#As for the mini fic I was really interested in Dex's line about indulging ''Max's'' delusions

[sysig]

Delusions (Patreon)

"Could I have your hand, sir?" Max didn't move, which Dexter was, sadly, getting used to.

"Sir?" Max jerked, then turned and stared at him, lost and blank. "Your hand, please."

Max's hand lifted shakily, and he laid it gently in Dexter's upturned palm. Dexter gave a quick and quiet "thank you," then turned it over in his own hand, observing him closely.

Too closely - his knuckles were rough and his fingernails were dull and cracked in places. His once-soft, not-a-day-in-his-life-subjected-to-hard-labour hands were now, already, toughened and split and scarred in places, especially the heel of his palm. He turned it over again, this time to stop looking so intensely. He had only wanted to give it a cursory glance to begin with.

"Do you know what I see, sir?" he asked as conversationally as he could manage, running his fingers along Max's abused flesh. He seemed to be at least half paying attention, his eye gazing down between them, and he'd occasionally twitch, encouragingly Dexter thought. He seemed to want to curl around him, then stopped and shook, his hand squeezing into a fist. Dexter coaxed him back out, encouraged him to hold himself lightly.

"What do you see?" He was almost startled by Max actually continuing their conversation, that happened so rarely now, shaking and quiet as it was. He took a deep breath, was he really going to do this?

"I see a hand, with five fingers." Max remained quiet, though his brow curled, and a guarded look came into his eye, though he still wasn't looking at Dexter. He felt a pang of guilt, but he had to try. "What do you see?"

Max's eye unfocused and began to water. He looked up, but not enough to reach Dexter's gaze in return, instead staring through his chest, and he felt just as hollow and empty as he must look to him.

"Do you take me for a fool, DAX?" Quiet and as close to angry as he'd heard since they'd been here.

No, not angry.

Betrayed.

He swallowed down the stinging lump at the back of his throat. He had to put on a brave face, had to keep his composure if he wanted Max to get better. That was the only thing he wanted, more than anything.

"Of course not, sir. Genuinely, what do you see?"

Max pulled his hand away and turned his body, his bandaged side facing Dexter. Shutting him out, pointedly. Dexter's empty hand curled into a fist, he was no better.

"Please, don't..." Max took a shallow, shuddering breath, and several beats before he spoke again, even quieter. "Don't ridicule me." Dexter could hear his breath catch, and he wanted nothing more than for this all to just stop.

"Sir, I didn't-"

"I've had enough of that." He shook his head stiffly, the action strange and wrong, like he had forgotten how. He stilled, his head turned even further away. "More than enough."

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #Dexter Favin #And a drabble-fic under the cut #I ended up writing that the night after I read - I was a bit too inspired while busy so it's a little on the unfocused side haha #I would've cleaned it but I worry it wouldn't make it out of that stage! Please enjoy it for now <3 #This set is mostly periphery ideas - inspired by events rather than directly shown ♪ I suppose the first two kinda count tho #But they're more directly of the little scene I wrote ouò Poor ZEX </3 #And Dex! He's usually so capable! But he's stretching himself so thin ahh it's hard to watch in the best way #Of course he doesn't want to give ''Max'' over to just anyone - anyone at all really - both of their trusts have bottomed out #But how much could he reasonably care for him in that state? When he's still being actively haunted and most importantly - Not Max #He needs helps he needs support he needs to sleep and shower but a second with his eyes off Max and - then what? He'll immolate from fear #It's hard to imagine him crying but pushed to this extreme? To the thought of losing Max utterly and completely? Hhhhh #I do also just love him being possessive even outside of how terrible the situation is - he's always had his glimpses but this situation #Brings out the worst in him <3 In terrible ways #Really his method is just setting ''Max'' up nearby and prompting him over the sound of the shower like that's not nerve-wracking at all #Like he already doesn't answer half the time if that #As for the mini fic I was really interested in Dex's line about indulging ''Max's'' delusions #Apart from the fact that they're not delusions - not that anyone believes him outside of the Institute - what it means to indulge is weird #I saw one example of how to handle delusions that stuck with me - how not to deny them outright while also not reinforcing them #Since it's not actually helpful to be told ''That isn't Really happening to you'' when to you - to ZEX - it really is! How invalidating #And so rather to take the approach of ''I don't see/feel/hear what you are - I can't find any evidence of it myself'' and extrapolating #Dex taking the approach of ''What reality are you experiencing right now?'' and trying to build from there! #Unfortunately ZEX has already been treated like....well like all that - he's not in the mood for games even well-intentioned ones #He /knows/ he's in a human body. He can feel that and see that and understands that. It doesn't change who - what he /is/ #The idea of a completely broken ZEX is so sad to me :( He's so strong and prideful and vivacious - Max really is another him </3 #It's not the same but he was saved from death! To fall into torture... But even despite that I want to see him succeed! As much as he can #Even in that small and shaking way I want to see him be hateful and spiteful - angry. Powerful <3 Fighting ♥

[itsgoldleaf]

I posted 446 times in 2021

46 posts created (10%)

400 posts reblogged (90%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 8.7 posts.

I added 132 tags in 2021

#stargate atlantis - 38 posts

#mcshep - 31 posts

#rodney mckay - 18 posts

#john sheppard - 14 posts

#goldleaf's writing - 10 posts

#ask meme - 5 posts

#pacific rim au - 4 posts

#ronon dex - 4 posts

#fictober21 - 4 posts

#stargate - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i do hope it’s a good show but i’ll have to wait for the whole thing to come out and spin a wheel to decide which service i’ll subscribe to

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

18 and 22 for the ask game, plz

Thank you Anon! 18. I name you writer on the show: What's the first thing you write Season 6? A fix-it for all the weird characterisation in season 5? LOL this is a tough question. I think, yes, I'd ultimately like to write another season but have it be like, a mini series maybe, 4 episodes max? Something to just, make everything better and satisfy my own self-indulgences but also make up for the yawning omissions in the show in general. I would love to write a slice-of-life thing where everyone is back in Pegasus, literally 100% composed of all those small, weirdly away-from-the-action character moments that are dotted around so much in the show that have no plot significance but really flesh out the people and their relationships to one another. I'd give Teyla and Ronon actual respectable character arcs and utilise them as people with unique experiences and perspectives and not just sounding boards for other characters' dialogue. Half the time in SGA it doesn't matter if you give the line to Teyla or Ronon since they get used as exposition-catalysts way too much. I want Teyla and her people to be back in the fore, how USEFUL she and they would be in reestablishing relations with all the other planets and trading partners once Atlantis gets back to Pegasus (especially if they got cut off from Earth again. Okay I'm literally just describing Written By The Victors again here I can't help it!!!) I want her to have genuine friendships with other female characters that aren't just 'we need to move the plot forward with some exposition' (SGA does pass the Bechdel test in a few episodes to be fair but I almost feel that's by accident honestly, I think it's literally always to drive the plot forward via dialogue and never just to have them be hanging out shooting the shit like you get with John & Rodney). I WANT SATEDAN CULTURE PLEASE I want to know more about their art and songs and commerce and world c'moooooon (I'm literally writing a thing about this rn because!!!) Ronon is so criminally under-used as a PERSON in this show oh my god, so I want him to have more to do than just not understanding shit because he isn't unintelligent, christ. Does anyone in the show EVER ask him what HIS favourite song is?! Or what he likes to do?! And also just, I haven't even got to McShep yet, but I'm a slow burn lots and lots of subtext and neither of them naming it will-they-are-they-what-is-this? sort of person so nothing would even explicitly happen until the last 'episode' of this thing I'm apparently now in charge of. The pier scene from the Shrine except a whole season of that mood, where you know what's going on but it's this quiet, understated intimacy that blooms, not in the forefront, just, a nice development of a thing rumbling along. (Yes I would yeet the Rodney/Jennifer thing sorry not sorry, haha.) I went REALLY OFF BRIEF HERE but oh my god I think what I love about SGA in a twisted way is the lost potential (aka thank fuck for fic). It doesn't have to be a big enemy of the week drama for it to be interesting and good and engaging - I crave the small moments, treating the characters with respect and not caricaturing them (looking at you season 5 episodes that shall go nameless unless someone asks me about them at which point I will gladly write a thesis) so yeah, fund me amaz*n I'll write your show for you

22. A fic you would be buried with since it's so good, you'd read it over and over until the end of time. This is VERY difficult to answer because I have a handful that I read over and over and over. Oh man. Oh man! Okay, picking one at random, The Suite Life by Cartwrite. It's literally what I described above almost - this slow paced, slice of life thing that has no huge peril but is this comforting exploration of the development of a relationship with perfect characterisation and real warmth and that is my absolute VIBE for all eternity.

22 notes • Posted 2021-09-20 18:45:28 GMT

#4

The Rod-Straight Highway by goldleaf

It’s a heated tactical retreat, really. Shrubs, ruins. Gate, over there, somewhere, Rodney had waved his arm vaguely and almost got his fingers shot off.

***

I did it! Another Fictober prompt in October!

This one is for prompt 8: This is it, isn't it?

22 notes • Posted 2021-10-31 19:44:01 GMT

#3

The Golden Hour by goldleaf

John sits down heavily having retrieved more drinks; they slip and slop on the little tray he’s liberated from one of the locals and he’s loose and giggly in that way that he gets which is never and he doesn’t seem to notice or care that his thigh is pressed up against Rodney’s and Rodney thinks, I’m not drunk enough for this, and downs his (worryingly fruity) drink in one swallow because he might as well make a start.

***

Fictober Prompt 11: "I swear, it's not always like this."

22 notes • Posted 2021-10-10 18:49:24 GMT

#2

Hello friends please grant me the strength and I mean really send those vibes out into the aether because I’ve still not rewatched Vegas since like 2014 and I just need the emotional fortitude okay because it’s been so long that it’ll be like watching it for the first time again and i can’t HANDLE IT

28 notes • Posted 2021-09-27 21:21:57 GMT

#1

I've found myself drawn back into the SGA fandom after 8 or so(?) years. Is it cheating to ask for your tumblr crushes? Or at least some good SGA McShep-leaning blogs/authors to follow?

Sorry for the delay in replying Anon! Welcome back to the fandom! (I say, having been here ten minutes.) OH MAN like, my entire friends list are some excellent McShep/Atlantis folks and my dash is a wondrous cornucopia of content on the daily! @a-storm-of-roses @alienfuckeronmain @carsonsweebabyturtles @cassiope25 @hewwwwkayyyy @mckaysrodney @sparrowsarus @atlantis-scribe @dedkake@perfica @chaos-monkeyy @frankthesnek TO NAME BUT A FEW of the insanely talented people gracing my screen at any given moment whose blogs I recommend clicking on if you're in the market for beautiful fic and art and discourse and posts and that sweet McShep and Atlantis content we all not-so-secretly crave <3

59 notes • Posted 2021-10-04 20:35:03 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#I did the thing #Inadvertent reccing of my own fic there heheuhaueh #none of these results surprised me I don’t talk much but when I do it’s sga 👍