#*tiptoes back onto this blog as if i didn't drop off the earth for a year*

[fivecatsinatrench-coat]

Resilience

After passing out in the barn, Clementine awakens in the room she thought she’d never see again. 

“I’m not dead; that’s good,” she teased.

“Hey, that’s my line.” 

AO3  ~  FF 

AJ sat on his bed and stared at the girl lying in the bunk across from him. It was eerily quiet that afternoon-- a stark contrast from the chaos of the day prior. AJ hated it; he hated the silence. There was nothing to focus on, so his mind decided to occupy itself by replaying every terrible thing that had happened yesterday over and over again. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get the memories from the barn out of his head. He swore he could still hear the chilling scream Clementine had let out when he swung the axe down onto her leg. He tried covering his ears, as if that would somehow muffle the sound playing in his head. He could still see the horrified look on her face before she passed out from the shock. It wasn’t fair. Was it not enough that he had to experience all of this once? Why did his head insist on putting him through it all a hundred times over?

It had been over a day since he brought her back home, and she still hadn’t woken up. The passing of that first day had initially filled AJ with some hope. Clementine made it through that day, proving for certain that his actions in the barn had saved her from the bite. Ruby assured him that if it hadn’t worked, they likely would’ve lost her to the bite within the first day. Unfortunately, his elation at this news fizzled out when the sun came up in the morning without any changes. 

He had stayed up for hours, just watching her, concentrating on the most subtle movements: the light rise and fall of her chest, the fluttering of her eyelashes. AJ remembered her telling him when he was little that this meant someone was dreaming. He’d wake up to see her smiling at him; ‘’Was that a good dream?’’ she’d ask as she stroked his hair. And the little boy would be mesmerized every time that she knew he was dreaming. He wished that this was all just another bad dream, that soon he’d wake up with his head in her lap, once again staring up at that sweet smile he loved. But he wasn’t stupid. He knew that wasn’t going to happen no matter how hard he tried to wish it into reality. 

AJ’s eyes began to sting, so he shoved his fists against them to stop the tears that threatened to spill out. When he returned his gaze to Clementine, a beam of sunlight had flooded in through the window, creating a bright stripe on the sleeping girl’s face. AJ froze when he saw how the sun highlighted the deep bags under her eyes. She looks terrible. He gawked at her as a sigh escaped her pale, chapped lips; then, his eyes moved up her arm to where her wrist was taped to the bed frame. He was furious when the others insisted that restraining her was necessary. It made the possibility of losing her feel real, and he refused to let himself believe that could happen. ‘‘She’s gonna make it! You’re gonna fix her. You...You better!’’ he had protested when Ruby tried to reason with him. Louis, though he was also unhappy with the decision, backed the redhead up. ‘‘She’d want us to be safe.’’

Now, as AJ stared at her and saw how awful she still looked, a quiet voice within him told him that they may have been right. The boy averted his eyes, turned his body away from her, and pulled his legs to his chest. He couldn’t bear to see her that way any longer, and this time, he made no effort to stop the tears from flowing down his cheeks. He sniffled and rested his chin on his knees.

Eager to find something else to focus on, AJ looked forward to the desk at the foot of his bed. There sat Louis, with his forehead pressed against the desk, his fingers interlocked at the nape of his neck. AJ figured he had fallen asleep; after all, he hadn’t slept since Clementine was brought home. Even AJ allowed himself a couple hours of rest the previous night, but Louis didn’t move. He just sat on the dresser beside her bed, staring blankly at the floor, and ignored everyone’s pleas for him to rest.

Louis lifted his head and turned to look at AJ. So he wasn’t asleep… Faint streaks of tears stained his cheeks, and his eyes were bloodshot. When those solemn eyes met his, the little boy instinctively looked away. It was too painful to witness. He didn’t even look tired-- just sad. Sadder than AJ had ever seen anyone. Heartbroken. 

AJ wondered if he looked that way too.

The little boy raised his head again when he heard the scraping of the chair against the rough wood floor. Louis stood and slouched, frowning as he studied the two full bowls of dinner on the desk. Ruby had brought them the food about twenty minutes prior, begging them to eat at least a bit of it. The boys promised they would try, but neither made any effort to keep that promise; they really only said it to stop her fussing over them. The teen sighed before moving to sit on the edge of AJ’s bed.  

He was silent for a moment before opening his mouth, but when he tried to speak, the words caught in his throat. Louis shook his head and slumped over with a defeated sigh. 

AJ wiped his eyes and pulled his knees away from his chest. He leaned forward and crawled the short distance to sit beside the older boy. He dangled his legs over the edge and stared at the floor, mirroring the dejected posture of the boy beside him. His lip quivered as he tried to hold in the sobs that threatened to overtake him. 

Louis stole a side-glance at AJ, his face contorting in pain when he saw the intense grief written on the other’s. They had hardly spoken the last several hours-- there was no need to. They understood each other in an unspoken way that the others could not. Everyone at the school was mournful, but they couldn’t even begin to understand the deep solemnity that united the boys. Louis wrapped an arm around AJ and pulled him closer. The little boy leaned into him, finally allowing the full force of his sobs to escape his mouth.

AJ didn’t know how long he cried, and frankly, he didn’t care. He cried until he didn’t have any tears left. He cried until his throat burned, turning his wails into hoarse coughs. Louis kept the little boy in his embrace throughout it all, only moving slightly to brush away the silent tears that streamed down his own face.

Eventually, AJ’s breathing relaxed, and he slumped over, resting his full body weight on the teen next to him. Louis glanced down to find the boy’s eyes closed, his cheeks still flushed from crying. He smiled sadly at him, envious of how he was able to fall asleep to escape the heartache for a while. Louis stood and laid AJ back against the pillow before pulling the thin blanket over him. Then, he returned to the foot of the bed and sat with his back against the wall. 

Louis looked forward to the girl in the bunk across from them; she was still asleep, blissfully unaware of the anguish that filled the room. What if she never woke up? He furrowed his brows at the thought and returned his gaze to the boy sleeping beside him. What would happen to AJ? 

It was obvious to him. He had to look after AJ if she couldn’t. He owed it to her-- to both of them. She defended their home, fully prepared to die in the process, and that was a debt no one could ever repay. But being there for AJ was the closest he could get. It’s what Clementine would want-- everything she ever did was for him. 

Louis didn’t want to give up on her; he still hoped that, by some miracle, she would be okay. But things weren’t looking good, and if they lost her, AJ would be destroyed. He would need someone to lean on, someone to support him. The teen was determined to at least try to be that for him. He couldn’t fall apart. He owed them.

He owed it to himself too-- to ease some of the overwhelming guilt he felt for abandoning them at the bridge. If he had stayed to help, maybe she wouldn’t have been bitten. Louis frowned and rested his head against the wall, preparing himself for more hours of staring at the ceiling. If only he could just sleep like AJ….

----

AJ awoke a couple hours later and immediately looked to Clementine to see if, by some miracle, she had woken up while he was asleep. His face fell when he saw her still lying there, just as she had been before. Just as she had been for a day and a half. Of course he couldn’t be that lucky. He slouched and let out a sigh of disappointment. 

“You ok?” Louis’ voice brought the little boy out of his thoughts. AJ turned to him; he was still sitting with his back against the wall, a worried expression on his face. 

“No,” AJ replied curtly. What kind of stupid question was that? Of course he wasn’t ok. AJ sat against the wall next to him and pouted, as they once again fell into silence.

“I… I’m sorry.” Louis suddenly spoke again. “I shouldn’t have left. This is my fault. If I stayed--”

“No, it’s not.” 

AJ didn’t understand why he’d think that. It was all that dumb girl’s fault, not his. AJ felt his sorrow turn to outrage as he thought back to the chaos on the bridge. It didn’t have to happen. None of this had to happen. If it wasn’t for that girl, Tenn’s sister, everyone would be home and safe. It shouldn’t be this way. AJ clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. 

“It’s all that-- that stupid girl’s fault!”

“AJ, she didn’t know what she was do--”

“No! Shut up!” AJ bit back, his anger rising. “Don’t defend her when you know it’s true! She killed Tenn, and-- and now Clem’s gonna die because of her too!”

“What? You killed Tenn. Not her.”

“She made me. She messed him up!”

“Nobody made you do anything!”

“You would’ve died!”

“Well then, maybe I should have!” 

AJ gasped and froze with his mouth agape.

“Shit, I didn’t--” Louis cut himself off with a sigh and put his head in his hands. “AJ, I’m s--”

His apology was interrupted by a low groaning emanating from the other side of the room. The boys tensed and gave each other an unnerved look before turning to the source of the noise. The girl in the bed beside them let out a sharp moan as she struggled against the tape attaching her arm to the bed frame. She was turned to the side facing away from the boys, squirming and scratching at the sheets with her free hand.

“Clementine?” AJ’s voice cracked as he whimpered her name. 

His breath hitched when she didn’t react to his call. She continued squirming, and her groaning became louder. No. No, she can’t be. AJ jumped off his bed, tripping over himself and flopping onto his hands and knees. He stumbled up and took another glance at Clementine’s quivering body. 

“Clem? Clem, no! Please!” He tried to run to her but was stopped short by a harsh tug on his shoulder.

“AJ, you need to stay back,” Louis warned, though the trembling in his voice undermined any authority the statement could have had.

“No!” AJ shoved the teen’s hand off his shoulder and started toward the other bed. He hadn’t taken two steps before Louis grabbed him and wrapped his arms around his small frame to stop him.

“Let go! Let me go!” AJ shrieked as he struggled against the older boy’s grasp. Overwhelmed by adrenaline, the little boy tried everything he could to escape his hold. He kicked and bit and scratched, all to no avail. At some point, he dug his nails into Louis’ face, carving a long scratch into the teen’s cheek. Louis flinched at the sharp sting of the cut but still refused to release the little boy. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Louis whimpered repeatedly while AJ continued trying to wrestle him off.

AJ turned to face him, hoping to get better leverage to push him off, but he just couldn’t free himself from Louis’ grip; he was too much bigger than AJ and apparently, a lot stronger than he looked. Still struggling, he stole a glance back at Clementine, who was now silent and no longer squirming. She had freed her wrist from its restraint and was propped up on an elbow, eyes wide as she stared at them in horror.

AJ froze and gawked at her. Tears began to stream down his face when he caught sight of her eyes. They definitely weren’t monster eyes. She’s alive. Louis, surprised by how the boy had suddenly stopped fighting, gave him a puzzled look before following his gaze up to the girl. Before he had a chance to react, AJ elbowed him in the abdomen to finally free himself from his grip. 

“You’re awake!” the little boy croaked and ran to her bed. AJ jumped up onto her bed and wrapped his arms tightly around her neck. She grit her teeth and winced in pain as her injured leg was jostled, though she tried her best to hide this from the little boy as she returned his hug. 

Clementine pulled back and gave him a small smile. “Hey, goofball. What’s with all the screaming? I’m trying to sleep,” she attempted a joke, her voice hoarse.

“I thought you were a monster,” AJ whimpered, too overwhelmed with emotion to even bother protesting her calling him ‘goofball’. 

She raised an eyebrow and looked to the other boy, who was watching on in awe, clutching his stomach. “So... you decided to beat up Louis?” 

AJ avoided her questioning gaze and muttered, “...I guess.” He didn’t want her to know what he was really doing-- that he was trying to get to her even though he thought she was a monster. She had specifically told him so many times not to do just that. He didn’t want her to be mad at him.

“You shouldn’t have done that, AJ.”

“I know.” He looked at the older boy, and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Louis.”

“That wasn’t the part I was talking about.” 

AJ kept avoiding her eyes as a feeling of shame washed over him. Crap. She did know what had happened. 

Clementine sighed and wrapped her arm around the little boy, deciding it was probably best to just drop it for the moment. AJ returned the embrace and nuzzled into her neck. She smiled and lightly stroked his hair before looking at Louis. He’d finally recovered from AJ’s punch and was staring fondly at the pair. She gazed lovingly back at him.

“Lou,” she called gently and extended her free hand to him. Louis stood and walked the short distance to her bedside. He knelt down and pulled her into a hug, which she happily returned. 

She pulled away slightly, a playful smirk on her face. “I’m not dead; that’s good,” she teased.

“Hey, that’s my line.” His voice cracked and a tear escaped his eye as he spoke.

“Well, I’m borrowing it.” Clementine snickered and placed a hand on his cheek, tenderly wiping away his stray tear. She then delicately stroked the fresh cut that AJ had carved into his skin and gave him a sad smile.

“Thank you,” she said softly. “For protecting him. Sorry you got a little beat up for it.” 

“It’s ok; it’s not a big deal.” Louis smiled at her, cupped her face, and ran his thumb along the old scar on her cheek. “Hey, we match now.”

The girl snorted and considered the shallow scratch on his face. “I don’t think that’s gonna scar, though.”

“I don’t know; it might. AJ’s a fuckin’ wolverine.” 

“I said I was sorry,” AJ grumbled, reminding the teens that he was, in fact, still lying right there.

She breathed out another laugh and grabbed the hand Louis had rested on her face, holding it to her chest. Her face fell as she continued studying his. He squeezed her hand and looked into her eyes, silently asking what was wrong. 

“If I was--” Her voice caught at the thought of what could’ve happened, but she swallowed the lump in her throat and continued, “If you didn’t stop him… I… I know he wouldn’t have stayed away.” Her voice was shaking by the last word. 

AJ buried his face into her shoulder, trying to hide the shame that burned his face. He wished they wouldn’t talk about this. He knew he did something dumb; they didn’t need to talk about it. At least, not right in front of him. 

“I wouldn’t have let anything happen,” Louis assured her, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Thank you,” she repeated, fighting the urge to start crying. She didn’t know what else to say, so she placed her hand on the back of his neck and pressed her lips to his.

When they separated, he rested his forehead against hers. “I’m really glad you’re ok. I thought we lost you. For real this time.”

“Me too,” AJ added with a sniffle.

“How could I ever leave you guys?” she hummed and pulled her boys closer, never wanting to let go.

#*tiptoes back onto this blog as if i didn't drop off the earth for a year* #dont mind me lol #twdg #clouis #twdg fanfiction #my writing #twdg clouis