#- exept maybe noah)

[beexle]

why was no one home, someone should have been home it wouldve been so much better, i csnt prove this rabbits real, i cant prove mums real either but humans always bring it back

this was the second dream ive ever had about dying. the first was when i was younger than ten and it was from snakebite when i was down in a grove under a willow tree. i dreamt that afterwards i went to this white classroom type place with lots and lots of other sad children but who had given up. we were to learn from god in these tiny desks but i didnt and i begged him and pleaded to be able to see mum again and he said yes begrudgingly. but when i did see mum she couldnt see or hear me or feel me. and i clung to her and cried snd told her i was so sorry but she couldnt hear me and she just sobbed.

this time it was at this kind of retirement village/caravan park and me and jae and a bunch of her friends were staying there. mum and dad were also there, but in a different house and younger and different looking with the same personalities. and mum had had twins. i wanted so desperately to look after the twins so desperately and i did get to hold one breifly. it was so nice to look after a baby and he was so smart too. we did the tipping upside down thing and he loved it and then he vommed a little bit, and instead of wiping it i leaned over and he just spat it out. we were also painting at some point and he knew what to do with brushes even tho he was Baby. but the cousins were there too and i got just such a distinct radiance of hatred from them and they did Not want me to be there.

so i left and then along the way my more real mum wanted me to explain being nonbinary to this hippy and another like religious guy and they didnt really care they just wanted to snicker at me, which didnt feel great. went to where jae was and at first it was just bella she was staying with. and then it was bella and bellas boyfriend, who was that like dick from some tv show or other. way too cocky and fake friendly and mean. i feel like there was some kind of softer meeting in between but the next thing i remember is him getting jae to do something for him- ohh it was from feel good. and at some point bella turned into the terrible straight girl who was his girlfriend. but anyway jae was like tying something for him and he was facing straight towards her and apparently his dick was really hard abd pointing at her and it made me so ugly twisting jealous and so i tried to lay my head in her lap and she sighed but also did a bit of the soft 'youre cute' smile at me but the dude made a disgruntled noise cos id made him soft. so he turned to his girlfriend and started fucking her but i felt bad and moved away from jae and she started fucking herself with two dildos and i felt so sad and out of place and there were people and children from all over the campsite just staring. so i ran. and i ran so well, i jumped over like whole sets of stairs and i climbed piles and piles of empty plastic containers bigger than me. and i dunno if it was relavant but id know that i knew how to do it because evie had done it in the past while i was chasing her. there were like cracks behind walls and really tall buildings and seriously it was impressive. i jumped garden beds and ducked under shrubs and i knew they were chasing me. eventually i got to this plastic kids playground and i hid down the middle of the slide like you can if you put your feet up. the people had a black van and they surrounded me exept it was meant to be jae and the not-bella and her boyfriend but it was a bunch of dudes wearing black and the main one was this asian guy who knew to leave me alone and just make sure i wasnt alone. it felt a bit gratifying that they were there but it wasnt jae and i really wanted to be alone.

so i ran again, and this time behind houses so they couldnt get the car there and i found this cliff, very deserted, a part of the place i hadnt been before, and it had three ladders maybe, a wooden one, a rope bridge only attached on one side so it just dangled down the cliff and like a paddlepop stick thing. i took the wooden ladder and i did the cool slidey thing that firemen do, slowing myself down every now and then. it had pretty ivy all over it and looked out over this wide valley full of trees and i was starting to feel better. there was even like this castle halfway down the cliff i was gonna try to get to. i slid to the end of the ladder and by chance stopped myself on the last rung. the ladder was finished but there was still more than half the cliff left. the castle was above me though, so i tried to switch from my ladder to the one attached to the castle but you know the thing ladders do when there arent knots in the rope? where the wood just slides doen if you try to climb? well it was doing that and i couldnt switch and i was getting tired and i decided to just see what happened. i knew id die but i didnt tell myself that i said if i live i live if i die i die. and so i fell and it felt free and all the things ive imagined it might. and then numb. and then like i was waking up and i thought i might be in a coma but i wasnt. i was dead and i remembered that my great aunt or another mum had died from eating too much sugar and it had felt like this. i wound up at a bar where the people in black who had been chasing me were and it turned out they were dead (does that mean i was already seeing dead people before i died?) they had been dead for a while they knew how it worked. apparently to stay in this world you had to consume stuff from it so the asian guy was drinking a blue cocktail. i found jae and held her and said i was sorry because i really really had wanted to spend my life with her. i said it was the second worst thing i regretted, meaning noah first. no one else could see me and i didnt really care about them just her. annnnd i was crying and sad and didnt want to be dead and then i woke up.