#I’m literally getting so overwhelmed with work anxiety because I got clients assigned to me two days ago | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

anothergirlrecovering · 6 years

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Lynn 66

I got to Lynn's and sat down in the waiting area. I noticed that her machine wasn't on and it looks like the light was off so I assumed that I was her first appointment and I was like I mean did she forget about me or is she just leave because usually she's not late but I know I'm her first session. So she doesn't end up walking in about five minutes late and says sorry she's late and I was like no worries I'm the same way in the mornings, and I told her that I was just texting my friend amanda about how when is never late and she was like well you're never early. I couldn't help but laugh because she is so Savage and so funny. She told me to hang on a second while she gets her office put together and I said sure. She invited me in and I sat down and she was like I always think that I have more time in the morning then I actually do and I always end up a few minutes late. I was like honestly I'm the same and I have a client who we just have this understood role that even though we say 9 o'clock it will actually be more like 905. Lynn laughed and was like I thought about telling all my first clients to plan for 910 or 915 but then I realized all that means is that I would start showing up at 9:20 or 925 LOL. I was like Yep I totally get it. Then she said that she is having an issue with static cling this morning and that her shirt is so staticy. She asked if I had any tips or tricks and I was like well there's an antistatic spray that you come by or you can use a dryer sheet and she was like yeah I actually brought a dryer sheet with me but it's not working and then she picked up the dryer sheet and put it next to her and I was like maybe if the dryer she is next to me it will help LOL I was like maybe. I told her that my school uniforms in high school were complete static magnets so we were always using dryer sheets to manage it. She asked how I was doing and I said I was OK. I told her that I was honestly just feeling really overwhelmed and not necessarily like a mental health overwhelmed as much is like and I'm actually overwhelmed with so much to do that of course I'm going to feel overwhelmed. I told her about how I'm not actually able to bill insurance yet because I'm waiting on the stupid enrollment to go through and it takes 10 to 11 business days now and how that's really annoying because I'm ending up having to keep tabs on sessions that are billable but not actually build them and I know it's gonna be a lot of work coming up. We ended up talking about our frustrations with the process and Lynn was saying that she got an email about being removed from the enrollment of that website and she was like but I never even had anything on that website since that didn't used to be a thing and I was like I mean you should probably look into that though. She said she called the main portal that they just switched to but it seems like the people working there weren't exactly knowledgeable. I said that definitely made sense and I said I didn't have the old portal so the new one is all that I will now so at least there's that. She said it's all very confusing and annoying and I agreed. I told her about how I have a Wiccan client now and how it's been interesting because growing up I had always been taught that wiccans were evil and bad and you shouldn't associate with them because you are opening up the doors to evil spirits and we fight not a flash but I have principalities and that type of thing. Lynn pointed out she thought this was a great client for me and I was like yeah I had to remind myself at the beginning of session like this is just a person and later on I was just thinking about how silly it is that I grew up with those beliefs and how hard that is to shake even though I totally know the stuff I grew up with was crap. She said that to take note of being mindful of how weekends of you forgiveness and that it's just a tip from her from where her personal experience sometimes it is a little bit different than what we might normally think. I said OK and I would take note of that. I also told her about how I wrote the apology to Anthony on Facebook. I told her about how he had written back and she asked if I felt better about things and I was like I mean in the moment no but I mean after-the-fact I guess I feel a little bit better knowing that I at least said sorry even if he wasn't exactly appreciative or anything, but at the same time like I think I would feel better if he had said something more like thanks for reaching out it's water under the bridge I'm doing well thanks hope you're doing well too, or something but then again that is just how I would respond in that scenario. She pointed out that she thinks that maybe he has mental health issues and I was like yeah or maybe he's not doing well which is why he didn't say he's doing well and she was like but notice that this probably says more of him than it does you and I was like yeah well he might hate me but you know it is what it is I guess at this point. I told her that I gave my speech and it went fine but that the next two assignments give me more anxiety than anything and she was like well what are they and I explained the coffee cup one and then a monologue. She was like you could totally do an easy one with the coffee cup just to pretend you're me. I laughed and I was like I don't know how I could stretch that out for two minutes and she was like yeah two minutes is a long time you'd have to come up with a lot but she was like it could be really funny you could do all of the therapy clichés how does that make you feel. I was like yeah I guess that's true I don't know. It's just an annoying one and I hope that he ends up not making us do it. As far as monologues go she was like oh there's a ton that you could do and I was like I know there's a lot but I literally know nothing about monologues or how to pick one or what's good and what's not or what you even do while you do a monologue and she was like my daughter has had to do so many for theater I could probably think of some if you want to email me and I was like yeah I probably will, she said she can only think of boy ones off the top of her head because right now her son is auditioning for all of the schools. I said yeah the only one that I thought of to do was dear Evan Hansen but I was like I'm not a guy so I can't really do Evans speech at the end although I thought about just being like screw it i'm not getting graded and back in the day peter pan was played by a girl and technically men used to play the role of women so it's not like you can really do anything to me if I did that. She was like that's true that would be a good one and I was like yeah I don't know and she was like actually there's one hang on so she grabbed her phone and she looked it up and told me the name of it and said that there are some great monologues from it and that her daughter had done one before. She said there was also a really good one about A runaway bride that her daughter had done and she was like I can't think of the name of the title so she started googling and she was like I'll just text her and see if she responds during session and I was like OK and she was like there's like this one part where it's a monologue where she's talking about how she left the guy at the altar and I was like yeah I'm sure my husband would love knowing that you suggested this one. She started laughing and she was like make sure you tell him I didn't mean this intentionally because of him. I laughed and I was like well I did tell him about how you said you like Star Wars and he was like don't tell me that I'm not supposed to like Lynn and she laughed and She was like like I said he's welcome to come in for a session if you wants to go over some of the context of why I said that. I was like no he wouldn't want to but it's fine I think he deep down inside understands why the context of it coming up would have come up it's just that we don't necessarily want to acknowledge or talk about it and she was like that makes sense. She said that she definitely has those monologues on her computer so worst case scenario she will end up checking her computer for me later if I send her an email. I told her that would be great. She also said that she thought it would be a good idea to go back and read the play book of whatever monologue I pick and I said yeah that was why I thought dear Evan Hansen would be a good one because I completely understand the entire context of everything. She asked me what I thought we needed to work on since it sounded like I had a good week and I was like hold on all of the usual stressors are there there's just not a reason to update because I'm always super anxious about everything. I told her that I just want to have normal levels of performance anxiety and I was like like your daughter has some anxiety before she performs right? And she was like oh yeah of course and I was like I just want to have like her level of anxiety and she was like oh no I think she would say the same about your anxiety and I was like there's no way and she was like yeah anxiety is anxiety and I think you guys would both be happy trading off with each other. So I joked and was like well at least she knows that her mommy loves and supports her and Lynn was like it doesn't matter how many supportive loving texts I send or phone calls I make, she will still have that anxiety. Lynn explained that she thinks it's more of a nature than an archer and that some of us are just more wired to be anxious and more of that compulsiveness. I said well in theory those people at least know that they have a secure base if we're looking at eight attachment theory lens. Lynn said she knew what I was talking about but she said she honestly didn't really see that making a difference because she said that ultimately those people still having anxiety because anxiety is anxiety and I pointed out that they at least know when they fail there are people who will love and support them regardless which she countered with explaining that while that is true, that also creates another type of anxiety and not wanting to disappoint those people which I hadn't really thought of. I said that made sense though. So she told me we could do some EMDR and she asked to just notice what about all of this still really bothers me. I noticed that it just really bothers me this fear that people are going to judge me even though that's not really rational. I noticed that I got really anxious and I thought about how we did have a feeder program in 12th grade and I legitimately can't remember anything about it. The only thing I remember from the actual day of the play was that that was the day that my best friend chose to tell my mom that I was cutting and that my mom showed up during the play and pulled me out and sat me down and shamed me and basically insinuated that I had a problem and needed to go to a doctor or something and how after that Erica had stop talking to me and then my mom blamed me and said that it was because I haven't forgiven her and then Eric and I went and talked about it and she basically said there's too much to handle and too difficult and she wanna be my friend anymore and so everything just kind of fell apart. I said it just makes me mad because I really can't remember anything about that class and I know that it was a class and normally I have a great memory and can remember a lot of details of things and I remember all of my other classes at that school . I noticed that I felt really anxious and I was thinking about when we had the very first theater class and I do remember sitting in the cafeteria and being handed papers and then I felt really anxious and I remember the teacher but I really can't remember what all we did in our classes or anything but I know we had classes multiple times a week for the whole semester. I said I guess I wouldn't have tried out for any parts because I would've been afraid of failure and embarrassing myself because I was the new kid at the school. She told me to just notice and I got frustrated that I really just can't remember. I said that I remembered taking hats and laying out in the grass and taking goofy pictures with my friend Brittney and that Brittney had started to become my best friend and she actually knew that I was cutting but didn't tell my mom and I tried to tell Erica that Britney knew and she wasn't telling my mom so it was fine and she didn't need to tell my mom. I said at some point in the conversation must've shifted away from my needs and on to Brittany's because her sister was married to our youth group leader and he was also a music teacher and he had gotten arrested during our school year for having sex multiple times at a hotel with this teenage girl who used to go to our school and of course at the beginning Britney and I were both team her brother-in-law because we thought there was no way that he would ever do something like that but then the evidence came out and he most definitely had. I remembered that I could picture the stage and that the state was actually where Brittany and I were sitting when I told her that I was struggling with cutting but that I don't think it was during play practice it was either during after school before practice or before one of our sports practices or something because I remember us both sitting there but I couldn't tell you why. Otherwise I really just can't remember any of it. Lynn was like knowing everything you know what would make you not remember it and I was like I don't know I mean, which she was like what about the fact that the play was a very Trumatic time for you and I was like I mean I could see where yeah I would've been really anxious leading up to the play once Erica told me that she was going to call my mom at 8:21 if I didn't but then part of me was like well what time with the play have started because that would've been at least 20 minutes and even if it started at 8 o'clock which seems like a late show but maybe it was at eight but then what was I doing for those 20 minutes I mean maybe I was just really really anxious but it's weird that I can't remember it and then by the time that my mom was called and would've made it to the school it would've been at least 835 840 so again what was I doing during those first 40 minutes of the play that I just can't remember any of it. She said it makes sense to her that I was really really overwhelmed and I just can't remember it now. I said maybe but I still don't understand why I can't remember the rest of the classes because I could tell you a ton about our choir class and how much I hated it and all of the details about what we were doing what we were singing who I talk to etc. she said she would think that at this point my brain may have only had space for the dramatic aspect of the theater class and maybe that's blocked out any of the positive fun memories I would have had during that time fuck about how I honestly don't think I enjoyed anything during that time because I was so depressed but I didn't end up having time to say it. She said that was a good stopping place, and she would get out her computer and look up my insurance website to see if I have a credit. So she took out her computer and family around on the website trying to figure out the balance situation and she said that because I actually caught it so early with knowing the deductible that we actually did everything fine and technically I would like five bucks but she was like don't even worry about it and I was like OK great. So she billed me for today's session and we scheduled again for technically three weeks out. She said that she didn't have anything scheduled for the day so I told her 10 o'clock and I joked and was like I'm not stealing somebody's coveted 10 AM spot am I? And she was like no I don't think so honestly people schedules change so much and I was like OK great well that works for me. She told me good luck with my theater class and I said thanks and left.

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