#(that's why I added a caveat asking if your character could be considered a legitimate researcher by various traditional evaluations :3)

[caepaecaesurae]

> Kankri : Use Small Words

CC: There was going to be tea at this conversation, and Caesurae knew that Kankri found some measure of calmness in the rituals of making and preparing it.  At least he was fairly sure.  ... He watched impotently from the door of the kitchen, fidgeting with his hands.

ML: Kankri calmly heated his water for the pot and arranged his tray with sugar and precious cream and two cups. He went through his motions at an even pace, pouring the water into its pot to steep. A single type of tea for this meeting rather than the sort of tastings he did for recreation.

When all was done he took the tray and carried it, pausing to reassuringly nudge and nuzzle the very tall sea dweller, and set it down on the table, settling himself to sit.

CC: Caesurae hesitated, glancing between the seat at Kankri's side and the one opposite him.  Fins shifted, he poked one index finger with the other, and decided to sit next to his moirail. ML: What a terribly good choice. Kankri rewarded him by gently patting his leg. "You aren't in trouble, Cronus." He told him gently. CC: His shoulders dropped almost immediately with relief.  ...Followed by a flush, as he realised how transparent -- and emotional -- he was being.  After a moment he tried to play it off with a soft laugh, rubbing the back of his neck.  "..Thanks.  Sorry."

"...So...  I hear I'm wvrong?" ML: "-Why did you think I would be angry with you?" He looked up at him, studying his face. It would be easier to watch his face if he were across from him, but harder to offer physical comfort, it was a compromise.

"I'm afraid you are, although I applaud you for considering peaceful resistance." CC: "Not .. Angry, exactly.  Sparks and Nadaya seemed to havwe an amount of concerned upset,"  He rubbed behind his fin with a shrug, looking back at Kankri.  ..He did blush slightly at the comment about peaceful resistance. ML: "I saw that." He murmured. "They appear to be very worried about you, why do you think that is?" CC: "Because they don't wvant to think about me getting attacked."  He shrugged. ML: "Is that all?" He prompted gently. CC: "Probably?"  He glanced at Kankri uncertainly. ML: "Why did they say they were upset?" It had been long enough, he quietly poured some of the tea into their cups and stirred them then added cream and offered Caesurae his. CC: He accepted the cup, and wrapped his hands around it.  "... Because they wvere wvorried about me and wvanted me to fight back." ML: He picked his own cup up and blew at it sipping. "Low bloods are often told that it is their fault when they're attacked, they weren't submissive enough, or pleasing enough." CC: "... I don't havwe to deservwe it for passivwe resistance to be the right option." ML: "Why is that?" CC: "Being aggressivwe wvill get me seen as an Alternian Highblood.  Not my aesthetic.  ...Not necessarily a safe aesthetic, depending on wvho you listen to."  He brought the tea up to blow on, then let the cup down again. ML: "Are you afraid of the things that Arlequin fears?" He asked curiously. CC: He sighed, softly, quiet a few moments longer.  "... I don't think it wvould happen spontaneously.  I don't think there wvould be no cause.  No wvarning.  I think I wvould havwe to in some wvay 'provwe' myself, evwen fallaciously, to be the highblood they wvant to mistrust and fear.  ..but I am not....good, at noticing wvhat wvill and wvill not anger others, in general." CC: Read as : Kinda, but with enough caveats to choke a horse and render the opinion safely neutral. ML: "Do you know when you're nervous you throw the word 'chief' out more often?" He sipped his tea thoughtfully. "So you believe they will turn on you for being a highblood for doing something you didnt realize was wrong." CC: His fins pinned back, and he hesitated, fidgeting slightly in place.   ...  A sigh, and his shoulders dropped again, and Cronus nodded.  "...I'd...noticed, aye."

"..It's a concern, aye." ML: "I cannot imagine that the way they handled  Vriska soothed those fears at all." CC: ...A soft sigh.  "..Not...entirely." CC: ".. They are permitted their anger.  I should not risk mine." ML: "You are allowed to be angry, Caesurae. It's a matter of managing what you do with it- and in that particular case I cannot say whether they were in the right." CC: He tisked softly.  "Choosing not to showv it is one wvay to manage it." ML: "It is, but never showing frustration and emotion comes across as calculated, or submissive. The first will gain you suspiscion, the second causes people to worry. You are a proud and bold warrior of a people who value strength of character and loud opinions, when you espouse these things it makes you seem .. hurt. So hurt that you must rely on pity rather than your own strength." CC: He made a face, nose wrinkling sourly.  "And wvhen that proud, bold wvarrior happens to be a former slavwer wvho has done wvrong?" CC: "One wvho can point to no evwidence of change aside from 'But I say I'm sorry'?" ML: "Oh? Do you think that is all you have on your side?" His eyebrows arched CC: "Yes!" CC: Kankri finally got the seadweller to raise his voice, briefly.  Good job. ML: He squeezed his leg quietly. "It has been two sweeps, Cronus. You fought beside them, you helped bring an end to Her, you quadranted Me. You have been helping me to build things here that we never thought possible. You quit drinking and formed ties to the community, strong ones. I know that two sweeps is not long for a sea dweller, but for those of us who are warmer its actually a significant amount of time." CC: "...I wvill alwvays be a highblood, dear.  I do not think my loyalty is in question, only my wvorth." ML: "Your worth?" He questioned. CC: ".... Justice," he decided.  It wasn't the right word.  "Evwery situation is different, evwery upset unique, and I wvill nevwer knowv wvhat wvill cause the next or it wvould be avwoided.  Is my error strong enough This time?  The next?  The next?" ML: He sat his cup down and reached a hand up, caressing his cheek gently. "I will not allow it." CC: Caesurae sighed, and leaned his cheek into the touch.  "...and that wvill be a lovwely solution -- /After/ any immediate conflict has passed.  I wvill not alwvays havwe the time to call you, if I am accosted." CC: "..Passivwity is a short term solution, until longer civwil ones can be found." ML: "Cronus, if you defend yourself I will be at your side in the afterward, I will not allow them to crucify you over it. If you trust no one else with this, trust me. And yes, even against my brother." CC: "...I wvould lose more, in such a defense, than .."  He'd lose more body parts if he Didn't defend himself.  He trailed off, hesitating. ML: "I know you believe you deserve whatever comes but I do not believe that, and shall continue to not believe that." CC: ".. I don't knowv [i]wvhat[/i] I deservwe." ML: "You deserve to be happy and healthy, you are entitled to be angry and sad, as well. What you are not entitled to is lashing out physically out of anger, and other such things." CC: "But you wvant me to lash out in a fight," he observed tartly. ML: "I want you to defend yourself when you're attacked." He raised his eyebrows. "That is entirely a different matter." CC: Caesurae visibly bit back a tart response, looking back at Kankri, then forced himself to sigh and leaned against the warmer troll visibly.  ... He sipped at the tea. CC: "..It's Going to be misunderstood," he warned reluctantly, not meeting Kankri's eyes. ML: "By whom?" He murmured. "Angry trolls will always take any excuse they can, Cronus. And even no excuse. .." A soft frown and then he asked gently. "..Do you any longer have faith in authority, love?" Since his execution.. CC: The executed Orphaner Cronus Ampora scoffed softly, glancing aside.  ..sip. CC: Sounds Like A No. ML: "Ah" He murmured softly. ML: "I, for one, would not like to be the troll who had severely harmed one of the Artifex's friends." CC: He sighed, softly.  "..He has many friends, and it's the other ones on that list I'm wvorried about.  I do not fear strangers, Kankri." ML: "You do not believe he will side with you if a conflict arises?" CC: "It depends on the conflict!" CC: "He wvas allowved to kill her because He thought it wvas wvrong and no one could muster the wvill to stop him, their friendships stronger than their desire to intervwene.  WVhat about the next time someone wvants to strike, and no one is wvilling to swvay them?" CC: "WVhat about the next time I look terribly suspicious, or Talk wvrong, or some /legitimate/ grievwance rises?" ML: "..Dearest." his tone was gentle. "Take a deep breath. This sounds like you're panicking and failing to take into account the severity of what she had done. Not every action one takes, even actions one disagrees with is going to bring forth the same reaction." CC: Caesurae's fins pinned, and he looked at Kankri in what was suspiciously close to anguish, but he forced his chin to drop and tried to regather his wits.  ...Sulkily, he filled the pause with a sip of tea. CC: "....It takes only once, not evwery time.  I havwe forevwer," he tried in a more reasonable tone. ML: "Its sheer anxiety." He told him firmly. "You do not sit over a percipice where one wrong step will send you falling. No one is waiting for you to make a single misstep in your balancing act." ML: "..We are not Arlequin to suddenly kill you because you spoke too sharply once." CC: Cronus winced, visibly, his fins pinning again.  ... He sulkily stirred his tea. ML: A warm hand gently reached up to stroke one of the pinned fins. CC: He shifted uncomfortably, reaching up to rub his own bicep, not looking back at Kankri yet. CC: "...you say that," he said softly. ML: "..I who lost my life through toture, because I said that trolls could live peacefully and equal, say that here, in this time and place, the boy who follows my teachings, is not going to exile you to the bubble realm because of a misunderstanding." CC: Cronus ..tried to ease an arm around Kankri, to hug him like a teddy bear and grumble indistinct little sounds into his hair. ML: It was a good thing he had already set his tea down. He eased his arms back around the sea dweller. He was here. CC: "..if you're wvrong, I am going to givwe you /such/ a look," he murmered. ML: "I shall deserve it." He nuzzled into him. After all he did have a terrible track record with staying alive- no, no none of that. CC: A gentle nuzzle back. CC: "... I do not knowv howv to showv anger wvithout being ...  like my alternates, or my past," he offered in a soft voice, finally. ML: He pressed a gentle kiss to him. "Perhaps that is something we should work on- learning to safely express anger. You do see the things your alternates do that are wrong?" CC: "Too often." ML: "What sort of things do they do that you are afraid you will do?" CC: "I do not havwe the wvords.  I just don't wvant to be them, and I don't entirely wvant to risk wvhat I havwe.  ..but its...starting not to wvork ..." CC: "It wvorked fine for a wvhile, wvhat changed?" ML: "I don't believe theres anything in particular you did that was wrong. Psi.. Well. He does seem to be stirring things up in many ways. It is simply the advent of talking to more and more varied people, who do not know you." He nuzzled his head against him. "Yelling is quite alright, but try to keep what you say logical, rather than simply lashing out, I believe is part of the key." CC: "But the single highest complaint I havwe heard is that I am not showving emotion -- I stay rational, and that is wvrong!" ML: "..Try varying your text" He suggested. ML: "Capslock, italics, bolding." CC: ..skeptical glance. ML: "They lend different 'tones' to your words, emphasis and capslock in particular brings to mind a troll who is yelling." CC: Caesurae glanced aside, uncomfortably. ML: "..Perhaps as well not couching things in so many caviats" ML: His jaw received kisses. CC: "I do not enjoy yelling.  Nor directness." ML: "Why is that?" CC: "WVhy do you Think?" ML: "What I think is pure speculation, I am asking you directly." CC: "I havwe literally been executed for crudity and directness, and that or stating an opinion tends to directly precede most attempts on my life." CC: "It is discomforting, I try not to." CC: "It does not come naturally to be open about these things." ML: "I believe that may be something we need to work on." He frowned. "That is a very unfortunate correlation you've drawn." CC: Caesurae grunted dubiously, leaning against Kankri and resisting the urge to mutter.  "...I seek commonalities.  I do not enjoy dismissing others, regardless their sins.  This, somehowv, is 'ass-kissing' and 'manipulation'." CC: "I avwoid anger in conflict for the comfort of myself and others, and this is wvrong.  Not speaking is wvrong.  The wvay all of my alternates express their anger -- and the wvay I wvould be prone to if I did -- is most assuredly Also wvrong." CC: "There is Nothing... Left." ML: He took in a long breath and let it out slowly. He leaned back and kissed him quietly. "Partially it isn't anger with you so much as anger with those you speak with, I think. There are some very uncompromising souls amoung us. The fact that  you speak politely and gently to them and present things in the best light you can will seem like manipulation to many and .. you do manipulate people love, even if from long habit." CC: The next sigh was softer.  "..I knowv," he admitted. ML: "There was a time I was highly critisized for speaking like a highblood does." He murmured. "And there are often those in disbelief that anyone would be so kind, seeking for motives as to why I put them at ease." CC: "..There's no wvinning." ML: "It is a product of Alternia, where every hand is turned against the others, and the people who lived there cannot trust, because they have been taught that trust will get them hurt and killed. If you speak plainly, but politely you will get further, its the hedging about which makes them uneasey, although it makes you a fantastic diplomat." CC: "Irony itself, that diplomacy makes standard speech more difficult.  ...The hedging seems more honest to me." CC: "...Plainly wvould be shorter sentences?  WVith less detail?" ML: "Yes love." ML: "Fewer caviats" CC: Distasteful face. CC: "..I'll.. ..try," he said softly, not fully convinced. CC: After a bit he sighed again, snuggling in more firmly, shoulders lowering.  "..Fewver cavweats, I can try." CC: "..Is the occasional manipulativwe behavwior.. ..offputting?"  Hesitant glance, quirked fins. ML: He hummed quietly, fingers reached up and brushed at a fin then behind it. "It entirely depends on what you are doing." CC: Cronus sighed, easing slightly and leaning into the touch, his eyes hooding.  ".. just.. ..phrasing things inoffensivwely.  ..I don't knowv.  Do I do things that are offputting?  ..WVhat are they?" ML: "I'm not on tumblr very often." He murmured. "..but presenting problematic things in the best light while ignoring the parts which would make people mad is ... not a good habit." CC: He grimaced softly, fin shifting slightly before he elaned back into the touch. ML: "I know it isnt the only thing that you do, but it is the one most likely to be caught." CC: "...and if I ignore the parts that people are angry about, WVithout focusing on any positivwe aspect?" he tried, knowing it wouldn't work. ML: "I'm sorry love, it seems dishonest." CC: He squeezed Kankri gently, nodding reluctantly into his shoulder.  "..Duly noted." ML: "..I am sorry" His voice was soft. "I know you are afraid." CC: This grunt was more dubious, his fins settling stubbornly.  ".. Caution is not fear." CC: "Nor am I facing this problem wvith hesitation." ML: "..Sweetheart." Soft exaspiration and pity. CC: The soft frustrated noise was half grunt and half whine.  Big seadwellers don't afraid of nothing. ML: "You died of an expected conflict because you misread a situation, there is no shame in being afraid of it happening again" CC: "..I am Not Afraid." ML: This was the most dubious face. CC: Cronus bumped his cheek against Kankri scoldingly, then glanced away while squeezing him.  "...anywvay, I lovwe you, and there is Lingering Caution." ML: "For Some Strange Reason." He murmured, a warm squeezable thing in his arms. He should be careful sea dwellers can squeeze a lot tighter than his bones can take. CC: Cronus snorted soft agreement.  ...He was careful, he'd made that mistake before. CC: Some habits were very ...very... hard to forget. ML: "Just remember there is a difference between being direct and being insulting, and you should be fine." He told him. CC: "..and if I'm inherently insulting somehowv?" ML: "I am not certain what you mean?" CC: "..I manage it accidentally often enough," ML: He kissed his shoulder, close to his neck but not on his gills. "How do you mean?" CC: It was so difficult to think of examples or put it into words.  .. Well, there was one.  "... I didn't.. intend, to make it sound as though I 'knewv better' than Mit, right before he attacked me." CC: "...I grumbled a bit and tossed a cigarette butt past Pal, the time he tried to attack me.  Not -- at him, just past him.  ..but he wvas too hair-trigger, and that wvas enough ..." ML: "My dearest love. ..My brother is .." He paused and tried to find some gentle and nice way to put this. "..tempermental. If he was in a mood that night literally anything you said would have set him off. It isn't you. ..As for Pal that was also not your fault, there is literally no way you could have known he was so hair strung that anything could have set him off." CC: "..and these are the trolls from wvhich I must defend myself," he murmered softly.  "Or do you mean to say there is no wvay to avwoid occasionally being attacked?" ML: "I am telling you that it is nothing you have or have not done, they are not well, playing upon pity will not help you." He shook his head. CC: Fins shifted, quietly.  "..I must adapt to the wvorld in wvhich I find myself, fair or otherwvise.  ...If you say so, though." ML: "This is maladaptive." He murmured. "You must find another way, which is why we've been talking about this." ML: He hesitated. "-Psii said that you questioned his judgement, I think? What was it you said?" CC: A slow sigh, and a nod, and he settled again against Kankri.  ..the question made his fins shift uncomfortably.  He didn't like being wrong.  Being wrong and saying stupid things was dangerous and uncomfortable.  "...something about ..."

He hesitated, before forcing himself to continue.  This was Kankri, it would be fine.  Even if his stomach was a little tenser, he could get the words out.  "..I wvas concerned that he could not bring himself to tell me off." CC: "..That he might be... humoring the attempt at friendship solely out of fear of the alternativwe, and unable to say so." CC: "...he took Great offense." CC: "...WVithout Technically contradicting me, although I don't think that fear wvas founded." ML: He persed his lips and spoke carefully, and slowly. "I know that it is very difficult for you, because you are used to making calls you may or may not want to make for the good of others, as a highblood, but if you ever decide that you aren't any good for me for instance, without consulting me, I shall drag you by the ear as fair warning." ML: "..The severity of the reaction was out of bounds but I do understand the reaction." ML: "..Do you already understand what went wrong or do you need me to go over it?" He asked gently. CC: "--Look, I kept asking him, I kept trying to get him to say anything about wvhether wve wvere friends or not and he WVouldn't, wvhat else wvas I supposed to think?  If wve wveren't friends, and hadn't been for swveeps on Beforus, wvhy else wvould he be talking wvith me?"   Cronus ran his hand through his hair, visibly distressed.

"He's said since that he wvants to..try?  WVhich I'd like?  But I don't knowv.." CC: He sighed again.  "..I knowv, nowv, wvhy he got mad.  It wvasn't wvhat I wvas meaning to do.  I wvas just..trying to help." CC: "..you can see if you like." ML: "I would like that, it would make the whole thing much easier to understand." He gently patted at him, soft paps. "..I understand why you might think that as well, love, even if you misread the situation." CC: "..it wvasn't.. a good time."  His voice softened as he finished that. CC: ..It took a minute or so to produce his tablet, rub surrepetitiously at his facial scars, then offer it up. ML: He spent a moment, before he took it, papping at him, rubbing gently behind fins, kissing his scars gently. Eventually it would be in his hands and he could look over the log. ML: He settled in against him so Cae could see the screen and pointed at the first small section. "This part was Psii awkwardly inviting you to come see his cats -here you seem to rebuff him and tell him that he does not know what he wants, that you do not consider him a friend from your end -Here he reminds you that you had wanted to be friends, and you had agreed to try that -and here is where you tell him he is too broken to make a decision and take the choice from him." CC: Caesurae leaned against him, and re-read it along with his moirail.  He sounded oddly tired, as he responded.  "..As I recall, I wvasn't feeling safe enough to go somewvhere alone wvith him.  I noticed the invwitation." CC: "..Perhaps the prevwious convwersation is important." ML: "It may perhaps be, why were you feeling unsafe love?" ML: His voice was soft. "..Perhaps if you had told him you were too nervous for that that night, instead of working yourself into blocking him..?" CC: "..I blocked him at the end of the convwersation immediately prior to that, as wvell.  I also wvrote...  A letter, that has not and likely wvill nevwer be delivwered.  ... He opened it, after the incident on the roof, before handing it back to me.  Did he mention it to you?" ML: "He did, he was nearly in tears over it, and that you thought he could do something like that." CC: Caesurae's capacity to emote had drifted away on the wind again, and he rubbed lightly at his cheek bone, considering.  "..Our prevwious convwersation made me realise it wvas possible for a man wvith his skills to do." CC: ... He reached for the tablet, to search up another log. ML: He let him have the tablet to drift fingers up ward again and stroke his hair and his face, chirping a soft worried sound as he shut down.   "He thought you knew him better than you do." CC: "... Alternia hardens a man." was the soft, neutral answer, from the Orphaner to the Signless. CC: "..and a man's friends are different than those he has no tie to." ML: "You took the line where he told you you had not been friends when you tormented him to mean you were not currently friends?" he questioned, scanning the whole thing with a wince on his face. "..He was venemous that night, Do you recall what set him off?" CC: "...I suppose I did.  If he had not been tolerating me socially out of some lingering sense of Beforan friendship, then wvhy?" CC: A quiet moment passed.  "..I don't remember.  As far as I could tell, he became angered wvhen I mentioned pan-frying and Beforus.  As he tends to." ML: "Those are very sensitive topics." He murmured "..I will be honest with you he often toys with you in a way I do not entirely approve of, and I believe some nights he geniunely loathes you, where others he wants friends, and especially friends who know what hes been through that he does not need to explain himself to overly much." ML: "..I think he forgets that you cannot know what goes on in his head and do not understand him, while also banking on those things to protect himself." CC: "..I wvould be inclined to agree.  ...but that does not make me more light of heart to vwisit him in person.  I...miss, our friendship, legitimately,"  Slightly less immediately after rereading two of the harsher conversations he'd had with Psii back to back. "--but it doesn't feel ..." CC: "..I wvould like to believwe I am safe," he said softly.  "... I miss that." ML: "Would it help if I spent time being with both of you at once, some supervised visits to ease you into being around him without bad things happening?" He offered. ML: He was going to have to ask Psii later what had happened. CC: The laughter was soft and bitter.  "..I don't knowv.  I don't knowv wvhat wvould help," he said as if that sentence was some revelation, shrugging philosophically.  "If I did, I'd be doing it." CC: ...He opened tumblr, and tabbed through his IM's with psii a bit, trying to remember when last they'd talked.  ...his fingers slowed, as he found it, his memory jogged. ML: "All I can do is attempt my best to ease this, my darling." He murmured to him. "Let us try visiting together, and then move on from there?" CC: "...wve'vwe talked in passing since then.  About.. vwaried topics.  I believwe he wvas wvorried about me.  Thought I wvas acting 'off' somehowv." CC: "..I'm not sure about vwisits.  ... Maybe." ML: "I know he sent me to you, when he thought there were something wrong with you and I was there." He offered. CC: ..his fins colored slightly, and he glanced aside. CC: "..Do you knowv, a solid six or sevwen people havwe asked if I'm alright?  And I still havwe a hard time seeing wvhat they do." ML: "..You're shutting down, actively acting in a way thats meant to minimize hurt to yourself and withdrawing. People do notice these things, more than you think they do." CC: Cronus's fins pinned back, and he gently squeezed Kankri before easing again. ML: Warm hands reached up and cupped both cheeks, he squirmed up to kiss cold lips. "It is not unreasonable for you to be reacting the way you are, but the fact that you are worries people- they care about you." CC: Fins lowered and relaxes, violet eyes looking unhappily, searchingly back into Kankri's own.  "..I lovwe you.  ..I don't knowv wvhat to do, to drag evwerything around again." CC: "..Cavweat less, I think wve said?" ML: "Its a start." He murmured back. "..I still suggest varying your text posts with italics bold and capitols on occasion." CC: "..Cavweat less, use text formatting." ML: "That should make you seem more emotive and straightforward." he nodded, stroking Cae's cheek. CC: Cronus headbumped into the contact like a large cat. CC: "..WVe'll see.  ..I lovwe you.  WVe can ..see, about the idea of vwisits.  If good opportunities rise.  ... I don't knowv howv easy my nervwes wvill be." ML: "The only way I know to fix something like this is to offer your pan counter examples.. which we shall have to create if we want them. Low key tea parties to pet cats seems easy enough, if you can manage it." CC: "..WVe'll see," he somewhat-agreed. ML: "We will." he gave him another kiss gently. "..I find I have run out of topic but still wish to cuddle." CC: ..I'd lovwe to," came the soft answer. ML: "Let us to that then?" he smiled. CC: Caesurae nuzzled into Kankri's hair as if there was no other place in the world he could imagine wanting to be, and nodded gently. ML: This was fine, they could cuddle now, he started rattling a purr at him quietly.

#ooc eyes only #martyrslegacy #In Which ML helps Cronus figure out wtf #And work through some of his paranoia #And try to figure out how to change his rep / affect to have more crowd appeal #hon mention : #palteringCecutiency