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translations-dark-matter · 2 months

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Living as an Extra in an Omegaverse novel

Chapter 49

Shin Tae-oh looked at Se-hyeon with an unfriendly gaze, showing no interest in the box Se-hyeon was holding.

"I'm sorry, but could you please repeat that?"

"Who allowed you to bring something like that on your own?"

Shin Tae-oh inserted his hands into his pockets, tilting his head slightly in a dismissive manner. If what is visible appears distorted, then perhaps the world itself is perceived that way. In response to Shin Tae-oh's rebellious reaction, Se-hyeon rolled his eyes, still holding the box.

Whose decision is it to make?

If Shin Tae-oh asked whose feelings were contained in the gift that he had asked Se-hyeon to deliver...

"Of course, it contains the feelings of the person who gave it, but..."

That's what a gift is.

"Secretary, what I'm asking is not about that. I never told you to bring something like this, so why did you bring it?"

"Um..."

Se-hyeon found himself caught in a dilemma over a gift that he thought would be resolved simply by handing it over. Did I do something I haven't done before? No. Did I receive a gift from a completely unknown person? No.

In that case, Se-hyeon felt that he could adequately explain the situation.

"I was told it was a token of appreciation for the gifts you have received from Mr. Yoo Jin-ha."

"What are you talking about? I haven't received anything from him."

"But you received his feelings."

Shin Tae-oh faltered at Se-hyeon's composed response.

"Even though you didn't receive any physical items, you have continuously received his heartfelt intentions."

So when Yoo Jin-ha asked Se-hyeon to deliver the gift, he didn't find it strange and accepted it.

"Did I... give my feelings?"

Shin Tae-oh asked, seeming somewhat disoriented, and Se-hyeon looked up at him and nodded.

"That's what a gift is."

That's why Se-hyeon refused when Shin Tae-oh tried to give him a gift directly. The gifts he couldn't deliver to Yoo Jin-ha were nothing more than empty shells without any heartfelt intentions. So when Shin Tae-oh directly gave something to Se-hyeon, it felt burdensome.

While thinking like that, there was a slight uneasiness about not having refused a few times.

"Anyway, I gave it to the CEO, so if you're going to refuse, please let me know. I will return it to Yoo Jin-ha."

Even so, it doesn't mean that Yoo Jin-ha's feelings will disappear.

Se-hyeon extended the hand holding the box towards Shin Tae-oh as if urging him to make a decision. It wasn't heavy, but it felt burdensome to keep holding it.

"Did I...?"

Shin Tae-oh mumbled while staring at the box. Se-hyeon looked at his mouth intently, trying to catch his words, but they were too soft to hear clearly.

"So that's how it is. Until now, I... did that."

I did that, Se-hyeon thought as he heard him say it twice. He gave up on hearing more and waited.

Shin Tae-oh couldn't take his eyes off the box. The box he saw kept changing sizes. In reality, it was empty. It was just a reminder of the gifts Se-hyeon had delivered to Yoo Jin-ha all this time.

Now he finally realized. What kind of errands I had sent Se-hyeon on, and how wrong they were.

Instinctively drawn to Yoo Jin-ha, he had realized his feelings for Se-hyeon and stopped giving gifts. And subtly, he had revealed his own feelings to Se-hyeon.

To treat Se-hyeon, who had been conveying my feelings to Yoo Jin-ha, so nonchalantly, are there really such pitiful individuals in this world?

How big of a mistake I have made. I couldn't bring myself to lift my head and look at Se-hyeon's face.

"CEO?"

As Se-hyeon tried to meet my gaze, I covered my face with my hand and avoided it.

"Are you okay?"

"Just a moment..."

I reached out my hand, preventing Se-hyeon from coming closer.

"Just give me a moment alone. It won't take long."

"Understood."

As Se-hyeon's footsteps retreated, I heard the sound of the front door closing.

"Haah. I really..."

I let out a hollow laugh, my eyes still covered.

Every time the memories of my actions came to mind, I felt self-disgust. And it was none other than Ahn Se-hyeon. Being by my side, he knew me best and could clearly perceive the flow of my emotions. Yet, I never explained to him what my feelings towards Yoo Jin-ha were. And... I naturally acted as if my heart had turned away from him.

I understand why Se-hyeon felt reluctance towards my gifts.

Now that I realized how disrespectful this was to Se-hyeon, I couldn't even bring myself to laugh anymore. It felt like someone had gripped my heart tightly, causing it to constrict.

There was no excuse for this.

Perhaps Se-hyeon knew everything and rejected me. If that's the case, I shouldn't force myself into his heart...

As Shin Tae-oh lowered his hand and opened his eyes, his thoughts were interrupted.

"..."

"Are you okay?"

It was Ahn Se-hyeon, whom he thought had left.

"How...?"

"Ah..."

Se-hyeon turned around and looked at the closed front door. After a brief moment of thought, he responded.

"I secretly stood here because I wondered if you really didn't see me."

"..."

Shin Tae-oh felt his mind go blank with surprise. As he continued to stare, Se-hyeon's face displayed an embarrassed smile.

"I was just joking because you looked serious. Was I being oblivious?"

His laughter restored Shin Tae-oh's constricted heart to its original state.

***

"I'm not usually one to play pranks."

It was something he would never do in his normal state. So when Shin Tae-oh covered his eyes and pretended to leave, taking a few steps in place before closing the front door, it was something he wouldn't normally do.

Of course, he had all sorts of thoughts running through his mind.

Still, he didn't like playful pranks like Shin Tae-oh...

"What am I doing right now?"

I kept rationalizing that I was just playing a prank for the sake of it.

Shin Tae-oh seemed serious, and I thought he might be swayed by Yoo Jin-ha's gift, so I had a strong urge to reassure him that I was fine and he could leave if he wanted to.

However, Shin Tae-oh couldn't seem to relax his stiff expression. If I had known it would turn out like this, I should have just left.

"I will proceed with today's schedule briefing."

In the midst of this, I absentmindedly picked up my tablet, thinking of doing some work. My phone vibrated, and I quickly checked the notification popup before going into the messaging app.

"It's President Seong. They contacted me to meet up. What should I do?"

My previous appointments were crumpled up as President Seong, the representative, seemed to have disappeared somewhere. Since the mistake was on the other party's side, I asked for Shin Tae-oh's opinion, thinking he wouldn't need to meet with them.

Without even turning his head, Shin Tae-oh, who was looking outside the window, replied.

"Cancel it."

He was someone I had praised for being quite perceptive. But seeing him act as if he didn't care, Se-hyeon put his phone back in his pocket.

"Understood."

Once an instruction was given, he wouldn't question it. Without going against Shin Tae-oh's feelings, Se-hyeon picked up the tablet.

***

As Shin Tae-oh tilted his glass, he didn't bother to strike up a conversation with the man standing next to him, pretending not to know him.

"If you're going to ignore me like that, then I won't come next time."

The man he had called over sat down next to him, offering a sarcastic greeting.

"It seems like things aren't going well with Se-hyeon."

"It couldn't have worked out well from the beginning."

"It's been a while since I've seen the younger Shin Tae-oh."

It was a mumbled mention of the past when he used to excel at everything but lacked confidence and showed a small side of himself at crucial moments. Before he gave up everything and started living, Shin Tae-oh was a boy who experienced a lot of frustration.

"Yeah, it's been a while."

Shin Tae-oh forced a self-pitying smile and took another sip of his drink.

During that time, he had momentarily forgotten while being with Se-hyeon. What his life used to be like.

Everyone had been avoiding me. Even when someone who only looked at themselves appeared, they didn't stay for long. I had parents and friends, but strangely, I couldn't shake off the feeling of loneliness. When I read books, I would often empathize with characters other than the protagonist because it seemed like I couldn't live a life like theirs.

So I gave up everything and lived, but in the meantime, I forgot and spent time with Se-hyeon.

"I've done a lot of things I shouldn't have done to Se-hyeon."

"Why? Were you treating him badly?"

"It might have been similar."

It wasn't like I had to torment him. He was quick-witted, so I made him do a lot of errands for me. Most of them were about asking him to buy gifts for Jin-ha. Yeah, and then I revealed that I had feelings for him. How cruel of a boss was I?

Today, I couldn't see Se-hyeon's face.

"So you wanted to give up?"

Yoo Jin-hyeon accurately picked up on the conversation that was going in circles.

Give up on Se-hyeon?

It's unimaginable.

"Let's start over from the beginning."

That's when Yoo Jin-hyeon smoothly interjected.

"You're good at something, you know."

"What am I good at?"

"Yeah. Even when you were giving up on everything, you held onto one thing."

Yoo Jin-hyeon chuckled softly. Given the time they had spent together, it was clear that there was something he couldn't give up on. From his perspective, Shin Tae-oh's current dilemma was no different than providing him with entertaining amusement.

"What was it again? Because the world turned its back on me, I said I had to hold onto something? And then you started bringing various things to Jin-ha?"

That's right.

If I couldn't be the center anyway, I decided to give up. Instead, I had the stubborn determination to hold onto one thing.

As Shin Tae-oh got lost in his thoughts, Yoo Jin-hyeon chuckled ominously and subtly released his pheromones towards him. He had been waiting for an opportunity like this. Since this guy treated my pheromones with disdainful odour, I had planned to return the favour someday. Opportunities like today were rare.

Let's see how he reacts when he's exposed to the pheromones of an alpha he dislikes.

"Huh?"

As Shin Tae-oh was about to notice it, his own pheromones suddenly surged, causing Yoo Jin-hyeon to stop in surprise. It felt like there was a significant difference between what I had released and what he was experiencing now...

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julies-butterflies · 3 years

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Honestly, your writing reminds me a lot of the buffyverse. Just the perfect balance of humor and sadness and romance and heart that just feels like a vivid window into the world you've created.

God the Body...the best forty minutes of television I may never watch again. I've rewatched Willow and Tara's kiss (because I'll adore them forever), but just...the weight of it. It took me a full month to work up the nerve to watch the episode, to be ready to cry that much.

What you said about not wanting people to suffer, because of your work...It's never once felt like that for me. And I've cried a LOT while reading your work. I'll try to explain it the best I can

Grief can be so isolating, and disorienting. Your world goes topsey-turvey, supports you took for granted go flying into the abyss and suddenly it's a minefield of those glass shards. And no one's grief is identical. No two circumstances are the same. It's not possible for anyone else to know exactly how you feel, because no two hearts break alike.

Sometimes, it's because people just don't understand. Sometime's it's because they no longer want to. But some days, that feeling of aloneness can be crushing.

Then one night, I stumbled upon Let These Shadows Fall Away Like Dust. That one hit me way harder than I was ever expecting. The question of how to grieve the living, the dilemma on when forgiveness is deserved...Alex's anger, his devestation, the rawness of it all....That's my broken glass. Those are concepts I've been struggling for over a year. I'm still picking up pieces every day.

I sobbed, because it was such a relief. To see the feelings that had been scrambled up in my mind just reflected there, on my screen. The reminder I had desperately needed, that I was not alone. That even though my circumstances were different, I was not the only one trying to unravel those messy emotions.

Then again, I also read your deathfic for fun, so maybe I'm not the best judge of this. I tend to like angst. I tend to get a lot of "WHY WOULD YOU MAKE IT THAT SAD" in group chats :D

Please don't feel any pressure to respond to me quickly or anything. I never mind the wait. I'm so sorry for the rough times. Wishing that you and your family gets whatever you need to help ease your storm. Sending love and support as well.

(sorry for all the metaphors. I'm super sleepy and apparently, I resort to purple prose when tired lol)

I know exactly what you mean about Emily. I understand why people don't like her, but I just love to see her written as such a grey character. It's just so much more powerful when the love is so clearly there.

I mean, that's what a tragedy is, really. Love cut short. Grieving a future that could have been everything, if fate had not been cruel. I don't know if you know musical theater, but I like to think about the Barber and His Wife, from Sweeney Todd: the whole tragedy of that show, is that they were happy all together, and then permanently broken. How their paths keep crossing, but they never connect to heal. Never lost, but never found.

And that's the tragedy of Luke and Emily: too stubborn and too late. You find that grey area, the messiness so well, and just bring it all out so wonderfully. You do the same with Bobby/Trevor, ESPECIALLY in the horror and the wild. God, that absolutely devestated me. I'm not a big fan of horror in general, and I haven't explored the genre that much but...if all horror is like yours then DAMN, I might just have to become a fan.

This got super long (lol) so I'll wrap it up now but! THE SIC FIC QUEENS TOGETHER???? When I tell you I lost it.... all too well Bobby and what you've lost reggie in the same story are killing me. I am hooked and incredibly hyped. Loved both updates so far, and cannot wait to see where the story goes!

Oh yeah and I forget: I have to ask, do you have a fan cast of the one, the only, the incredible Keith Richards? (and that goblin is so cute!!! I really want to pet the blood thirsty monster. So badly)

Love, your totally-not-undead-pen-pal, :D

-Vampire Anon

Know musicals? Vampire Anon my beloved, I am a musical theatre bitch. Take a look at my high school graduation cap! (Anastasia is my favorite musical... something about the themes of home, love, and family, the idea of always finding a place in the world even after enduring incredible hardship, that anything is survivable with faith and love in your heart... I'm also a Romanov history bitch, and Christy Altomare is such an incredible talent and human being.) Literally, talk to me about musicals anytime!

And yeah, I definitely see your metaphor... the tragedy of The Barber and his Wife was how close they came to each other throughout the whole show, existing within reach the entire time, after being separated for so long. But it wasn't the same; it never could be. Time and trauma had changed them both into something unrecognizeable, and when they came face-to-face, they could only hurt each other. At a certain point, the ghosts of your past are meant to stay ghosts. Sure, you might want them back more than anything --- but what would it mean? What would you truly be getting back?

Luke's "back", of course, and he comes home to visit his parents multiple times... but they're not the same people he left. They're older, greyer, changed by grief... while he's just the same. A snapshot forever frozen in time, a memory crystalized in amber. You can't hold memories in your hands. You can't pull them close and refuse to let them go. Eventually, they'll slip away... and to Mitch and Emily, a memory is all their son is, now. That's what's so heartrending about the situation we see in the show, especially --- so much love still exists between all of them, but it has no place to go.

Okay, sorry, it's 3am here and I'm rambling too, haha --- mentioning musical theatre was a mistake.

I'm so glad my stories have been able to connect with you, especially 'shadows' --- that one resonated with a lot of people, more than I ever realized it would. It's not the most personal story to me... but definitely one that needed to be told, and the emotion in it... hits home for a lot of people. It means so much to me knowing that story, and Alex's internal struggle, has made people feel less alone.

I think I'm going to have a hard time looking back on that one, though. We were staying at my aunt's house for the weekend where I wrote most of it; I read a few excerpts to her, and she said she liked it. She was always interested in my writing... I kind of wish I'd gotten the chance to share more of it with her.

Like you said. Grief's a funny thing. Disorienting, relentless, and crushing.

Please just remember, though --- whatever you're dealing with, you're not alone. You don't have to cut yourself on those broken pieces... one day, you'll wake up, and realize you feel whole again. It will never feel the same, and the pain will always be there... but healing around it is what makes us stronger. You don't owe anyone your forgiveness; it's okay to grieve when you've lost something, regardless of whether death has taken them from you. Grief doesn't have to be earned, it simply has to be felt.

You'll be stronger for it, in the end. I'm sorry you've been hurting so much.

Anyways! Oh gosh! On to lighter, happier topics! Please tell me...

What are your favorite fics? (Like, my fics, obviously, which fics of mine do you just go gaga over? Please praise me or else my ego will shrivel like a worm on hot pavement.) No, okay, I'm kidding --- what are your top fics for this fandom? Like, what are the ones that really resonate with you, that you could read over and over? The JATP fandom has so many greats, but I'm always drawn back to Some Killer Queen You Are by pearlcaddy (buffyverse meets jatp!! iconic!!), Lantern's Light by thefairhero (literally the SOFTEST reggie), the sky's not empty tonight by firefall (just... devastating and beautiful in a dozen ways), and literally anything by foundfamilyvevo.

How long have you been in the JATP fandom? Who are your favorite characters? What's your favorite JATP song?

And finally, most importantly... what are your favorite musicals?

(also... since u asked... behold keith richards and tremble)

#vampire anon my beloved #also... vampire anon... you're a writer #i can tell!! i can read it in your words #youre so eloquent and put things so beautifully #do you write fic?? have you posted any for jatp??

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aerascreamer · 4 years

Text

A body without a heart

Part 1: Stranger

An Apex Fanfic

Fandom: Apex Legends

Genre: General Fic

Word count: 2854

Warning: violence and death mention.

Read here too (highly recommended because phone Tumbler screw my text format):

Wattpad

Ao3

----

New season, new competitor.

But this time, "the new guy" couldn't be more different than any of the Legend.

Revenant never interacted with anyone, leaving the dormitory early to go we don't know where.

And if he has to talk to someone, it's either with anger or despises.

The first game of the new season is gonna be full of surprises

----

Note: based on this idea that I brainstormed a lot

Part 2

----

The repetitive hits of Artur's beak on their cheek woke up Bloodhound nested in a hammock.

Above the treetops, the sky blushed in various shades of white, orange, pink and peach as the sun went up, while the fresh wind pushed the scent of the forest to the hunter's nose who detected mushrooms, moss, and flowers.

Disconcerted to find themselves in the middle of the branches and leaves, they remember in flash images to have sneak out of the dormitory late at night.

Speaking of which, the hunter could see one of the windows between two dead trees.

"Is Revenant behind it, staring in my direction?" They thought, gently petting the crow, listening to him singing along the other birds.

Since the robot joined the Apex Games, an oppressive atmosphere enveloped the place, leaving the hunter in constant disturb.

It prevented them from sleeping on their two ears so they decided to guard the corridors, sometimes all night and at the cost of poor reactivity the following day.

But with the new season right around the corner, they needed as much rest as possible...

Fortunately, they could count on Wraith's sixth sense or Crypto's surveillance drone to keep an eye on everyone.

"Caw?"

"Yes, you'll have holly berries later. Also, you need to do more exercises or you're gonna get fat."

"CAW!!"

****

The growls coming from the spaceship's motor echoed in all the rooms of the vehicle.

Tension ruled over the Legends' soul, as they approached the arena World's Edge.

With Lifeline's help, Bloodhound clipped their jetpack on their back right before Octane interrupted them.

"Sure you haven't seen my protection glasses?"

"No Octane, it's the third time you asked me."Bloodhound replied.

"Wait you lost them again?"

Lifeline raised one of her eyebrows with a judging glare.

"I... Guess?"

Both looked at the roof of the dropship in exasperation as the daredevil ran back to his room turned upside down.

"Come on I need them now! We're dropping in one minute!!" He exclaimed while stamping on his feet.

"You know what, take my spare ones and leave me alone." The hunter offered as they headed to their quarter.

They quickly grabbed the glasses in their wardrobe and tossed them at the young man.

"Nice! Thank you compadre!"

"Warning, drop zone ahead!" The IA lady announced.

Time has come... the new season has begun.

The new competitors started at the screens hanging in the middle of the ship, hoping to be matched with a veteran fighter like Bangalore or a trustworthy support like Lifeline.

Some faces lightened, others bit their lips.

Bloodhound headed to the descendant platforms, soon joined by Pathfinder.

"Hi, Bloodhound! I'm glad to have you on my team this time." The MRVN greeted, rising his hand.

"Me too felagi."

Although his personality showed friendliness, Pathfinder enjoyed fighting in the arena and his precise shots made him an opponent to never underestimate.

The frozen wind whirled around the Legends as the platforms pierced through the clouds.

"The hunt begins. May the gods bless you."

Out of nowhere, a scarlet figure landed with a loud bang between the two Legends.

It stretched its long smooth arms and looked at the MRVN.

"Revenant! Ready for your first match? I'm sure you-"

"Save me your breath, I work in silence." The newcomer reprimanded with a sharp tone.

He turned his head briskly to the hunter and stared at them with intensity, as he did with everyone.

Although his metal face didn't express any emotions, Bloodhound felt a deep rage and feeling of envy boiling underneath.

Revenant took the time to discover the arena before nosing-down, leaving a sad-screened Pathfinder behind.

The hunter tapped on his shoulder with compassion before the two jumped right into the red silhouette's diving trail.

The shadow of the Harvester projected its darkness on a totally devastated Capitol City.

Stunned by the damage caused to the landscape, Bloodhound couldn't keep their eyes away from the giant scar opened by the lava fissure scorching the earth.

Some buildings in which the hunter used to fight looked like they collapsed from the inside with fires still not extinct, saturating the air of ashes and dust.

The grey clouds filtered the light that shaded the sky in red, gold and orange, darkening the atmosphere.

Nevertheless, Revenant dived headfirst into the lost city, his tall figure blending almost perfectly into the chaos.

As Bloodhound landed next to him on top of a building standing with courage, the red shadow looked below at a supply bean in the middle of an open field.

"I'm going that way. Don't even think about following me." He warned

"Got it !" The robot went downstairs, oblivious to the bright eyes following his movements.

Watching Revenant dropping, Bloodhound asker themselves how their teammate ended up so full of animosity, especially compared to the blue robot...

Nobody knew where he came from. He popped in the Games like a ghost, without knocking at the qualifier's door.

"Do you need a Sentinel Bloodhound?, Pathfinder asked from a lower level.

"Yes, please."

*****

Revenant moved with silence and fluidity through the grass of a hill.

Following a few meters behind, Pathfinder and Bloodhound discussed the MRVN's journey to find his creator and what he learned on the way.

"And that's why he taught me how to cook Leviathan's meat, the robot concluded, walking with stiff movements.

"Interesting story. It reminds me of that hunt where I took down a Prowler."the hunter remembered.

"A Prowler?! They're really dangerous!"

"Yes but this one was pretty old and lost a paw unfortunately"

A gunshot cut the hunter in their story.

Two enemy squad exchanged fire behind the hill.

Pathfinder took his Peacekeeper and checked his grapple.

"What should we do friends?"

"Let's get closer to have a better view of the situation first"

But without consulting his teammates, Revenant darted in the direction of the fight.

"Wait!" the blue robot turned his to the hunter.

"Follow him." He grappled away.

Bloodhound ran as fast as they could, reached the top of the hill and observed the battlefield through their sniper scope.

Quick and stealthy, Pathfinder already knocked two members from one of the squads behind a large boulder and finished the last opponent with a punch, sparing any unnecessary injuries.

Close to a small house, Revenant fought each member of the second squad at the same time.

Ignoring the bullets hitting his chest like unpleasant mosquitoes, he grabbed a contestant's head, slammed it into a wall, rushed to catch his frightened teammate in order to cut her throat before punching the last member to the ground.

He fought and killed the targets with professional precision, trained... or even created for it without a doubt.

Moving naturally in the battlefield with ease, he glanced at each defeated enemies with an air of superiority, as if they stepped too far into his territory...

A new apex predator has taken the lead in his first try.

A leaf cracked under someone's step.

A fatal mistake.

Bloodhound immediately faced the new opponents coming in their back.

They shoot, hit a disoriented Mirage in the chest and rushed to cover.

Switching for their R-99, they climbed on top of a tall rock and emptied a magazine on Gibraltar who carried his fallen teammate to safety.

Taking the opportunity, Wraith sneaked behind the hunter.

They grabbed her arm, stopping the kunai before it pierced their chest.

She pushed their leg and the two fall on the grass.

Restoring their balance, Bloodhound leaped on the skirmisher and knocked her out.

"One squad... down..."

they panted

"Good job, " Pathfinder congratulated, "We're getting closer to the cham- Oh no! The Ring is closing!"

The hunter saw the giant wall of fire approaching quickly in their direction.

They hissed and started running right away, Pathfinder waiting for them.

Further away, Revenant's blood-red silhouette got smaller and smaller the further he ran.

A hundred knives pierce their lungs with sand rubbing their throat.

Their glasses clouded like in winter, while the breathing mask failed to provide enough oxygen to sustain the prolonged effort.

Bloodhound abruptly got grappled and pulled towards Pathfinder, who took them under his arm before they blacked out.

Part 2

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dustbinflower0 · 2 years

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This morning, waking up to the sunlight felt completely wrong, surreal, cruel. It was so disorienting. That after what I endured yesterday the world goes on and laughs in my face because there is no fairness. And I am in pieces, when I didn't think it was possible to be in any more. Dismantled when I have tried so hard to survive. My muscles ache telling me it wasn't a nightmare. But my brain persists in parts, denying it could have been possible. Disbelief, that any of this is real, just in its power. It seems impossible!

The pain of that suffering feels unsurvivable. I don't care if I appear to have "survived" so far, that I am "here" today when I didn't and I'm not. A broken person shouldn't be able to break even more. I'm scattered in different times and places and realms and realities. Versions of whoever I am.

I feel a confusion that seems impossible to fi d my way out of I'm drowning so deep. How do I come back from this. I don't. I feel utterly lost and above all an ultimate loneliness I shouldn't ever have to be reminded of when I have fought all these years to tell myself, to believe the lie that I can hold onto people. That they don't leave. Well no one was where I was yesterday. Not even the self I thought I am. I was alone somewhere else while people looked though the window of my door. I was in hell.. I was trapped feeling things that were like held captive watching something play out even though there were no pictures. It was still like a kind of seeing. It was a long time there and when I wasn't there I wasn't in my body

I don't know who I am or where everyone is. I'm floating in a fever dream like when I was sick as a child,and my hands would seem huge.now my stomach is huge. And it really is

I think I shouldn't eat anything this weekend. I feel too vulnerable, too on the edge to my body being disturbed. The slightest things and my body will be hurdled backwards where I can't escape,there is no such thing as help I have to lose weight . This is probably happening more because I'm too big, too excessive.

Less body=less body memories

And no I haven't given up on what was lost, I have to settled for Never Enough, for eternal emptiness and desperate need. My body is the message that I've been destroyed, that everything in me is killing me and everyone watches. That is the only voice I've had, the only control I've ever known I want to say that they can't hurt me more than I can hurt myself, but this time in a body that doesn't feel pain as pain, but sighs with relief at a razor opening me. That is powerful. I am powerful.

The most control a child can have is by failing to thrive. Giving up any needs, accepting no efforts of being fed when it's not Love

#personal

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