#.. what we should have done is gone to veternay school instead. which is what we wanted to do for some years anyway. still helping. less

[magnoliamyrrh]

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#i cant help but think that were making a mistake in planning to do social/ppl work. in doing anthropology in the first place #ive never been good with people #i dont know if i ever will be #nor am i particularly fond of being surrounded by people constantly and infact i quite value my silence #... i can never seem to quite get the hang of interactions. of how to talk of how to move of how to speak #and while i have spend years pretend i do. it has only left me tired #... what am i to do exactly if this is what we go into? what happens if almost inevitabley it is me and not somebody else on a day when we #must deal with people - be it attempting to help or large groups of them or whatever it may be #.... i feel like im being signed up for a life of exhaustion if we do this. i am too quiet. i am too much of a solitary creature #.. what we should have done is gone to veternay school instead. which is what we wanted to do for some years anyway. still helping. less #people work though ... #. i could have done that so much more easily #...... it has taken me too many years of this life to stop hating humans all together. i can understand them. for survivals sake. but this #is all. i have yet to learn to trust them much nor have they given me much reason to nor do i see much benefit to doing so #i am tired. of the nonsencial cruelty. of all of it. #perhaps i do not wish to spend years trying to help beings which i barely trust #what happens if. as it happens at times. i end up being the one to front for days or weeks or months? it seems like a recipe for disaster #we truly should have just worked with animals instead that is something we can all easily do #. its too late now anyway #last year of college. there is no time or money or energy for another degree #my fate seems to be sealed and for months or perhaps years now ive been - i would say turning in my grave but i suppose im not yet dead - #over this.. and now it truly is past time #..... it was a mistake as well that we did not stick to horseback riding in highschool. no. instead we listened to people and parents and #family. do this do that you can do so much better et fucking cetera. those highschool years of academic insanity wrecked this body. wrecked #it. college was too much when we were so mentally and physically ill #.... life could have been different now #if we had stuck to it