#I am so desperately adverse to receiving more than very minimal help from anyone

[abandonmutt]

Just thinking

#I’m good at balancing enough to feel like. pleasant normally. but fuck I hate being reminded of just how deep my disordered thinking goes #I rly don’t know how I’m gonna like. heal in the long term #like obviously I’m gonna try but like #I am so desperately adverse to receiving more than very minimal help from anyone #and half the time I don’t even know what would help #the fucking knots I tie myself into are so convoluted and impossible that I kinda feel it’s better for me to just handle it #I don’t know how to be helped. I barely know how to be cared about. I fear that nobody will be able to handle whatever it’s gonna take #to break through all of that shit #like fuck man I don’t even remember how to cry about shit #I probably still need to cry over my moms stroke but it feels stupid now bc she’s fine #i don’t know what to do about that #I never thought I was a self hating kinda guy I thought I was pretty self neutral #but literally the bare minimum opening for shame or for feeling like I’m failing can snag me #even if it’s completely irrational #ugh.