#I don’t usually do emotional dumps OOC like this because despite how I may seem I’m actually very shy and self conscious

[moonrisenmuses]

Still working on making my sideblogs look pretty but… I just wanted to take a moment to really throw some positivity out there. But also TW for mentions of past RPC drama ( no names ), and mental health, breakups, death of a family member, family toxicity and general personal irl issues etc.

This turned long so I’m just gonna post the positivity shoutouts separately from this I think so I don’t make anyone uncomfortable.

Autumn is my favourite season as some of you might know based on how often I have my muses gush about it being their fave too. I always put little pieces of myself in my muses, it could be something as mundane as their favourite colour or a book they read, or as big as personal inspiration from real life events that happened to me, usually the former. It helps me feel closer to them. But Autumn is also a really hard time for me, for a lot of reasons. For one it’s the anniversary of a really bad time in my life from when I was 18 and I tried to do something and ended up ( voluntarily ) in the hospital for my own safety. But it’s also around the time my Pop’s health took a turn for the worst ( the Autumn before that, when I was 17 - he passed in January, nine months before the hospital incident ) before he passed away, and my home life had turned really toxic around that time as people were already preparing to lose him and tension was high. I was that teen who’s mom was more nurturing than strict and certain people in my family disagreed with her parenting style being rather gentle die or my being neurodivergent.

Anyway, because of that, October is already especially hard for me even though it’s my favourite month hands down. Then a few years ago I got into a relationship with someone a lot younger than me who I’d met online and I’ll be honest, I really really loved and cared about them. To the point I let it blind me to their faults. They always talked me into joining whatever fandom they were into at the moment and while I was sad to leave so many fun fandoms, I either ignored or didn’t notice the fact that many of the ones we left was because of drama. Drama that followed them from their past or drama that they started because they couldn’t leave well enough alone. If someone didn’t like them, or blocked them, added them to a DNI or kept tabs on them for their own comfort, they had to know why. They had to clear their name. They got hate, which they didn’t deserve, but they also made no effort to actually avoid stirring the pot.

I… did things I’m not proud of. Because I loved them and I ignored red flags because I saw them as a victim like me, as I’d been bullied all through my school years. I figured being the older one I could protect them. But I got hurt instead. It’s not their fault, not entirely. The tension kept building between us for months. I wanted to move countries to be with them eventually so I was working extra hard to try to make money. And with the different time zones I was running myself ragged. I think they felt like I was ignoring them or that they needed to ship certain things or prioritize me in our RP to keep my interest. That wasn’t the case but looking back… we were both very immature and had rose coloured glasses on. I wanted so badly to seem like I had it all figured out when the truth was, I felt like I was drowning and Autumn being when my depression hits most was the final nail in the coffin. In the end the drama wasn’t what broke us up, it was me realizing I’d become afraid of making them unhappy because I didn’t want to face the fallout. Them going dark, not replying to messages, worrying they might do something and me being on another continent I couldn’t help. I couldn’t be someone else’s mental support when I barely had a proper grip on my own, if that makes sense. You can’t pour water from an empty jug and you can’t throw a life preserver when you’re in the water with the person that’s drowning, I couldn’t help us both. Eventually I had to pick. And as selfish as I felt at the time, choosing me felt kinder than continuing on knowing I would eventually burn out and resent them for it.

It was so hard, but I had to end it for my own sake. What was supposed to be a temporary breakup turned permanent and I honestly think it was the best thing for us both. Things are still awkward, we don’t really talk anymore but from what I understand they left Tumblr and have been doing well for themselves. They’re happier at least. I’m healing. I think I’ll always mourn them because whether we ever met in person or not, they were the first person I developed deep romantic feelings for beyond a crush. I loved them. Part of me always will.

When I came back to the BSD fandom I was scared. So many people had left, new people had come, and I was full of insecurity about my writing. Am I a good writer? Are my characters hollow clichés? Do I write too much smut and gross people out? Am I annoying? But coming back here was so easy. It felt like coming home. Asagiri does such a phenomenal job at portraying mental health without even explicitly showing it that it’s honestly stunning. The way no one has to say outright ‘Dazai has depression’ or ‘Atsushi is suffering from PTSD, anxiety and crippling lay low self esteem due to his upbringing’ or even ‘Dazai, Kyouka, Yosano, Higuchi and Akutagawa are all victims of a toxic cycle of abuse started by Mori’, or even the way queer relationships ( whether you view them as platonic or not ) between men are integral to the most important bonds in the franchise.

I can’t tell if this is a vent post or not anymore, but it doesn’t feel like it. It feels like things I needed to say because I know I kinda vanished from the BSD RPC a few years ago without a word to anyone and those who were there probably know some of what happened but I guess what I wanted to say is… thanks to everybody who readily accepted me back with open arms as if I’d never left? You all mean so much to me. I can’t really say enough how much coming back here has improved my mental health. I’m actually reading again! And not just fanfics! Not that there’s anything wrong with that but like… I’ve got al the light novels on my shelf right now and some of the manga. I’ve got works by Nakahara C., Dazai, Rimbaud, Verlaine and more that I’ve been steadily going through, and it’s done so much good for me. I truly haven’t felt this accepted or wanted in a fandom since 2019 when I was still in the Marvel RPC before it kinda broke down over increasingly bad decisions in the Marvel cinematic universe lol.

But that’s enough of the crying boo boo stuff. Here’s the point I wanted to actually make from the beginning:

Anyone can change. Sometimes friendships ( or relationships ) don’t last and it feels like the end of the world, but it isn’t. Sometimes who you thought you were at 24 couldn’t be further from the truth at 27. You can love someone but not be right for them. We all have bias that can be hard to let go of. But most importantly… life is too short to always be sad about things you can’t control. I can’t help that I have depression and ADHD, I can’t bring my Pop back or make certain family members love me or respect me.

But I can go to a place where I feel loved and appreciated. I can choose my friends and the people I share my heart with. I’d like to send some love to a few of those people now, so here they are, hope you all don’t mind the tags, this was entirely off of the top of my head. Post incoming.

#this turned into Diary of an Anxious Bitch lol #I don’t usually do emotional dumps OOC like this because despite how I may seem I’m actually very shy and self conscious #but I just wanted to sort of explain why I tend to disappear for weeks on time #especially around this time of year #{ Mun Shit } #Drama // #Vent // #Death // #Breakups // #Emotional Abuse // #Mental Illness // #Depression // #Hospital Mention // #Implied Suicide //