one ever forced you to see the issues with me (no one seemed to ever notice and that only ever made me feel MORE invisible) and so unlike with Little Sis you never had to acknowledge them. Unlike her, I went through all of it, alone. Unlike her I had to learn about it all by myself, figure out how to manage it by myself, bring myself to demand help from my doctors for it on my own.

Yeah. Please. Tell me more about how I can’t possibly imagine or understand how rough a time my sister has had with higher education and how I had it so much easier.

#Jules rambles #DO NOT REBLOG #I'M OKAY DON'T WORRY GUYS I SWEAR I ACTUALLY AM TOTALLY FINE RIGHT NOW APPARENTLY JUST NEEDED TO VENT? #anxiety sucks #haha yes I have no idea at alllll what depression is like you are correct mom no idea mhmm #(let's all blatantly ignore middle school Juliann and end-of-undergrad Juliann hmm? That apparently doesn't count) #Me trying to hint to my mom about my anxiety and my mom completely missing the point to tell me how much worse Little Sis has had it in life #is something I stopped participating in a loooong time ago #ah yes here we are again at me wondering why the hell my mom missed all the shit that went down with me #(After talking with my Older Sis about things a few months ago I believe it's because other people MADE my mom notice with Little Sis. #and my mom still hates them for it I think. Blames them in some way for it. Makes them the villains.) #ANYWAY I MAYBE GET A LITTLE BIT BLUNT ABOUT THE BAD-THOUGHTS I HAD SO I MEAN BE CAREFUL> #Y'all know your shit just if talk of bad depression and anxiety sets you off don't go through that read more #I usually Will Not Elaborate About Middle School #the one time I tried talking about it with Little Sis I was told 'You don't understand' so I don't talk about it with anyone! :D #I could get even MORE elaborate about exactly how those thoughts went in my head that set me to fearful panicked crying in middle school #but I will not because no thanks #sometimes I imagine telling my mom all of this - about all the shit she MISSED with me over the years - but I never will #because I know it'd hurt her so so fucking much and I don't actually want her hurting #it'd be nice if she stopped COMPARING ME TO LITTLE SIS THOUGH. Always in the way that I have it easier (and so less to complain about or w/e #I'm okay just apparently had to vent all of this #I swear I was just gonna be like 'lmao my mom is so oblivious' and then well... this all came out