#Exactly how to do that. HS is stressed and pissed off at genuine things but this ISN'T THE TIME but the fucking fire has been lit

[tigerdrop]

But what if you said more about HS Jamie tho

okay but you must know, first of all: i stopped reading homestuck in 2012 and i dont know what the fuck goin on lore-wise. and i also dont care unless it directly corresponds to insane gay sex so dont tell me

im just saying if jamie was a homestuck troll he would have almost the exact same gender and sexuality problems WRT banging daniel. it would make a lot of sense. he has a lot of Issues about letting a cis dude (or a human dude, in this case) get up in his business b/c in real life, like.....feeling assured that youre seen as male by guys you have sex with is not as easy as having them use the right pronouns lol. there are so many men that will say literally whatever u want to hear just to get their dicks wet

and so like.....he would be wildly stressed out about the idea of this human motherfucker putting him in the wrong box just b/c he doesnt have a human dick and balls! it would drive him nuts! and it would drive him super fucking insane that, even with all these hang ups, he cant just, like. stop having a weird vacillating crush on the guy. it would make things so much easier if he could.

another thing that would drive him nuts is his total inability to sort daniel into a single quadrant.....he keeps going back and forth on "do i like him? is he the most fucking annoying guy ive ever met? do i pity him b/c he cant get a grip on human (or troll) interaction???"

and daniel doesnt even have the decency to flirt back in the right quadrant! hes like.....hes some kind of fuckin pervert, is what he is. going back and forth all the time and making jamies feelins all complicated

MEANWHILE......poor fuckin daniel. he genuinely doesnt understand why jamie seems to just arbitrarily go hot or cold on him. like.....when jamies mean, he gets pissed off! but when jamies nice, hes still pretty pissed off! and then when daniels nice, jamie goes either fucking way! it doesnt make any sense!

he literally needs somebody to hand him a pamphlet on The Basics of Troll Relationships to begin puzzling this shit out. he needs like......a flowchart. and once he gets one it rocks his fucking world. if you had told him previously that jamie was flirting with him in every single one of these interactions, he would not have believed you. but now hes got a Manual

(but jamies not gonna be the one to pity him enough to give him a fucking pamphlet. thats wayyy too emotionally forward.)

the like. the lightbulb moment when daniel realizes "ohhh so when hes being mean to me hes just trying to get in my pants" and tries to facilitate this outcome by blackrom flirting back. but hes so fucking bad at it

as a friend put it. imagine him being like "i... hate you too?" and immediately getting bitched at for reciprocating badly. this is his worst fucking nightmare. hes already bad at decoding subtext! let alone alien hatefuck subtext!

(for the record jamies like. 3x more of a bitch in this AU than in reality. but hes still insane and neurotic)

and on jamies end hes already well on his way to becoming a Total Fucking Freak for quadrant mixing shit b/c daniel keeps flirting with him so fucking badly. none of it turns him off at all. his weird little crush just keeps getting worse

ultimately all of this is to say that they should have insane alien gay sex. insane sexo where jamie, embarrassed beyond belief, concedes to showing daniel how his alien junk works. lets him poke and prod at it. bosses him around and tells him exactly what to do and what not to do and makes daniel Earn It before he gets to touch his stupid human dick.

and daniels a great learner, yknow. hes got those deft mechanics hands. he knows how to make an engine (or a troll, as it were) purr. and also how to make it squirt all over the back of his car

that is possibly one of the more crass/humiliating things ive typed on this awful awful blog. thanks for joining me. i only care about weird sex. okay. bye. bye . bye. bye

#cw homestuck #safdc #You shouldnt read this post.