#I lied and said I have a bf but now I’m like…maybe I should’ve given him my number he was so sweet and laughed when I said I hate cops | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

justanothergrl · 6 years

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Don’t let me down

Not sure why I laughed so hard at this GIF, but it doesn’t take too much to amuse me. Figured I would break the ice before I continued (hahaha... ice + penguins.... Okay I’m done.)

(I want to make a quick comment before I begin this one... Okay, so sometimes when I write, things seem clear in my head but they may not be to you. SO. If you backtrack to my post about my mom, when I said my ex had compared me to her- that was not “J”- it was my bf before him. That would’ve been really ironic though, right? Ha. Anywayyyys)

We’re almost through the really bad stuff, I promise. Thanks for sticking with me this far. My last post was almost as hard to write as I’m sure it was for most of you to read.

12/10/2017 was easily one of the worst days of my life. I was numb. I couldn’t think or I wouldn’t of made it. When I was about 15 minutes from my Dads I had received a phone call from “J’s” sister. She had asked me what was wrong with him (his odd behavior) but I really was no help. Guilt. I had failed him once again. I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know. I couldn’t answer because right now I couldn’t worry about anyone except myself. Immediately after I hung up I received a text message from a friend wishing me luck and that they hoped I got the help I needed. REALLY? I had JUST crossed the state line and my ex’s brother had thought it was his place to tell others. I thought at that moment that I would never be more angry in my life (silly me, you’ll see later). That was exactly the LAST thing I needed to worry about at that moment. You’ve read my prior posts. You read why I didn’t tell anyone myself. Just hours before that I had been teetering off the edge of the cliff and the slightest bit of wind could’ve knocked me off. We’re just going to chalk it up to the fact that people don’t K N O W or T H I N K. This is what I’m trying to get at. YOU don’t know what state of mind anyone is in at any given moment, whether it has to do with addiction or not. Please, please, pleaseee stop and think of how your words and actions can effect others. WORD OF ADVICE: If someone is going through active addiction or is in recovery - IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE TO TELL OTHERS!!!!!!! You are NOT helping. Remember how I emphasized my loneliness because I felt like I couldn’t turn to anyone else? The only person now that I could go to with this, the only person now that I wanted to tell, was my Dad. I had my reasons for not telling him through the phone the night before. However, I had bigger fish to worry about. By the time I reached my Dads the first symptoms of withdrawal had already started. I remember when I first got there I couldn’t seem to get my legs to move to get out of the car. Panic had set in. How do I tell someone this? How do I tell my Dad this? I was so ashamed and so scared that when he opened my car door I opened my mouth ready to tell him but all I could do is cry. He brought me inside and we sat down. How quickly would it be before I REALLY started feeling the withdrawal? What was he going to think? What if he gets mad. I’ve let him down. I had to get it out. I had to tell him. But I couldn’t. The words that would come out of my mouth were just beating around the bush. How do you look into the eyes of the person who means the most to you and tell them what an awful thing you had done and that you needed help? I couldn’t look at him. Bless my Dad, because if I was ever in his position I feel like I may not of handled anywhere near as well as he did. Finally, the words came out. This is not how I wanted it to go. I wanted to be able to explain. Really though, there’s no good way to admit to your Dad that for the past two years you’ve been addicted to heroin and that your body was going into withdrawal and that you needed him to help you SOMEHOW, NOW.

I was finally going to get help. I was finally able to tell someone. I was finally not all alone. Remember how hard it was for me just to get to THIS point? My Dad & I both immediately got on our phones. Looking for a rehab or detox facility. I remember laying on the floor while my Dad called place after place. Problem #1 : I had chosen to do this on a Sunday (I know silly me, what was I thinking) So all of those 24/7 things you hear about alllllll the time- are BS. Monday- Friday or Monday- Saturday at most. A lot of places were closed. How? Beats me. Shouldn’t this be a 24/7 thing? Hmmm. Problem #2: I had no insurance. I had no money. Problem #3: I was not a resident of IN. So, every place we were able to actually reach someone at would turn me away for either both or one or the other. Two places I could’ve went to: 1) They required $3,000 up front. My total stay would’ve been somewhere around $25,000. No, no typos you read that right. Cool, cross that one off. 2) They stuck you in a room for 3 days, and on the third day they made you get up, do chores, and go look for a job. My dad hung up on that place. (Thanks Dad, really)

I was out of options. I didn’t know what to do. Did I make the right choice? I was beginning to feel so awful. I should’ve stayed there. No, that wasn’t possible. Why did “J” say I was going to be okay when I wasn’t? He lied. I couldn’t go into withdrawal. I was in full panic but I managed to hold on. The idea arose to go to the hospital. Maybe they could help me? You see the thing with me is when I was in withdrawal I would get really bad chest pains. It literally felt like someone was squeezing the life out of me. That was my worst symptom (it’s different for everyone). (I had only experienced these chest pains a few times before but it was never for long and it was one reason that held me back from wanting to stop using) I was desperate for it to stop and I knew it would only get worse. (When I said before that people would rather D I E than detox, especially with no medical help, it’s no lie. People who have went through detox them self that are reading this will understand. It is the worst feeling in the world. So bad that yes, death can seem like a better alternative.) So the hospital it is. I had googled if hospitals would help in such a case prior to leaving and I read a lot of negative comments about how they’ll just turn you away and won’t do a thing - but I could only hope for the best. What other choice did I have? I was sinking again but thankfully I had someone willing to help me. That would lighten this load just a little bit for me. That was willing to help pull me up out of this hole and ask questions later. I was no longer alone.

to be continued.

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