#HI VEL HOW'RE U DOIN

[vel0city]

◎ Do you ever regret being a hero?

    The guilt builds up inside of her, bubbling like boiling tar pits, feeling like the acid in her belly were going to eat through her stomach lining-- she felt the way her muscles tensed, her jaw clenching and grinding her molars-- the way she could distinctly feel each and every strand of fur raise on her body... Suddenly she was viscerally aware of her body, her meat sack that she was. The body that held her wayward spirit--trapped inside this shell that everybody had an opinion about--

    The blue blur shakes her head, trying to be cool about it, trying to make it look like she's just getting her bangs out of her face, but her carefully crafted mask was cracking a bit. Why was she having such a hard time keeping this together? Come on, girl, you're embarrassing yourself here! You're supposed to be cool and collected, what're people gonna think when they see you being so afraid? How are people supposed to have hope if you're so...

    Scared?

    Tears were burning, threatening to roll down her cheeks-- NO NO NO, don't start CRYING, don't do that HERE-- What if somebody SEES?! Then they'll be WORRIED, and then they'll have to look AFTER YOU, Vel! Everybody's got problems and yours are SO LITTLE! What have you got to complain about!? Oh it's SOOO HAAARD being a HERO, being BELOVED BY EVERYBODY. Come on, Vel, snap out of this stupid fit, you need to get your head in the game! Your fans are counting on you!

    Velocity could feel her heart rate quickening, feel like her blood was turning into acid, feel like everything was both too loud, and too quiet... not quiet, DISTANT. Her vision, her hearing, it felt completely separate from her, and her world was starting to spin. She crushed her ears to her head with her palms, eyes shutting tight as her knees hit the ground. Vel's breathing was suddenly very shallow and quick, and her chest burned from the inside out. Oh god, Oh god, Oh god, everyone's going to see--

    "Yes, OKAY!? I hate it, is-- there I SAID it, is that what you WANTED? I hate it-- I hate how everything is my fault, whether I do everything right, there's always-- always something else and if I don't fix it, it doesn't get FIXED! Eggman locked me in solitary confinement on his stupid death egg FOR MONTHS, and the second I get out of there, everybody's like 'OH WOW VEL'S OKAY, NOW WE CAN FIGHT BACK AND SAVE THE WORLD, OUR HOPE IS ALIVE!'" She spits out, grabbing at her own throat, shocked by how ugly her voice sounded, how angry and hateful... the bitterness was cringe-inducing. She felt her body wrack with anxiety, but the adrenaline was also... giving her waves of relief, too. Like the rush of endorphins after moving a pulled muscle OUT of its pained position.

    "I'm not-- I'm not even a PERSON to any of these people! They didn't wanna save me, they wanted to save themselves, and-- and they just needed their SYMBOL back-- They didn't want ME! They never wanted me! I didn't ask to be anybody's HOPE, I just-- I stepped up because nobody else did! That's all it's ever been! I step up, 'cause I care, and how do I get repaid???"

    "Ooooh, Vel, were you reaaaaaaaaaally tortured for six months on the Death Egg? You look fine to me! Oooooh, Vel, nobody can tell you're a girl you need to diversify your look! Ooooooh, Vel, being a girl is more than just having long eyelashes and a flashy hairstyle! Oooh, Vel, you hang out with so many guys, are you ashamed of bein' a girl? OoOooh, Vel, are you always hanging out with the boys because you can't get a boyfriend?" OooooOOooh, Vel, YOU SHOULD KILL DR EGGMAN if you REALLY CARED!'" She's doing a very silly falsetto as she speaks, standing up and wiggling her fingers, clearly letting her smaller resentments mix in with the more traumatic elements of her life, "OOoohh, Vel, if you REALLY cared about saving people, WHY HAVEN'T YOU KILLED DR EGGMAN YET?"

    The blue hedgehog stomps her foot down on the ground, digging her fingertips into her head quills, practically screaming out her answer, to someone who wasn't really there, but clearly had affected her a lot,

    "IF YOU THINK IT'S SO EASY, THEN YOU DO IT! Why does it have to be ME!??!!? I don't LIKE killing anybody, I don't-- I don't WANT to do it! I'd always, ALWAYS rather find another way-- It's a last resort, and-- and I don't want to kill him! I hate him, I hate everything he's done to me, done to my friends, done to this FREAKING PLANET, but I still don't-- I still don't want his lifeless STARE haunting the rest of my LIFE!"

    "I don't INVITE him to do the things he does, I just know that if I don't stop him, LITERALLY NO ONE ELSE WILL! You guys all PROVED THAT when he took over the world!!! It's NOT FAIR! It's not fair that I'm somehow-- I'm somehow responsible for EVERYBODY's happiness! What about MY happiness!? What about ME? Why can't you just-- FIGURE OUT your OWN baggage and take life into your OWN HANDS!!! I'm JUST! ONE! GUY! I don't spare him 'cause-- 'cause I HATE everybody, I just don't want his blood on my hands and-- and I know he'll go out and-- and cause even more problems but--"

    Velocity sits down on the ground, her knees pressed tight to her chest as she continues to dig her fingertips against her quills. With every throb of her heart, she swears she can feel the live-wire that her nervous system currently is.

    "But it can't be me. I can't do it. I'm sorry, I know, that makes me the worst hero ever, but I-- I just can't do it."

[ don't reblog, but feel free to have your character witness it on the dash ]

#long post ;; #my heart's electric racing endlessly ( ic ) #asks ;; #(( up to you if you wanna have your character witness it on the dash #HI VEL HOW'RE U DOIN