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fortheloveofcringe · 5 years

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For the past six months I have just been on a ride where I extract the very best and worst of what I have, put it in a wall, examine what will propel me to a better future and make elaborate quick choices that taught me that life is more than just examining it. Although Socrates had said that a life unexamined is a life not worth living, I also found out that there is much freedom with a life that is just lived and not constantly questioned. I live my life wondering about the what’s and the if’s and I honestly have figured out a lot of things but none of the stays in my head for extended periods of time. All of my realities at the very moment they are happening are shaped by my exact reaction and opinions about it and dare I say my life has been a shit mess because I’ve always pictured it as a shit mess. When I came to that PRIDE activity where I posed as a living book and shared my life story, I made a conscious decision about how I approach my life from that point forward. I made sure that I will never be defined by the rejections that I will face and called my book “Turning Sorry’s to Thank You’s” kind of like a little nod to Ariana’s Thank You, Next.

When I backtrack, I’m always sorry about being myself when I shouldn’t be. I have always felt guilty even for the things that I shouldn’t even feel guilty about (I honestly feel like anyone can frame me for murder because I would sweat a lot just by being accused.) Anyhow, it’s just how I lived I have always been my own support system, with a sprinkle of Mom and brother’s love, but ultimately, I try my very best not rely on other people. But that’s not what I figured out this year. I figured out that there is more to life than just cracking the equation and believing yourself. Sometimes you have to make sure you talk slower, and listen harder. You have to look around, not questioning things, but making sure you absorb enough reality so that you wouldn’t make-up some scenarios in your head that you worry about for at least 5 hours later after 12 in the midnight.

Right now, I’m glad that I’m able enough again to write this journal here on tumblr because my last post, damn, I was ready for sweet death, which by the way I am and will always be, I think that’s my edge amongst my age group. I have accomplished enough to understand that reputations and lifeways have very distinct characteristics that affect my super conscious perception of my exact self, in a society orchestrated by government systems, traditions and religion that I have always complained about, which by the way, I should just ignore because, well, life is a heck more fun than focusing on the things I can’t actually control. There is much more power in accepting the range of your capabilities more than believing a delusion that will just upset you in the end, or have an upset stomach for in the end, as latest experience says.

This is about my body and my mental chemistry. I have always made sure that I am not body negative or body positive, I was just neutral, like I’m not cheering for what I have and degrading what I have, I was just, I just respected what I have always had. But my recent experience about an ex who was always conscious about his macho exterior had me thinking if I needed to be macho as well to be accepted in the society. I have a full understanding that money figures are mightier than physical figures and you don’t need a hot body to be hot, you just need a perfect bank account to be a trophy, but I just figured, why can’t I have both?

But then earlier this week I just had a run at some hospitals and it was disappointing for the first one but quite a relief for the second hospital that we went through. The first hospital had very problematic and almost scary people working on it. Here are a few things they’ve done during my stay in the emergency room:

1. Blasted Camila and Shawn’s Seniorita while people are dying in the E.R. talking about how concerned they are for Shawn’s social anxiety than US who are in their immediate contact.

2. They have an off-putting way of asking questions which will make you feel like you are lying about your condition even if you can literally see blood dripping on the floor from your body.

3. Talk bout death of other celebrities while PEOPLE ARE DYING IN FRONT OF THEM. HEY.

4. They keep asking me as to when my mother would arrive, which translated to me at that moment as “Can your mom pick you up, we don’t want to serve a lot of people here.”

5. HAD SNACKS AND ALL TYPE OF SHIT FOOD IN THE E.R.

6. One of the witchy Doctors was just so bitchy she had to remind my mom later in the evening in a very SARCASTIC WAY when we returned that I refused to be confined in their hospital so they can’t accept us ad we have to be reffered and that such is a long LONG process (which in translation is, we can’t serve you). WELL OF COURSE I REFUSED TO BE CONFINED BECAUSE I’M CRAZY AND I WANT TO DIE. She needs to know that I refused because I have observed them well enough specially with their very unwelcoming way of handling patients that I can’t put my self under their care.

7. Puncture my body twice for IV after making an error in my vein. Nothing too concerning.

8. The same witch Doctor said these things on the course of my stay: “I’m gonna die in this place” “People can’t demand quality service from us because we don’t get quality service ourselves. Even us doctors have to get in lines and shit.” “I feel sorry for Shawn Mendes for having social Anxiety.”

Now the second hospital I gotta make sure that when I become successful, I have to donate equipment in their facilities because they did me a solid. RTR hospital is the best. It was a choice of which hospital was nearest and both where nearby. So anyway, this hospital did me a solid. Here are a few things they’ve done:

1. Ran a helpful assessment to my condition with careful tones acknowledging the fact that there was something wrong with me as opposed to the other hospital which assumed stuff.

2. Reviewed my medical history CAREFULLY.

3. Assisted us in our laboratory tests (which was yes, recommended by the other hospital but damn they were just so ready to kick us out that I wasn’t feeling staying for laboratories in their facility for that long.)

4. Reviewed my prescribed medicines and filled out EXACT times and dates for intake WITHOUT RAISING EYEBROWS.

5. Allowed us to ask questions and responded without being sarcastic. Professional Vibes only.

6. Compared to the other hospital, they were able to NAME what was wrong with me which was actually Abdominal Discomfort. Damn I have been waiting for that. I just wanted to know what’s wrong with my body.

7. Compared to the other hospital, they were serving a lot of patients that night (the other one was just serving at lest three people and their doctors are already shouting I’d ie in here!” not to mention they have high tech equipment and a full nurse force) and they still remained calm and helpful.

8. They pretty much had an awesome Doctor and Nurse force that night, shoutout to the hand some nurse who I kept taking a peek at when I was looking like a bag of shit on the E.R. bed, I guess flirting doesn’t have a time.

9. I was fixed. I mean thank God I’m making this right now because of them

Ultimately what I want you to take from this is that everything is a reciprocation. If you’re a doctor or a nurse who cusses out, rejects people or whatever, your gonna get the same rejection from your patients. If you give out hate, you receive hate, if your give out lies, you receive lies, I think that should be a golden rule in everything that we do. If you harbour negative energy, that same energy will whip you right back because when we came to that first hospital I remember giving the doctor who spoke to my mom in a very pointed tone the death stare after she gave me a left eyebrow. Anyway.

Also, if you do good to other people good stuff will come back to you. now I do pledge that if I make my first million from my youtube account, I’m going to donate some equipment to RTR hospital for saving me. I went home that evening feeling like angels carried me home even if I was limping from a bad stomach.

What I’m trying to relay here also from that long intro about my body is that I fucked up my body by eating less these past few months. I thought the best hack to lose weight was not to gain weight at all. The trend is intermittent fasting and boy do I say the internet is still not the most credible source for everything.

When I broke up with my ex, I had a revenge plan of making my self look like one of the boys he was drooling endlessly for on instagram; macho muscular guys who sound like bats when they talk. Anyway, shade aside, I figured one common pattern from them. It was sourced from a deep form of social anxiety that they rip and shred their bodies from pimple insuding protein shakes and rigid muscle enhancing work-outs just so they would feel accepted, and I get it, there is nothing more hot than being objectified by a low life as what they say, but it just didn’t feel right to me that I would shave off the outside just so I could start shaving in the inside. But I still tried. No harm on that, well there is. When it’s done in the wrong way.

I got sent to a hospital for abdominal discomfort from a very weird diet. I eat, I don’t eat, then I do something which I will call, “tickle my throat” but not in a sexual way, more like a very bad idea of making sure I don’t gain weight by having a controlled mechanic of what stays in my body and what goes out. Some people call it bulimia, I call it being a master of my own universe.

SO I tried that, and again, it just didn’t seem right. The food I was wasting, or the food I was holding myself back from enjoying. The stupid videos I watch on Youtube about how to be a perfect human wasn’t striking a cord. One of my instructors and ex-classmates have notified my that my ex was looking shredded lately and boy I just wanted to punch them. I didn’t need that. I need no reminder of how I’m failing in the body department. I get it.

But looking from a Google Earth view, this is what I came to see.

I saw myself changing my way of interpreting new information. Everything is suddenly a mind exercise on how I would react to a certain info and acknowledging my behaviour about it. Now this is much more important to me more than just having a hot body. New information became new habits.

I can’t elaborate on how I do it, some of us have a distinct and unique way of mastering our soul lessons but right now, I’m just very happy with how I can look at myself in the mirror and say, I love and accept you exactly as you are.

There is no baggage of doubt or whatsoever. It’s like I finally ran out of excuses not to love myself and everything is just a growth opportunity. All I can say is wherever you are, I want to remind you that our lives are programmed in way for us to combat in peacefully. We have to have that internal battle so that we can manifest it in our outside world. Because people think it’s the other way around.

When really, the glow is from within.

#2019 in 6 months

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