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winds--of--change · 7 years

Conversation

No.491

It's WED 19/04/2017 at 1057 PM

Me: hey, do you know why some people are even afraid of getting happiness?

Markus: Nope, why?

Me: people like Sunny, for example, who I am sure she could be happy as fuck, but as she said, she doesn't want to find a nice guy because she would feel boring and she would soon fuck it up but deep down i'm sure she wants a nice guy, like her

Markus: I don't remember her saying that, but sounds like she's afraid that she can't find one and says that as reassurance for herself

Me: sorry for randomness, i'm drinking alone and bit drunk lol thats why i can text so randomly to people like this

usually i just write it on my blog and feel better after that

i guess no one ever, including me wants to be alone

Markus: No worries

Me: i dont think i want to be alone like i thought i can

weird i thought i can always be by myself before man i want to cry i thought i just want to be happy to

Markus: Yeah, I know what you mean, I don't want to be alone, but I won't be with someone just because I don't want to be alone

Me: but somehow i just chose things that arent happy for me

exactly! thats why im always alone because id rather be alone than being with someone i cant even stand just because i dont want to be alone but somehow sometimes thats still so hard lol

maybe sometimes we actually never know what we want

but only know what we dont want. i dont know anymore

i just want to cry. and i did lol im crying, i dont even know why i cry

Markus: Yeah probably, the search for happiness is hard, but if it just came as soon as we wanted it, would you really be happy, or just content

Me: no actually i know i am prob a bit like sunny, i dont want to be happy because im afraid i would fuck it up so i'd rather choose something unhappy and so at least in the end, there wouldbe no devastating disapointment if nothing good comes out of it because after all i'm not afraid to lose it

Markus: I don't know, I don't think that anyone does that on purpose

Me: I know. i dont do that on purpose. somehow it just happens. i dont know what i saying or thinking anymore lol

Markus: I think it's a subliminal thing we do to not have to experience loss, because you can't lose what you never had, but you still want something so you are sad about that instead

Better to just search from the beginning then and face the pain when it arrives

Me: why am i crying? isnt it because it's really unhappy, then why cant i stop the unhappy thing? why i still do it. maybe it also all comes down to the fact that sometimes somehow we do not love ourselves enough to think we deserve happiness.

i dont know what i did wrong anymore. i just want to be with him, then after being with him, i went home, being alone like this, and cry. then what do i really want, a happiness with him, but im not even thinking about the possibility of this

and i know i should stop, but i just continue on, i want to touch him, but after doing so, i actually felt empty more

Markus: Then maybe you are sad because you know you will never be and are trying to make sense out of it while sometimes there is no sense

Me: i dont think i love him that much, but at the same time, i dont know what this is, maybe its just because he's my first and i felt attracted to him physically, even though physcally i don't think we match

Markus: It's hard to face life sometimes, especially when you like someone, but sometimes you just have to say fuck it, it's life

Me: maybe im just alone for so long i need something to spice it up i know i just need to fuck it and go with the flow

Markus: Yeah I know what you mean, it's hard being alone 😞

Me: but i dont know how i can just forget things, i am alone all the time but now somehow i cant be alone that easy any longer, and that scares me, because how can i face things ahead if i cant be alone that easy anymore, i used to be so numb, as im alone all the time, so it doesnt feel anything, but then i got to have chance to be with someone with friends i really love, and after that suddenly comparing to loneliness before, its a complete difference and i prefer being with someone like those people i was lucky to meet and be with, but in life its not easy to keep meeting those kind of people

and besides, i know that even though i can find a group of people who can accomodate me, i will somehow fuck it up, maybe im not just that good at socializing, or knowing how to be with someone, the fact that i drank alone, crying and ranting all bullshit like this lol after meeting him, is obviously to show that i shoulnd't be with him, but at the same time i chose to be with him because i dont believe in love i dont believe in romance i dont believe in forever happiness either, i dont believe in anything but myself, thats why i chose this experience so that i can get out of the traditional girl self who dreams of a happy ending, or a true love and blah blah blah shits, sorry why the hell did i msg you all this, lol i just want to live so that i could die, life is so long, too long we just have to keep thinking, no man, i should fucking get a job lol im kinda at liminal stage in-between thing, after graduation, before job thing, middle of nowhere, not quite here, not even there, and afraid to moving there because i dont know what is good for me 😭 man fuck me lol i should just........ sorry i dont even know why i text all this, actually the only one i can think of to talk to is sunny then im afraid i give her a burden again, so i ended up finding someone else which is you to rant on. i dont like myself who cant deal with my own shits alone, i forget how to deal with shits alone all by myself and thats so annoying lol its so annoying to be dependable on people, thanks for taking this lol good night ❤

Markus: It's OK, I was just making my dinner, yeah I understand what you mean, I also have a lot of problem finding people I can trust, especially people I can open up to, but I think that it's important not to give up, otherwise you don't know what you are missing!

And the job thing isn't easy either, I was lucky, I just happened to choose the education that would benefit me the most, but I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I think it all comes down to you live you learn

Me: you are lucky yoooooo!!!! and im sure you deserve being lucky because you will make the best of it, many take things for granted and dont do best they could but you will. i will be fine. thank you Markus 🙂 i will be fine. everything works out in the end. always. and you are a good cook! i wanna eat your cake again XD thanks to you i will defo come visit sweden one day! not like i think of anything to visit there lol except for...erm...abba museum or something? lol but yeah now i have you there i believe i could explore sweden as local

haha

Markus: Haha thank you I think you will be fine too 🙂 there are many things to do! If it's the summer you can do all kinds of things!

Me: yea i'm going home for a while anyway. i will bring back some vietnamese coffee for you!!! you must have some, i insist lol

Markus: Sounds great! I love coffee 🙂 At least good coffee 😛

Me: vietnamese coffeee is the bessttttt, approved by french ie victor and canadian ie sunny and. me lol and ..all over the world lol

Markus: Haha looking forward to it 🙂

Me: and, you hav to 'like' my new profile pic XP lmao

Markus: Lol, how drunk are you?

Me: i dont know lol i knocked the whole bottle so far lol

but i think i'm still at happy drunk, ok no i'm crying while laughing lol but well it's still good drunk lmao

Markus: Haha lol, just be careful so you don't fall over and hurt yourself 😛

Me: nah im just at home drinking and writing ill be fine lol

but seriously you MUST like my new profile picccc!!!!

please, boost my ego and let my vanity go viral for a little bit haha i'm counting on your like lmao 😜

Markus: OK, I'm going to sleep, nighty night 🙂

Me: lmao hai thanks for listening good night

Markus: No worries

#491st

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