#I'm mentally exhausted & i just wanna sit but 🙃

[ajokeformur-ray]

tw; I'm mean about myself under the cut, academic & work stress, I've had enough of my own shit, these thoughts are with me all the damn time, every minute of every day. Self-shipping I suppose. I feel like a shitty essay which needs to be ripped up and started over because there's no helping it.💀

*Is literally doing a degree so I can help people in a professional sense as I was saved & heavily inspired by Arthur Fleck back in 2019 and I wanted to honour that and him in this decision, regularly leans on him for motivation and comfort, tries to be someone he would be proud of and someone he could love, is three years into a six year degree and feeling every inch of exhaustion possible*

"Step step step step, just like Arthur showed you"

"Kindness and compassion, just like Joker taught you"

"He never gave up so neither can you"

*Is working a very physically demanding job (an average shifft clocks me in at 25,000 steps and a busy shift is closer to 30,000), does overtime regularly, is being eaten alive by her job and is now somehow YET A-FUCKING-GAIN almost three weeks behind on university work, is accidentally undereating and accidentally running on four or less hours of sleep every night in an attempt to get everything done that needs to be in any given day, and has so much to do that she's just sat there staring into space writing this post instead of actually getting her fucking work done because there's so much to do she's overwhelmed and scared... is self-aware of this vicious cycle and knows how to change it and keeps trying but it isn't working and yeah Rome wasn't built in a day but for fuck's sake, Erika, get your shit together before you fuck all this up so bad there's no point even trying at all anymore... she wants this and is trying her best but is somehow not measuring up and constantly beats herself up over it and needs Joker to sit her down and scoop out her brain, wash it in creek water and then put it back, let it roll around a little in there before it settles in her skull and then maybe she'll be better at all this...*

Yeah, you're really making Arthur/Joker proud right now, huh?🙄🙃

(You're basically shitting all over him because you started this for him but this is your effort level? Being behind all the time and tired mentally and physically and never being able to catch a break because if you're not working, you're studying? And somehow it's not enough and you keep repeating the same shitty cycles even though you're trying to fix them? And none of it is working? But you're still doing it anyway because the only way through is through? And you genuinely love both your degree and your job but for fuck's sake, you need a break because you're really tired and you don't feel like you should be and you feel like you're treading water and going nowhere and you'll never achieve your goal of being able to help people on a professional level which is higher than all the ways in which you already help people and you don't wanna give up your degree OR your job but baby, something's gotta give at some point and it keeps being you and maybe it shouldn't be anymore and you just gotta rework some things so you can pull this outta your ass because you do love it and you're just tired and frustrated right now and that's okay. And eyes on Joker, Erika, he knows the way, he got you this far, keep him close even though you feel so distant from him that you just wanna go back to 2019 so you can meet him for the first time all over again and fall in love with him all over again and you just need to remember your reasons why so you can move forward and keep doing your bestest for Arthur...

Even though you feel like he would see all this and be appalled and very much not be proud or understand why you're doing this. This is the opposite of an honour and a horrible way of showing your love for him...😬

Anyway. I'm gonna go study now.💀

#i'm so embarrassed at how NOT together i am at handling all this #he'd be idk like disappointed or angry or whatever the fuck idk #i'm just so pissed off at myself bc no matter how hard i try i just CANNOT measure up to how i think i should be doing #hhhhhhh someone help me hasdfghjkl;