#I also like to think I’m somewhat peppy and social? sure my social skills suck ass and I’m terrified of everyone ever

[deityofhearts]

ya know it’s honestly funny and weirdly comforting when my friends call me a fake gremlin or green tea bitch because like despite that they still love me and like having me around

#deity dialogue #idk like I’m the past I’ve struggled a lot with like ‘performative positivity’ where I wouldn’t ever let myself be anything other than peppy #24/7 even when it was exhausting and I wasn’t happy #and then irl I deal a lot with being treated like an idiot and infantalized and so I’ve in an attempt to make myself feel better #started to lean into it like sure make whatever assumptions you want about me I’ll find a way to benefit from you treating me like this #I’ll pretend to be an uwu sweet angel if that pleases you or whatever. #but like it’s also nice because like around my friends and loved ones I can have actual emotions other than happiness 24/7 #that being said I still talk like an elementary school teacher I cannot change this I’m sorry #that’s not fake I just talk Like That I know I use and excessive amount of exclamation points and question marks this won’t change lmao #I also like to think I’m somewhat peppy and social? sure my social skills suck ass and I’m terrified of everyone ever #but I also love to talk to people and hear from people I’m just kinda at a point where I struggle to even reach out first to most people any #more. it feels like if I try to maintain contact or reach out first that I’m overstepping and should be killed in sight lmao #so again sorry if y’all don’t hear from me much or at all it’s not anything y’all did I just struggle a lot and idk how to not T-T #I have to hope that someday it’ll get easier #rn the main thing helping is the reassurance and patience from ny beloved friends <3 I love my friends sm #the tags r all over the place sorry I’m half asleep