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queenimmadolla · 2 years

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𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐄 ─ 𝐏.𝐈𝐈.

masterlist ─ part one • part three summary: . . .after Friday night's events, you and Eddie figure out exactly where you stand.

chapter warnings: pining, angst, misunderstanding, confirmed that Eddie fucks but not you in this part, insecurity, mentions of Eddie w/others, angst, friends to lovers, tw:wilderness therapy, references to "legal" abduction, PTSD. a/n: sorry for the length, wanted to put as much angst in this chapter so we could get to the good stuff in part 3. . no keep reading tab due to Tumblr removing content from the post (if you know a solution, please let me know) whenever I utilize it so happy scrolling lol. let me know if I missed any triggers. daisy edgar-jones is who I imagine eddie's mom to look like, so you can keep that in mind when reading if you want. took some inspo from fleabag. word count: 8.5k 𝐓𝐚𝐠 𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭. ─────

The sleepover was a bust. Judy had spent most of the night bummed, and so did you but you kept that to yourself as you tried to cheer her up. She hadn’t really been in the mood to talk about it. Part of you wanted to tell her about what happened—or didn’t happen—with Eddie, but the prideful part of yourself that was hurting over this demanded you keep it a secret, like telling someone else would open the flood gates. Of course, that had everything to do with the fact that you knew you’d probably tear up and then cry, inevitably making yourself even more sad. It had only been Friday night, which meant you’d have to try and survive the weekend crying instead of enjoying it. So you kept it to yourself. And still ended up having a shitty weekend because of course you still fucking thought about it. Actively thought about it. It was going so good, what had you done wrong to make it go south like that? Needless to say, going to school the following Monday, had been a lot harder than it normally was. Usually, you threw off the blankets and dove for your closet to get ready for Eddie—even though he definitely didn’t know nor appreciate your attempts at catching his attention—but today, was different. Today was full of possibilities.

The way you saw it, Eddie could have come to his senses over the weekend and approach you sometime to pick up where you left off. Of course, with your luck that would most definitely probably not happen. He could ignore you for the whole day. Which, because of your luck, would probably happen. The only neutral possibility, would be for him to continue treating you the way he had before Friday night. Just a couple of passing ‘hellos’ as he whisks past you, while you want nothing more than to stare after him.

Jesus. You were practically dragging yourself around on the fucking ground for someone who probably didn’t even think of you in his free time! You wished you could just find a way to turn your feelings off. Life would be so much easier. The face staring back at you through the mirror looked miserable as you got ready, rushing through the motions. You had woken up pretty early, but it was nearly impossible for you to ever be on time to school and this morning proved to be no different. Normally, you didn’t mind being late. You were sheepish and charming enough with your teachers to get away with, maybe it had become routine to them. But being late meant usually walking into class after it had started. All eyes would be on you as you walked through that door to first period. The class you shared with one Edward Munson. No fucking way were you about to be put on the spot like that with your mental state today. After several rolling stops, and some definite speeding, you had managed to hurry your way into class just as the last bell rang.

Most of the class was present, but still getting settled meaning no one was paying you any attention. Or at least you hoped no one was, because you weren’t brave enough to look the classroom over, making a beeline for your table towards the front of the class. Phew, crisis avoided. You’d never been more happy about Eddie’s group sitting somewhere behind you, before. Like, ever.

Your anxiety was through the roof with all this flip flopping from wanting to see him to wanting to hide from him. You didn’t want to admit to yourself that you were afraid of getting the answer you didn’t want.

The relief lasted for all of about five minutes before your teacher was asking to pass the homework up front, and you stared stupidly up at the chalkboard because you knew exactly where your homework was.

In your locker. You’d shoved most of your things in there, but in your haste to still make it to class somewhat on time, you hadn’t taken the time to gather what you would need. Fuck. Again. With a heavy sigh, you raised your hand and waited for your teacher to acknowledge you. “I left it in my locker. Can I go get it?” You couldn’t miss turning in your math homework, you tested terribly, but since you cheated on your homework, you kind of depended on it to keep your B in class.

Mrs. Boucher simply nodded, and you darted out of the class, hoping you didn’t draw too much attention. Miles Andrade wasn’t all that happy about your escape though. “Hey—why does she get to go get her stuff when she forgets it? You never let me!” “You don’t come back.” His groan seemed to distract most of the class as they laughed at him, and you smirked as the door shut behind you. Once you managed to get the stupid combination lock to your locker open (which you struggled with constantly), you shifted through your textbooks until you found your math book and tugged the assignment out without opening or retrieving the actual book. You wouldn’t be able to focus on it, anyways, so you’d just be listening to today’s lecture.

You heard the squeak of a sneaker against the ground in the distance and silently cursed yourself at the realization that you hadn’t grabbed the hall pass before you’d left the classroom. To be fair, it seemed to be an unspoken rule amongst the teachers to make the hall pass as inconvenient as possible. Mrs. Boucher’s was a traffic cone. Whatever, you figured if worse came to worse, Eden’s little sister Suzie—the hall monitor— would stop you and escort you back to class so you could prove you had permission. She wasn’t liked very much by Seniors. Or Juniors. Or Sophomores. The freshman had no choice, she used her power over them to keep them in compliance. You respected that. You shut your locker, ignoring the flare of disappointment when you didn’t see Eddie on the other side. Not sure why you had the hope that he would be in the back of your head, but it looked like like you’d probably heard Suzie after all. Maybe she’d gone down the other hall. Suzie didn’t mind chasing after runners, you’d witnessed it on several occasions, but if you could just get past the girls’ bathroom before she noticed you, you could make a break for it and beat her back to your class before she could embarrass you. With a solid escape plan, you turned to head back into the direction you came and jumped, hand flying to your chest as you nearly managed to avoid walking right into Eddie’s chest. “Oh, geez!” Eddie’s hands darted up in surrender, lips curling into his trademark smirk as he eyed you in amusement. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. Just using the good ol’ public laboratory.”

You could only nod like an idiot, scared to voice anything else for fear of disturbing the standstill you two had going on. Or rather, that you had with him. He probably didn’t even care and that made you sad. You watched as the smirk faded away, his tongue poking out to run briefly over his top lip. It was definitely the observer in you, but for a moment, you were sure his cocky persona melted away. And suddenly, he was giving you that same look you’d cherished in the back of his van; big brown eyes wide, but fixated on you. His mouth opened once. Then twice, and he broke eye contact (you held it again!).

“Uhm, hey. So, about Friday. You don’t have to-uh. . . It was nothing. You’re all good.” His smile was nervous but still had that Eddie brightness. Wasn’t any comfort to your shattering hopes. It was nothing. Of course.

Of fucking course it was nothing, because to him you were just another walking body in the background. You might have taken notice of him, but he hadn’t really known you. You had really thought that reading a couple of the same books and noticing you in what was most definitely an attention drawing costume meant he’d payed special attention to you. So what if he had noticed your disappearance for a school year? Clearly, it had just been an observation of his. God, you really set yourself up for this one. Should’ve just left the party when you had realized you forgot your lighter. FUCK.

“Oh.” Was all you could actually breathe out. You were impressed with how strong your voice was, didn’t betray your actual emotions though you could feel something deep in you shaking, something in you unstable at the rejection you were suddenly faced with. “Okay!” You walked right past him to get back to class, trying to keep it together as you cursed yourself in your head for being stupid over and over and over again. Your assignment was placed on a pile with the others, and you slipped into your seat with an annoyed mumble. The day proved to be agonizing. You’d fought for your life to appear invisible the rest of first period, hightailing it the hell out of there the second the bell rang. The rest of your classes provided you with no sanctuary. Hadn’t learned a single thing as you fidgeted, willing the minutes to go by faster. Time wasn’t going to cooperate with you, and all the talking and crowds just made it worse. Lunch would be your deciding factor. If eating with your friends managed to make you feel better, you’d stay. You guys usually only spent a couple of minutes in the cafeteria before heading to the parking lot to hang out in one of your cars. If you still felt as manic after, then you’d just ditch your last two classes and go home. Of course, you would actually need to walk into the cafeteria to accomplish either. Staring through one of the rectangular windows of the cafeteria doors that usually remained shut—the ones directly across from them were considered the main entrance—you could see Eddie’s curly head poking out from amongst his table. You turned your head and could see Judy’s long, honey colored hair on the other side of the cafeteria, where you guys sat for your brief time there. You knew from your seat, you’d have an ideal view of Eddie and that probably wouldn’t be good for you today.

Maybe you could just wait for them in the hall. “What are you doing?” “JESUS!” You jumped as your heart nearly stopped, flipping around to face Eden. “I didn’t hear you coming, what are you doing on this side anyways?” You tried to immediately redirect the conversation before she could ask anymore questions. She raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow, eyes scanning over you. You tried to appear nonchalant, but you knew she could see right through you. “Nancy finally let us go. And this entrance is much closer. You never answered my question.” Eden was an advice columnist for the school newspaper. Her brutal honesty was good for more than just hurting feelings. “I just wanted to see if somebody was already in there, before going in. Look, I’ll tell you and Judy more later, but I’m trying to be inconspicuous here.” And you would tell them later. Now that you got your confirmation, it was time to vent. “Oh, inconspicuous,” She repeated, nodding in understanding. Then, because this was Eden, she slammed the doors wide open. You winced as you heard them make impact with the cafeteria walls, but Eden payed them no mind as she made her way over to the table. Heads were already turning in your direction, so with a quick curse, you hurried to catch up with her. “Thanks for being inconspicuous, you bitch.” You hissed, with no real malice, as you moved to sit in the seat next to her. She just laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. “You good?” Judy asked, eyebrows furrowing as her gaze flickered between the two of you. “She’s having boy trouble.” Eden answered, sitting tensely in the cafeteria chairs. Her stiff posture in public always made your back hurt. “Okay, how the hell did you know that?” It scared you how perceptive she could be, and all she’d seen was you looking through a shitty window. “I just can.”

“Is it Eddie?” Judy leaned across the table, trying to not look as interested as she was. You opened your mouth to try and steer the conversation, but Eden again beat you to it. “Munson? Really?” “Oh, yeah, they were in the back of his van together at Steve’s party on Friday.” Oh, god. “Shut the fuck up, Eddie had her in his van?” “Mhm. Nothing happened though, they weren’t all sweaty. He gave her the cold shoulder, right after, too. I went out to find her after I got into it with Steve.” “Okay!” You finally piped in, glancing at the rest of the occupants of the table. You sat with a few other cheerleaders—the guys, specifically—but other than Judy and her younger sister Clover, none of you really liked each other enough to pay your conversations any mind. Still, you’d rather not test that today. “Lets go, we are so not talking about this in here.” You all gathered your things and left the cafeteria in favor of the parking lot. Judy’s Bronco was the most spacious out of all your cars, so that’s where you spent the rest of lunch, curled into the passenger seat while Eden was sprawled out on the backseat.

“Would you guys have kissed?” Eden asked after you had told them the whole story, including today’s uncomfortable hallway confrontation. “On Friday, I mean. Before, Killjoy over here ruined it.” Judy groaned from her place, leaning back against the driver’s door. “I already apologized, and I would also like to reiterate that it was not me who forced him to act like she wasn’t even there when I showed up.” “I think so.” You could remember how close he was, how you could feel his breath on your lips, it had felt very much so like you were gonna get kissed. “I just can’t wrap my mind around why he’d act like that, though. It’s like someone flipped a switch.”

“He probably didn’t want it to be a public thing. Like with Jenna Clark.” That caught your attention. Jenna was on your cheer squad, a pretty strawberry blonde who spent a lot of time with the jocks, something you couldn’t really stomach too long considering how douche-like a lot of them were.

She also had a nice rack. You were pretty sure, they came with a recovery plan, because there was no way she grew those during summer break. “What does she have to do with anything?” You could feel that sense of dread forming in your stomach again. “She and Eddie hooked up last month. I heard her telling Sylvia about it in the locker room. Their whole thing was very mums the word, but his hook ups always are. Pretty sure he had a thing with Crystal and Andie, too.” At your silence, Judy glanced up and you could see the moment she realized maybe you were a little more invested in Eddie than you were letting on, she got this concerned look on her face, and leaned forward to take your hand. “Sweetie,” Boy, did it feel like your heart was meant to just fucking shatter today. “I’m only telling you this because I want you to be aware, I’m not trying to hurt your feelings. It’s like, it’s kind of a known thing in the squad. That he has a thing for cheerleaders. And they might think he’s a freak but… but I’m pretty sure—“ “They think he’s hot.” You finished for her, gripping onto her hand. So, the good thing was your mania had definitely subsided. Bad news, it was replaced by a sense of numbness. Maybe it was because you like to torture yourself, but your mind flashed back to all those times you’d seen him be cordial and polite to some of the girls on the squad, how you had been sure at the time it was just part of his personality to flirt, how chivalrous he was. You could remember Jenna Clark and Alyssa Peters walking past Eddie during one of his rants, and you thought you imagined the way his eyes seemed to have followed her. It had been a very brief glance, but now that you knew of his…interests, you knew better. “I,” You sighed out, leaning back so your head hit the window. “Am really fucking stupid.” Judy and Eden both protested in your defense.

“We’re not saying don’t go for it, maybe he was just giving you an out if you wanted one,” Eden offered up. “But if you don’t want an out, clearly he was interested and you meet the qualifications, so you can mess around. You can still swap spit with him, after all .” “No,” There was no hiding how upset you were, or more so sad than anything. “I don’t want to meet the qualifications, I don’t want to just swap spit with him, and I don’t want to be just another whatever to him.”

The rest of lunch was spent with your two best friends attempting to comfort you. When the bell rang, they went to class. You went home.

Your mom was a night nurse and your father was a supervisor at the plant, conveniently also at night. They usually got home right about when you and your little brother got up for school, and then they’d go to bed once you’d leave. They were still asleep when you got home, so it made it pretty easy to go undetected. You stayed in your room for the remainder of the night with the resolve that you’d force yourself to get the fuck over it. The rest of the week blurred by. Your time at school was spent avoiding Eddie at all costs, other than your shared class, you wanted no contact with him. No more seeing him in passing, no more staring at him in the cafeteria, you were cutting yourself off cold turkey. Rather than meet up with Eden and Judy before lunch, you immediately started eating in your car and would just wait for them to show. Undoing all the changes you had made to your daily life schedule so you could get little glimpses at him in the first place proved to be difficult. You had used to love the fact that you made it so you passed him pretty frequently in-between your classes, but now you had to go out of your way to avoid certain routes and time your classroom exits just right. Every time you felt like you had finally managed to find a good alternative route, he’d suddenly pop up in it. You were gonna need to bring an inhaler for the amount of times you’d had to double back and still get to your classes before the final bell.

Cheer practice was somehow worse. Down-bad-you from the past had thought changing the time you drank water in-between reps was insignificant, but as time went on, your body had become accustomed to exactly when it was you decided to rehydrated, and varsity cheer was no fucking joke, especially as a flyer. Since you had timed your water breaks to match up with Eddie leaving Hellfire, you thought it would be easy peasy to just wait for the guy to get in his van and drive off, but no. In fact, he seemed to have developed a habit of just sitting in his van for ten minutes before he left. Those ten minutes that you avoided going over to the side of the field where you all had to leave your things—including your big ass water bottle—were usually spent in the early stages of hallucination. You swore you almost passed out once.

But it was worth it, because you stuck to your metaphorical guns. Your friends were proud of you, and while you still felt shitty—‘out of sight, out of mind’ doesn’t apply to Metal Heads who go out of their way to keep you company while you’re coming down from a high and make you feel special without being creepy—you did feel better about knowing your worth, and not settling for anything less than what you deserved.

You managed to keep it up for two whole freaking weeks. The longer it went on, the easier it became to ignore the aches in your chest that stubbornly refused to go away. Home life got a little more complicated as well. For some god-awful reason, your grandmother had moved out of her old folk’s home and into yours. You would have had no problem with that except she’s the reason behind most of your trauma and a raging bitch. She was one of those women who lived and breathed the idea that men were the superior of the sexes and a woman’s place was at his beck and call. It was also apparent in her treatment of you and your little brother, Timmy.

She treated him like he was the second fucking coming of Ritchie Valens, and you like you were fucking Cinderella. Back when she watched you while your parents worked, you’d been forced to scrub the house from top to bottom, but the moment Timmy became old enough to do chores, all she did was force him to relax and watch cartoons. She’d also been the one to convince your parents to do what they did. To let them take you like that. Ugh, fuck, you were so not going down that road. You had to give up your room on the bottom floor in favor of the upstairs free room, on the opposite side of the house. With that much distance between you and the hag, you were happy to. Plus, it was on the dipping side of your large, shed style home so you could easily use the tree near your window to sneak in and out as you pleased. That’s how you had escaped your home after your parents had left for work. Saturday night found you at Betty Jean’s house, packed with bodies, beer, and some very water downed vodka. Clearly, some of the guys had been duped, but the music was spectacular, the tequila was legit so everyone was having a good time. Except you. You looked the part, lips curved into a gentle smile, courtesy of the weed you had used to hot box your bug. Not nearly enough to have you loopy, but you were slightly more relaxed.

Judy couldn’t get out of her shift at the arcade, and Eden was babysitting her siblings with her boyfriend, Argyle. You weren’t keen on spending your valuable weekend time with that old bitch, so you’d decided to stick with a couple of the other girls from cheer that you could tolerate. They’d been droning on and on about who was gonna ask who to the winter formal—still months away—and who would be crowned snowflake queen and king. You had just started zoning out when a girl brushed past you to get to the chips, the smell of weed wafting into your nose. Not just any weed; some very strong smelling weed.

That could only mean Eddie was nearby. Suddenly, the entire atmosphere felt stifling as you feared a possible run in. What would you do? What would you say? Nope. You abandoned the gross beer you’d been sipping on the counter and pushed your way out the front door, taking a few moments to calm yourself once outside. Betty Jean had a huge front yard complete with a water fountain that put most malls to shame and just so happened to look like a really nice sitting spot, so you helped yourself, staring down at your moonlight enhanced reflection. It was a pretty peaceful atmosphere. The music was muffled, there was a nice little breeze going on, could have turned out to be a good night after all. “That’s three parties, now.” Came a voice from behind you, and your heart once more seized before restarting once you recognized who the voice belonged to. “Jesus, Eddie!” You shifted around to face the house and the boy leaning against it.

He gave you a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Sorry. Guess, I’m used to treading lightly.” It was so bad, but you couldn’t help the way you wanted to smile. You didn’t because you weren’t going to give him the satisfaction, but you wanted to. An awkward silence followed, and your gaze dropped to the grass as a sense of uneasiness filled you. You had thought it was just you who felt. . . some kind of way about your predicament, but there was tension coming from him, too. It’s why you couldn’t look up at him, you knew if you did, you’d find him staring daggers into your soul. “How are you?”

“A-Alright, I guess. How are you?” God, it was painful. “You’re avoiding me.” Okay, that’s definitely not an answer to your question. You hadn’t even expected him to notice.

You opened your mouth, ready to deny it and maybe gaslight him a little when the intensity of his stare stopped you. It was a face you were familiar with, and not in a good way. It was the unreadable one, the one he’d quickly morphed into when Judy had yanked open those van doors, bursting in on your moment. Guarded. He knew you were going to lie. Was expecting it. No point in it now. “Yes.” Eddie didn’t say anything right away, just kept staring at you. Then he nodded, finished with whatever mental conversation he’d been having with himself. “Was it something I did?” He finally asked. You thought about lying again, then remembered he’d see right through it, somehow.

“Yes.” He didn’t look happy with the answer, and before he could respond, you continued, spurred on by a burst of bravery. “It didn’t feel like nothing. You said it was, but it didn’t feel like that to me. I’m not naive enough to say that it was like fireworks or something, because we haven’t even physically touched, but it felt a lot like something was gonna happen. Not nothing. Even when you couldn’t look at me after, it still didn’t. Of course, now I know why it meant nothing to you. Just another cheer skirt, right?” Eddie’s guarded expression fell away, surprise taking its place as he soaked in the words you couldn’t take back. At least you hadn’t told him about your little admiration problem. “What? No!” You scoffed, turning back around to face the fountain. “I know all about Jenna and Crystal and Andie. If you want to make your way through the cheer roster, that’s fine, good for you really,” Though in your head, you begged him not to do that, it would hurt your feelings really badly and probably have a lasting impression on you for the rest of your life. “But I’m a little too invested in you to just bend over and stand up every once in a while. So, that’s why I’m avoiding you.” You got up, ready to make a dramatic exit. You didn’t even get to take two steps when he had you stopping. “I didn’t know about your investment.” “What?” “You said you’re too invested in me to just fuck, right?” Oh, god. Sure, you had implied it but you didn’t say it. You had to get away from him and you had to do it fast. “I didn’t know that.” He used his foot to push himself away from the house, towards you. You couldn’t move. “I don’t know if it’s something about the hair, but I just seem to attract girls who force merriness on people. I’m not trying to go through the whole cheer group-’’ “Squad.” You corrected. “-squad. Jenna and Andie happened. But it was purely transactional with Crystal. Not that kind of transactional.” You knew he was a dealer, but for some reason your mind went flying to prostitution. “And I might attract them, but they didn’t really wanna parade around with the school pariah, you know? It was just sex. Whatever it is we had going on, they wanted it to mean nothing, which I was fine with. And I-uh, assumed, you would too. Only I could tell you were ignoring me the second you walked into Mrs. Boucher’s on Monday. Then, when I caught up to you in the hallway, you didn’t even look like you wanted to talk to me. So I figured you weren’t interested.”

Oh, how wrong he was. You played with the rings on your fingers, nipping at your lower lip. “I wouldn’t say that.” You gaze returned to the water fountain as he neared you. If you had kept your attention on him, you would have seen the the subtle change in him, would have seen him perk up.

“I think you’re really cool, Eddie. I always have. Thought you might have thought the same about me in the van, then you got taken over by the pod people when Judy came around. Figured you might have been embarrassed of me or something, so I tried to avoid you at school after. Only it’s surprisingly hard to.” Your heart fluttered when he chuckled. “I’ve been chasing you around since.” He admitted, now right freaking in front of you. “I know I said it was nothing, but it wasn’t. Not to me, either. See, the thing is I’ve had this crush on you since my sophomore year. It only got worse when you started acknowledging my existence when we’d pass each other or see each other at school. When you stopped showing up, I thought you’d moved away and I was so fucking sad, man. Then you came back, suddenly the world had light to it again.” Eddie didn’t mention how you seemed to lack that light when you returned to school; how his outbursts got more frequent that year in an attempt to make you laugh since you looked to unhappy. “All those little hellos, waves, and smiles? They got me through a lot. Hell—if you weren’t in first period now, I wouldn’t even bother showing up.” Your brows furrowed in confusion. “Don’t you need to graduate?” “Well, yeah. But I’m pretty good at mathematics, I don’t really bother with the homework, usually just ace the tests she gives. Yours truly has a B in that class. It’s the rest that fuck with me. I show up to see you, not to do any actual work.” You shook your head, lips stretching up into a smile as you turned away from him in an attempt to keep him from observing it.

“I didn’t think you’d want your friends to know. That’s just how it usually goes.” He continues, his voice sounding unusually quiet, timid.

The urge to comfort and reassure him is too strong. Despite the racing of your heart—desperately hoping for something to happen, no doubt—you didn’t move away. In fact, you met his eyes and the vulnerability in them took your breath away. He wasn’t guarded anymore. Not right then. Not with you. They were pleading for you to understand. You did. You’ve seen what he’d been subjected to, the cruel and unwarranted (mostly) treatment and taunting. A few physical fights and more harassment than most people would ever experience. The occurrences had dropped significantly that year, but still. The Social Hierarchy is something that Hawkins would probably never be able to outgrow. You couldn’t blame most people for being victims to it, either. You had once been swept up in it. Had he been interacting with the sophomore year you—the first time, not the second—he would have been correct. You’d been engulfed in the popularity construct. Not necessarily popular, but desperate to save any kind of face. That meant you wouldn’t have been able to be seen with Eddie in any sort of public setting. That wasn’t you anymore. “I don’t care if people know. Besides, my friends aren’t the kind to care about the kind of stuff.” Eden was also considered an outcast and a frequent victim of Payton Alabaster, the meanest bitch (and you meant ‘mean’ in a mediocre mean girl type of way, you had no trouble putting her in her place) in school. Labeled a ‘basket case’ for her defiance against her family’s religion as well as all the dark clothes she wore, Eden was also one of your best friends and you‘d be damned if you let anyone’s wrong opinion of her keep you away. She actually reminded you a lot of Eddie.

“That’s a first for me.” Eddie finally choked out after a few moments of silence. He slipped past you, making sure to brush against your side, as he took a seat on the fountain. You watched as he pulled a carton of cigarettes from his pocket, slipping one out and between his lips. He gestured to the spot next to him as he lit it.

Despite your hatred for the smell of cigarettes, you sat down next to him, eyes dancing over his illuminated features. Who knew when you’d get the chance again? You were definitely still a little high, if you were being this brave. “What are you doing?” He asked, smiling around the cigarette.

“I’m admiring you.” Like you’d done so many times from afar. It felt like you were healing something in you to be able to do it this close. “Admiring me?” He sounded overtly incredulous as he pulled the cigarette away to exhale the smoke into the night air. “What exactly is there to admire this time around?” Initially, you wanted to play coy. You were never one to feed a mans ego, most of your affection was shown through your teasing, and honestly you didn’t like being vulnerable. But you had a feeling Eddie had rarely received praise.

“A lot, actually. Beyond your edgy fashion sense, and your pretty hair, your eyes are the first thing that catch my attention. They’re stupid pretty. Like illegally so. There’s this saying that eyes are like the windows to emotion or something, and I always thought that was fucking stupid ‘cause I can hide my emotions really well; however, when I look at yours, I can get a read on how you’re feeling. They give you away. And they’re so very Bambi like.” His eyebrows quirked up as the corners of his smile stretched impossibly wider. The cigarette was dangling between his fingers. He wouldn’t be able to keep it between his mouth with how hard he was grinning. As distracting as it was, you didn’t let it stop you. “Your face is very expressive, too. It’s always fascinating to watch you talk about something; even if I can’t hear what it’s about, I can tell how much you like it or how much you hate it, just by the faces you make. Your dimples are pretty endearing, too.”

Holding eye contact with him proved to be a little intense for you, your palms began to sweat the longer he stared at you.

“A-And you gesture a lot.” Your hands weaved around in the air, in a gesture that meant nothing. “With your hands, like this. It-It’s really something because, I’ve heard you speak before and you never seem nervous, more like you’re sure about what you’re talking about so the fact that you can converse with both your mouth and your hands—at the same time—is just really fascinating to me. Because I can’t. I’ve got to do one or the other, really. Usually, I just start talking and hope for the best, you know? I don’t even fully think of what I’m gonna say. Or I ramble. I start to ramble, like I’m doing now. The point is: you’re really pretty, Eddie.” You breathed out, shaking your head to try and bring some sense back. “Sorry for the monologue.”

The music from the house provides some background noise to fill the silence as Eddie ran a hand over his face, hand pausing over his mouth as he grinned like a mad man into it. “Well, goddamn. You got me blushing, Trix. Again.” It feels like you’re picking up right where you left off that night in his van. You’d been trying to let him know you noticed him then, too. You groaned at the use of the new nickname he’d bestowed upon you. “You’re never gonna let me live that down, are you?” “How can I? You don’t know how fucking cute you looked in that costume.”

You felt your stomach turn in the most pleasant of ways when he called you cute. Those damn butterflies.

“We’re talking about you, not me.”

“Fine, then please tell me more about my Bambi eyes.” “Out of everything I said, that’s what caught your attention?” He lifted the cigarette back up to his lips. “Well, yes. See, apparently, I have my mom’s eyes. And much like the young prince of the forest, mine is dead, so the similarities between us aren’t lost on me. Hearing you talk about them like that, I don’t know—I guess it makes me feel kind of proud.”

He shifted around, pulling his wallet from his back pocket. From one of the slots in the sides, he pulled out a small photo, running his thumb over the subject before he offered it to you.

You made sure to handle it with a gentle touch as you looked it over. The photograph’s edges were frayed, and there were numerous creases but the subjects were still clear. It was of a woman, holding a toddler up to her face. Their cheeks were smooshed together as they both beamed at the camera—though the toddler was obviously mid laugh. She looked surprisingly young, she couldn’t have been older than 25 in it, with brown hair and a fringe framing her face. Her big brown eyes gleamed with happiness, the same eyes as the child she held. The resemblance was uncanny, you would’ve been able to tell she was Eddie’s mother even if he hadn’t told you they had the same eyes.

“You don’t just have the same eyes, Eddie. You two practically have the same face! She’s so beautiful.” You couldn’t tear your eyes away. “Thank you.” For some reason, you hadn’t been expecting him to respond, so you looked up at him and were once more caught by surprise to see that tender look on his face—the same one he had when he’d been close enough to kiss in the confines of his van. “What’s her name?”

Eddie licked his lips, swallowing hard at the way you didn’t refer to her in past tense, like it didn’t matter that she wasn’t around anymore because she had been at one point. “Penelope. Everyone called her Penny, though.”

“Penny,” You echoed, nodding once the name rolled off your tongue. “Yup, that sounds like it fits her.” Eddie laughed. “Alright, whatever you say, Thumper.” “Stop referring to me by various rabbit characters!” You handed the photograph back to him, trying to ignore the tingle that shot up your spine when his fingers brushed against yours. “No can do. I’m the freak, you’re the bunny. Labels stick, sweetheart.” He put out the stub of the cigarette against the stone of the fountain seat before throwing it into the water. “Think I can make a wish off of that?” “No, Eddie. I don’t think wishing on trash is a thing.” He let out a dramatic sigh before shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t need it, anyways. Things are starting to look up.” You hands moved to rest on either side of your thighs as you nibbled on your lower lip.

You could hear Human Nature begin to play inside, and it amused you that Michael would be the soundtrack to your little trauma story. He’d shared something personal with you, maybe it was only fair to do the same. Be as exposed as he had allowed you to see him. “My grandma recently moved in with us. I’ve never really wished bad upon anyone before—like okay, I mean death—but I wouldn’t mind if she expired already.” You knew how bad it sounded, normal people didn’t want their grandparents to die. But those people didn’t have her for theirs’. “We never really got along, she’s very dated. But she’s got this iron chokehold on my dad, always guilts him into shit. My mom doesn’t say anything because she knows how much my dad loves her but, uhm, I never really conformed to her idea of the woman I should have become. In fact, we’d argue a lot. The beginning of my sophomore year—the first one—we got into this huge fight at a family dinner. It was pretty bad. I didn’t think much of it because I figured my parents knew how she was and they knew how I was so they would just let it settle. But they didn’t. She convinced them I was like, out of control or something. That I would spiral into a life of drugs, sex, and instability.” You took a deep breath, willing your voice not to shake. “Then one day, I woke up in the middle of the night to strangers shaking me awake. At first I thought someone broke in, then I saw my parents watching in the doorway. They dragged me out of the house, locked me in a car, and a twelve hour drive later, I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, with a bunch of other teenagers who’d also been taken. They’re called wilderness therapy camps, or something like that, for teens. Cut you off from the world. You get to hear from your family once a month, if even that." You could feel the wetness pooling at your waterline as you remembered every single detail during your forced stay in the shitty ‘camp’. All they did was make you feel isolated and work you to the bone. By law, you hadn’t been kidnapped. But for six months, you’d been forced to do whatever a group of strangers said or risk punishment, forced to smile in pictures they sent to your family after you’d spent the entire night and day crying, and wishing for nothing more than the comfort of your home. “Jesus fucking christ, how is that legal?” The anger in Eddie’s voice came as a shock to you. His whole body was tense, his jaw locked as he listened to you recount how your parents had allowed strangers to abduct you from your bed and hold you in the wilderness against your will for months.

“I don’t know, but I wish it wasn’t.”

Eddie was fuming, and berating himself for not having known you sooner. Hell, if he had even known the reason you stopped showing up to school in the first place, he would have made it his mission to find you, to break you out of there and bring you home. “I tried running away a couple of times, but I’d just get lost. And there were mountain lions in the area.” Your first encounter with one had scared the shit out of you since you thought it’d kill you. Ironically enough, you were hoping for that during your last encounter with one. Anything to end the misery that had become your zombie like existence. But it hadn’t been in the mood. “My parents had some sort of breakdown over it, and they demanded me back six months later. School was still going on, but the year was almost over and I was so behind in work. I didn’t really feel like . . .” Living. Existing, “. . . going to school. So I just started over in the fall.” “Fuck—C’mere.” Eddie sounded broken as he pulled you into his side, arms wrapping tightly around your frame. Judy and Eden had offered you comfort when you’d finally told them about what happened, but something about Eddie’s embrace felt different. You melted immediately into his arms, inhaling the scent of him, even the cigarette smell that lingered on his clothes was appealing to you. Only because it was him. It was comforting. He was. He let his head lean up against yours as his large hand rubbed up and down your back, warming you even through the fabric of your clothes. The song had switched to something much slower, something gentle that you couldn’t recognize and you recalled your earlier thought about the night turning out nice. Eventually and very reluctantly, you pulled away. Climbing out of his lap somehow felt more intimate than when he had pulled you onto it. You were all too aware of his hands settling onto your hips to ensure you remained balanced, and for a moment your mind wondered what they’d feel like over your bare hips, fingertips digging into your sweat slick skin as they’d guide you ruthlessly up and down on his— “Guess the grass isn’t greener on the other side, huh?” He commented, eyes still honed in on you as you snapped out of your terribly timed fantasy.

“No,” You cleared your throat, willing your body to cool itself. You're grateful for the breeze. “No, I guess not. But it’s always nice to spill your guts to a stranger. Metaphorically.” “A stranger? I tell you about my dead mom, and you refer to me as a stranger?” Eddie placed a hand over his chest to appear wounded as his mouth dropped open, eyes wide in amusement and disbelief. “I told you about being practically abducted!” It was so fucked up given the subjects, but you couldn’t keep the grin off your face. “Still doesn’t mean you know me well!” “Did you happen to hear anything about the crush I’ve had on you for years, or are we ignoring that for creative purposes, too?” That little tidbit of knowledge would NEVER be lost on you. If tonight proved to be your last night on earth, you’d go willingly knowing Eddie Munson had a crush on you. “Maybe you liked the idea of me more than the actual me. The same could apply to how I feel about you.” You mused, though you were positive that wasn’t the case. There wasn’t much he could do that would change how you felt about him, and that kind of terrified you. Watching him from afar was one thing, but now you were in the danger zone. You’d gotten a little taste of the hurt that could come from this when you thought he’d just been messing around with you, this guy could do some serious damage to your emotions. Eddie rolled his head one way and then another, cracking his neck as he sighed. He hadn’t really known where this was going to go when he’d decided to confront you. Actually, he thought you’d tell him to fuck off, maybe throw an insult his way before disappearing from his life completely like he noticed you were already attempting to do. When you hadn’t done that, and instead had confessed that you liked him in a romantic sort of way—you hadn’t really said that but Eddie wasn’t a moron, he could read between the lines—he was ready to skip to the kissing and living happily ever after but you were right. Other than the growing affection, you two didn’t really know each other. He hated that. “So, what happens next then?” It was scary, giving you all the power but so much of it had been taken from you in regards to your life. If he could give you just a little more sense of control over your life, even if you decided that he wasn’t worth it, he’d gladly suffer. Just for you; he’d give you the chance to break him, like so many others had in one way or another. He watched you with bated breath as you stared intensely into the water of the fountain, plump lips pursing in consideration. You were torn. There was a part of you that wanted to throw caution to the wind and yourself at him, grab him while you could and run. But what if he didn’t end up liking you as much as he thought he did? What if it didn’t work out and you were left feeling stupid for getting swept up into some teen angst? You’d barely started talking to him but you found him so winsome. You were positive you could use someone like him in your life, but were you willing to risk losing him in the future because of some break up? You’d never been able to be friends with you exes before, and despite how charming he was, there was no way you’d be able to be around him if you’d fallen in love with him at some point only to break up. “I’d really like to be your friend.” You whispered, raising your eyes to lock with his. Eddie could feel the disappointment sinking into his bones and weighing heavy on his chest. He hadn’t expected you to just pick him. For some reason, it still hurt. But he’d take you any way he could get you, and if you wanted to be friends, then he’d become your best fucking friend. Maybe there would be a chance for the two of you in the future. His tongue licked over his top lip as he nodded a couple of times. “I’d like to be your friend, too.” Despite the bittersweet circumstances, you both smiled as you held your hand out to him. “Friends then, Bambi?” You teased, waiting for him to shake it.

Eddie took your much smaller hand into his, and you were surprised by just how soft his palms were, despite the roughness of his finger pads. The metal of his rings felt cool against your skin. “Friends, Thumper.”

“Friends don’t refer to friends as animal characters.”

“You literally just called me Bambi, you raging hypocrite.” He pulled his hand away to poke at your shoulder. “That doesn’t count, you compared yourself to Bambi; therefore, you accepted his title.” “It’s cute how you waited until after I agreed to be your friend to reveal that you’re actually incredibly manipulative.” “You’re lucky I didn’t wait until after the wedding.” You joked, nearly pissing yourself in relief when he laughed at it because you’d wanted to shove it back into your mouth as soon as it came out.

You had a feeling being friends with Eddie would be challenging, but you could do it.

Or at least, you really hoped you could.

────

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mondorock · 7 years

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If you live in Melbourne, you’ll know that the name Eliza Bingham, is synonymous with elite fitness. Having spent over fifteen years working with the body through Remedial Massage and Personal Training, Eliza is now at a level in her career and life, where the value of her experience’s lifts other women to find their true wellness potential.

Like any successful entrepreneur, Eliza has had her fair share of struggles in the past, but has NEVER given up on pursuing her dreams and living the life of her wildest imagination.

In 2010, she was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease, an autoimmune condition where the body attacks the thyroid, slowing down her metabolism and often left her feeling exhausted, full of aches and pains. She spent THREE years visiting Naturopaths and doctors, trying EVERYTHING they suggested to get into the best shape of her life – despite the fact they told her she should give up her dreams of competing in the fitness arena, and perhaps consider a career change.

Aside from running her successful PT business out of Fitness First Richmond, Eliza offers Online Coaching Programs, Corporate Events, Fitness Retreats and has just released a brand new book “BOSSWOMAN: Take back control of your body and life”. While that is her main focus, she’s always working hard on new collaborations, workshops, competitions, retreat planning, up-skilling and being a bad-ass brand ambassador for Eden Health Foods organic protein supplements!

Eliza in a relaxed state during her Bali #BOSSWOMAN retreat last year

In this interview, I talk to Eliza about her journey out of sickness, uplifting others, and what she has in store for the next 12 months.

M.E. “You’ve had an incredible journey in the health & fitness arena so far, including sculpting your own body despite having an autoimmune disease. How did you manage to find the strength to rise up to where you are now?”

E.B. “I felt constantly tired as my body tried to fight the illness. Originally I went to see the GP, who told me that the best solution was to stay on medication for the rest of my life, reconsider my career and accept the fact that I was going to continuously GAIN weight. They also told me I should give up my dream of wanting to compete [in body sculpting] as my body wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure. My intuition told me that I shouldn’t take that for an answer, that I shouldn’t ACCEPT that, so I looked for alternatives.

“Being in the health industry, there are always ways that you can improve and turn things around. Who’s to tell me what I can do with my body and my life?” – Eliza Bingham

When the GP told me that, I thought to myself, this is Bull****! I’m such a driven person, and I’m used to just go go go; I didn’t want to give up then and there and I searched for answers. I saw a Naturopath, and was then put onto an integrative specialist who I worked with for two years and constantly tried new approaches to fix it. During my research, I came across a book on Adrenal Fatigue and felt like that aligned so much more with what was going on in my body, so I took matters into my own hands and came out on top.

“Though not a medical practitioner, I became the CEO of my own body and was able to reverse my illness and the impact it was having on my lifestyle and freedom to live to my fullest potential.” – Eliza Bingham

One of the many competitions that Eliza has gone on to compete in

M.E. “You’ve obviously been through a lot in your life, is there anyone in particular who inspires you to keep breaking new ground? ”

E.B. “To be honest, I feel like it’s a continuum of people that come into my life that I’m inspired by. It’s not like I actively go out and look for these people, but we just seem to cross paths in some way of another.

Some of the people that have inspired me most have been my business coach and my competition coach, but I guess my inspiration for continuously going and never stopping; that would be my parents. My Mum and my Dad. The inspiration comes from their belief in me.

“My inspiration for continuously going and never stopping; that would be my parents. My Mum and my Dad. The inspiration comes from their belief in me.” – Eliza Bingham

I’ve fallen over, and made some ridiculous mistakes, (money mistakes, business mistakes) that have cost me a lot in terms of either finances or where I was headed, and done some things that were completely wrong for me and it’s been great to always have their support. We have a very open relationship, so they know exactly who I am and what I’m all about.

They’ve never stopped being excited for me, they’ve never stopped believing in me, they’re always there for me when I need them. If there are ever times I doubt myself, they will help remind me who I am and where I came from, and remind me of how much I’ve done and achieved already. That kind of love and support just motives me.”

Eliza with her Parents who continually offer their unconditional love and support

M.E. “Having been in the personal training industry for over a decade, from your experience, why do you think most people don’t go on to achieve the results they have set out to?

E.B. “Most people don’t spend enough time focusing on what they want, and might like their life to be, or what they want their body to look like. They don’t spend enough time getting specific with that, and when you don’t know where you’re going, you can’t map out the plan to get there.

“A lot of people talk about a want of being healthy and fit, but how can you get there if you don’t know specifically what that really means to you, or what it looks like in your life. Instead, so many people whinge, or b**** or moan about what they DON’T have in their life, or why they’re not where they want to be, yet they haven’t figured out exactly where they want to get to. ” – Eliza Bingham

I find some people just have lack of self-awareness of what they actually want to achieve. They might have a physical goal they want to achieve which is great, but often it goes deeper into the emotional and mental reasons behind that goal that are the ones we work on to truly achieve the first part.

The better you know your goal, the more you say it out loud; the more focused you can be. If you can become not only focused on WHAT you want, but WHY you want it – then you will be a lot more successful. Women are mentally and emotionally stimulated, so to just have a physical body goal, is often not enough.”

M.E. “What holds them back?”

E.B. “A lot of the time it comes down to self-love, self-worth and self-respect. Once they have figured out what they want, there’s often a massive gap between SAYING what they want, and then putting those steps toward it into action. People can often know what they want, SAY what they want, but prefer just talking about it and watching it grow further and further out of reach by not taking action – myself included!

M.E. “What is your best advice for achieving goals?”

E.B. “My best advice for achieving goals is to become self-aware of what you truly want, then get specific about how you’re going to get there, and TAKE ACTION.

“Its time to change, and I need someone to help me do this.” – Eliza Bingham

If you need help, don’t be afraid to seek it out or ask it. If the goal was easy, then you would have achieved it already. My personal training clients have ups and downs, and we get real with each other. We talk about things they are doing right and wrong, and I give them honest feedback in a supportive way. If they decide one day they want to have a chocolate bar, or stop in at Macca’s on the way home, they need to own that and not regret it. There’s no point in beating yourself up on something small like that, because tomorrow is a new day and you must have down’s, and setbacks to enjoy the success of a win. The roller-coaster ride is important.

“You can choose to focus on the one bad thing you did wrong and let it run your days, OR you can chose to own your s***, let it go, and move on. There’s a lot of power in owning your choice” – Eliza Bingham

Sometimes you just need to simplify your s***. You have to OWN all of your decisions and then let them go – good and bad. Think about ONE thing you can do in the day that will help towards your goal when it starts to overwhelm you. It might be to go for a ten minute walk, to eat well, or to drink more water. It’s better to simplify the whole process then to get into that negative cycle of beating yourself up over one little thing you did wrong.”

Self-love, Self-respect and Self-Awareness are KEY elements of Eliza’s Success

M.E. “You’re currently training PT clients out of Richmond Fitness First, but I see you also offer corporate events and retreats; where do you see yourself progressing in the next 12-18 months?”

E.B. “My Queensland retreats are something I definitely want to blow up more. I’ve got two this year, and am planning for six next year. From there, I want to increase them by two each year at a minimum. I want to grow and expand, but keep true to the driving force of the #BOSSWOMAN escape retreats. A huge element of the retreats, is that I include a surprise at each retreat. As I grow, and learn more and unfold my self, I can add new dimensions to each of the coming retreats. I’ll always be adding something new, something that hasn’t been done at the previous one. The retreats are a great opportunity to bring women together in a fun, supportive environment, and learn powerful methods to enhance their lives, grow their minds and challenge their bodies.

Aside from the BOSSWOMAN escapes, I’ve got my self made body project which is a six-week coaching system I offer women that can’t come to the retreats or aren’t based in Melbourne. Through this, I educate women how to manage their own bodies from the knowledge and experience that has shaped my life and career.

“It’s an investment in yourself, like any course of study or education.” – Eliza Bingham

You walk away not only with enhanced knowledge of health and fitness, but also a greater understanding of YOU.”

M.E. “When you have free time; you’re not training, teaching or being the #BOSSWOMAN that we all know and love you for, what do you do to unwind and refocus?”

E.B. “Journaling is a massive part of every single day, and I also like to hibernate sometimes. I’m such a giver, and spend so much time around people, that sometimes I just need time alone to recharge completely, allowing myself to give my all again.

It’s also a chance where I like to date myself. It’s a super important part of what I do, and what I teach. I like to do things for other people, but I’ve got to do things for myself as well.

“It doesn’t matter what happens in the world, I’ve always got me”

I’m always telling people how important self-love and self-care are, and when that’s lacking for me, I can’t give my all. I always practice what I preach.

I also love to travel and eat. Food is a big part of who I am. I think everyone knows how much I love Hunky Dory sweet potato fries and Messina ice cream. I get tagged [on Facebook] in a lot of posts at these places. Competing has taught me a lot about discipline, but when I’m not training for that, I enjoy people, and self-love, stepping through my own fears and of course – food.

Life is meant to be enjoyed, and you don’t know when your time is up; so if you don’t LOVE what you’re doing daily, then what’s the point!”

“Did somebody say sweet potato fries?” Eliza about to devour one of her fav treats

M.E. “Lastly, if you had ONE piece of advice to share for other budding entrepreneurs in the wellness sector, what would it be?”

E.B. “Stay true to YOU. There’s nobody else that can be you, there’s only ONE you. Be honest, stay real. You can listen to everyone else’s opinion in the world, but in the end, you have to listen to yourself.” – Eliza Bingham

Hope you enjoyed the read, and are feeling inspired the path of this dedicated Personal Trainer. If you are in Melbourne and looking to reach YOUR health and fitness goals, contact Eliza through her Facebook page for a private chat. Additionally, she is running a FREE workshop this Saturday at Richmond Fitness First, and has a #BOSSWOMAN escape coming up in July.

Love & light,

Monique Elouise xx

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: PERSONAL TRAINER If you live in Melbourne, you'll know that the name Eliza Bingham, is synonymous with elite fitness.

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