#I have the worst support system for the terrible mental breakdown I've been having the last few weeks

[sschmendrick]

Maybe I should go back to seeing my therapist, he was a good person, à l'écoute, but maybe I should explain why I stopped seeing him (on top of work load becoming unbearable).

Same with my psychiatrist though I think it'll be harder to see her because of the summer.

#I'm feeling so out of it #I have the worst support system for the terrible mental breakdown I've been having the last few weeks #I only have one friend talking to me and I am just working at my part time job and trying to do school work and work for 2 because one of #them won't work and my family is...well. I thought I could have my mum supporting me but she just can't seem to read the room #but I don't want to become bitter even though I already am. I want to be better but my mind is sinking and maybe I'm as bad as my ex friend #said I was. Maybe I am as much a bad person as my brother says I am. Maybe I'm in denial #I've stopped taking medication for a few months now and it's all slipped back in my mind and I can't rest. I'm always tired or on speed #I feel dull and isolated #I haven't had any physical contact with anyone in weeks (not a hug or a handshake) I feel a little bit alienated #it makes me want to disappear again and go far far away #I don't know what the issue even is. I don't know what mental illness I have. I thought it was bpd but what if it isn't #I just want to be normal. I want to be normal and happy. Rational level-headed not anxious paranoid and exhausted like I am #I want to cry to open the dam of emotions in my brain but it feels like a small tear in highly pressurized tank that's going to do more #damage and no good

[veresiine]

Vent post under the cut

Had the worst breakdown I've had in over a year today. Worst public loss of temper since I was a young teen.

I hate retail. I hate how corporate keeps pressuring us. Cutting hours. Increasing workloads WHILE cutting hours. Giving us 2-3% merit raises even at this level of inflation. DELAYING the merit raises, at that. And then 'reminding' us that our pay is meant to be kept 'confidential' (it's a labor violation. Most of us KNOW it's a labor violation. I took photo evidence but I can't do much else). Introducing new systems to track customers and get them to spend more money. I hate being a part of that.

I hate Those customers. You know the ones. Who insist that everything in the world is your fault and demand your name to report you to corporate, whether you had any hand in the incident or not. And all you can do is smile and nod and say 'I'm sorry for the inconvenience" and "I hope you have a nice day" until you get a chance to duck into the backroom and scream into the freezer.

But I love my coworkers. They had my back through the whole thing. One of them bought me a teddy bear from a nearby shop and brought it to me after she had punched out, and sent me a wonderfully supportive text message that I still need to fully read and reply to. I had no filter so I mentioned that my mask was full of snot from crying, and the store manager offered to get me a new one.

I hate how, despite that outpouring of support, my internal monologue was just a constant cycle of "I want to kill myself" immediately countered with "but I can't." And I'm not going to. I have mouths to feed and loved ones who've already been broken by others' suicides. But fighting the thoughts was exhausting to do on top of squeezing out 120% productivity as demanded by corporate.

(Do not worry about me. I am not going to kill myself. After I punched out for the day I wanted to die approximately 75% less. That remaining 25% is easily managed without external support.)

I love my friends. The friend who listened patiently, and also remembered my other chosen name from a discussion MONTHS ago (near the end of the day I got a rare and consequently unexpected burst of dysphoria. Also for the record, for tumblr purposes I am always still veresiine, veres, verk, or eres. It's just for irl purposes I have other names; this is irrelevant to those who do not know or acknowledge my legal name). The friend who sent me a bunch of cat pictures even though he was at work too. The friend who told me "if you're even asking [about taking mental health day tomorrow], you're far past due for it".

I'm just tired. Tired of being in pain (knee injury has healed but because I was favoring that leg for a while, my old foot/ankle injury has decided to make my life hell for the past ???). Tired of doing the same thing every week for years. Tired of knowing that the only reason I'm doing as well as I am (stable employment, not-terrible mental and physical health) is because I have support too many others are denied.

I need to sleep. I need all my strength for tomorrow at the lab.

#veresiine irl #suicide discussion #I will get through this. Somehow. It just sucks #2023 has been brutal so far #but I'll be around to hope 2024 is less so