#Criminayl Writez.

[warcriminalcommie]

Hey guys welcome back to another episode of Ay ruining your day because HAAAA.

Felt like we needed some depressing shit here that isn't depressing in the "What did you do you to him? Wh-Why? I'm gonna go vomit now what the fuck did I just read—" way so have angst. :bbg_emoji:

Also if you feel like you've seen this before, that's because you probably have. I yoinked this from my Wattpad because I'm (not) cool.

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Blue Or Brown, Can't Remember

It's been a few months since Deimos had passed. Almost more than half a year. Specific period. But that's because that event kept haunting you, replaying in your head. Hah, replay. Even thinking of that word reminds you of his stupid song that he'd bug you with. Funny how you'd describe it as him annoying you back then when now you'd do anything for him to just come back and pester you with his stupidity just once more.

You really couldn't get your mind off of him. Everything would remind you of him and the stuff you'd do together as friends. As friends. Nothing but friends. That's what it was, what it was and what it always will be due to you taking him for granted. You thought he'd always be there. That one day, you'll eventually get the courage to confess to him. Or hell, maybe he'd confess to you! I mean, he did seem to take an interest in you. But that'll remain unknown for the rest of eternity, or at least the rest of your life, because he's gone. Gone forever.

You didn't even get to say goodbye. You weren't even there when it happened. Every day you keep thinking about it. All the 'what if's and 'if only's filling your brain. Just like how it's filling it right now, as you sit here and ponder your now meaningless life.

"What if I was there?"

"What if I took the bullet instead of him?"

"If only I saved him."

"If only it could've been me."

These thoughts kept harassing you. You couldn't take it anymore. It was all you could think of. You could barely experience any form of happiness without you being pulled back into this state of constant, unhealthy grief.

"If only, if only, IF ONLY!!" You screamed out, tears in your eyes. You didn't even care if Hank or Sanford heard you from their rooms. You just couldn't take this anymore. It was literal hell on earth. 

Hell on earth...

Huh.

Makes you wonder where your beloved little chain-smoker is right now. The thought had just popped into your head. Now instead of regret, you felt fear. Fear, worry, and concern. You hoped that he was somewhere safe, his soul resting in peace from this hell you all called Nevada. 

You shook your head, trying to get these thoughts away. But you couldn't. God, how much you missed him. His dumb jokes, his stupid personality, his voice, his scent of tobacco, his eyes... His...eyes... Huh. Now that you think of it, you can't even remember his facial features, or any of his features for that matter. You had a hint in your head that his eyes might have been either blue or brown, but you can't seem to remember.

That thought made you get up from your bed to go and look for a photo of him, or anything similar to that. You looked and looked until it hit you that you haven't kept any sort of archive of him. That thought made you freeze in your place. Tears started stinging your eyes, the sour feeling setting in. The fact that you don't even have anything to remember Deimos with broke you.

You immediately and frantically opened your phone. You scrolled and scrolled on every app that you had, back and forth and went through every single piece of data there. And... Nothing. No chat logs, no conversations, no images, nothing. It can't be possible... Can it?? Oh, wait...

It can.

And that's because in a fit of pure anguish, you decided to erase what little you had of Deimos left on your device so you can forget about him. So you can heal faster. It all moved to your "Recently deleted" folder, but you had forgotten to move the files back where they belonged. As for the chat logs... They never had any hope of being restored easily after you deleted them. Only someone with complicated tech knowledge could do that job so easily.

Someone like him.

And there you go... Remembering him again... Gosh, you really were dependent on him, huh? You started to think about life before him. It was... Bad. To say the least. It might just be because of the fact you lived in this pathetic excuse of a state, but who knows? You certainly don't since your view of the past, yourself, everyone and the whole fucking world has been contorted after this little incident 

It's all just so absolutely meaningless now. So worthless and nugatory. It all felt so dull without him. He was the spark of joy in your life that you didn't know you needed. That you didn't appreciate enough. That you took for granted.

You sighed, laying on your bed again, staring at the ceiling. You felt the tears dry but then you just burst out, again. You took a shaky breath, trying to regain composure. You felt so hopeless. It just hurt so much to cry over and over again. You couldn't take it anymore. To make it all even somehow worse, your nose had started burning thanks to all the tissues. You tried to take deep breaths to calm yourself by at least a bit, but you simply kept breaking down mid-breath.

Choking on your own breath and panting heavily, you sighed, tears falling down your face. You were so damn exhausted from crying. It felt like shit, but you couldn't stop. Your heart was pounding like crazy, and your lungs felt like they were beating. It started to physically hurt you. Is this how Deimos felt?

...

Why?

Why?

Just why?

Why did you have to remember him again? And why did it have to be that memory out of everything?

Why couldn't he leave your mind? Why couldn't he let you be? Why can't you just let this thought disappear? Why can't you repress it like all the horrible things you've repressed?

Was he haunting you? I mean, in your current state, you'd probably be delusional enough to believe that he does still live on as some sort of undead entity. Thankfully, that thought didn't cross your mind. Yet.

Trying to clear your mind out of all these thoughts just made you feel worse. Again. All you did was remember how you could have treated Deimos better. All the insults you'd throw at him, all the hits, punches, kicks, all the mean comments. You meant it in a joking, friendly, light-hearted manner. But it still made you feel like shit.

What if he didn't catch the hint?

What if he took it as genuine?

What if he hated you all the time?

What if you hurt his feelings?

You just broke down again at these thoughts. Something that made it all worse is that you actively denied these comments and actions to be jokes. Deimos seemed to take it well, but would seem hurt from time to time. You couldn't tell if he was being sad as a sort of joke of his, or if he was genuine. It still hurt to know that.

Fuck. What if he did actually have feelings for you and never confessed because of these comments? What if he felt the same way? You couldn't tell which thought hurt more. The one about him hating you in silence, or loving you in silence.

It hurt. It hurt so much. You just wanted your consciousness to be taken away. You couldn't even dream about any more happy moments with Deimos.

What if you were nicer to him?

What if you actually confessed?

What if you were there for him?

What if you didn't let him split and leave you?

What if you took his place?

What if?

What if?

What if?

What if.

What if.

What if.

What if.

What if.

WHAT IF?!

...

But it doest matter.

Because he's gone.

Gone forever.

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lmao loser.

Still nervous about posting shit onto this hellhole woo.

#madness combat x reader #deimos x reader #madcom x reader #madcom deimos x reader #mc deimos x reader #madness combat deimos x reader #Angst #Ok I have no other fucking tags #also Target is a corrupt organiza— #cross posted on wattpad #Criminayl Writez. #Yes that's gonna be the writing tag stfu. #Edit: ok I hate this piece of writing now.